Relationship Worries - Please Help

[curlyinthecity 35]

Hi All,

Aside from the average surgery worries, I am very concerned about my relationship after surgery. While I was always curvy, I gained about ~100 lbs after an abusive relationship and anti depressants/anxiety meds.

To give you some background on my current relationship, my current partner and I have been dating for about 4 years and are both overweight. When I started dating, I was extremely self conscious and I suppose there was initially a sort of "comfort" or judgement-free feeling, in terms of my body, with him. To quote, I am the "ideal, perfect everything," to my partner, but he's expressed how he prefers a bigger girl. I love that how comfortable I feel with him, it's the best I've ever felt. However with my surgery scheduled for 1/25/17, I've become very anxious on how my weight loss will impact my relationship. He understands that surgery is for my health first and foremost, but of course I also miss my "old" body, the one I had before we even knew each other.

I am sure that my partner loves me and supports my decision... but as superficial as it sounds what if he isn't as attracted to me physically? Obviously physical attraction *IS* significant, so what can I do to lessen my fears over it?

Thank you for your help in advance!

-Chrissy

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[clc9 644]

If any man made me choose between him or my health, I would choose my health every time. If what they love about you most is your unhealthy size, you're an object of their fetish, not a whole person.

How is it different than if you were rich and they were drawn to your money, then you were poor and they were no longer attracted to you? That would be a huge turnoff right?

I would much prefer someone who loved and wanted to be with me for my insides than one who mostly was attracted to my outsides. And that goes for whether I'm fat or thin.

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[woo woo 872]

2 things, first and foremost anyone worth your time and love is going to be attracted to you either way.

The second question I have for you to consider is whether you settled at all in this relationship for the sake of comfort/safety? I wonder if you will feel the same about him after you get back to normal size?

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[curlyinthecity 35]

@@clc9 I agree that I would want to be with someone who wants me for my insides over my physical appearance. However, I do believe that physical attraction does carry SOME significance in a relationship. I appreciate the analogy you used though I will definitely try to look at it from that perspective. Thank you for sharing

@@woo woo I think that's a great question & thanks for bringing it to my attention. I think that maybe initially I did "settle" when we first began to date, more so because of my past and abusive ex leading me to think otherwise of myself. However, I'm a very different person from that time and I truly do love him for the person he is, not just how he makes me feel. This is someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with, regardless of my size, but I can't help but to have superficial feelings. I appreciate your input and thank you.

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[Babbs 14,681]

My mom (RIP) used to always say "Don't borrow trouble".

Stop worrying about something that may or may not happen. With surgery coming up, your main focus should be YOU. You're going to have enough stuff to worry about without worrying about a hypothetical situation.

[curlyinthecity 35]

@@Babbs Very good point, thank you for the advice, I'll work on that,

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[Babbs 14,681]

@@curlyinthecity

Keep us posted! Both on your surgery and how the relationship is going after

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Be aware it changes the "power dynamic" within a relationship. As you get healthier and better looking, your confidence will increase and his comfort will drop. Sorry, it does change things. To put your head in the sand and say it doesn't it is an invitation for disaster IMHO. What this means is he needs reassurance and you need to be aware of what your priorities are. Communicate. I don't know you but I have seen people who changed their relationships because they realized they really were selling themselves short and were sticking around with bad partners because their self-estime was low due to their weight. And there are some partners who left because they felt they couldn't compete with a hotter spouse. These are all complicated issues. There isn't a "one-size-fits-all-solution" on this one. It is all communication, trust and commitment. This is serious work. Good luck.

[curlyinthecity 35]

@@OKCPirate thank you, appreciate the insight. I failed to realize the "power dynamic" you mentioned. It does make a lot sense when you put it that way.

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[VivVsg 57]

I know where you are coming from and honestly, he is probably more worried about losing you once you gain more confidence in yourself. Insecurity and being overweight a lot of the time go hand in hand, we all have our insecurites. Just try to keep him rest assured that you love him and only him and he doesn't need to worry because hes got your heart ♡♡♡ My hubby was nervous about me getting it also, but I reminded him that if I wanted someone else, I wouldn't need to lose weight to gain balls and leave, I'd have done it already lol. Just show your baby some lovin, everything will be okay Good luck and congratulations !