How do you view overweight people now that your thin?

[Stephanielp 120]

I think if I fell for someone that was still over weight after I lose mine that it wouldn't change anything only to encourage them to get healthier

progress starts in the mind

[summerset 5,265]

Like others have said, I feel compassion and I feel empathy. I wish I could share what's worked for me, but I know it likely won't be well received by someone who isn't ready for it.

This. I think it would be crossing borders that are not meant to be crossed.

i think it would be hard for me, were I selecting a life companion today, to chose one who was obese because our values and lifestyles would be too different. It would have nothing to do with my feelings about the person and their worth/heart/etc.

I agree in general but since values and lifestyles can and do change throughout the years, it's still possible that the partner that used to share you values and lifestyle isn't a good match anymore.

Might also be a valid explanation why so many couples struggle when one partner had WLS.

[Heather I 500]

I feel empathy, for sure, but think my changing interests/activity level would prohibit somewhat the relationship progressing if I was out on the market.

I'm happily married, and my husband is supportive of my WLS, BUT, whereas before I was exhausted 24/7 and sedentary, now I'm firing on all cylinders to DO things. I don't want to sit on the couch and loaf around. I would like to share activities with him more, but to be fair, he was this way when we got together, so it's not like he's changed; I have.

For many years I was a fit-fat person, until I just became a fat-fat person, LOL, who couldn't keep up.

[Sai 785]

My heart breaks for them. I want to hug them.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

It seems to me that people who lose gobs of weight and are judgmental of others who are overweight were equaily judgmental before they lost weight. The possible reasons are many, so I won't even take time to name any. You can figure them out.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@doxaholic

Well weight has nothing to do with being healthy. I have dated guys that are normal weights but they don't eat healthy and they aren't active. I date a guy that is really active, slightly over weight (he is tall so he is just a big guy) and he has excellent taste in food (I love a foodie). I never dated over weight guys when I was overweight but I am more willing to date someone slightly overweight now, if they are active. When you get to men over 40, things get a little weird. You find a lot that are naturally thin, but don't take care of themselves at all. So how they look has nothing to do with their lifestyle.

Luckily I'm self centered so I really rarely think about other people unless they are somehow attached to me. I don't care about random fat people. The fat people I know personally are happy being fat and aren't serious about losing weight. The only thing that annoys me about fat people is them asking me about losing weight but they have no intentions of following through so they are just wasting my time.

I'm not interested in being around anyone with a fat mentality. It is like being a recovering heroin addict and hanging out in a drug den.

[summerset 5,265]

It seems to me that people who lose gobs of weight and are judgmental of others who are overweight were equaily judgmental before they lost weight.

Like they always thought of fat people as lazy and ugly losers but couldn't voice their opinion because they were fat themselves? Could be.

[Miss Impala 64]

In one of of the group discussions on this site, someone used the term "fatties" when talking about a group of overweight people. I couldn't believe their temerity!

But I do understand the OP's direction of thought.

Dave Ramsey says if you want to be a millionaire, then do what millionaires do.

If you want to be a thin or healthy person do what they do. And sometimes that means making choices to keep ourselves from being sidelined.

Their are plenty of soul mates out there, we just have to find one that is more closely related to our goals, values, character, and even health views.

I have always found intelligence, confidence and humor a primary attraction, secondary attraction were chubby men (or fit fat) ...more attractive than thin or even muscled men. I have no idea if that will change... but I will always want only healthy for my hubby. And if that means thin, so be it. And his current status of being overweight I know for him, he feels horrible. His recent weight loss of 14 lbs shows him feeling so much better and it shows in his self esteem.

But if I were single, I would be less inclined to date someone who uses food to Celebrate as that is one of my triggers. I second what another post said. food was my drug of choice. I can't afford to continue in a behavior that is my trigger, and if it means changing the types of people you hang out with, then you must. Criminals do it when they get out of prison and are on probation, drug and alcohol addicts do it in order to preserve their sobriety. So sometimes in order not to backslide, you might have to do it when considering a life partner.

11/11/16: HW 380

11/28/16: Duodenal Switch Surgery

11/28/16: SW 374 lbs

1/6/17: CW 337 lbs

Edited January 7, 2017 by Miss Impala

[AvaFern 3,516]

This is a good question. In the interest of answering honestly, be advised, I'm an a**hole, so don't be offended please.

As a woman who has nearly killed myself (literally) to reach a point where I am now, I would not date a fat man. Keep in mind, I'm not talking about a guy who is thick, but someone who is actually obese. It has nothing to do with thinking they are not a good person and everything to do with the fact that I did what I needed to do to look the way I do and to be healthy. I work really hard to stay this size and if I am constantly around someone who eats like crap and doesn't have the same activities that I do, first I don't think it would work and second, I feel like I wouldn't be doing myself any favors. Also, here's where the jerk part comes in, frankly I'm not attracted to it. Again, nothing to do with what kind of person they are and everything to do with what interests me. I'm not attracted to really thin guys, super short guys, overly muscular guys (like body builders) and blonde guys (and come on there are some hot blonde guys). A certain body type within a certain range of features is what I am attracted to, and just like anyone else, if the personality that comes attached to that body type is crappy, well that kills it for me too. We can't control what attracts us to other people or what doesn't, and while some people have told me I'm shallow (which may very well be true), I'm honest enough with myself to know that certain things are never going to do it for me.

Therefore, as it relates to dating, I'm just not into big dudes. As it relates to overweight people in general, I don't really have an opinion. My sister is very large and she is the kindest, most thoughtful, big hearted person I know, and God help anyone if they were mean to her because she is larger. I don't really notice fat and thin people in ordinary life- they're just people, living a life, just like me, and deserve exactly the same amount of kindness, respect, and when necessary, a solid smack down, as exactly everyone else of every size.

[jess9395 5,449]

Like others have said, I feel compassion and I feel empathy. I wish I could share what's worked for me, but I know it likely won't be well received by someone who isn't ready for it.

This. I think it would be crossing borders that are not meant to be crossed.

i think it would be hard for me, were I selecting a life companion today, to chose one who was obese because our values and lifestyles would be too different. It would have nothing to do with my feelings about the person and their worth/heart/etc.

I agree in general but since values and lifestyles can and do change throughout the years, it's still possible that the partner that used to share you values and lifestyle isn't a good match anymore.

Might also be a valid explanation why so many couples struggle when one partner had WLS.

Abso-frickin-loutely!

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[doxaholic 252]

I guess another reason i posted these questions is because everytime i go see my bariatric surgeon. When i walk into a room full of people they all start looking at me up and down like i am or was there worst nightmare. Then i think to myself hey you guys were at this same point at one time of your lives too. Its the mentality of an ex smoker speaking to a smoker. Of all places i would have thought that this place would be judgement free but it feels the worse. As for the dating i have a sister who is currently losing weight but is literally battling with her husband who is obese for her not to lose weight WHAT?

Blows my mind but she will not let him go and she is also losing the battle. ????

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[clc9 644]

@@doxaholic, that's just unresolved hate they feel for their former selves misdirected outwardly at you. Just be glad that won't be you!

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[Babbs 14,681]

Considering how many times I've flipped from fat to thin, I feel compassion mostly.

But it seems that we are most critical of traits we see in others that we dislike in ourselves. So I guess his disdain is a reflection of his fear of going back to being that fat guy again.

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What an incredibly smart comment. And totally correct.

Here is what I've observed in others and even with me:

At first, when you're losing and feel so in control of things, you get almost evangelical about weight loss and healthy habits. You feel like you have the tiger by the tail, so why shouldn't others go the same route you did to lose weight and be healthy? You want to take aside every fat person you see and recommend WLS. And sometimes, it's shameful to say, you even may look on them with disgust.

As time goes on and people settle in to their new way of life and they really start to understand the struggle it is to continue to lose or maintain what you've lost even with WLS, you tend to soften a little and actually feel empathy for them, because we know how hard it is, with or without WLS. I no longer feel the need to reach out to them anymore and talk about WLS, though, because I think they know they are obese, and only when they are good and ready will they do anything about it. Just like all of us did.

[clc9 644]

Considering how many times I've flipped from fat to thin, I feel compassion mostly.

But it seems that we are most critical of traits we see in others that we dislike in ourselves. So I guess his disdain is a reflection of his fear of going back to being that fat guy again.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

What an incredibly smart comment. And totally correct.

My therapist of 8 years will be pleased to know her hard work hasn't been in vain!

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[LittleBill 2,231]

What an incredibly smart comment. And totally correct.

Here is what I've observed in others and even with me:

At first, when you're losing and feel so in control of things, you get almost evangelical about weight loss and healthy habits. You feel like you have the tiger by the tail, so why shouldn't others go the same route you did to lose weight and be healthy? You want to take aside every fat person you see and recommend WLS. And sometimes, it's shameful to say, you even may look on them with disgust.

As time goes on and people settle in to their new way of life and they really start to understand the struggle it is to continue to lose or maintain what you've lost even with WLS, you tend to soften a little and actually feel empathy for them, because we know how hard it is, with or without WLS. I no longer feel the need to reach out to them anymore and talk about WLS, though, because I think they know they are obese, and only when they are good and ready will they do anything about it. Just like all of us did.

It is this way with most things in life. One of the things I have done in life is act as counselor for people seeking help. I have the training, but never went into the "biz".

We cannot change anyone but ourselves, and even that is hard. When people come to realize this truth, life becomes easier. It is not always better, but it is easier.