How do you view overweight people now that your thin?

[doxaholic 252]

Forty three years wow lady that is amazing. Dont give up the fight.

Sent from my SM-G920P using the BariatricPal App

[theantichick 2,204]

I hesitated to join this discussion because I have such conflicting feelings about weight now.

On the one hand, I have a lot of compassion for people who are hugely overweight. Science is finding that it's not a willpower issue, and as I've personally learned it's not anywhere near as easy to control weight as some people think (and I used to think). Even when I was heavy, I used to think it was just because I was failing and lacked the willpower to do the right things. Now I know how badly the deck is stacked against us.

I'm also a huge supporter of body positivity. Regardless of size or ability, people deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. There's no reason for anyone to receive substandard medical care because they're heavy, or be ridiculed by people in the street. Hating your body/self is counter productive to being healthy, and health should be the goal, not some ridiculous idea of what looks good that's pushed by media and photoshop. Being overweight does not automatically mean someone is unhealthy, just as being thin doesn't automatically mean someone is healthy.

That being said, there is a point where the weight interferes with movement and being able to care for oneself. As a nurse, I cannot consider that level of overweight to be anywhere near healthy, and this is one of the drawbacks I see to the body positivity movement. When I see someone who cannot move properly and maintain good hygiene because of the weight, I cannot help but wonder why they don't see that SOMETHING has to be done. Of course, drastic measures require access to medical care and many people in this country don't have it, so there's that. But I want so badly to channel Whoopie Goldberg's character from Ghost and grab them and say "you in danger, girl!!".

As for dating and relationships with people who are quite heavy... I am SO VERY GLAD to not be in the dating scene anymore. But if I were, I would not want to date someone who would jeopardize my health by constantly exposing me to unhealthy eating habits and sedentary pursuits. I'm doing all of this so I can get more active and be healthier, and would only be interested in spending time with someone who is also interested in healthy eating and activity. I don't think badly of people who aren't, but this has to become a big part of my life and factor into my serious relationships. It's more like if I were a recovering alcoholic, it would be a poor choice to get in a relationship with someone who drinks regularly. As it is, I'm lucky that my hubby wants to be more active, I'm actually the one who's dragging us down right now with my weight and chronic health issues. He'll go along with whatever I want to do.

I think ultimately we should seek out people with similar goals and priorities to ourselves, especially for romantic relationships. If one of our primary goals and highest priorities is our health, we should seek out people who feel the same and express that in their lives. Otherwise, our goals and priorities tend to change to meet those of the people we spend the most time with, and that can be detrimental to our health.

[Aggiemae 739]

Before I even say this I know it's REALLY messed up so no one has to point it out to me.

I have the usually reaction to very obese, compassion, pity, sadness etc but if I look deep down I am very judgmental and also a little grossed out.

And, yes, I realize that people might view me the same way.

[KeepCalm 223]

@@doxaholic

What do you guys think do our minds really change that much that we forget who we once were? Or is it all in oneself?

I have not forgotten how far I have come. I was compassionate before surgery. I'm still a compassionate person after my weight loss. I know what its like to walk in the shoes of a morbidly obese person. I would never disrespect someone based on weight.

On the dating side. I don't want to slide back. Weight wouldn't be a deal breaker if it was the right guy. The other part to this is I'm now athletic. I find other men that are athletic attractive. I would not have this type of attraction when I was obese. I would have been way too intimidated.

I've always been attracted more to athletic guys... *shrugs* I just never actually dated them - just had fun.

[BelgianGuy 350]

My views on fat people? Well... I don't care that much actually, when outside I am either hanging out with my friends or my family, and if I am on my own, I just keep on listening to music and walking, I don't pay attention to people at all and I am quite often in my very own "bubble", I don't feel pity or compassion, neither disgust or any negative feeling. These are just people going on with their life, all of them.

I personally don't know many fat persons, except for one of my sister, she's aware of the problem and tries to lose weight, so I don't push her around because I know how my family works: the more someone from my family told me I needed to lose some kilos, the more I headed in the opposite direction, and I think she works the same way.

I also have this couple of friends that are very overweight, but they love each other and they're probably the happiest couple I know.

On the dating side, well, I have been single for a good four years and I was feeling like the most unattractive being on the planet, so I didn't even make a move or even dared to think about it.

But now I am thin, I must admit I don't find very overweight and/or obese people attractive and to be honest I actually never have.

I hated myself as an obese (young) man, I hated every single aspect of my overweightness, and I don't want to find myself alongside with someone who has poor life habits, the exact same ones I escaped from to build a new healthy lifestyle, it's a turned page and I do not intend to reread it by any means.

Edited January 13, 2017 by BelgianGuy

[biginjapan 647]

Wow...the last time I had a date was in1999... Of course, that's when i was at my thinnest (i.e. at normal BMI). That said, I've never been attracted to extremes of any kind - too tall, too skinny, too fat, too muscular - as long as guys have fit into a more average category, whether it be from athletic to dad bod, then the most important thing has always been about personality, humour, intelligence, etc. I do remember once being attracted to a guy who was obese (he was tall and heavy, so carried it well), but decided not to pursue the relationship because I needed to be with someone who would encourage good habits with me, not bad ones (amongst other reasons).

Most of my life I've been overweight or borderline obese, but recently I've come to realise that I have gone from being overweight to obese to morbidly obese in less than 8 years, despite all the weight loss efforts during that time. Like the OP, I haven't dated or followed-up on the few bits of interest I've had over the years because I have not felt attractive enough (or have felt somewhat suspicious of the pursuer - why would he possibly like me at this weight? Something must be up). And even if I'm lucky enough to lose all my excess weight, then there will be the loose skin and deflated boobs - so I know that that will be another thing I need to get fixed before I maybe have a shot at feeling attractive and wanting to be with someone, scars and all.

However, to answer the OP: I've been friends with all shapes and sizes throughout my life and I rarely judge anyone, regardless of how well I know them, because I know full well that a) being large does not necessarily equate to being unfit or unhealthy, that you never know the full reasons why someone is the size they are, and c) if people are losing weight, you don't know what stage they are at. That said, while I try not to judge anyone for their size, if I was to start dating someone, I guess the biggest turnoff for me would not necessarily be their size, but their lifestyle - both in terms of exercise and nutrition. I definitely couldn't be with someone who was a pusher (of food or drink) or an enabler that would get me off-track. But...I haven't even had my surgery yet (less than a month to go!) so this isn't something I'll have to worry about for a while.

Edited January 14, 2017 by biginjapan

[courtneyd 59]

I honestly can see how the guy you're talking about feels. He doesn't want to date someone who isn't healthy because they may make it easier for him to slip back. It's not an ugly thing to say; if that's what helps him stay on track, I can understand that. I haven't had WLS yet but I don't judge others. I feel empathy for them. I know being big isn't easy.

[Stephanielp 120]

I don't feel different but I do see how I'm treated different so far and I've only lost 45lbs people are friendlier and such

progress starts in the mind

[Newme17 3,444]

that was a nice long thread to read. I agree with everyone here, I have empathy too. Just because someone may not be attracted to someone obese, doesn't mean it's shallow; it's just his/her preference.

I've been mostly thin/fit for my life, besides the last 9 years or so when I started gaining. Even at thin/fit and single, I was attracted to certain kinds of guys, some huskies, some muscular, some average, but I have never looked at anyone obese with disgust; they were just not my type. I was also very athletic and outgoing, so I gravitated towards those kind of guys too. I married a slightly slim man who was just 15lbs more than I at the time. He's still slim (God's blessed him with high metabolism) but gained a few pounds and is very happy about it. LOL. When he's pumping the iron...ooh baby! My kind. LOL

Okay, enough of my hubby....people will usually always gravitate towards others with the same interests in mind. And if there was a problem and it has been dealt with/fixed, then they shouldn't go down that path with others who are dealing with what was an issue for them. Unless they're called to be an advocate or something for others to get their lives back on track; much like someone who overcame drugs/alcohol and is now a counselor for others in that boat. But it takes a very dedicated, healed, and motivated individual to carry on and not fall back in to old habits too.

But back to dating; it's all based on character and personality attraction; physical is the bonus and there's no right or wrong attraction either. It's how you deal with it.

[BigTink2LilTink 723]

On 1/7/2017 at 0:19 AM, doxaholic said:

I was watching some you tube videos and came across a young man that lost all the weight. He was talking about that now that he is thin he would never date anyone that was overweight because he was not looking at going back to where he was an an overweight person would only drag him down. Now i am not thin My journey just started however if i were ever to get thin i would hope that i dont turn into some of the people that make fun of me now. However i also see his point of view only about the being healthy. What do you guys think do our minds really change that much that we forget who we once were? Or is it all in oneself?

Sent from my SM-G920P using the BariatricPal App

That guy is just a shallow a55-hole period end of discussion. Anyone that is shallow enough to instantly judge someone based on appearance alone is someone that shouldn't be dealt with in my opinion. I know we all have our traits, standards, and what we are attracted to, but again that's just so freaking shallow.

I can tell you that before, and now post surgery, I have been with over weight, morbidly obese and normal weight partners. To me size, which does have a visual appeal depending on my mood/tastes/desires at the time, doesn't 100% count for what I take into consideration when I am interested dating/being with someone romantically.

To be honest I am pan-sexual however I'm 110% attracted to women period. Their form, curves, size, breast, butt, personality, and emotional stability all has to fit into the right package for me to be interested. And sometimes that interest maybe in a woman that is a size 22, or she maybe in a size 8 after losing 150lbs or maybe she been naturally 130lbs all her life. The point is that there is more to people then how they look on the outside. Its what is inside of them that should matter the most when choosing someone to be with.

My current primary partner is a woman who is indeed overweight. She's easily about 110-120lbs heavier than where I'm currently at now. She is working on losing weight and getting in better overall health and she attributes that reasoning because of my journey and all the hard ass work I've been putting in. For that applaud her because I do want her to be healthy both physically and mentally because she's still very young and its easier to make that change now. But if she didn't drop a single pound from where she is at today I would still be attracted to her. Because her soul is beautiful. Her heart is kind, and her intentions are very honest and sincere with regards to me and how she feels about me. And that will trump a 10 body any day of the week for me. I've been with women who were "10's" on the outside but they were "1's" on the inside. And I don't need that sort of nonsense and hurt in my life again.

Edited May 16, 2017 by BigTink2LilTink

[Redmaxx 740]

You know what? I was just thinking about this very subject. I guess now that I am thinner I now notice people who are overweight. It doesn't disgust me or anything. I don't feel bad for them and I sure don't think that I am better than they are. I guess I just now notice that they are there. I was almost 50 when I had the RNY surgery last October and I wonder everyday why I waited so long. Just my $ .02.

[sgc 538]

4 hours ago, Redmaxx said:

You know what? I was just thinking about this very subject. I guess now that I am thinner I now notice people who are overweight. It doesn't disgust me or anything. I don't feel bad for them and I sure don't think that I am better than they are. I guess I just now notice that they are there. I was almost 50 when I had the RNY surgery last October and I wonder everyday why I waited so long. Just my $ .02.

I feel the same way. I notice more if people are overweight. I got the surgery after I had been working from home so I don't see my coworkers often. I topped out at 470 pounds and 99% of the time, I was the largest person in the room. All those coworkers looked to be at sizes I would have loved to be at. Now I go back and see the coworkers at 212 pounds, and suddenly they look bigger. I'm noticing some are bigger than I thought and actually bigger than I am.

[aimbow 3]

I hesitated to join this discussion because I have such conflicting feelings about weight now.
On the one hand, I have a lot of compassion for people who are hugely overweight. Science is finding that it's not a willpower issue, and as I've personally learned it's not anywhere near as easy to control weight as some people think (and I used to think). Even when I was heavy, I used to think it was just because I was failing and lacked the willpower to do the right things. Now I know how badly the deck is stacked against us.
I'm also a huge supporter of body positivity. Regardless of size or ability, people deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. There's no reason for anyone to receive substandard medical care because they're heavy, or be ridiculed by people in the street. Hating your body/self is counter productive to being healthy, and health should be the goal, not some ridiculous idea of what looks good that's pushed by media and photoshop. Being overweight does not automatically mean someone is unhealthy, just as being thin doesn't automatically mean someone is healthy.
That being said, there is a point where the weight interferes with movement and being able to care for oneself. As a nurse, I cannot consider that level of overweight to be anywhere near healthy, and this is one of the drawbacks I see to the body positivity movement. When I see someone who cannot move properly and maintain good hygiene because of the weight, I cannot help but wonder why they don't see that SOMETHING has to be done. Of course, drastic measures require access to medical care and many people in this country don't have it, so there's that. But I want so badly to channel Whoopie Goldberg's character from Ghost and grab them and say "you in danger, girl!!".
As for dating and relationships with people who are quite heavy... I am SO VERY GLAD to not be in the dating scene anymore. But if I were, I would not want to date someone who would jeopardize my health by constantly exposing me to unhealthy eating habits and sedentary pursuits. I'm doing all of this so I can get more active and be healthier, and would only be interested in spending time with someone who is also interested in healthy eating and activity. I don't think badly of people who aren't, but this has to become a big part of my life and factor into my serious relationships. It's more like if I were a recovering alcoholic, it would be a poor choice to get in a relationship with someone who drinks regularly. As it is, I'm lucky that my hubby wants to be more active, I'm actually the one who's dragging us down right now with my weight and chronic health issues. He'll go along with whatever I want to do.
I think ultimately we should seek out people with similar goals and priorities to ourselves, especially for romantic relationships. If one of our primary goals and highest priorities is our health, we should seek out people who feel the same and express that in their lives. Otherwise, our goals and priorities tend to change to meet those of the people we spend the most time with, and that can be detrimental to our health.

JA

[Guest]

On ‎1‎/‎6‎/‎2017 at 9:45 PM, clc9 said:

Considering how many times I've flipped from fat to thin, I feel compassion mostly.

But it seems that we are most critical of traits we see in others that we dislike in ourselves. So I guess his disdain is a reflection of his fear of going back to being that fat guy again.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

"Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people." ~ Carl Jung

[Guest]

On ‎1‎/‎7‎/‎2017 at 5:00 AM, LittleBill said:

Too many people are preoccupied with physical appearance. Some of the most beautiful people (physically speaking) have some of the worst personalities. They are full of nastiness and contempt for others. On the other hand, those who are more "homely" are often more generous in spirit and much more pleasant to be around. Every person should be evaluated by their character.

Treating people badly because of their physical appearance is a sure sign of a shallow personality. I did my best not to be that way before, and I will continue on that way.

I tip my hat to you and @4MRB4PHOTO for you display the hallmarks of true humanity. Having once been almost 400 pounds I can testify that the world treats you far worse than then you are thin. Fat bashing and being the brunt of jokes is the last bastion of politically incorrect humor permissible in our society. Make an irreverent joke about any other handicap, race, religion or sexual orientation and you are labeled a (insert group here)-a-phobe or racist, or monster. Ostracized from social media and society in general. Make a fat joke...well that just funny, that's ok because they did that to themselves and choose to live that way.

I can tell you from experience that I am treated way differently from the man I used to be. The respect levels I get from total strangers is astounding. Women smile more when I talk with them, guys seem more receptive and accepting of me and my ideas. Work and office life has improved with higher performance evaluations with absolutely NO CHANGE in the amount or quality of work I perform. I do the same good job day in and day out, but drop some poundage and whammo! All Star Employee. Strange isn't it?

The societal construct of our modern lives has inundated us with their images of beauty. The waif runway model, the thin bushy haired teen idols, or the svelte debonair silver fox gentlemen, like Sam Elliot. But when you think of fat actors like Chris Farley, John Belushi, and Kevin James, they all fall into the humor category (fat is funny). The nation we live in just does not accept larger people and passes judgement overtly and covertly through media, print and social forums. Sad but true.