Pity

[tapgirl 37]

Hi all,

I just had an evening in with a close friend who knows I had the surgery 9 weeks ago. Towards the end of the evening she asked how I was doing and I said things were going really well, I'd been feeling a lot better physically and mentally. She seemed awkward and when I asked her what was on her mind, she said "I just feel really sorry for you. You won't ever be able to eat normally again like any of us. I also can't believe you chose the surgery that was permanent and not something that could be reversed in the future once you've got to where you want to be"

I responded that this was exactly the reason I wanted it to be permanent, I want to create a new norm for myself that I can't reverse. Yes in time I'm sure I could find ways around the sleeve if that was something I choose to do, but what's the point of that.

It was my choice to have the surgery. It was my choice to confide in my closest friends. It is my choice to use the sleeve as a tool. But I don't feel the need to be pitied; I think it's sad that for a large part of my life that problems were dealt with by using food, but enough is enough now. I needed something big to combat a big problem.

I am aware that potential reactions from loved ones can put us off sharing this journey, it's our bodies, our choice. I suppose I just had a negative reaction to the suggestion that somehow, my choice, was wrong. I should have done something else.

There's no real answer to this, I understand my friend is entitled to share what she thinks, I enabled that by sharing what I had decided to do. I hope in time that she will see what I see, in that this was probably the best thing I could have done. I don't need anyone to affirm this for me, I'm pretty confident on my own just through how my outlook has changed and how I'm viewing food as something different.

Despite this, I suppose I'm also conscious there's still a part of me that wants those important to me, to see it too. I also wonder whether her comments have tapped into a small nagging voice in my head that's thinking "what if she's right?" Because if that's the case, there's really nothing I can do about it now!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Meh.

Your new normal is going to feel great in skinny jeans. Trust me.

[tapgirl 37]

Ha I can't wait for skinny jeans! I'll start working on my skinny Jean strut in the meantime... x

[heidikat72 935]

I think you gave a good response. Why would you want to regain your health only temporarily?

Unless someone has walked in our bodies for any length of time/struggled with obesity themselves, they don't understand. And that's ok. You can't control whether she "pities" you or not - just live a great, happy healthy life. maybe in time when she she's how happy and healthy you are and that you certainly don't pity yourself, she'll come around.

and definitely start practicing that strut now!

[Selvia 10]

She's jealous of u. I know that when someone is convincing them selfs that u have a problem means they are trying to look at what they think r negatives in ur life so they feel better about them selfs.

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[CStoned 155]

I think you gave a good response. Why would you want to regain your health only temporarily?

Unless someone has walked in our bodies for any length of time/struggled with obesity themselves, they don't understand. And that's ok. You can't control whether she "pities" you or not - just live a great, happy healthy life. maybe in time when she she's how happy and healthy you are and that you certainly don't pity yourself, she'll come around.

and definitely start practicing that strut now!

Amen!

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

, I'm pretty confident on my own

. I also wonder whether her comments have tapped into a small nagging voice in my head that's thinking "what if she's right?"

She's wrong. Drop "pretty" from that sentence. Your view of all aspects is solid gold.

[is that friend noticeably overweight? If so, there's your answer.]

[clc9 644]

She doesn't understand that if you had something you could undo, the weight would come back just like if you lost it without surgery. The surgery gives you a chance to stay at a healthy weight.

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[pvechiola 195]

Ha I can't wait for skinny jeans! I'll start working on my skinny Jean strut in the meantime... x

Put your skinny jeans on and walk that runway, lol, my mom said I should be able to lose weight with exercise and no nite eating but, I joined planet fitness and I worked hard all summer to try to lose, I put my surgery off for two years trying to get my weight down. I am so sorry I let my family talk me out of it. Now I'm miserable, I still try to be active and go to the gym and watch what I eat.

My surgeon said the fat around our waistline is hormonal and with the surgery it changes everything. I am taking charge of my surgery. I had to get a breast reduction just so I could exercise, I was more miserable than I am now, my back and neck pain were off the charts. I am now beginning to have actual body pain and I think it's because my body is having a hard time moving with all the weight on me. I now know I need this surgery to keep me from having Co-morbidities later down the road. Don't listen to nay sayers , you know what's right for you and don't doubt yourself my whole family is against this but I can't live another day in this body I am constantly in pain lately . It's catching up to me very quickly, I have a friend who's sister had the wls and a breast reduction surgery like me, even the breast reduction made me feel like I was in heaven I was so happy when I did that it's the best thing I have ever done. I was a 42J and now I'm a 42D much more comfortable.

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[jwinters19 124]

I have also had some friends incredulous that I won't ever be able to eat "normal" amounts again. They haven't said they pity me, through. What I find interesting about it is that all my friends that focus on the loss of ability to stuff in food have never been fat...they just don't get the price some of us have to pay for that and how just uncomfortable life can truly be as an overweight person.

HW 285.8 SW 272.8 CW 252 GW 140 Sleeved 11/23

[bitingcat 87]

I always feel like obesity is similar to food allergies, clinical depression, and just a host of other things most people haven't personally experienced. Some people just don't get why you can't just "cheer up". You know - haven't you ever tried not being depressed? Taking a brisk walk always gets them out of a funk, so it should work for you, right? Wouldn't, you know, not sitting on the couch eating donuts just fix your weight?

But then again, in addition to depression ("why would you need to take meds?") I also have serious and bizarre food allergies that most people don't actually believe in. (Seriously - try being a fat woman explaining that she's anaphylactically allergic to salad. ) The ones that get past the patent disbelief and really think about it usually begin to grieve for all the foods I can't eat. "You mean, you can't eat Caesar salad? What about lettuce wraps? Not those either?! What do you EAT!!!"

They're too used to people claiming allergies when they don't like something, just like they're used to people being down claiming depression, and people who are 20 lbs overweight being hopelessly overweight. So if you actually can communicate the level of difference, they kind of freak out a little. I've seen people finally understand what being celiac or having a life threading peanut allergy really means (niece and nephew) and just about lose it over the thought of never eating Oreos, or restaurant buffet, or soda ever again.

What they don't get is that compared to the consequences we're already

living with, a restaurant buffet or two really doesn't really matter. Is it frustrating to go to a party and not be able to eat a single thing there? Absolutely - but I've been living with that my whole life. And compared to morbid obesity (or, you know, anaphylactic shock) I'm willing to live with it.

But then again, I get stupid comments all the time And I try never to attribute to malice what can be laid at the feet of ignorance or stupidity. Hopefully your friend will see you living it up in your skinny jeans and realize the world doesn't end with her own experiences. More and more research indicates that weight loss, like depression, isn't usually an easy fix and can require drastic measures.

Sounds like you made the choice with eyes wide open for the same reasons as me. Hopefully we'll both justify our decision

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[pvechiola 195]

I have also had some friends incredulous that I won't ever be able to eat "normal" amounts again. They haven't said they pity me, through. What I find interesting about it is that all my friends that focus on the loss of ability to stuff in food have never been fat...they just don't get the price some of us have to pay for that and how just uncomfortable life can truly be as an overweight person.

HW 285.8 SW 272.8 CW 252 GW 140 Sleeved 11/23

They probably have never had an addiction, which makes it all the more easier for me to accept this as one.

I was addicted to drugs and when I finally got sober I think that's when I traded drugs for food. All addiction is the same. Now I talk myself out of late night binging by using my AA material. It does work. I just have to practice it every day and I try to wake up every day and decide to eat right every day. My friends either have someone in their family or know someone who has had this wls so the hell with the ones that don't understand it.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

99% of the people I am around don't know if had surgery and think I eat nornally. Almost everyone low carbs at some point in their life. I low carb, no one thinks it is wired. I go out to restaurants and I can finish a whole entree or make it look like I did.

The amount of time you can't eat "normally" is so short it isn't even worth dwelling on. 6 to 9 months out of a lifetime.

Comments like your friend is exactly why I didn't tell people. Still the people that I did tell, they never make comments like that. My best friend and I are foodies and now all we do is make sure we get the highest quality and best food possible when I visit. She never pities that I can eat less, but she really loves me. People need to rethink some of the people they have in their lives and decide if they really care about them or not.

[scipiobabe 24]

I'm with you Selvia

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[sasharbinx 115]

It's like telling a recovering drug addict, sorry you can't shoot up anymore buddy! Dur.

Not to say that everyone who gets wls is an addict but the analogy fits.

The most I've gotten is my dad saying he didn't want to eat tacos in front of me, which while I do wish I could eat some (am on full liquids rn) I told him not to worry. It's a matter of desensitizing for me and it's just a work in progress. My body, my choice - I don't need pity either!

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Edited January 9, 2017 by sasharbinx