Feeling sad, having second thoughts

[BrooklynBandster 0]

Hi, all - I'm not banded yet, but I'm well on my journey to having insurance cover it. I've been feeling sad lately because I'm starting to have a hard time envisioning this change as something that comes from a place of self-love instead of self-disgust. There are so many images out there that tell us that fat people are disgusting, unworthy, unattractive, etc., and I've worked hard to fight against those ideas my whole life. I'm in a place now where I want to make a change in my weight, not because I want to be teeny-tiny, but because I want to be able to walk easily and travel and enjoy my thirties and forties. Yet I'm stuck on feeling like I should do this the "natural" way (not that it's ever worked before), or that I should just love and accept myself as I am, or something along those lines.

I see the progress you've all made with yourselves and it's totally inspiring. Have any of you dealt with feelings like these?

[Betsyjane 2]

Yes!!!! For all the times I've dieted and failed, I developed tremendous self blame. The core of it for me was believing that as a successful woman, I should be able to do this too. But I couldn't. It is so complex, this obesity. I do believe that after carrying weight for so long, my brain has changed...and my body...and my chemistry....and all that garbage about being able to change morbid obesity with diet and exercise is just ignorant.

What I found is that I carried that self blame all the way through the first month after surgery. And then slowly, I changed. I found that I was able to let go of self blame, even for days that I screwed up on the lap band plan. I found that the band was a good friend. On days that I was good, I lost weight. On days that I wasn't, I didn't gain! My band pateintly waited and maintained my weight until I got back on track. What had been impossible before was just hard work now. And that was fine with me!

For me, I had to experience the gentle successes and the days of being just a flawed human being, and the patience and peace that I've found, before I could get a real vision of success. I am now as grateful for my maintenance days as my losing days, and it feels natural...something that I wasn't able to be before.

[Betsyjane 2]

I also found a new natural in other ways. I no longer take diabetic meds, and my osteoporosis has completely reversed itself. So no more pills = more natural, I think. I can also see my feet, and cross my legs!

[juliegeraci 7]

Hi Listenhard, I went through the same emotions. Wondering how on God's green earth I could reach almost 300 lbs. Once I got over the fact that I needed help in this area, I was fine. I mourned it for a day and got over it. You will be okay. Just stay focused on the prize. You will love losing the weight and feel much better. Its okay to seek help. Obesity is not curable.

[2008er 0]

I waffle (and wrestle) with the same thoughts. If I'm so d@mned competent in everything else, why can't I get a grip on something and mathematically simple as calories in vs. calories out?? And yet, here I am as well. It's like the serenity prayer - we need to work very, very hard to accept those things we cannot change, and we have to work even harder to identify them.

I felt the same way before I decided to pursue psychotherapy. I knew I was "broken" but thought I "should" be able to fix myself. No go. Life is SO much better once I came to grips with the fact that TRULY smart people know when to ask for help, and where to get it. Hey, even Albert Einstein didn't know his own phone number...he just knew where to look it up.

[GayleTX 1]

You can do it now in your thirties and have a chance at at a normal life. Or you can do as I did.....gain and lose and gain and lose then develop co-morbidities then gain and lose and screw up your metabolism so that you gain...but don't lose...and then gain some more. And then you can have surgery when you are old and sick and willing to try anything to regain some hope of a future. If you've seriously already tried everything else, why would you wait?

[Betsyjane 2]

Gayle, we sound like birds of a feather. Great post.

[BrooklynBandster 0]

Thanks, everyone. I know you're right. And Gayle, I know that what you're saying is true - I want to truly have my thirties and forties as the best time in my life, a time to explore and enjoy without fear. (Well, at least without SOME kinds of fear.) This is what keeps driving me forward: the prospect of a life that's not (literally) weighed down as mine is now. The idea of fitting into all those cute clothes is nice, yeah, but it's not my priority. I want to feel good. That's the bottom line.

It's funny, because I've done other things before that certainly weren't "natural" to lose weight - pills that gave me an irregular heartbeat, starving myself against my better judgment - but I never felt as guilty about those as I do about the prospect of this little band. I guess it's the surgery thing more than anything.

My major issues right now are feeling self-love around this. Betsyjane, I really appreciated what you said about finding a new kind of natural, and being gentle with yourself. I'm just working so hard every day to come from a "feeling healthy IS self-love" place, instead of an "I'm a big fat slob" kind of place.

[TheFox 0]

It's funny, because I've done other things before that certainly weren't "natural" to lose weight - pills that gave me an irregular heartbeat, starving myself against my better judgment - but I never felt as guilty about those as I do about the prospect of this little band.

Wow. Amen. You really put that into perspective for me.

[Betsyjane 2]

You don't have to get all the head stuff right now. It will come over time.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

It isn't "natural" to give a diabetic meds for their blood sugar but it's the right thing to do.

Obesity, heart disease, diabetes, joint deterioration... all those are natural. Are those okay?

I think sometimes you just have to get realistic and put this in perspective. The reality is that you are just like us. We couldn't do it either. With the band, we can. It's admitting to yourself that you just can't do it alone.

If getting medical treatment is less than natural, I'm all for "not natural" because I want to enjoy life. I think you need to ask yourself how much you want to lose weight and how hard you are willing to work for it.

Being banded is not easy, but it IS the kind of hard WE can do.

[peaches9 3]

Awh, I know it is a stressful time... Unlike the OP above I didn't start having any 2nd thoughts(regrets) until this past week after my 2nd fill...

I am REALLY getting restriction now (what I wanted right?) but I am finding it a challenge to drink all the Water I am supposed to PLUS I have a lot of pills to swallow through out the day and having to stop drinking during/after a meal is a drag....

I was just feeling SORRY for myself and being totally honest here.... I was MISSING PIGGING OUT!!!!

Well, I am down 20 lbs since surge. and 2 fills, and down 60+ overall since I started this "new improved" me lifestyle...

My pity party did not last long and I am again down weight this a.m....

So as of today, this minute... I have NO regrets... and its not that hard.. we just need to re-learn loading forks, eating off smaller plates, chewwing more.. stopping sooner*(that's the EASY PART now)

There is a learning curve, just like in a new job... I learn a bit more about life with the band everyday.

My hubby is so happy with the slimmer me, he says "OH I can get both my arms around you and hug you tighter"... that meant everything to me. He is such a dear.

We had some great friends come for dinner last night, they hadn't seen me in quite a while... the husband couldn't stop complementing me on how good I looked!!! Now he didn't reference my weight, just kept gazing at me ... wow, I love your hair etc. etc... but I know what it was..

My blood pressures have gone from 140/90 (Dr. was wanting to Rx more pills!) down to 127/74

I am excersising at the gym without 'dying' each time...

Many blessings indeed

[TerriDoodle 6]

You can do it now in your thirties and have a chance at at a normal life. Or you can do as I did.....gain and lose and gain and lose then develop co-morbidities then gain and lose and screw up your metabolism so that you gain...but don't lose...and then gain some more. And then you can have surgery when you are old and sick and willing to try anything to regain some hope of a future. If you've seriously already tried everything else, why would you wait?

Man, does THIS ever sound like my life story!!!