Long term regret? Doubting myself

[Didjit 44]

I'm a 50yo male, shy of 300lbs. and 6ft. I've been approved for the vertical sleeve and will meet with the surgeon on Wednesday. But I'm doubting whether this is the right thing for me or whether I'm setting myself up for a big disappointment and medical troubles.

In particular, my husband works in an OR and says he sees lots of re-dos after people failed to stick with the plan. And that the surgeons know there's a high failure rate. In his opinion I'm "just fat, not obese" (BMI:42), and so the surgery isn't appropriate and I "don't have the discipline to stick with it".

It's incredibly disheartening to know my main support doesn't support me in this.

I could really use some input from people, men in particular, who have been through this. Aside from the obvious (being slimmer, smaller meals, regular exercise) what were the unexpected changes you had to make? Any regrets?

[LittleBill 2,231]

The changes you need to make in your life are going to be the same, surgery or not. So make the changes, and let the surgery go for a while. If you see good results, there is a good chance you won't need it. If you don't see any results - particularly if you can't stick with the dietary changes - surgery won't help you.

ETA: I haven't had any unexpected changes. Everything was spelled out pretty clearly from the start.

Edited December 3, 2016 by LittleBill

[Fredbear 397]

At BMI of 42, you're not just obese, you're morbidly obese, and at just about my starting size. You're not just fat, you're at a dangerously unhealthy weight that is inviting diabetes, heart attacks, strokes, etc.

I call absolute bull$hit on your husband. The surgery doesn't "fail," patients "fail to change their behavior." If his OR is seeing "lots of re-dos," what that tells me is that the surgeons/hospital are not properly preparing patients for the procedure (ie., setting them up to fail).

You're 50 and morbidly obese. Ask your husband if he wants you to die within the next 5-10 years, maybe it'll change his mind. If it doesn't, maybe you need a different husband.

I'm 4 days out and this is the best I've felt in so many years. My only regret was not doing it 5 years ago.

Edited December 3, 2016 by Fredbear

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@Didjit

I'm not a guy but most of the things that are issues or concerns post-op are only for a short time. The lack of capacity and the limited drinking at once, is short term. Once you are healed at 6 months, you have more capacity. At a year you can eat normal healthy portions. I was worried before surgery that I would always feel like I was strange of different from other people, but I fit in better with the world now, than I ever did before. I eat like a health conscious person, and that never stands out.

I think your partner is just scared for you. Working in the hospital, they are only going to see the bad cases. All the successful healthy people never see the ER. I certainly have never been to the ER since surgery.

Your partner doesn't have to carry this excess weight, you have to. If you want the surgery, have the surgery.

[blizair09 3,250]

At my heaviest, I weighed 397 pounds at 6'0". During my six-month insurance-required diet program, I lost 99 pounds, weighing 298 on the day of my surgery (same as you now). Even having lost all of that weight pre-op, I knew that I needed the surgery. I needed it to anchor the second half of my weight loss. I needed it to help me not gain all of the weight back later. I needed it to help me finish taking control of my life. I needed it to help me carve out a healthy pathway to lead the second half of my life.

The food stages immediately after the surgery sucked. Of course they did. I lived on liquids for over 3 weeks. (And I was lucky; I didn't have to do the 2 week pre-op liquid diet of death that most people have to do because I lost all of the weight I did pre-op.) The day of surgery and the first 2 days after sucked. Of course they did. I had major surgery, and put my body through a trauma.

But, you know what? By Day 3, I started rebounding, and it was quick. By Week 7, I had been through the food stages. Now, I am at Week 9 post-op, and I feel great. I've lost another 40 pounds since the surgery and I am well on the way to meeting all of my goals.

Yes, you have to have discipline along with perseverance, grit and mental toughness to be successful in this journey. The surgery doesn't do it for you. But if you can find it within yourself to muster those necessary qualities, you will be successful.

I'll admit, I've been lucky. My partner has lost 110 pounds as I have lost almost 140. He weighed 316 when he started, so he didn't have quite as much to lose as me. He didn't go the route of the sleeve, and has been successful, but he hasn't battled his weight all of his life like I have. He has been my rock and nothing but supportive of everything, as I have been to him.

I'd have a serious sit-down with your husband and try to get at the real underlying reasons for his feelings. Does he battle his weight? Is he insecure about your relationship in any way? My partner and I both know that outside attention from other guys when we go out is going to become something we have to deal with. In fact, we already are having to deal with it. That is just how the gay male world works.

Anyway, good luck as you continue your journey. I have no regrets at all, and I wish the same for you.

[Aggiemae 739]

It's true that many people do regain weight and chose to have a revision but it was not the surgery that "failed". But let's leave that issue aside for now.

Your best chance of long term success is making sure that you go into the surgery educated and prepared . Take the classes at the bariatric center and consider taking a "lifestyle" class as well. I did and the 6 months I spent working on my food issues and learning new skills, like chewing and actually tasting my food, drinking Water, and even just using small dishes, it was the best thing I could have done.

I didn't ask him what he thought before I started the process (I have never asked "permission" to do anything in 40 years of marriage). My husband was supportive of the idea of surgery but have been a basket cast since I had it. Let your husband know that you want and need his support but did nth let his opinion determine what you decide to do.

No one asked this yet but is your husband also overweight?

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

whether I'm setting myself up for a big disappointment and medical troubles.

It's incredibly disheartening to know my main support doesn't support me in this.

I could really use some input from people, men in particular,

I'm glad you didn't rule women out. Some things are universal rather than gender-specific.

You'll find disappointment down the road if you look for it. We tend to find what we seek in any realm. As to medical troubles, I think the question is 99% moot. There is risk with any surgery. There is risk upon getting out of bed each day. There is risk from staying in bed.

It would be nice if your husband had expressed faith in your resolve to follow through. At the very least it helps to have our closest people not make faces at us. What matters more is your own faith. In a perfect world he would and/or will be your "second main support," if I may put it that way. We all need to be our own main supports. We're "It."

@@Aggiemae raised a significant question. It's common for the closest people who are obese or even common-garden overweight to resent surgery. The fears usually center around losing the eating partner or being the only fat person in a room as the other slims down. It's important to talk about this stuff in a worthwhile relationship. Opening the subject isn't the easiest, but it can save the connection.

[elisa5150 212]

The key words in your original post are "failed to stick with the plan". Get qualified and make changes one at a time. By the time surgery is scheduled you'll know whether or not you can do it.

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[Didjit 44]

Thanks, everyone, for all the great responses and perspectives.

I'm clear that this decision is 100% mine to make. And that neither my husband's support or even the surgery itself will make a difference if I'm not committed to the change myself. The ironic thing is that years ago I had been committed to the change. I'd dropped 70lbs from 250 and thought I'd made it. But I found it hard to hold onto that, and then when I met my now-husband... well, we're both foodies and he's a fantastic Italian cook. My environment was no longer as strictly controlled as I'd been keeping it, and so the pounds poured on. So in the beginning I was fit and pretty thin, then we both gained lots of weight but I really excelled at it. Now he's been trimming down and I've been feeling hopelessly beyond the point of no return.

I think his opposition to WLS is mostly due to the fact that his experience with WLS is based on failed patients and surgical complications. It's just made me wonder whether I've been focusing on only the success stories.

So, again, thanks everyone for the support and feedback. @@Fredbear, that was pretty harsh, but not inaccurate. Thanks for the reality dose. @@elisa5150 & @@LittleBill, your simple suggestions were elegant and helped put my doubts in perspective. @@blizair09 & @@OutsideMatchInside, thank you for sharing your experience, and @@WLSResources/ClothingExch & @@Aggiemae, thank you for your advice and support. And to the women, I hope you didn't feel slighted by my request for feedback from the men in particular. I just wanted to encourage their voices as we seem to be a minority here.

[Fredbear 397]

If you look at men in their 50's, death is almost always a heart attack. That's what was in my future if I didn't do something, and I was fully aware of that.

[Aggiemae 739]

I started this process once 10 years ago and lost so much weight during the pre op period that I didn't go through with it. I am great at diets, my problem has always been maintenance. This time my pre prep was extensive. Also I'm in my mind 60s and losing weight, even on 1200 calories a day had become impossibly slow and tedious. I've lost 23 pounds and I am already able to walk over a mile and at the risk of TMI, I have already lost enough abdominal weight to stop peeing in my pants.

My husband and I are majorities. And other that my current preference for soft food and the fact that eating g out costs half as much it really hasn't effected our social life. The refrigerator is another story as the main cook learns not to cook meals for four when Nell two people eat more than 3 oz of food. The first 10 weeks are restrictive but so far I've put it into perspective.

Keep in touch.

[Aggiemae 739]

Majorities? Major foodies. Damn elf correct!

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@Didjit --

"And to the women, I hope you didn't feel slighted by my request for feedback from the men in particular. I just wanted to encourage their voices as we seem to be a minority here."

Speaking for myself, not at all. It's your topic. You'll find that if you post in the Men Only forum, you'll hear from women, too. It works that way in the Women Only forum, too. It's less that nothing is sacred and more that people want to take part when they think they can contribute something of value.

Re. your second sentence, here's a wild guess and, of course, I'm probably way off: You're either a teacher or psychologist or were a summer-camp counselor when you were in college.

I hope you'll post more as you go through the decision-making process. Because of the way I look at things, I also hope you keep Wednesday's appt with the surgeon. You're still not committing (unless you do), but he/she is the one who can answer so many of your questions on the procedure and outcome.

Edited December 4, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[Didjit 44]

Lol, not even close. Software engineer. But the sensitive kind. :-D

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