Wright Loss And The Realization And Struggle Of Me Lying To Myself And Other's

[magnetic 0]

Hi my name is Marc and this it my first time ever posting my private feeling and life on the web... I'm 39 years old, been diagnosed with ADD, witch I'm currently on Vyvanse for, and it seems to be helping a lot with my memory and bouncing on and off topic.. That said i apologize if I bounce around alot, And for my very bad grammar, and punctuation. I'm working harder to get better at it.. It's not easy though... I'm looking for feedback, and unbiased constructive criticism is ok... I'm going to give snap shots of my life and the love I had and lost... I feel each one of us that's over weight got here not because we said (I want to be fat when I grow up), but by genetics and life in general that laid the path that we chose to lead, us to the moment when we say (ENOUGH )..... (I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HATING MY SELF, I'M SICK AND TIRED OF MY SELF PITY PARTY).....(I WANT MY LIFE BACK AND I REFUSE TO FORGET AND GIVE UP ON MYSELF AGAIN)..... I've said most of that to myself over and over again over the years.... And time and time again I ended right back on The self pity train... Not understanding why I keep lying to myself, not understanding what's wrong with me... I'm miserable every day, yet I don't do anything about it.... ( WHY WAS I CREATED BROKEN?). Why is it other people in my life can change there path with determination and will power but I can't seem to stay commented, to my heart, thoughts, and feelings like everyone else I know... Every one I have ever talked to when I asked how did you over come what ever it was they overcame said when your ready you will do it..... (DO IT FOR YOURSELF, DO IT FOR YOUR SON,DO IT FOR YOUR WIFE.) Sometimes I wonder if I known then what I know now would it have made a difference?..... If I new 1 year ago November 27 2015 my life would change forever in the blink of an eye... Would I? Could i have made different choices to better my self and my life before that fateful day?... The emotions, betrayal, pain , and hurt beyond anything I've ever felt before burned into my head forever... that is the day my weight loss gurney started.. that is the day my wife took of her rings, that I the night she said she had to leave at 11pm to clear her head... that is the day I knew what real pain was... that is the day I cried all night with my 8 year old son crying as saying momma will be back... I new in my heart she was going to have an a fair that night... I knew that i let go the best thing that ever happened to me that night.. And i found her at the guys motel room the next morning after putting my son on the bus.. (AGAIN I ASKED MY SELF WHY AM I BROKE. WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN TO HER CRYS FOR HELP AND TAKE IT SERIOUSLY WHY I'M I NOT CAPABLE TO MINDSET MYSELF AND CHANGE?)... My wife is the most amazing woman in the world.. In my opinion the live and support she gave me for 14 years cannot be matched my another... I knew this yet I continued to let my food addiction and computer addition control my life why? Am I alone in feeling this way? Thinking this way? On that day I vowed to lose weight and change my life... it was and still is to late for my change to help us, but never to late to help myself... she met me when I was 300 pounds. I weighed 480 on that fateful day. 1 year later I'm currently at 368 pounds.. 112 pounds lost on my own... The weight was never a deciding factor in her decision that night... she tried to help me change and lose weight and got nothing but lies and attitude back.... she worned me for years, even threatened to move out 4 years ago yet that was still not enough to change? (REALLY WTF IS WRONG WITH ME). We both work the same job we both work 50 plus hours a week. Yet we would come home and I'd go right on the computer or TV. She would cook clean the house do all the financial help with are sons homework, make shure his lunch was made. We're the heck was my head? I loved her yet I gave her false lies about changes I'd make and not be there for her when she needed it... why on earth did it take her leaving me before I'd stop blaming my mental and facial abuse growing up on why I can't achieve a simple goal?. We're still living together but she might have found an appointment and be moving out in December... why is it that now I understand what I put her threw? I'm balancing my checkbook cleaning the house worries about paying off my 13k in credit card dept. Working 72 hours a week to get ahead.i feel like I'm drowning yet I've only delt with this for a few months.. and she was with me for 14 years? How can I say it was the addition? I've been really working hard on losing weight and I'm signed up for the gastric sleeve. I have all completed except for quitting smoking and phyc evaluation. My problem is now now ever eating.... my wife had some orioes. Do you think I could stop at 8? No next thing I new the whole bag was gone.... why am I still having a hard time to stop myself? Is there a method I can learn? I refuse to go gain my weight back.... I fight with always being hungry never full... I've got way more energy now that I'm 112 pounds lighter any help and support would be appreciated .

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[cat17 57]

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I think that you should find a therapist you trust and start talking through all of this. I've been in therapy for over two years and couldn't have made the changes I've made without it.

[magnetic 0]

Ty I appreciate that.. I'm seing someone about it... but it's more about am I alone in what it took for me to make a better change in controling my weight and making the changes to be succesful i understand I'll fight the mental food addiction the rest of my life...... Ok so my point of the story was this is what it took for me to say enough is enough... is that normal? If it is normal what are people going to have to live threw before they get to that point.... and if that's the case are we cosmicly being punished for something? Why is it some people can just put there mind to it and be successful?

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Edited November 27, 2016 by magnetic

[shedo82773 1,236]

Thank you for sharing and reaching out for some help!! First, I don't think we are being punished by any means. But...I know for a fact that research has shown that being overweight isn't always something we choose. That food ADDICTIONS are REAL!! So many things can start us out using food to heal our hurt, be it physical or emotionally. If you are addicted to food then think of it like you being addicted to smoking, drugs, sex whatever it is!! The definition of ADDICTION: the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity. Compulsive physiological need for use of a habit-forming substance. ADDICtION a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Now I'm not saying that all overweight people are addicted to food but lots are. Myself I have had an addictive personality my whole life. Maybe it wasn't food to start with but in other issues in my life. I used to say that I was either (pardon my way of saying this but it is true)Balls to the wall or nothing!! I am learning it isn't just all or nothing in my choices. I am so sorry that you feel like you are so broken, you are a man that is seeking comfort in the way that has always worked for you. IE: FOOD. I hope everything works out for you and I look forward to following your journey!! If you need to vent I'm here anytime!! Congratulations on deciding to have your WLS.

[magnetic 0]

Thank you very much for that... I took am all or nothing I know exactly what your talking about.. I was told way to often that when something is stuck in my head it's all I focus on and then when I need to get motivated to do something I won't... I know it's all mind set. I know growing up pore with my mom step dad brother and sister, homeless, having no food no possessions to call my own all mabey played a roll in my choices... but I'm 39 I feel it should not have taken that for me to want to start taking care of what really matters... I go for my phyc evaluation next month and to be honest it scares me..I have gone so far on my own and I'm proud that I've lost 112 pounds in the last year.. this is the second time I've tryed beriatric. The first time was in 09 and I had 100 percent support from my wife but I failed and could not lose more than 40 pounds of the 70 I had to lose so I gave up like always.. this time I started my weight loss with the intention of showing her I was seriously going to do it this time.. but I cried wolf to many times.. and when I finally emotionally broke , I finally got it. With help of a counselor I finally understood that even though I loved her and my son in can't really show love it if don't love myself. So I came to the understanding that I'm not happy and I'm the only one that can change that. I will not fail myself again, yes I have doubts that the gastric sleeve will help me lose weight. I don't know how many times I wish I knew what feeling content felt like. Or what felling hungry actually feels like.. my mind and body loves to tell me I'm always hungry and it's a horrible feeling. I feel broken because I feel any normal person would not have to lose everything that love in order to finally understand myself..

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[gowalking 10,790]

Some of us have to reach rock bottom in order to make positive changes. I was morbidly obese and close to being wheelchair bound. I had no life. I couldn't walk a block without having to sit and I live in NYC...a place where everyone walks.

I couldn't travel, couldn't play with my granddaughter, couldn't do much of anything...except eat. And eat I did...even though every forkful of food meant I was jeopardizing my mobility even more.

I had the band put in nearly four years ago. I've been in therapy for more than two years as I needed to work on the core issues of why I was fat...and how to not get fat again. I had both hips replaced less than a year after my band. I still have issues because of the damage I've done to myself and need to take anti-inflammatory and pain meds.

On the good side, is that after this up and down voyage, I am living life again as a normal sized person. I can walk just about anywhere..albeit in pain at times. I run after my new grandson who just turned a year and a half. I have a wonderful man in my life again and I never expected that would happen. Never. I say a prayer of thanks everytime I lie in his arms or take his hand when we go walking. I went to London on vacation last year...something I've wanted to do for so long...and thought I'd never be able to do. Next spring, I go on a two week trip to The Netherlands, Russia, Finland, Germany, Iceland, Norway, and Estonia. To me, this is truly miraculous considering where I was before surgery.

Understand that for many of us, the weight is a symptom of something much deeper than just food. I would suggest you continue with therapy....and for however long it takes for you to understand your motives and to try to change your behavior. It's not easy and I find this part of my weight loss journey harder than the losing weight part.

Thank you for sharing your story with us and know that you will find a sympathetic sounding board here and the support you need at least in this virtual world we inhabit.

[magnetic 0]

Ty go walking that was very inspiring... I defenently hit rock bottom now there is no were but up...

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