Pre-Op Cold Feet Due to Family's WLS Disapproval :(

[Vagrant Violet 17]

I am scheduled to undergo a gastric bypass on December 20. While I am looking forward to starting a new, healthier chapter in my life, I have to admit that I am starting to get cold feet. One of the main reasons for this is because of the disapproval of two people with whom I am very close, my mother and my sister.

I told my sister about the surgery date (which is right around the corner), and she became very upset. She feels that I can lose my excess weight (about 100 lbs+) without surgery, that I will not be able to adapt well (at least psychologically speaking) to the changes that weight loss surgery requires. I think that a part of that is due to the clinical depression that I have suffered from for years now, and the potential of the WLS interfering with my meds that I take for it.

Moreover, she brought up the point that I have a history of being impulsive and not following through (which, in some cases in my life, I can't deny). At the end of our conversation, she left it at, "... but it's ultimately your decision," as if resigning herself to what she thinks is going to be a major mistake on my part.

My mom's reaction was similar, but I couldn't even bring myself to tell her about when I have my surgery scheduled... and I *hate* not being 100% truthful with anyone, especially my family.

I know that I am an independent adult and, at the end of the day, I need to make my own decisions and live with the consequences (whether they are positive or negative), but I hate feeling like I am defying the people who I love or am letting them down.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What was the outcome? Any words of wisdom? Anything at all???

Thank you all in advance. - Vagrant Violet

[WannabeH 114]

You are right Vagrant Violet you have to make the decision yourself. It's your journey and no one else. Regarding your depression have you spoken to a psychologist/psychiatrist experienced in WLS? They are qualified to best help you with your decision and advise you how the surgery will affect your meds.

I'm sure your mother and sister have good intentions, but our loved ones do not always know what is best for our own individual needs.

Now my experience. I had WLS 10 months ago. I guess my BMI at 36 wasn't as severe as some people but I still felt psychologically trapped. No matter how hard I tried I just could not loose the pounds, and year after year my weight increased, and I went from being an overweight teenager to a severely obese adult.

Last year I stepped on the scale and my weight increased to a new high.

I remember saying to myself I need to go on another diet...and then I had an "aha" moment. I asked myself ...."what am I going to change about myself to be successful in loosing weight that I haven't done before".

It then finally clicked. I realised I couldn't do it by myself as I had previously tried every weight loss fad, personal trainers, weight loss companies and diet pills and nothing had worked. I finally understood I needed medical intervention. So I made the decision to have WLS. I choose the bypass, because if I was going to choose surgery I wanted the procedure that would be most effective.

I didn't tell many people because I wasn't willing to be vulnerable to their judgement, as I have a tendency to be over-sensitive.

As the days grew closer to surgery I did become more scared, but I knew for me this would be the only way to experience significant weight-loss so I stuck with my decision.

After surgery the first weeks were tricky, and there were a couple of days in the beginning I did think "why did I do this" but to be honest my journey was mostly an easy one.

My BMI is now 23. I have never been this slim my entire teenage/adult life. I've gone from hating myself and feeling frustrated everyday to realllllyy liking myself. I have never been more healthy, more confident and never looked so good, and the compliments I receive from people are never ending.

So from my own personal experience..so far...it's one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I hope you can feel as amazing as I do .... what ever your choice maybe.

[My4Brownies 283]

I agree with wannabeH

I I struggled for 20yrs with weight gain/loss..I'm 5'4 and bmi put me at morbid obese at 276 highest weight..I tried every thing the last 2 urs..gym, diet pills, cutting out foods..no success..I knew I needed something that would internally(physically) limit me from eating cus mentally I was not doing it on my own...I and 11days post op and I am more conscience of my choices/limits more than I EVER have been...Don't get me worng, I was programmed through life that I needed to eat, when I'm running errands, work, visiting so that mental part is a life adjustment.. But now you will think (like me) that preparing foods n snack choices is bes???????????? I don't deal with chronic depression so seeking your doctor advice and keeping him/her updated on your feeling throughout your phases n writing them down in a journal or to us will help☺...Others will ALWAYS have a negative spin on everyrhing ...Making sure this is right for you is the most important thing..Good luck and keep us posted????

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[pammcat 47]

VIOLET....YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH A STRICT REGIMENT TO GET WHERE YOU ARE...I NEED TO LOOSE 100...HARD AS I TRY MY MIND BODY AND SOUL CAN NO LONGER DO IT ALONE..I NEEDED THIS HELP....AND THATS OK THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH NEEDING THIS HELP..

MY FAMILY ALWAYS BACKED ME UP....IF YOU ARE FEELING LIKE YOU COULDNT LOOSE THAT MUCH WEIGHT ALONE YOU ARE NOT ALONE MANY OF US ARE WHERE YOU ARE...SO DO WHAT YOUR SOUL IS TELLING YOU..

I AM ONLY 11 DAYS POST OP 20 LBS DOWN SINCE liquid FAST AND FEEL A HELL OF A LOT BETTER..I CANT IMAGINE WHAT I WILL.FEEL LIKE AT SAY 60 LBS DOWN...THIS IS A LIFE CHANGING OFFER OF HELP...I GLADLY TOOK IT AND RAN....BEDT OF LUCK TO YOU

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[trekker954 421]

Violet, my first insurance approval was Jan 2016, and let's just say I allowed a few bumps in the process as well as my adult children give me an excuse to not go through with the selected date. My children and I are close, many of our activities and vacations center around eating out, wine tours, world travel and cruising so they believed we would no longer have fun.

I endured six months of kicking myself in the a** knowing that was my last chance at a healthy life. Again, my knees were hurting, I couldn't keep up. Traveling on planes, I was probably going to soon ask for seat belt extenders. Enough already. I called my surgeon back. They would need to reapply for insurance and with me on the phone, BCBS had 4 questions I had to answer correctly which thankfully I did. Surgery was scheduled for august.

My kids are very supportive since I've lost significant weight. They have changed THEIR view. My daughter and I have attended two weddings, gone to Vegas, New York city, gone on a cruise, and leave for European Xmas market vacation Wednesday with my three kids.

Follow your dream, be very strong, FOLLOW your surgeons plan to the letter to avoid complications (you don't need I told you so).

I'm sorry I put mine off eight months but for me this has been a miracle. Glad I wasn't talked out of it.

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[Butterflywarrior 241]

Your story is powerful and relatable to me... I got lots of resistance from friends and at first from my mom but in the end it was about me and what I know about myself

I did start seeing a psychologist twice a week for my eating and other emotional issues including PTSD and bipolar which was recently dx after over 10 years of a mislabel of major depressive disorder

The one thing that concerns me is tge type of surgery your getting.... I was originally going to get RNY but got cold feet, ended up psych hospital and many other health flare ups. My BMI was 52 so rny fit however when my surgeon saw me again a number of months latter, he was vety reluctant to do rny due to the realization that my depression issues are severe and I need so much meds to manage multiple medical and psych conditions. He totally said gastric sleeve was best because the RNY malabsorption can really screw up your maintenance medications and is more complex them sleeve in terms of care. My psychiatrist also shared with me that he has a really hard time adjusting medications in his bypass patients

So, I'm not sure why your surgeon hasn't brought this up...maybe he doesn't realize that you have clinical depression...I told my surgeon originally but he still didn't get it until he saw my record in the computer system around a year latter, he got to see the extent of my medical and psych issues and I had been cleared by their psychologist too!!

So I'm just being super candid, vulnerable and open sharing my sensitive history with you bc it concerns me a lot

My surgeon acknowledged that RNY was ideal for my BMI but not for my mefical/psych history

He also asked for a letter from my mental health ppl about my readiness for weight loss surgery. I'm really glad he was through in the end and my mom felt better and supported me too.

My therapist knew I read, researched and was more then ready and I have his support along the journey

I think your sister and mom have genuine concerns even though loosing weight tge " regular" way is not research supported for really overweight people but you do need to be emotionally prepared for it.

Good fortune

[Butterflywarrior 241]

Oh yeh, I should add, I'm 25 lbs down 3.5 weeks post op from sleeve... off of 3/4 diabetes meds, have lots of energy, feel happier then I have in ages and highly motivated...no real complications...still learning my way around!!!

[2ndSpring 350]

Hi Violet,

Bravo to you for having the courage to take this step. I'm only 8 weeks out (gastric sleeve) but so far it feels like the best decision I ever made.

The period from when you are prepping for surgery through your weight loss phase is a great time for self reflection. Being open and honest with ourselves (but not critical) about our behaviors is the key to changing them. If Mom and Sis are saying these things with love, then perhaps there is a kernel of truth to parts of it. That doesn't mean they are right about WLS, just that you may want to dig through what they are saying and pick out the parts that you can work on to make your journey successful.

Best of luck, and we are all here for you.

[Dr-Patient 830]

More later, but don't let naysayers block you from making yourself better, healthy and happier. HAPPY!!

Carrying excess weight weighs down one's spirit, heart, social life, self-confidence, etc.

Q: Your weight says '230'; have you thought of the vertical sleeve? Just asking.

Do YOU.

Edited November 20, 2016 by Dr-Patient

[nickisleeve 127]

I'm getting cold feet as well but I think it's from nerves. We are about to have a serious surgery here. Once it's done there's no going back. So this may be the biggest decision of our lives. But this is also why I decided to keep the surgery a secret. Family and friends have a way of imposing their fears onto us. I only told a friend that had the procedure done about 3 yrs ago. I pray that you have peace of mind so that you can make the best decision for YOU.

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Edited November 20, 2016 by nickisleeve

[Vinasu 621]

My mom and sister were both vehemently opposed. Mom had a employee who had surgery and ended up anemic. Sister, well, she's a nurse and I think she likes making health-care decisions for everyone. Neither one of them have had to deal with obesity like I have. My sister had always been tall and thin. When we were kids I actually had people ask me, "Don't you wish you looked like your sister?" So they never experienced the mental and physical issues I have dealt with daily as a fat person.

My sister didn't speak to me for three months after surgery. She was livid. Eventually, she thawed. She still gets angry if I ever bring up surgery, so I don't.

I feel better and more self- confident than ever. This is one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

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[Steven1954 89]

All the thin people think all we have to do is eat less. Unfortunately losing weight is not that easy. As an adult you have to make the best decision you can with the information you have. For me it was the adjustable gastric lapband and eight years later the RNY. Still down 120 pounds

[Siyaa Ela 59]

+

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[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@Vagrant Violet,

If your mother and sister are obese or even chubby, they probably have a vested interest in keeping you right there with them. No matter their love for you, it's common for people to fear either being left in the dust or having a slim person standing close by so that their own weight is more obvious. Some are aware of what underlies their objections to surgery, some aren't.

@@Steven1954, not only the thin people.

Edited November 20, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[Odie 249]

I've suffered from severe depression since I was 15 years old. I was "normal" weight until I hit 50 and a succession of events contributed to a lot of weight gain. I had RNY and it has not affected my medication at all. Did surgery "cure" my depression? Not at all!! But I am at least physically healthier and can get around better!! One less thing I have to worry about!! My diabetes is gone, my high blood pressure is normal and they fixed my hernia. Don't let anyone tell you what you should do!! Only my son and one sister knows I had the surgery for the very reason that I didn't want the judgement or listen to the negativity!! Good luck!! To thine own self be true!!