So um...

[KeepCalm 223]

I've never been good about being on a date. I'm deaf/hard of hearing and it makes social interaction difficult sometimes. Especially if the person I'm with doesn't really understand how to act (normal btw). I'm kinda socially inept, I guess you could say.

Point of this - I've been asked to go out for a beer with this older gentleman (he owns the used tire shop across the street from my house) I've never been out with someone just as friends unless they are family. Roommate and I don't go out socially ever - mostly because he's to afraid someone will think we're together.

I don't know how to act. I have the tendency to be too nice and some guys think I'm interested in them (and yes, I know that sounds conceited, but true) I've had way to many guys get mad at me after they figure out I'm not into them at all...

I need advice on how to just go out and have a beer or two and not feel like I'm misleading anyone because I'm not interested in this gentleman. He's older than me by about 20 years probably, and because of past history - I don't do the older guy thing. I just... don't know how to interact with ppl I don't know.

Yes, I do it alright on here - because I can read my words and 'hear' aka read y'alls - so I don't miss out on what your saying. This is already making me edgy and he hasn't even called to see if I wanna go get a beer or not yet.

I can't even talk about this with my mom because she just goes Well then your going to be alone the rest of your life. cause she gets mad because what she did/does isn't good enough for me.

I tend to like guys that are younger then me or my age group (sometimes) anyone to much older then I - I tend to treat them like a father figure if that makes sense. even if they are only 10 - 15 years older.

[RILEYSMOM22 344]

First off, don't let him pay for your beer. He may insist, but if he pays, it screams "date".

[highfunctioningfatman 2,675]

The problem is that you called it a date in your first sentence. If it isn't then don't dress up or doll up in any way. No date, no worries.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

Raenh, I don't really know the answer to your puzzle. It seems to me that, if you've had enough conversation with this man to think he's at least a nice person, there's no reason not to challenge yourself and maybe even enjoy yourself (what a concept!) over a beer with him. If it hadn't occurred to you that he seems nice and you still have no basis to think so, skip it. The idea is to get a little more socializing under your belt.

The part about being nice to someone and having him end up thinking you have some romantic interest is a trap we're all -- men and women -- subject to. Of course we're nice to people we're socializing with, but being nice and flirting are two different animals. It's unfortunate that it's sometimes difficult to know the difference. The best solution I can come up with is ... none. There's always the risk that someone will be disappointed.

I see no problem letting him pay for one beer. It's only a few dollars. If you're enjoying the time with him enough to stay for a second, tell him you'll cover the round. If he insists, remind him that friends reciprocate. If he still insists, let him pay. The tab still isn't high enough to fuss over. Should you think, "hey, he's a good guy," and would get together for a friendly beer or something again, announce in advance that next time is on you. Then just see how the whole thing plays out.

If you really are a little socially inept, so be it. Few people can say they've never been awkward. On the subject of social ineptitude, your roommate sounds like a champ. If you think you don't know how to spend time with a man as friends, consider that he can't even spend friend time with you in public! Whatever you do, don't take lessons from him.

It'll be cool if more of the men around here give their views.

[suzzzzz 1,005]

If / when he actually sets something up with a time and place to meet, don't over think it. If you decide to go, then go with the expectation of just getting out and having fun. If he is interested in more and you are not, he will get over it. It is not your job to caretake an adult man's feelings.

It is just a beer. That is all.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@ - Your hearing is going to make it more difficult to pick up important social cues. I suffer from a mild form of autism that really makes it hard to read other. Well it did until I really started to study it. And it really took me years to break all the subtle codes, but once I did, it opened many doors.

So how do you learn? Start with books (try "The Like Switch" by Jack Schafer). This will make you more aware of your signals and those of others.

Then I really started watching good movies. I didn't just watch them for the story, but good actors send very clear but subtle signals. The little gestures, how they touch their hair etc. and the response from the other actor will give you more clues. Then put away the cell phone and watch people in Starbucks, try to guess what the relationship is between people.

As you do this, your confidence will grow over time. I'll tell you a little secret, I developed a social phobia for no good reason in my late 30's. I used to be able to give speeches to thousands, and for some dang reason I was breaking into a sweat leading a prayer at church. So I got out of my comfort zone and joined Toastmasters. It worked. After a few months of supportive practice I was back in my old form. I now teach part time as part of my job. I know that might be a real stretch for you, but it is the cheapest therapy you might be able to find. The people are great and most of the presentations are interesting.

This may seem like very strange dating advise, but as Einstein said, "solutions very rarely show up at the level that the problem presents itself."

[sammy246 235]

There is nothing wrong with getting a beer with someone, and nothing wrong with us in this as practice. If you're not into him romantically, tell him up front and be honest that it's platonic. And please remember... You do not owe anyone anything. Don't ever let someone guilt you into anything because they bought you a beer/meal/etc.

Good luck, relax, have fun, and give yourself some credit

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[KeepCalm 223]

@@WLSResources/ClothingExch The reason I say he is a nice gentleman is because of my interaction with him having my tires changed, inspection done, ect. He's always been polite and tried to help out if I was short of cash or something. I don't know anything personal about him...

@@OKCPirate I'll check into those books - I don't watch much tv anymore because I get frustrated with CC being off what their lips are saying, so I can't really watch the show and am spending so much time time trying to read the CC on the TV that I miss out on a lot of other cues. Maybe that's what happens in RL too... I'm so concentrated on paying attention and reading lips that I miss other things and when I do see them, they confuse me.

The few shows I do watch the dialog is actually at a decent volume that I don't really need CC all the time for them. I'll try to pay attention more to the actors on those shows... and what is Toastmasters?

going out more socially, even by myself would probably help a lot... I usually go out with my sisters. I depend on them to much to help me, and I want to break that habit. It's hard though, lol, cause THEY are so used to doing it, I tend to upset them if I try to get them to let me do it on my own.

@everyone else,

I did tell him when he asked that it would be just a beer, I wasn't looking to go on a date or anything. I'm just so bad when it comes to small talk, I get nervous because I'm afraid I won't hear something, and sometimes I make the other person nervous or think I'm into them, if I'm paying to much attention to them so that I make sure I DO hear them aka see what they are saying...

one of the many reasons my roommate and I get into arguments - mixed signals, he reads to much into my facial expressions, which are very open, and/or I don't hear him and he gets on my case about me not listening *sighs*

I guess I'll just wait and see... I miss gaming, lol... online gaming dating was so much easier than RL. I didn't have to hear them, just read what they were saying.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@Raenh https://www.toastmasters.org/

In short Toastmasters is a club to help people become better speakers and leaders. It is a highly supportive environment to practice giving impromptu and prepared speeches. In most cities there are many chapters and various meeting times. If you don't like the vibe at one chapter, try another. It is a nice combination of a self help and support. They do have good materials to help teach you to give better presentations, but for your purposes, just getting more comfortable speaking in supportive environment might be helpful.

We did have one member with serious hearing issues, and everyone was very supportive. I appreciated his guts in pushing his limits. And it is much cheaper than getting professional help and might be better because it is in the real world. Just my $.02. Good luck. You are losing weight which will improve your confidence, this might send you in another positive direction.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

going out more socially, even by myself would probably help a lot... I usually go out with my sisters. I depend on them to much to help me, and I want to break that habit. It's hard though, lol, cause THEY are so used to doing it, I tend to upset them if I try to get them to let me do it on my own.

@everyone else,

I did tell him when he asked that it would be just a beer, I wasn't looking to go on a date or anything. I'm just so bad when it comes to small talk, I get nervous because I'm afraid I won't hear something, and sometimes I make the other person nervous or think I'm into them, if I'm paying to much attention to them so that I make sure I DO hear them aka see what they are saying...

one of the many reasons my roommate and I get into arguments - mixed signals, he reads to much into my facial expressions, which are very open, and/or I don't hear him and he gets on my case about me not listening *sighs*

There's nothing like a little 'smother love' from sisters and others who love us.

It seems that you hesitate to let people know what you need so that you can get the most from communicating with them. Don't shortchange yourself that way. A friend who is deaf and has implants lets the people she's with know what she needs. "You sit here, you sit there. You -- look up at me so that the sound comes this way and I can do some lipreading when necessary [if in a noisy place, for example]. When she misses a remark, she asks for a repeat. Sure, some places are too noisy, so there's little to be done. At those times, she lets the others enjoy the conversation and she entertains herself with people-watching. When she goes out with anyone (date or otherwise) for the first few times, she's specific about places that aren't especially loud. By making her status known, she's very much a part of the company and the others get to enjoy her all the more.

Your roommate has issues, but that's a different topic.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

I've known of Toastmasters for decades, but was never clear on its exact purpose. It sounds like a great organization for socializing, doing fun things even if they may be nervous-making and for gaining confidence and challenging one's self.

If it strikes a chord with anyone, performers, especially comedians, often talk about being shy from childhood into adulthood. Getting up on stage is a way of connecting with people and shouting "Look at me!"

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I've known of Toastmasters for decades, but was never clear on its exact purpose. It sounds like a great organization for socializing, doing fun things even if they may be nervous-making and for gaining confidence and challenging one's self.

If it strikes a chord with anyone, performers, especially comedians, often talk about being shy from childhood into adulthood. Getting up on stage is a way of connecting with people and shouting "Look at me!"

I echo the recommendation for Toastmasters. It is a great way to improve communication skills and also meet some interesting people.