Dating & Sexy times when they don't know you've had surgery/significant weight loss

[♥dreamable 189]

Brief history: I have been single for 4 years. I am 1 year out from my surgery. I am still a bit away from my goal- but have lost a significant amount of weight at this point. I just started dating.

While my confidence is really high when I am in clothes (the right undergarments make everything look so nice and make me look so much smaller when I wear them haha) I am really scared about when/if things progress and clothes are being removed. The last date I was on his hands were touching over my clothes and I'm pretty sure he could feel that I had something on that went halfway up my back.

Anyway- he doesn't know about my surgery yet- and it's not something I feel I need to discuss on the first or second date (just my personal preference).

One of my really good male friends a few years ago made a comment once about how to slept with a women and he didn't know she had surgery until they were naked and he said it really turned him off and bothered him that she didn't tell him ahead. Is he just a jerk or should I expect a similar reaction if I don't say something first?

Help!?!?!?! lol

[sc101071 398]

I don't think you need to tell them that you have had surgery. If you are worried about what reaction you might receive, you may just tell them that you have lost a large amount of weight a heads up on what to expect. Some may have a problem, others will not.

[FunkyMunkyBrat 205]

Well, hopefully by the time you feel comfy enough to get down n dirty with someone you feel comfy enough to talk about your weight loss n how you're a lil insecure about being naked in front of someone..

Munky

[angela9298 15]

I agree with Munky! But I do get what you're saying. I'm not at that point yet, I think I'll probably say something ahead of time just because I would be freaking out about what they would think haha It's hard to tell what someone's reaction is going to be, but I wouldn't want to be with someone that couldn't accept some loose skin anyway!

[kathy Garibay 11]

If you can't tell him you've had surgery, ,than I would think twice on having sex ..

Sent from my SM-G386T1 using the BariatricPal App

[elliekay 189]

I just started seeing someone new... first date was about a month post op, we decided to become "official" last week (a bit over 2 months). I told him I had a surgery and that I've lost a large amount of weight, but I didn't tell him it was WLS and I feel a bit guilty about it. I told him I had laparoscopic anti-reflux surgery instead, which isn't necessarily untrue, because that was part of what my surgeon did while I was cut open... it just wasn't the main surgery I got haha. It works for now because the dietary restrictions are believable and the scars are the same but I'm worried what will happen down the road when I still have dietary restrictions and weigh like 60lbs less and am covered in saggy skin Is it weird I'm more concerned about the skin than the fat? He doesn't seem to mind the fat but who knows about the skin. Anyways, I wish I had been 100% honest about it, I wasn't expecting it to go anywhere when I initially told him about it.

I know it's a bit different, since for me it's still very obvious I am/was fat--but I'd probably tell him if I were you if only for your own peace of mind. The uncertainty is the worst. If he's worth anything he won't mind.

[♥dreamable 189]

Maybe I phrased my question wrong. I am not afraid to tell him about my surgery, but I also don't feel it's appropriate to just throw it out into thin air on one of the first few dates we go on. I will tell him at some point. My question was more how do you know or what/when is the right time to tell someone once you start dating? Do you just throw it out in the open one day? Do you wait for an opportunity to mention it that just feels right? Do you wait until the moment where you know things are going further than the kissing and making out and drop a "oh by the way...." lol

Maybe I phrased my question wrong. I am not afraid to tell him about my surgery, but I also don't feel it's appropriate to just throw it out into thin air on one of the first few dates we go on. I will tell him at some point. My question was more how do you know or what/when is the right time to tell someone once you start dating? Do you just throw it out in the open one day? Do you wait for an opportunity to mention it that just feels right? Do you wait until the moment where you know things are going further than the kissing and making out and drop a "oh by the way...." lol

If you can't tell him you've had surgery, ,than I would think twice on having sex ..

Sent from my SM-G386T1 using the BariatricPal App

[♥dreamable 189]

I agree with Munky! But I do get what you're saying. I'm not at that point yet, I think I'll probably say something ahead of time just because I would be freaking out about what they would think haha It's hard to tell what someone's reaction is going to be, but I wouldn't want to be with someone that couldn't accept some loose skin anyway!

I am pretty sure he isn't going to have a problem with it. It's just more a question of the timing- I'm just not sure when or how to bring it up- dating is sooo complicated

[busybeebug 415]

Personally I wouldn't feel the need to explain myself on how I dropped weight. Basically I'd leave it at I lost a lot of weight. I'm not ashamed of having the surgery. I just don't feel it's necessary to explain away. It's not like it changes who you are or how you function. I am married so I am not in your shoes. This is just my thoughts.

[busybeebug 415]

Ha I just saw your refinement of your question.

[Candygyrl 637]

So I know it's not that simple buuuuut it's not necessary for you to broadcast your past medical and surgical history to every man you meet so... If you meet a guy and you like him great. You go out with him a couple times and you still like him great. He starts coming over to watch movies and things are getting closer hopefully by then you guys have had some getting to know you conversations and if you feel like things are potentially going somewhere then you could tell him. But I wouldn't feel pressured because they are getting a little too physical. Back them up!!! You set the pace for how fast things should go. If I didn't feel comfortable talking to them about something like weight loss surgery then it's probably not time to go "there" yet. That's just me though.

If you guys have gone out to eat, and he NOTICES how little you eat and says things like " but you hardly touched your food" or "why did you eat so little"? You could say I'll explain later... and if whenever you feel the time is right you could explain I've had surgery to help me lose weight. If he wants to know more... "Your stomach has 100% capacity whereas mines only has 20% capacity. I eat less resulting in weight loss." if this leads to a bigger discussion then you can get into all the details if you're comfortable. Otherwise just enjoy getting to know each other if they fall off because they aren't getting into your pants soon enough then keep it pushing.

[♥dreamable 189]

So I know it's not that simple buuuuut it's not necessary for you to broadcast your past medical and surgical history to every man you meet so... If you meet a guy and you like him great. You go out with him a couple times and you still like him great. He starts coming over to watch movies and things are getting closer hopefully by then you guys have had some getting to know you conversations and if you feel like things are potentially going somewhere then you could tell him. But I wouldn't feel pressured because they are getting a little too physical. Back them up!!! You set the pace for how fast things should go. If I didn't feel comfortable talking to them about something like weight loss surgery then it's probably not time to go "there" yet. That's just me though.

If you guys have gone out to eat, and he NOTICES how little you eat and says things like " but you hardly touched your food" or "why did you eat so little"? You could say I'll explain later... and if whenever you feel the time is right you could explain I've had surgery to help me lose weight. If he wants to know more... "Your stomach has 100% capacity whereas mines only has 20% capacity. I eat less resulting in weight loss." if this leads to a bigger discussion then you can get into all the details if you're comfortable. Otherwise just enjoy getting to know each other if they fall off because they aren't getting into your pants soon enough then keep it pushing.

Thank you so much for your great answer. So far he hasn't made any comments about how much (or little lol) I am eating when go out to dinner. Our conversation and dates seem to be focusing on the positive things, like us discussing how we eat (we both eat similar - no carbs/lots of protein) and going to the gym and what we do and our dates tend to end up being loooong walks- which has been amazing.

I am still amazed how much doing this has changed my life for the better. I wish I had done my surgery years ago