Does it make me a horrible wife

[QueenOfTheTamazons 634]

It might be good to remind him that after surgery healing is promoted by doing as much as you can for yourself, past the activity restrictions like lifting, housework, etc. His seeing you being self-sufficient now will be a good preview of what you expect from him in his turn. Be vocal about why you are doing it yourself, to promote buy-in and understanding of how it will have to be for him. Then you will show your support for him later by celebrating openly everything he does for himself, because that is the best support in this situation.

If he's a baby about surgery, then what he's doing is what he would want YOU to do, for him. That's basic "love languages" stuff. You aren't the kind of person who needs that stuff, and it probably irritates the crap out of you when he's a giant baby about things that you handle perfectly fine.

I'm the same way. My wife is a bad patient, and she doesn't deal with pain well at all. I get irritated when she doesn't do what she's supposed to do, and my perception is that she's struggling with stuff I would not find difficult. And the answer is always, "You don't know how I'm feeling!" And that's the rub. I don't. Just because one person has a high tolerance for something, that isn't going to be equal across the board for everyone. Some people bounce back quickly. Others take a long time, complaining about it the whole way. Some are good patients, some are not. Everyone is different. So I finally realized that when she describes something as excruciating, it really doesn't matter how I would perceive it...to HER, it's excruciating. So I try to be sympathetic.

I'd suggest you just consider that, when thinking about your husband - especially if he gets a procedure done and is a "baby" in recovery. Because to us, it's simple...but to them, not so much. But that's why he's doting on you...because that's how he'd want to be treated, and that's how he shows his care and love.

These are the two best replies I've seen! Spot on, IMO. Also, is your husband anxious or obsessive. Mine is. For him, taking care of someone is his was of dealing with that anxiety. That is another possibility.

Oh, and as for the other guy who called you Debbie Downer, I think he might be projecting. I didn't get the impression you were downing your hubs for being lazy as much as making a general observation. Like he would normally NOT offer to get you a drink or whatever and would be the kind to ask you to get him one. I didn't AT ALL take your comments as intending to insult your hubs.

You are spot on. Things he said to me a couple of days ago made it clear that he was reacting to anxiety from not being with me during the surgery.

So was the remark about general laziness, like asking me to get him a soda rather than get it himself.

HW 385 SW 359 Sleeved 10/5/16

[cbonet 336]

It's lovely you have someone who loves you wanting to be by your side, in sickness and in health. Maybe when you see he's about to do something for you suggest you do it together.

Edited October 13, 2016 by cbonet

[LisaMergs 2,857]

Be honest. Tell him during a time when you don't need anything that you appreciate all his help and offerings, but for now you're doing fine, and will let him know if you require assistance.

We should all be so lucky.

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