Bless me bandsters, for I have sinned

[sleepyjean 0]

I have strayed from the Way of the Band, and I am sore afraid.

Reader's Digest Version:

1.) I've had major work-related stress over the past month and half, ergo, I eat (like a trucker)

2.) I spent about two weeks blaming it on PMS and eating M&Ms by the bagful. Then I spent another two weeks blaming it on POST-MS and eating more M&Ms. And Nachos. Twice! (make that a FEMALE trucker)

3.) I need a fill, which is thus far taking over a week to schedule and I don't understand why. I have a referral from my PCP, but they won't even let me SCHEDULE the blasted appointment.

4.) Even when I get the fill scheduled, it will be several weeks out. At least two or three.

5.) Therefore, I am also stressing over that, and now eating like TWO girl truckers.

6.) I'm beyond mortified, embarrassed and ashamed to come back here, knowing that I'm not following the rules. I'm eating too much. I'm eating the wrong things. I'm not exercising (In my defense, it's been over 100 degrees here every day for over a week and I have no A/C), I'm eating too much. I've gained 5-10 pounds (I'm guessing), I'm eating too much, I'm not drinking Water, and oh yeah - I'm eating too much.

Did I mention that I'm eating too much? What the HELL is wrong with me?

I am SO disappointed in myself. I've been banded for over a year. I've been working with a shrink for over a year to develop non-food coping mechanisms. Yet here I am, right back where I started, apparantly having learned NOTHING. I am dealing with the client and project from hell at work and it's really getting to me. I'm stressed, angry and/or depressed pretty much all the time. I'm not sleeping at all. And instead of handling it the right way, I find myself at the grocery store again, almost without even thinking about it. It is truly frightening just how easy it was to fall back into the "Absolutely everything is awful so I shall comfort myself with food" mindset. I went to an Obesity Help convention a couple of weekends ago, looking for inspiration, and it was SO lame. No help there.

At this point, the idea of even going back for the fill and getting weighed beforehand is just humiliating. Pardon my French, but I feel like such a g-d failure right now. I only have 25-30 pounds to go. Why am I screwing this up so badly?

Help me bandsters. I am in desperate need of counsel, forgiveness, tough love and/or heavy sedation.

[musicalmomma 1]

(((((HUGS))))) First, you don't need our forgiveness. You should however, forgive yourself.

I'm sure you've heard it all..."just dust yourself off and start over"..."don't beat yourself up, this is just one month out of many"..."just make up your mind and do it"...yadda yadda yadda...

Heck, you've probably been telling yourself this for weeks.

Maybe just posting it all and getting it all out there...your feelings of failure...your depression...your stress...perhaps this will help you get refocused. You have done SO well and 5-10 pounds back is NOT the end of the world. You are recognizing it early. You are addressing it by following up for a fill. You are taking control. Give yourself some credit for that.

On another note...perhaps some anxiety or depression meds are needed (or need to be adjusted). I see you are in therapy, but didn't mention if you're also on a med regimin. Sometimes we need meds and sometimes those meds need adjusting. If you're depressed to the point is affecting your sleep and anxious to the point it's affecting your job...then it's worth considering.

Hang in there sister! You've made remarkable progress and lost a lot of weight. Don't let that 5-10 pound indescretion define you. You can and will work it out

[short1 2]

Sleepyjean,

First stop beating yourself up. You are making yourself crazy. Do a self inventory and try to figure out what is triggering the eating. Get out your book and read it over and over. Drink, drink, and drink Water. Call your dietician, take a walk, get a massage. It is not too late to start over. Good luck to you.

JP

[soccerdad 0]

I feel your pain, Sleepyjean. I've been banded since June 18 and have only lost 14 lbs. It's my fault too. I recognize it and I agree with musicalmomma :violin:that just posting is the first step. My learning curve on a new lifestyle is taking longer than I anticipated. An acquaintance of mine was banded about a 45 days before me has lost about 40 lbs. I'm embarased :embarassed: about my situation when I see him.

But this post is not about me! You will get back on the band wagon. Everyone "sins" in the weightloss process. Just don't beat yourself up and get over it. Go for a walk, take a drive (I like to drive around the local lake and sit by the Water to think and meditate), do something to break the routine of sitting around the house with nothing to do but graze. Firt of all take musicalmomma's :violin:advice and forgive yourself. If you are religious, use your faith and God's love to move forward. Just do something different!

I'll pray for you.:pray:

[Betsyjane 2]

I applaud you for fessing up.

Remember this. You are human and not perfect. It is totally normal to fall off the wagon. Alcoholics do it and so do other addicts. Sometimes an alcoholics's goal is just to fall off less often and for less time.

It's also normal for old behaviors to crop up for us humans and try to reestablish dominance before they are gone forever.

It's also possible that your pouch is a bit stetched...been there.

Whenever you feel like you have gathered your energy to try again, take a deep breath, go on liquids for a day or so to settle yourself back in, keep a food journal for a couple of days, go to support group, and move forward. You know how to do it or you wouldn't have lost all that weight. It may be that you aren't ready to get going again until your next fill, but whenever it is, you'll do it.

This human being stuff is hard, isn't it?

Maybe you can get your fill moved up if you tell thyem you think you might have stretched your pouch or might have a leak and are eating way too much.

You'll succeed in your time.

[Betsyjane 2]

And soccerdad.....you may not be restricted yet. Don't kick yourself. It took me 3 fills before they hit my sweet spot. I was banded mid November and wasn't restricted until the end of January. Keep the faith.

[JosieK 120]

hi sleepyjean,

i've had 2 "tailspins" since i was banded (and 4 million before banding) so i know how you feel (most of us probably do)

first...stop thinking "you should know better" . i consider my eating issues to be similar to an alcohol problem. we have to deal with this on a daily basis. my knowledge never helped me in the past...and may have hindered me.

when i am in the tailspin....i can only deal with today. we cant worry about tomorrow or the past (i belong to a 12 step program where they day "just for today" which is a manageable concept)

maybe layout a few small steps......JUST FOR TODAY. i find i want to go full out the first day and i cant do it and i will end up eating junk.

some could be:

-drink 4 glasses of Water.

-join a gym (if you dont have one) if you do....just go and even if you just get dressed check in and do 10 sit ups and leave.....you've taken a great step.

-first day i usually try to just not have sugar (my downfall). the next day i worry about cleaning up my meals.

-journal on fitday or sparkpeople.

jean..keep us posted on how you are doing but by all means....dont beat yourself up....

[TerriDoodle 6]

May I recommend a book to you? It's called [ame=http://www.amazon.com/This-Year-Will-Finally-Resolution/dp/0767920082/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-8701536-0993439?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189085078&sr=8-1]This Year I Will...[/ame] by MJ Ryan. It may help you to understand more about why you do the things you do and how to change the things you want to change. It's really very, very good.

You're so not alone!