Intense Desperation and Fear

[JAM72 16]

@@gowalking - Thank you for your reassuring words. I have to admit that part of why I chose the sleeve was because if I fail yet again, there is still one more option available to me (revision to RNY). I need to keep a positive mindset - I'm working on it. Hearing that this is normal and other people feel the same fears is helps me beat back the doubt that creeps into my thoughts. Thank you!

[roger star 2]

I Chose RNY because I was self pay. Thought I'm going all in! I do not regret it. My husband thought I was a little crazy, Only my children know that I've made this trip and had the surgery and returned. My daughter had a baby the 19th my surgery was the 22nd. My extended family assume I was spending time with the new baby. I know they would have tried to talk me out of it.

[butterfly23 423]

@@JMill 72 I just saw your post and can really relate, especially to the part about feeling successful in most or all other aspects of life, but the inability to lose weight somehow invalidated all my other strengths, hence my anxiety that if WLS doesn't help, I'm an utter failure.

Sounds like you already are trusting the process, which for me was so important to not focus on the goal and outcome (but to have them, yet focus on the process instead). Like you said, focus on what you can control.

Since this is not a diet but a way of life, how we get there is more important as we need to do it for the rest of our lives, not just immediately before and after WLS.

I say the serenity prayer many times a day just for that reason:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Your surgery will be here before you know it, best of luck but seems like you have a healthy perspective!

[Teagrrl 5]

I'm crying reading this thread because I've been so scared to do this (I've just begun the journey and am scheduling initial consults still) for all the same reasons.

The more I read and hear people's stories, it seems like there's a real chance this could work. Honestly I think that scares me even more! I've never *not* been heavy. My weight has defined me for so long, I can't really picture what life would be like if I actually succeeded. I don't really care about a goal weight but the prospect of being able to buy "normal" clothes, tie my shoes without passing out or ride a flippin' rollercoaster is kinda mind boggling.

I also wonder if being successful in other area of my life has actually made starting this journey even harder. As in, I've been able to accomplish so much, why can't I tackle the weight? I'm smart and I know how to lose weight, why can't I do this on my own? Like I'm not ready to admit that I need help. It sounds funny but I think my ego gets in my way.

What has finally spurred me into action is my knees. I have severe arthritis (which I knew for years but never went to the dr. because I figured why bother- I'm fat so it is what it is) When I finally did and he gave me a cortisone shot, it was a hallelujah moment. For a brief period of time I actually felt good! And that was the catalyst. I want to feel like that every day- to be able to walk without a limp. To actually feel like walking into the store instead of searching out drive-thrus. To lose this 200lb gorilla on my back for once and for all that makes me feel like crap and won't let me have any fun.

Sorry, didn't mean to make this all about me, but your post got to me and I agree with previous posters- you seem to have a great perspective. You have made a decision that will change your life in many ways. It would be weird not to be anxious and scared!

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[JAM72 16]

@@Teagrrl - you are just like me! I have been working with my counselor on this over the last few weeks. What is helping me a little right now is reading about weight loss studies. The results are grim; only a small percentage of people are able to lose weight without surgery and keep it off for any length of time. This does two things for me:

1) it is helping me change my negative thoughts about myself. There are LOTS of people in my shoes who also can't lose weight on their own. And it's not because of a lack of willpower or that we don't know how to diet or because there is something wrong with our character. Our bodies are complex and, for reasons we don't understand yet, are incredibly resistant to weight loss.

2) it is reinforcing that I am making the right decision. I really, honestly want to solve this issue, and surgery is the smartest option. For me.

I am scared. So scared I will fail. But I have to try. So that's where I'm at today.

I'd love to hear about your journey as you go through your initial consults. Good luck!

Edited October 16, 2016 by JMill 72

[FunkyMunkyBrat 205]

I haven't had my surgery yet, but I've had some of those, am I going to be able to do it thoughts. Then I think, use my stubbornness.. I quit smoking cold turkey back in February because I want this.. So, I'm using the same determination now to follow this pre surgery diet I began a week ago.. I cheated.. I ate some spaghetti squash! Lmao.. That cracks me up.. Cuz I'm wrapping my head around these changes and now cheating to me is.. Eating squash!.. Sounds like you're a pretty determined strong person.. Look at it like a career you're going after you got this

Munky

[JAM72 16]

@@butterfly23 - thank you for your reply and for sharing your perspective! I've read many of your other posts on this site and am really inspired by your journey and success.

I know the serenity prayer well (from my mom, who struggled with alcoholism). I haven't thought of it for a long time, but it's so appropriate. Thank you for the reminder!

[dianemar 45]

It is hard to express the changes that has happened since my surgery, first, to be able to move so much more freely and pain free as well. Second, not to be driven by insane hunger. Third, to see light at the end of the tunnel, knowing the weight will come off as I go forwards step by step. Forth, knowing with each pound I lose, I add to my life expectancy, being more interactive with my children, grandchildren, and they will have memories of me doing things with them, not sitting on the sidelines. I commend your for facing your anxieties, that courage you already have will propel you towards these new challenges and you will succeed with flying colors.

[MamaSill 12]

@@JMill 72 - Thank you for your original post here. You articulated exactly what I was feeling but had not put into words yet. I too suffer from GAD which is part of the issue. We have to change the negative rhetoric we allow in our brains! In my research over the last year I have found lots to fret about. I think I am going to spend some time just looking at the positive stuff out there about bariatric surgery! Thanks everyone for your responses- I feel inspired!

Edited October 20, 2016 by MamaSill