Band Sabateurs

[DeLarla 22]

We sat down a few times and had "nice" talks. She always feels bad and promises not to tempt me. I'm not the best bandster because I splurge quite a bit. As long as I'm not uncomfortable from eating too much, then I'm happy with my band. Restaurants, Desserts laying around and candy dishes don't bother me. I'm talking about food being marched right into my office! She stands in my doorway holding Cookies, chips, soda, and while eating asks, "want to to to Baskin Robins?" Or she calls my line to tell me she has chocolate or Cheetos at her desk if I want any. Yes, I'm sure she's very unhappy, but how selfish to push that off on me or anyone else! I'm still 100 pounds overweight by some statistics, so I laugh when I think someone sees me as a threat because that seems ridiculous. I fight my own battles and won't bring anything up to the boss. I'm gonna kill her with silence. One more mention of food and my door gets closed, then the boss will ask "why is your door always closed?" And I'll tell him. Let him figure it out.

[DeLarla 22]

The sad part is that she really is very sad in her own skin. But this is borderline harrassment. If we we were talking about alcohol, cocaine, or even cigarettes, the world would stop spinning! I don't see any difference. I'm so glad I can sit here screaming at my computer! Thanks everyone for jumping in!

[DeLarla 22]

I'm going to win this fight. She's getting a double-whammy. For every time she mentions food, I'm going to do 10 Jumping Jacks in front of her then drink an extra glass of Water while looking her right in the eye! Don't mess with me! Bring it on!

[leatha_g 4]

lol. you go girl! I need to find that resolve somewhere, myself.

[Zoe 6]

I have to admit I feel sorry for Erin, obnoxious though she may be. She might be very self-conscious about her food addiction, and maybe she thinks that having an accomplice (willing or not) will both draw less attention to herself and make eating an acceptable social occasion rather than a round-the-clock obsession.

Are you planning on taking any days off this month? It might be interesting to have another co-worker monitor Erin's food habits when you aren't there.

I'll make a little wager with you: What do you want to bet Erin tells her husband/partner/friends, "There's this woman Lisa who likes to eat the same kind of stuff that I do, so we're always going out for food"?

I imagine that Erin is not consciously trying to sabotage you. Maybe she's not even unconsciously trying, just because she doesn't get it. My unsolicited advice is to take her aside -- maybe while you're out getting salads! -- and tell her yet again that you have taken a big step toward getting a healthier body, that you've lost almost 70 pounds, and that while you love food you're not going to let it stand between you and your goal. You could even say that you respect her decision to eat whatever she wants, because it's her body, but that you are not going to make the same choices. Maybe you can have a truce: You won't ask her to go on walks, eat healthily, and keep her junk food at home, as long as she agrees not to bring you high-calorie Snacks or ask you to run out for fast food.

Good luck. This can't be easy. And the holidays are a perfect excuse for anyone, not just foodies, to bring yummy fattening stuff into the office, so this is the hardest time of year to eat well at work.

[La_madam 20]

LOL Lisa that is good!

I would love to see the look on her face thefirst time you do it and I wonder how often she will come at you with food after you do it once..

[whippledaddy 5]

Michelle said "Misery loves Company". And ain't it the truth? And when seeking company sometimes the miserable try to "kill us with kindness". Well, whether it was kindness or cruelty, yer just as dead.

She's struggling. She thought she was drowning in a world of fat and frosting, but at least there was someone there to go down with her. Now you've grabbed a life preserver and she suddenly feels alone. Like a jilted lover she's trying to seduce you back to the dark side with carbs and comfort. And you know what? She's not even conscious that she's doing this. Her denial goes deep. Good denial always does.

To the eating addicted (or obsessed, choose your term) food takes the same place heroin does to a junky. food is how she makes herself better after the world hurts her. Food is how she makes amends when someone is angry at her. It's a Gift of the Magi, in a way. She is, after all, giving you the most important thing in the world, to her.

She doesn't think you'll be her friend any longer now that you are breaking free from the chains of caloric prison. Her self esteem tells her that she isn't very likeable, and her subconscious takes every step to make sure that it is true.

I'm not analyzing her. I'm analyzing me. When my wife first started on her RNY journey I would cook anything she asked, even if I knew it was going to make her go into dumping syndrome. Now I cook whatever she asks, but in the healthiest way possible.

You may have to break it off with your friend. You may have to shun her. But no matter what, you've got to take care of Lisa. This is life and death. And, if you handle it right, you may be able to remove food from the equation of your relationship with her. If she can feel accepted, as she is, without the food issue, then she might be open to hearing how she, too, can be helped like you.

This can be the beginning of a good thing. And I think you're just the little ball of fire to do it!

Lotsa love, and prayers for you, Lisa.

Whip.

[blossom 2]

Yep, Lisa! I think it's time to start avoiding her like the plague! Either consciously or sub-consciously she does not want you to lose weight. As long as she can look at someone larger than herself, she can keep telling herself that her problem is not that bad. But she knows in her heart that the minute you become smaller than her, she will have to face some hard realities. It's important for you to remember that THAT is her problem! You have enough to deal with right now without her issues with food, too. If I were in your shoes, I would likely become a Royal Bitch to her in order to keep her away, but that's just me, LOL! Good luck!

[AudreyZ 0]

After reading what you wrote, I have come to the conclusion that she really equates food with friendship and socializing.

When I was thinner years back, my best friend used to bring Dunkin Donuts munchkins and other junk food over. My other two best friends did the same. I was the one in the group that told them to please stop bringing it over my house, as I didn't want to gain any more weight- at the time I had about 25-30 to lose from my second pregnancy. I was successful maintaining this weight, until I had my tonsils out and another pregnancy after my tonsilectomy (sp). Of course, being tired and sick most of the time, I ate, and ate, and ate.....and here I am. Oh, and I also had a friend who owns a pizza and sub shop- you can imagine the feasts she would bring over, or have at her home for all of us to enjoy. Of course, she brought salad, too, for me.

To this day, my friends are all the same, much heavier than I am. I don't see them as much, as I live further away now. However, I did have a couple of other friends who told me they thought my weight gain was on their shoulders. I said no, it was mine- I really enjoyed their friendship, and at the cost of my health, continued to maintain it, and still do, but at a distance (I don't get to see them as much anymore, live about 2 hours away).

I am the one who should have put my foot down harder and made it more clearer like I did one time- I had my friend bring her boxes of goodies out to the car- and had her take them home with her. She got the hint, and didn't bring anything over for a long time, until an incident in her life happened that caused her to want junk food all the time (her husband was sick, and eventually died from cancer). I didn't have the heart to berate her at that time. However, I told her I wasn't going to eat them, as I wanted to stay healthy and lose weight. Of course, I didn't succeed, but that's on my shoulders, not hers.

What I am saying is, some people really do equate food with socializing. Most of us oldies were brought up that if you visited a family member or friend's house, you brought something to eat with you as a courtesy. Get togethers with family and friends always have food.....birthday parties, retirement parties, weddings, holidays, think about it, it's always about food, and in some cases, drinks (alcohol). So, many times, people like your co-worker don't always realize that they are doing this- it's ingrained in their minds to share their food and friendship. We all know how deadly that can be, but at the same time, these friends can also be a God send to us, too, in other ways. I wouldn't have traded them back then for anything, and I feel that way now. Maybe just saw less of them for my health's sake- we got together daily, sometimes from early in the morning til later in the evenings. We had a lot of great times, too, and when we weren't eating, we were laughing and having the times of our lives, while the kids all played, LOL

I hope your co-worker can eventually see the harm she is causing. Again, it may not be intentional- this may be something she is just so used to doing, she isn't aware of it. Bringing food to your office might be her way of just wanting to say hi, but she uses food as an excuse to drop by. She sounds very lonely to me as well- so food is her vehicle to conversations. Maybe a little one to one chat about this may do her and you the world of good.

[AudreyZ 0]

Oh, and I forgot to say, good for you, for putting your foot down with her. A couple of more times, and she will eventually learn that your friendship isn't all about food, but other things. Is there any way during lunch, that you can make half of your lunch break into an exercise time? Maybe walk around the building, ask her to join you, if she doesn't, get up yourself and do it. It will spare you from having to continue to watch her gorge herself, and meanwhile, you get a few minutes of exercise in the process, and a chance to clear your mind.

[whippledaddy 5]

Funny, but the whole time I was reading this thread the old Rock and Roll tune "The Backstabbers" was going through my head. These folks are true backstabbers, aren't they?

[Zoe 6]

Not having met the notorious Erin, I'm inclined to agree with Audrey, which is why I suggested that she might be asking you and others to join her, to make eating an "acceptable social occasion." food is maybe one of her few pleasures. She's trying to find a way to indulge herself without embarrassment, and maybe she sees food as a way to make new friends, especially if she doesn't think she has much else to offer. In the end, it doesn't matter if she's maliciously sabotaging your success, looking for a partner in crime, or just plain clueless. You've taken the important step (many times, from the sound of it!) of telling her to back off. Let's see what the next two weeks bring.

[ShrinkingViolet 1]

I think I've heard this story before...I swear, there's one in every office!

I think some other people here are right; this is Erin's way of making friends and also wanting someone to "share" in her crime (of eating unhealthily) so she doesn't feel as guilty.

I think the idea of the jumping jacks is funny. I have a couple of other ideas that may or may not be good ones.

Keep healthy things at your desk, like carrot sticks or edamame (my personal fave). When she comes in and offers you her unhealthy garbage, you can say "No I don't like that stuff anymore, but would you like some carrots?"

I agree with the person who suggested inviting her for salads or to healthier places. Maybe if she learns that she can still socialize and have food when that food is healthy, she'll be more receptive.

Next time she says "Do you want to go to Panda Express?" You can say "No, I don't like that greasy food. But I will go with you to Soup and salad Express." Then after a few times of this, everytime she invites you somewhere with bad food, you say no. Then later, walk past her desk with a bag that has the name of some healthy food place on it.

Eventually she should realize that if she wants you to go with her she has to invite you someplace healthy. It works on kids anyway...my son is a squirmer and at Gymnastics class, the teacher doesn't call on him whenever he's not sitting waiting his turn. Then if the teacher sees him behaving, he'll call on him and say "Aaron, since you're sitting so quietly, it's your turn next." Which motivates my son to sit still when it's not his turn.

Of course, this puts the burden of everything on you and it's not fair and it's not fun, but you have much more at stake here.

And...honestly...if you really don't like this woman and don't like going out to eat with her, I'd just say no. Eventually she'll stop asking.

[DeLarla 22]

I decided it's best to go cold-turkey, and I stuck to my guns. Today I left the office at lunch and ran errands. I didn't even announce that I was leaving. Jon (the attorney we work with) is on my side, so he ate in his office. Erin had to eat alone. Boo hoo.

The best way I can describe her is like my 100 pound Lab-Dane. You know how dogs spend their lives sniffing around for food? That's Erin. A couple people have candy dishes, plus there's a "catch all" table in the kitchen that always has goodies, so Erin makes rounds, hitting each spot and stopping by the fridge or the kitchen cupboards. Once she ate my entire can of Pringles without asking cause I keep food in the cupboards instead of packing a daily lunch. And she got into my Havarti cheese and didn't zip it closed, so the edges hardened. She ended up replacing the Pringles, but she didn't even know who they belong to till she asked me.

[Marimaru 7]

I think 'planned' sabotage is much better than the random every day kind.

But anyway... man... I don't know what I would do in a situation like that. I think that not eating around her is definately a step in the right direction. If she questions it you might just say "I don't have the willpower to be around you when food is around". Or something to that effect.

She's got quite a few things to work through though. Denial is first. Then she needs to work through her jealousy of you. I have to think she's jealous that you had the courage to face yourself and do something about your problem. Which would why she would want to sabbotage you.

How stressful... I hope that something gets to her. The idea of having a time and place for food in the office is something to think about, but you don't want everyone else feeling punished...