Vent of frustration

[busybeebug 415]

Okay. I'm just over a week out of surgery. It wasn't a walk in the park like you all know. It isn't something that you walk off. I am also battling some weird lymphnode infection on my neck. I am tired. I am sore. I need rest. Why am I expected to get up and running like normal? I had a good Friday and Saturday. I pushed through some pain and paid for it. My husband makes me feel that still needing help is bothersome. He barely spoke to me today especially when I asked him to grill steaks and heat up a side dish for his and my daughters dinner. When I was napping, he wakes me up asking what I'm doing? He's expecting me to sit for 4 hours tomorrow and run payroll. This isn't just drop numbers in and go. It's complex and I can barely get through writing an email or post. I haven't even looked at work stuff since September 12 and he knows that. The nature of our relationship is that we bicker friendly like. Our pet names for each other is jerk and jerkie. We playfully argue and nit pick but we never get mean. He works long hours and is very type A. I do my best to keep my requests for help down. I hate being dependent on help. My hubby just isn't making this easy. I just need some slack but that is lost on him. We've been through so much together good bad and ugly. We have been very fortunate in many ways. I just thought I'd have a little more understanding. Augh.. thanks for listening. I just don't get it.

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[ANewMe2017 10]

Is your husband overweight busy been? Could it be jealousy? Could he be worried about the new you that will come of this surgery? Or could it be that you didn't require help before so it's an adjustment for him to have to help more? Was he supportive through the pre-op process?

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[Heather I 500]

I was sleeved the same day as you, have 2 toddlers and back to work (from home, sedentary, but technical,) within a week. I had a good recovery, but I daily get waves of total exhaustion and can't lift the kids to dress them, etc. Hubby has had to step up A LOT compared to before.

He's waffling on being helpful and caring and then begrudging/dick-ish, too. I think because we don't have a gaping, bloody wound it doesn't look as extreme!

My husband is slightly overweight (nothing that bothers me, he mentions it,) and diabetic. I think of him as a skinny-fat person (health-wise. I love him and am attracted to him.)

I don't know if there's any insecurities at play, but attribute it to just a little self-centeredness and not being used to having to step up. I'm never sick, work like a dog, and am a 200% energy person under normal circumstances.

Yesterday, I almost passed out, was so tired after doing a couple hours of work early morning before the kids woke up. I had to lay down.

Last night, I crashed at 8:30 after the kids went to bed.

IDK. I don't have advice, but I am really insisting on him helping when he is around, and if we have a dustup, so be it. I need to rest and am already doing WAY more than I probably should be.

Hubby and I are BOTH type A, so I think we both hold ourselves and each other to very high standards.

Maybe it's just the kind of thing that, until he's laid up recovering from something and "gets it," he may not "get it" until then!

Insist on your rest, and good luck.

[busybeebug 415]

He is overweight but athletic. Maybe he is insecure of the upcoming changes. I think he was cautiously optimistic on this whole process because I've always started strong on things then ultimately fail (diet wise) I've had a couple of other surgeries which incapacitated me for days and weeks so this isn't a foreign concept. On needing help, I've done much on my own and only ask for help if I was seriously in need. I'm going to try and talk with him again. Maybe I'm over reacting owever I do notice since surgery he is very different.

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[busybeebug 415]

I was sleeved the same day as you, have 2 toddlers and back to work (from home, sedentary, but technical,) within a week. I had a good recovery, but I daily get waves of total exhaustion and can't lift the kids to dress them, etc. Hubby has had to step up A LOT compared to before.

He's waffling on being helpful and caring and then begrudging/d**k-ish, too. I think because we don't have a gaping, bloody wound it doesn't look as extreme!

My husband is slightly overweight (nothing that bothers me, he mentions it,) and diabetic. I think of him as a skinny-fat person (health-wise. I love him and am attracted to him.)

I don't know if there's any insecurities at play, but attribute it to just a little self-centeredness and not being used to having to step up. I'm never sick, work like a dog, and am a 200% energy person under normal circumstances.

Yesterday, I almost passed out, was so tired after doing a couple hours of work early morning before the kids woke up. I had to lay down.

Last night, I crashed at 8:30 after the kids went to bed.

IDK. I don't have advice, but I am really insisting on him helping when he is around, and if we have a dustup, so be it. I need to rest and am already doing WAY more than I probably should be.

Hubby and I are BOTH type A, so I think we both hold ourselves and each other to very high standards.

Maybe it's just the kind of thing that, until he's laid up recovering from something and "gets it," he may not "get it" until then!

Insist on your rest, and good luck.

Thank you I appreciate you sharing your situation. Its a big change for everyone. I hope you get your rest and,keep healing smoothly! Drink up my friend

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[Heather I 500]

@@busybeebug, but has HE ever had surgery, needing TLC?

You've had surgeries and muddled along, but has he experienced being out of commission? Sometimes people are just myopic and, until it happens to them, they have no empathy to give.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

So my (totally uneducated, don't live in your shoes, don't know your relationship, etc) opinion?

He doesn't get it and that's OK. He doesn't see physical wounds and no one can comprehend the exhaustion that comes with the lack of nutrients, fluids and hormonal changes that come along with WLS unless one has been through it. I am sure he is anxious for you to be back on your feet and you are anxious to be back to normal as well.

That said, even YOU don't fully comprehend how much the hormone dump is affecting you because it's so bizarre. It made me anxious, mean, grumpy, excited, sensitive, giddy...ALL AT THE SAME TIME. You can't really see it while you are living it, but you can when you reflect back on it.

Work on resting at regular intervals. Work on your fluids and protein'. Walk as much as possible. Nap when you need it. Have prepped foods in the refrigerator. Ignore the absurdity of his reactions and ask that he ignore yours. In a month or two, you will be back to normal. A slightly different normal, but normal.

AND PLEASE... don't give in to the common misconception that he is jealous, insecure, blah blah blah. Yes, it happens quite often, but when one assumes that is what it is, you react in ways that may be more damaging than helpful, IN MY OPINION.

Good luck! You're going to be fine.

[busybeebug 415]

So my (totally uneducated, don't live in your shoes, don't know your relationship, etc) opinion?

He doesn't get it and that's OK. He doesn't see physical wounds and no one can comprehend the exhaustion that comes with the lack of nutrients, fluids and hormonal changes that come along with WLS unless one has been through it. I am sure he is anxious for you to be back on your feet and you are anxious to be back to normal as well.

That said, even YOU don't fully comprehend how much the hormone dump is affecting you because it's so bizarre. It made me anxious, mean, grumpy, excited, sensitive, giddy...ALL AT THE SAME TIME. You can't really see it while you are living it, but you can when you reflect back on it.

Work on resting at regular intervals. Work on your fluids and protein'. Walk as much as possible. Nap when you need it. Have prepped foods in the refrigerator. Ignore the absurdity of his reactions and ask that he ignore yours. In a month or two, you will be back to normal. A slightly different normal, but normal.

AND PLEASE... don't give in to the common misconception that he is jealous, insecure, blah blah blah. Yes, it happens quite often, but when one assumes that is what it is, you react in ways that may be more damaging than helpful, IN MY OPINION.

Good luck! You're going to be fine.

Thank you. I'm just tired and frustrated. I'm looking forward to feeling normal and processing things better

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[ANewMe2017 10]

He is overweight but athletic. Maybe he is insecure of the upcoming changes. I think he was cautiously optimistic on this whole process because I've always started strong on things then ultimately fail (diet wise) I've had a couple of other surgeries which incapacitated me for days and weeks so this isn't a foreign concept. On needing help, I've done much on my own and only ask for help if I was seriously in need. I'm going to try and talk with him again. Maybe I'm over reacting owever I do notice since surgery he is very different.

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Maybe the jealousy thing is it. Cases do show that there is a mental change in a partner , especially if the partner has weight issues and you are in the process of "correcting" yours. It kind of sounds like he may be a little insecure about the situation. You just had surgery for goodness sake and everyone's recovery is different...you both must remember that. I am preparing ...mostly mentally to get the surgery next year and guess what....my fiancee is preparing for my surgery too. In a relationship everything is a joint effort....he has to remember that.

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[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

This is why I am so happily single. My guess is that up to now you have silently taken on most of the parenting, housekeeping, and general living duties and he hasn't had to be responsible for much. Now he is. Sucks to be him but if you got hit by a truck tomorrow he would have to step up at least until he was able to find a new wife/mother/housekeeper.

I have no suggestions other than to kindly and firmly set your boundaries and expectations for what you need to recover and be healthy.

Prolonging your recovery by not taking care of yourself is not going to help you or him in the long run.

Good luck!

[ANewMe2017 10]

I'm not in anyways saying that this is definitely insecurity. We are not there and living in your shoes....I am just noting that recovery for 1 person in the couple is actually recovery for both of you.... your recovery is physical and mental as well as emotional and his is mental. He is probably going through some mental changes in this situation too....thats all I am saying. But get some rest and keep hydrated. Hope all goes well with your recovery process. #ImNotAPsychologist #JustAnOpinion

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[ANewMe2017 10]

This is why I am so happily single. My guess is that up to now you have silently taken on most of the parenting, housekeeping, and general living duties and he hasn't had to be responsible for much. Now he is. Sucks to be him but if you got hit by a truck tomorrow he would have to step up at least until he was able to find a new wife/mother/housekeeper.

I have no suggestions other than to kindly and firmly set your boundaries and expectations for what you need to recover and be healthy.

Prolonging your recovery by not taking care of yourself is not going to help you or him in the long run.

Good luck!

Beautifully put.....

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[KristenLe 5,979]

@@busybeebug Communicate with each other - calmly explain to him that you are recovering from major surgery and that you will need his help. Let him know that your hormones are all out of whack and you will need his patience and understanding. He may not be doing anything differently - but you're reactions are different. Maybe he's nervous about the future or upset that you don't feel well (and wondering if this is a long term issue). Maybe he's exhausted from working such long hours and isn't used to having to do things at home after work (if he's used to you always doing it). Talk to each other.

[Christinamo7 4,042]

I do most everything in my house. it's fine - but when I am down I am DOWN. had the plague last week, so unlike my surgery nothing was prepared. they all survived.

you have to rest. inside your body everything is changed. that alone makes you tired. I went back to work at a week, part time but I was not 100%. it takes a couple of months!

so, if they have to order in food. so be it. it is not forever. if you can get your head in the game try to do the timekeeping in little pieces (I am a timekeeper also, so I know what a big job that can be) just do what you have to for the next few weeks, and things should be getting easier all the time.

[busybeebug 415]

Now that I had some rest and the hubster realized that I am more down than he thought, I feel emotionally a bit better.

He is always overwhelmed with something for work. It is thw nature of the business. I was supposed to help him out however that wasn't working out for this time period.

I slept most of the day today and kinda shut everything down. My husband is a really good God loving man. I just think he didn't and to a point still doesn't get what has happened and the upheaval my body is in. I can't fault him for that rationally because he isn't going through it. I do appreciate all your thoughts,and advice. This is a tough process. ????????

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