Why I'll Never Say, 'You Look Great!'

[Elizabeth Anderson RD 669]

Bariatric Dietitian Elizabeth Anderson is no stranger to the faux-pas. She's put her foot in her mouth on more than one occasion.

In her unending Quest for improvement, she may have found a solution for navigating the thin line between compliments and criticism.

Lara loves it when people comment on her weight loss. She’s 6 months out from surgery and she’s on top of the world. She admits she gets a little ‘high’ from the positive attention of family, coworkers and even strangers. If someone doesn’t mention her new look, she feels a little irritated. Why haven’t they noticed??

Melissa wishes you would mind your own freakin’ business. She’s three months out from surgery. She considers her weight loss private and wishes everyone would just stop making a fuss over it; it’s embarrassing. For Melissa, it really boils down to this: did she really look so awful BEFORE surgery?

Where do you fall on the spectrum?

I’ll bet there are as many different preferences here as there are people who’ve had WLS.

As a provider, this is a dilemma. Obviously rapid and dramatic weight loss is hard to ignore. My natural inclination is to gush and hug.

But the ‘Melissas’ out there do not want my hero-confetti parade.

Recently, I learned about a new strategy for this conundrum-- thanks to the experts the 13^th annual Bariatric Summit in Nashville.

One of the psychologists who’s also a dietitian suggested we all ditch the ‘You look GREAT!’ greeting for our WLS clients.

Why? Because it can lead some people to feel their value/worth/success is rooted in their appearance and weight.

Looking slim? You’ll surely be regaled with, “Fabulous!” and “You look awesome!”

But what if you’ve regained some weight? Are you suddenly less interesting? A failure? Invisible?

And what if people perceive the comment like Melissa, as sort of a velvet hammer or thinly veiled insult, “Thank God she finally did something about her weight.”

I’m not new to this planet people; I know what you’re saying. Yes, our society does put the focus on external appearance. I’m just declaring that I’m joining the movement recognizing the remarkable human inside the body.

And here’s another good reason to hit the pause button on our mouths. Ever been congratulated on a pregnancy that is in essence a poor fitting garment? I have.

While it’s awkward and painful there’s another side to that coin.

Think of all the folks among us--in your own town, that’ve lost a noticeable amount of weight because they’re undergoing chemo or just lost a parent or spouse?

I'm pretty sure they don't want to be told how fantastic they look.

So from here on out, when I see a client for the first time in a few months, I’m going to greet them and take in their energy vibe.

If they’re glowing, I’ll remark that it looks like things are going well and ask if I’m on target.

If they seem down, I’ll remind them how smart they are to stay in touch with a loving support system through the highs and lows after surgery.

I invite you to join me. After all, we’re simply acknowledging what we already know-- our appearance is only the gift wrapping our (presents!) brings to the universe.

[heidikat72 935]

At my bariatric center's monthly support group meetings we devoted a whole session to this very thing. Fortunately that was the session my friend and main support person attended. What we discussed was rather than making the compliment about looking good/more attractive (because as you pointed out, a lot of us then can't help but think - gee I guess you are saying I really looked awful before), to make the compliment more about accomplishments such as "I can tell you've really been working hard" or "I can see you have so much more energy now" or in my case as my friend points out to me "You are so much more active now. I am so happy to be able to see your journey"

But I will say, it is nice to hear something, anything, that says the transformation is noticeable. I was over a hundred lbs down before anyone ever said anything - not even my close friends that knew about the surgery. I commented one day to one of them that it was frustrating to have lost a big chunk of weight and no one notices. She actually said everyone notices but I know I wasn't sure how to phrase it and also, it was so obvious that you had lost a lot that I just assumed you realized too how much your appearance was changing.

So there is a fine line between it being a veiled insult and a welcome acknowledgement. And during that emotional initial phase - I know I never know how I'll react to even the most innocent of comments. So kudos to the friends that take the risk and talk to you about your progress.

[Christinamo7 4,042]

I am sure it is tricky when you are the medical professional.

but rest assured, you can feel free to tell me how fabulous I look any time at all.

[The Candidate 3,215]

Me too. I love it!

[foreveryoung85 4]

Ive lost 25 lbs since surgery on 9/12 (SW 261 CW 236) and 44lbs since my highest weight(280)and not only have I not noticed a change, but it seems that no one else has either. Kinda wish someone would notice...even if it was just me!!!

Sent from my LGMS550 using the BariatricPal App

[heidikat72 935]

that was me - even over 100lbs down and I couldn't see a change when I looked in the mirror. I knew my clothes fit different and I had a lot less back and knee pain but couldn't VISUALLY see a difference. And I thought no one else did either but turns out most of them thought the change was so obvious they didn't need to comment on it!

It actually wasn't until I cut my hair short that I started noticing a change and I could finally tell that my face was much slimmer and my neck.

Ive lost 25 lbs since surgery on 9/12 (SW 261 CW 236) and 44lbs since my highest weight(280)and not only have I not noticed a change, but it seems that no one else has either. Kinda wish someone would notice...even if it was just me!!!

Sent from my LGMS550 using the BariatricPal App

[AnnMarie23 13]

I actually had someone tell me that I was going to love shopping now. I get that they were trying to be supportive, but that really stung. When you are heavy and then become thin, you are the same exact person just in a smaller package.

[SweetPeas 117]

Nobody would dream of telling someone who got a haircut how much better their hair looks now- so good I almost didn't recognize you! This would be the epitome of rude. Weight seems to be a domain where it is socially acceptable to comment and give one's unsolicited opinion. I don't mind someone looking to be more healthy asking an honest question about what is working for me. Every other day comments on my weight, what I'm eating, saying I've lost too much or might blow away/etc. is unwelcome and intrusive.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

I don't see it as a matter of my preference. It's more about whom is speaking to me. Not everyone has the right to be so personal. Those who do know it; those who don't should know that they don't. There's more to it than this, but the fine points take a long time to spell out.

When in doubt, I see nothing wrong with telling some that she looks happy or relaxed or like the world is hers. Something along that line. It covers a lot of territory without naming the thing that may be unwelcomed.

Edited September 27, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch