I need advice about my ex-girlfriend.

[Hiraeth 515]

This might be long, so brace yourselves, lol. >_< If you don't agree with LGBT discussions, then please turn away now. Thank you.

So, I am bisexual. I've known this since I was 14; I'm 25 now. I started dating a woman about my age when I was 22. We were in a long-distance relationship (she lived in CA and I live in AL). Her parents were 100% supportive of her sexuality, but my mother is not, and she doesn't know either (I can't tell her because she is very conservative). Anyway, we dated for almost a year and I fell in love with her. She claimed to love me, too. She ended up moving to Idaho, then to South Dakota, because she couldn't find a job in CA or Idaho. She moved with her sister (who is extremely conservative and had no idea my ex is into women). Well, her sister found out and told her that I would never be allowed to come around her family. This hurt my ex so much, that she moved out of her sister's house and in with a friend. Well, she ended up moving in with another bisexual woman. She felt accepted there and I was happy. Well, the guilt of her being gay started to get to her more, which was triggered by her unaccepting sister. She found a job and started to have a crush on someone else; a man. I was shocked because I thought she was a lesbian. She assured me that the crush was nothing and that she only had it because we were so far apart and that she was lonely. I broke up with her because of the crush, and it made her cry a lot. We ended up getting back together a week later. Well, a few weeks after that, I asked if she still had a crush on this guy. She said yes, and I got upset again. A few days later, she broke up with me because I couldn't trust her anymore. She said she was too hurt because of my lack of trust. Several weeks later, we ended contact with each other and she ended up dating this guy a few months after I stopped speaking to her. They've been together for 2 years now.

Well, it's been 2 years since I've spoken to her. She recently contacted me about a month ago telling me that she is sorry for everything that happened. She told me that she is getting married in November. I was fine with it at first, but as we have been talking almost daily now, my feelings for her are coming back quickly. Sometimes I wonder if she feels the same about me. The reason is because, she tells me all the time that she has a hard time having sex with her fiance because of PTSD from a past rape. Every time they try to make love, she gets upset and pushes him away. She even told me that she is only attracted to him emotionally, and that there is little to no sexual attraction for him. She told me that she is 95% homosexual. She has even gone as far as flirting with me and bringing up our past many times. She apologizes all the time and texts me constantly. Most of the time it feels like old times between us. I don't know what to make of this. She told me she feels too guilty to be with women because of her religion (we are both Christians). But, there are some days when she tells me that she loves him and that she wants to marry him. I know my ex VERY well, and I know she will grow bored. She has been flirting with me almost daily now, and she even sends me suggestive photos of women in lingerie. She never looks at men, EVER. She says, "My fiance is the only man I could ever be with." Meaning, she could never be with any other man because she doesn't like men sexually. If I'm not mistaken, don't you have to be sexually attracted to someone to make it work in a relationship?

She has also admitted to me that she has been having doubts about getting married. She claims that it's because her fiance works night shift, and that they hardly see each other as much as they want to, but they still see each other every now and then. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you supposed to be at least 90% sure you want to get married if you love the person?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being used by her as a sexual fix, and that she doesn't have emotional feelings for me. Her guilt gets in the way a lot about her sexuality. So my main question is... Does it seem like she has unresolved feelings for me? Or am I being used?

Edited September 15, 2016 by Hiraeth

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@Hiraeth I'm not sure that you are being "used" but it certainly doesn't seem like a good situation and I would not get back into a relationship with her. I would ask her to stop sending you suggestive texts or leading you on. If she can do that to the person she's engaged to be married to in less than 2 months - then she's not looking for a committed relationship and you shouldn't trust her (either should her fiance). She needs to get her shit together emotionally and decide what she wants to do with her life. You are young - find someone who knows what they want and is respectful and trustworthy! If you want to pursue something with her - just have your eyes wide open and realize that you may get hurt again. I encourage you to talk to someone about maybe broaching the subject of your sexuality with your Mom (if that's something you'd be safe doing). It can't be easy hiding who you really are. Good luck!

[Hiraeth 515]

@@Hiraeth I'm not sure that you are being "used" but it certainly doesn't seem like a good situation and I would not get back into a relationship with her. I would ask her to stop sending you suggestive texts or leading you on. If she can do that to the person she's engaged to be married to in less than 2 months - then she's not looking for a committed relationship and you shouldn't trust her (either should her fiance). She needs to get her **** together emotionally and decide what she wants to do with her life. You are young - find someone who knows what they want and is respectful and trustworthy! If you want to pursue something with her - just have your eyes wide open and realize that you may get hurt again. I encourage you to talk to someone about maybe broaching the subject of your sexuality with your Mom (if that's something you'd be safe doing). It can't be easy hiding who you really are. Good luck!

Thank you so much for your response! She told me that her fiance doesn't care if she flirts, which is strange. Do you think there's a possibility that maybe she is lying to herself about being in love with him? It's one thing to be unfaithful to someone, but it's another thing to be unfaithful to someone you love. I feel like she's not 100% faithful to him because of her sexuality. Do you think that's possible? Or, maybe she's just extremely insecure.

I tried telling my mother once. It did not go well AT ALL. So I told her it was just a phase and she believed me. I feel safer if she doesn't know. No one besides my friends and sister knows. I hide it well because I'm feminine, and they tend to associate being boyish with being a lesbian (which is not always true).

[Bufflehead 6,358]

You can't solve her problems with respect to guilt, sexual issues with her fiance, etc. Your interaction with her doesn't sound like it is making you happy. If I were you, I would dial the contact way back. If she can't respect any boundaries you might implement (don't talk to me about your love life, don't text me sexy pictures, let's only chat once a week, whatever you choose) . . . honestly I would block her from your contacts list and go about trying to find a good woman who is not engaged to someone else and in turmoil about her romantic life. I promise you there are better, healthier relationships waiting out there for you.

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@Hiraeth Honestly, I don't think she has a clue what she wants or who she is in love with (or if she is in love). I can't see marrying a man if I were a lesbian - that's something that people did 40-50 years ago to hide the fact that they were homosexual. She may love him as a friend - but why get married? I'm not gay so maybe it's just something I don't understand. Why did she wait 2 years to get in touch with you - and right before she gets married??

[Icantbelieveit 955]

Sounds like she is lying to you, him and herself. Either is a liar, cheater or just a user. She is one or more of thise things. She is either using you because she gets her kicks with fantasizing with you knowing full well you are necer going to be more than what you are right now. She will talk to you when she has time and be a catfish type of thing. But in her real world she wants to be married. Why else and how else could she be in a 2yr relationship heading to the altar?

You are not in her life. You are in the life she wants you to be in. She cuts and pastes what she wants you to know or make you believe. You may think you know her very well. But she may have you bamboozled just as much as her soon to be husband.

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[Icantbelieveit 955]

*not going to be more than what you are

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[Hiraeth 515]

Thank you all so much for your wise words. You all have a very good point in this. Trust me, this advice really helps.

@@Hiraeth Honestly, I don't think she has a clue what she wants or who she is in love with (or if she is in love). I can't see marrying a man if I were a lesbian - that's something that people did 40-50 years ago to hide the fact that they were homosexual. She may love him as a friend - but why get married? I'm not gay so maybe it's just something I don't understand. Why did she wait 2 years to get in touch with you - and right before she gets married??

Exactly! I swear, you always have such wisdom in all of your posts. I am so honored that you took the time to respond to me, especially with such a stressful topic. I agree with this; I don't think she knows what she wants. I'm usually very good at figuring things out for myself, especially with relationships, but this one has got me on a roller coaster of confusion. She told me many times recently that she can't be with a woman purely because of guilt. She said, "I don't feel guilty with my fiance." I truly believe that she just cares about him as a friend, and that she is trying to force herself into loving him as a partner. I also wonder why she waited this long to contact me, especially since she is about to get married. I also wonder why she keeps bringing up our past. I really hope she isn't doing this as an ego boost, because she is genuinely a good person. I know it doesn't sound like it by what I've written. It's so hard for me to imagine her doing something in a cruel manner. I've been in a few relationships before, and all of them were horrible, except this one. She has never treated me badly, until after we broke up.

[Airstream88 361]

"Do you think there's a possibility that maybe she is lying to herself about being in love with him? "

No of us can answer that question for you because we don't know this person. It sounds to me like you are hoping that she is lying to herself about him so that she can eventually be with you. But love is complicated. There are many relationships where the people involved are not sexually attracted to each other but have a deeper connection based on shared interests and beliefs. On the other hand, since she doesn't feel she can be out in the open about her sexuality, then maybe she is marrying him because of her feelings about her religion and her family. I know of a gay couple where one partner never came out to his mother. She lived in another state and always thought his partner was just a roommate. After she died and it became legal, they married. On the surface, it appears that she is getting her sexual gratification from communicating with you. In my opinion, you should not pursue any type of relationship with her as in my experience, these types of situations never turn out the way the unattached person desires.

[Hiraeth 515]

You can't solve her problems with respect to guilt, sexual issues with her fiance, etc. Your interaction with her doesn't sound like it is making you happy. If I were you, I would dial the contact way back. If she can't respect any boundaries you might implement (don't talk to me about your love life, don't text me sexy pictures, let's only chat once a week, whatever you choose) . . . honestly I would block her from your contacts list and go about trying to find a good woman who is not engaged to someone else and in turmoil about her romantic life. I promise you there are better, healthier relationships waiting out there for you.

I know I can't solve them, which sucks, because I wish I could. I think I may have a "Save-the-World Complex". Right now, talking to her gives me mixed feelings. I get excited when she texts, but I also feel so shitty when she talks about getting married. It's a constant roller coaster. I also feel disappointed when she goes a while without responding. It's hard for me to tell her to stop, because honestly, I like when she does it. But, I know it isn't healthy to let this continue. I have contemplated blocking her, but sometimes I feel like I'm her only form of support and advice. She always tells me that I know what to say and that I give great advice. I do know that there is probably someone better than this out there for me. It just sucks because, I have never connected with someone this much. This is so hard.

[KristenLe 5,979]

I don't think she means to be cruel but what she's doing is going to hurt someone - most likely you. Take care of yourself and save YOU!

[Hiraeth 515]

"Do you think there's a possibility that maybe she is lying to herself about being in love with him? "

No of us can answer that question for you because we don't know this person. It sounds to me like you are hoping that she is lying to herself about him so that she can eventually be with you. But love is complicated. There are many relationships where the people involved are not sexually attracted to each other but have a deeper connection based on shared interests and beliefs. On the other hand, since she doesn't feel she can be out in the open about her sexuality, then maybe she is marrying him because of her feelings about her religion and her family. I know of a gay couple where one partner never came out to his mother. She lived in another state and always thought his partner was just a roommate. After she died and it became legal, they married. On the surface, it appears that she is getting her sexual gratification from communicating with you. In my opinion, you should not pursue any type of relationship with her as in my experience, these types of situations never turn out the way the unattached person desires.

You're right. I shouldn't have asked that question because you all don't know her personally. I don't know why I asked that, lol. You're also right about me hoping she isn't in love with him because I do want her to be with me. I've never confided in anyone more than I have with her. That's what makes this so difficult. Love truly is complicated. My ex cares A LOT about sex. She thinks about it constantly. So, I would think that she wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with someone unless she were attracted to them. I do think a lot of the reason why she is marrying him is to please her family and avoid the guilt of being with a woman. She craves companionship, so she would rather be with a nice man than be alone. I do wonder if she is getting sexual gratification from me, but then she keeps bringing up her past and truly going into detail about why it ended; which was because of the guilt and distance. Even if she dumped him for me, I don't know if I could be with her because of the lack of trust I once had. I do know that with time, my trust could be restored, but I am still scared.

She seems to be attached to me emotionally. She is very persistent with text messages. Sometimes I will test her (unknowingly to her) to see if she will keep texting me, even if I haven't replied to her previous texts; it's almost as if she's chasing after me. Also, she texts me right before she goes to bed and right when she wakes up. So I must be on her mind.

[Icantbelieveit 955]

Dont think that you would be her only girlfriend irl. Sounds like an opportunistic cheater to me. If she loved you and not him, she would break up with him. You are hundreds and hundreds of miles away.

You are a fantasy, he is her reality.

Dont think they dont text, talk, have sex all the time. She tells you what she wants you to believe to keep up her fantasy.

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[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

I've read only a sentence here and there. They are enough to tell me that this woman is to be avoided. Too much baggage there. She doesn't know what she wants. She knows what she wants. She wants everything. She wants nothing.

You're not a yo-yo. You're not an experiment. You're not a rug upon which to fall back. Don't be strung along while she's trying or not trying to understand the mystery of life.

[Hiraeth 515]

Thank you all for posting. I know I shouldn't be allowing her to string me along. I hate that I allow it. I think what I will do is bring up the subject and just come out and ask her how she feels. After that, I will most likely stop contact again.

I was doing so well and had a lot of sunshine in my future with this WLS. Then she pops back up and now the sunshine is dimming. It sucks.