Little Comments/Big Hurts

[lauri 0]

For the past two weeks, I have tried-really tried to diet. I am writing down EVERYTHING I eat and counting up the calories (1000-1500 per day). I've cut out sugar, and bad carbs, and have been trying to be positive about it. As some of you know, I really got upset with myself the other day for eatting pizza but I decieded not to beat myself up and just eat small amounts of something if I REALLY want it and go on with my life. I've lost several pounds but It's been really hard.

My husband 6ft/125pounds! Eats whatever he wants - Ice cream, moon pies, Dr. Pepper! I don't think he even knows what a vegetable looks like! Well, he has no conception of what I am going through. Except that he would like to gain weight and can't!

Well, one of my fears is that he might really be disgusted with me(the way I look, my illness's and everything that goes with it, and stuff like that) and that if I lose weight - he might love me more that is if he really loves me now that is. I know this probably sounds insane but it really bothers me. I really want him to love me the way that I am but, I hate myself. So I feel like he should hate me, too.

Any ways, I hate it when I am really trying to watch what I eat because I feel so completely self consious. Like he's watching me to see how long I am going to stick with it THIS time. All the while, he climbs in bed with his moon pie or ice cream and drinks his cokes. He never seems to notice that I am eating next to nothing-atleast next to nothing that I really want to eat but let me pick up ONE FREAKING BROWNIE and he notices!!!

That by the way is what just happened! He is sitting there chowing on his sweets and I think-man, I really want some chocolate. So, I deciede to get me a small one. I crawl into bed and take a little bite. I'm thinking,"Man, this is soooo good. I am going to eat this really slow and enjoy this treat. I deserve it." I haven't even finished chewing the first bite when he pipes up,"I bet THAT has a million calories. I thought you said you were going to really try to watch what you eat?"

Well, that didn't go over too well. I chunked the brownie on the bed in his direction and then spit the bite I had in my mouth in the sink. I crawled back in bed and he just acted like nothing had happened. So, I got really mad and threw the stinking brownie across the room and came in here to talk to you guys.

Besides the fact that I feel like a fool for losing my temper and acting like a spoiled brat- I quess the thing that really bothers me is that it confirms my feelings of being "Watched!" and not really loved for who I am. I mean, Hell- I accept his skinny self! Then, I think, "FORGET IT!!! I am not even going to try anymore! Why should I? If he can't love me for who I am forget him!" I did the same thing as a kid. My dad would comment about what I was eating and I would eat more just because he didn't accept me the way I was.

Well, I am sure he is probably asleep by now. He is not one of those husbands that appologize or even come look to see if you are okay. So, I have to just deal with this-there is no talking things out with him-but I don't know how. I am so hurt and mad! Why do I let shi* like this get to me? And, how do I NOT sabotage myself.

[New Hope 37]

Lauri, really deep in his heart, he probably thinks he's helping you stick with your diet by the things he says. You got rid of the brownie, so he feels that he took care of the situation, has nothing to dwell on, rolled over, and is now sleeping peacefully. Maybe, when you're not tired or angry, try to talk with him (not at him) and let him know that you appreciate his support. But constructive criticism will get far more positive results than ridicule or sarcasm. Also, you might ask him to eat his goodies away from you - to help you resist temptation. Or if you don't think you can talk to him calmly, then how about leaving him a little note that's nicely worded, letting him know that you appreciate his support, love, and encouragement. " But, DH, please stop and think before you say something to me!" Let him know that you're trying so hard to live healhier, you're stressed out dealing w/ the insurance company, and you'd love him to grab your hand and go for a walk with you (often).

You are doing such a great job, Lauri, and without the band aid! Give yourself a big pat on the back!

[lauri 0]

Thank you. I don't mean to be such a cry baby.:cry Your idea about a note is a good idea. I was actually tossing that around in my head this am. I know he loves me and really doesn't mean to hurt me but he is very bad at communication. I am sure you are right about him trying to help-I JUST REALLY WANTED THAT BLASTED BROWNIE!!!! :lick

Well, today is my first day at home by myself in over a week. So, I am going to go to Curves and relax. My youngest son has been very ill (I'm sure that had nothing to do with my frustration)

Again, thank you! I needed some perspective and well....just someone to listen. (((Hugs)))

[Alexandra 55]

Oh Lauri, I feel for you. An observation I made a long time ago, to a different husband who was "helpful" in the same way yours is trying to be, is that if he sees me eating a brownie or something he should think TO HIMSELF: "I'm glad she can enjoy a treat now and then. Life is no fun without a little goody once in a while, and I know it won't destroy all the hard work she's doing."

And TO ME: say nothing. What he eats is not a matter for me to comment on, and I deserve the same respect.

But what the hell are y'all doing eating brownies in bed??? Ban them immediately from any room except where you eat meals. It's absolutely CRUEL BEYOND MEASURE for him to sit and eat crap in the place where you should be the most comfortable yourself. If he objects tell him it's your bedroom too and this is just not fair to you. That's how he can help, not by making snide comments. Set some boundaries, girl!

[whippledaddy 5]

The smallest pebble, thrown in the largest pond, will make ripples that reach the farthest shore.

Every little action, every little word, has it's own ripple effect. Words, once spoken, can never be retrieved, they head out, like cruise missles who no longer have guidance systems, and they do their damage.

When you're surrounded by that layer of fat, your body might be protected, but your soul, already tender, is exposed to all attacks. Heavy people are reduced (no pun intended) to taking their self esteem from the esteem of others. It's a fragile patch over our tortured insides at best. When we do this we are putting ourselves at the whim of others. It's dangerous for us, and a big responsibility for them.

True self esteem comes from within. That's easy to say, but it gets pretty hard to find when the comments are coming fast and thick, and we can't even defend ourselves because we have a part of us that agrees with our attackers. Somehow we all seem to feel we're not good enough, not worth defending. So we only half take our own side, and the other half goes over to the enemies side. We have mirrors. We have hearts. We can see equally well into both, and both can be broken.

I know of no way to get a thin person to understand what it's like. If they, too, have some highly visible reason for comment, they might understand, but not always. I knew a girl once who was covered in large, unsightly warts. Every inch of her was a mass of bumps. It was hard to look at her, but when you saw beneath those ugly bumps, you found a truly beautiful girl, smart witty and very sexy. But you had to invest the time to look, and to really see what you were looking at.

I doubt your hubby understood just how much damage his comment did. Heck even those of us who battle the weight don't fully understand why those comments hurt so bad. He knew it would hurt a bit, maybe like a pinch, but it's really a punch in the gut. If he knew, he would have taken a different tack, I'm sure.

You've recieved good advice here on how to handle this. I can't give you any better, but you can take a moment to really deal with your emotions. You feel hurt and you deserve to feel hurt. The one who has the fate of your fragile heart and feelings in his hands, hurt you. You are unprotected from such an attack. You deserve to feel hurt. It's your pain, give it room to live it's short life, so you can get back to the job at hand.

Try to find a way to let him know just how much those words can hurt. Try to do it without making him feel like he's under attack. We men tend to react that way. We're fragile in that way. And we have nearly no idea of what we are feeling at any given moment. We are not evolved emotionally. So if you make him defend himself, he'll miss the point. Indeed he'll wonder what the point was, he won't even come close.

And, as a husband myself, who's been in the dog house and didn't know why, I can tell you that whatever he did is because he loves you, and wants the best for you. He wants you to be happy. And so do you. You have a common goal.

Live, love, and be well.

[hagerteresa 3]

Hi Lauri,

I feel for you too. All husbands have moments of insensitivity, TRUST ME... Like Alex said, treats are earned and deserved once in awhile. I remember my weight watcher days... Every week after weigh in if I did good I would allow myself a meal at McDonalds on my way home. My mom used to crack up about it but that was my treasured reward for having been a good dieter all week. I love to have my evening snack in bed too so I can completely relate about that. My husband has accidently made comments before too (few and far between) but I know he loves me for who I am. Hopefully yours does as well. Best wishes, Teresa

[DeLarla 22]

Have you tried talking to him? My husband is out in left-field when I try to seriously talk to him, so it took years to find a way to get him to actually listen. He has the patience of a rattle snake, so I have to keep things short and simple. You have to talk to a man like you are a man. They don't sniffle or cry or whine, they talk straight facts. Tell him "if the Boston Redsocks eat brownies in bed, then so will the cheerleaders." I agree that brownies should be kept out of the bedroom, but my husband takes great joy in eating like a hog, even in bed. It's not his fault that he's think while I'm obese, so I'm not going to make him suffer. Why don't you have "safe" Snacks for yourself like fat free ice cream bars? Say, "hey, I'm looking at today's calories and I can still afford a fudgesickle." Maybe if he sees you physically calculating the numbers on paper before you eat it, then he won't need to "help" you. Men look at their friends and tell them straight up, "hey dude, you're getting a huge gut." And the friend doesn't cry or throw food, they just look down and say, "ya think?" They are so matter-of-fact that they don't even know they're hurting us; they think they're helping.

But more important, you need to know if he loves you now. I was fighting a lot with Chris before I lost the weight because I hated myself. I totally understand where you're coming from. I was a super bitch before surgery and would snap at the littlest thing. Then I finally told Chris how bad I hated myself. He assured me he'd keep loving me even if he had to bash the walls out so my fat ass could get through the door. That's love, baby, so go ask your man how he's feeling.

[lauri 0]

Alex-your right about not eating in bed. It's a Terrible habit-I know! For me, it stems from several years of insomnia. Be bored-eat and watch movies. That's how I ended up in this situation!!! DH eats his bed time snack every night right before he goes to sleep. We really do need to talk about this-Cause it is hard not to want to snack when he is!

What? Is that what that table in that room next to the kitchen is for? Eating? I thought it was for homework, bills, and arts and crafts! I thought you eat at the computer, on the couch, driving down the road, or in bed!

Ryan-it's nice to have your input. I am sure you are right. He probably didn't have any idea how much it would hurt and really does want me to be happy. Thanks for providing a male point of view. It really does help.

Teresa- Thanks for affirming my feelings about a "treat" now and then. I figured it would help me not to feel deprived. If I can "ocassionally" eat just a bit of something I like then maybe I won't feel so frustrated. I could ENJOY myself and know that it's ok because I have worked so hard. AND as all of you know-it really is WORK to watch what/how much you are eating!!!

Lisa! you crack me up-are you sure you aren't a stand up comedian in your spare time!? I can always count on you to make me laugh-and after all isn't that supposed to be the best med? Well, anyways-you make alot of sense. DH assures me that he loves me, no matter what, and that he always will but I have trouble feeling it because of ME. I realize that I, too, can be a real bitch. I've told him before that I wanted to leave sometimes but it's not HIM that I want to leave-it's ME! I am trying to become someone that I can love and then maybe I will be able to feel the love that my family trys to give me.

I am going to write him a short, to the point-but not pointing - note today. AND THEN try to talk to him-maybe he will bring it up. THANK YOU ALL.

[Marimaru 7]

On top of what everyone else said... I had another thought. Maybe he was being sarcastic the other way around. Like maybe he thinks you are paying too much attention etc, but didn't realize that mentioning your brownie was going to throw you in the dreaded guilt trip spiral.

Anyhow, it was just a thought. However he meant his comment it totally lacked tact. I hope that your note writing goes well.

[babsyintx 0]

Lauri,

Lisa hit the nail on the head. Thus the book, "Men are from Mars, Women Venus". Guys dont mince with words and can come across very insensitive about certain issues. Also, having a treat once in a while even when "dieting" wont end the world. But it would probably be better if you had some treats that were really enjoyable to you and easily at your disposal should you have the urge for chocolate or ice cream etc... I love Skinny cow chocolate ice cream bars and sometimes I will have a low carb chocolate bar or some light popcorn. (1/3 bag). This makes it easier to justify the treats (not that u have to...) and stay in a food plan that works for you and allows you to treat yourself everyday. Yes, sometimes men can be insensitive cads.!

Babs in TX

334/188/170

-146

[DeLarla 22]

Lemme back up a second. I don't think all treats should be diet, either. I keep diet ice creams in the fridge all the time, so there's always something easy & fun. But there's no way I can say no to every single holiday goodie that sits in my office. So I made myself a deal in advance. I won't eat any store-bought Cookies. But if anyone bakes, I'll allow myself a little. And out of the boxed assortments, I get all the dark chocolate/espresso ones (I'll leave all the milk chocolate to the wimps.)

[blossom 2]

Lauri, sweetie, your weightloss should be for YOU! It is YOUR health and YOUR life you are trying to save with your weightloss efforts. Try telling yourself that often and BELIEVE it! Once you get that straight in your head, the rest will fall into place. This is one of the hardest things I have ever learned to do, and I still struggle with it, but it is soooo important.

[whippledaddy 5]

Men look at their friends and tell them straight up, "hey dude, you're getting a huge gut." And the friend doesn't cry or throw food, they just look down and say, "ya think?"

Well, actually we don't ever respond to that question with a simple "ya think?" In the handbook of male to male communication that would be a faux pas of the highest magnitude. Never let a chance to exagerate your male sexual prowess go by so the answer would be one of these two:

"Yeah? But the wife likes what it turns into after midnight."

"Large equipment needs a large roof over it."

Sorry ladies, but if you're trying to understand men ya gotta know how they talk when you all aren't around.

[lauri 0]

Ryan-you are sooo right! I have heard those exact comments, first hand. I just wonder if it hurts guys or if they just blow it off. Maybe, it just depends on their past experiences with their weight?

[whippledaddy 5]

A few times in my life I've been hurt by the things that people said. Mostly though, I've been hurt by circumstances themselves.

There was that humiliating time in Church when the pew broke beneath my weight. And in school when a desk chair buckled a leg.

An aluminum camp chair collapsed under me, and someone actually caught it on camera. It was funny, I suppose.

Then there are the numerous times my pants have split whether I was at work or play.

Once Patty said something that really hurt. That was over twelve years ago, and I feel the sting of those awful words to this day. She was larger than I at that time, and for some reason, that made her comments even more damaging.

Others? Nope, not too much in the hurt feelings category, I guess. Sometimes their stupidity makes me a little angry. But there is one thing I have learned. Stupid people won't see their own oafishness, or can't see it, no matter how hard you try to show it to them.

Good luck. Hang tight, and don't give up on the whole insurance thing.