Weight Loss = Friend Loss

[CSchulden 61]

It's 9 months after my surgery. I am down nearly 70 pounds, dropped from a size 20 and an XXL to an 8 and a M and I feel FANTASTIC! My confidence is up, my energy is through the roof and I now 'feel' thin (mentally and physically), even though I still have about 10 pounds to go until my ultimate goal. I'm even embarking on a new career path that I didn't have the confidence to pursue previously.

But, I'm losing friends. People who I've been friends with for YEARS suddenly don't have the time for me. They no longer invite me to parties, happy hours, birthday parties, etc yet they are happy to post where they've been and with whom on Facebook for me to find. They don't 'like' any of my social media posts anymore and none of it is weight loss centric (ok, so I made one comment about losing toe fat).

I talked to my therapist about it. Many of the people who have suddenly exited my life are over-weight. Not all, but some. She told me that they are likely jealous and have chosen shunning me as their way of shaming me for bettering myself. It hurts. Bad. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.

Has anyone else had this problem? Or did I just pick some really crummy people to be friends with?

Others, by the way, have been incredibly supportive, amazingly complimentary. I've even made some new friends! So, there are some great people in my life who are there for me; the true friends haven't done anything but support me and they've done so with zest.

Thanks for reading. I wish all of you the best on your beautiful weight loss journey.

[Pescador 1,374]

Move on, life is short. You can only change the way you allow people to treat you. I just got off FB forever. FB is out of my happy life forever. Real friends are friends forever. Congrats and good luck!!

[Dub 9,922]

Congrats on the new way of life and on getting healthy.

They weren't real friends......time to upgrade.

[KristenLe 5,979]

It sounds like they are being childish in their behaviors but maybe you are extra sensitive as well. FB can be an evil tool used by "mean girls" who never grew out of high school mode. Let them go! Hide their FB posts so they can't upset you. Hang on to those real friends and enjoy your new life!

[Valentina 2,642]

I've always believed the unwritten WLS rule that one should NOT make any life changing decisions for at least the first six months post op.

You've changed physically sure, but also mentally. Don't act drastically in any direction. Just let it be. What will be will be. (great lyrics for a song! ).

Leave your friendship door open just a wee bit. Don't burn your friendships bridges---not yet.

Maybe, just maybe friends will reunite on a different level---with better understanding and respect.

Be kind to yourself. You're worth it. You know it. I know it, and so do "they".

[Ebony Rose 133]

I've always believed the unwritten WLS rule that one should NOT make any life changing decisions for at least the first six months post op.

You've changed physically sure, but also mentally. Don't act drastically in any direction. Just let it be. What will be will be. (great lyrics for a song! ).

Leave your friendship door open just a wee bit. Don't burn your friendships bridges---not yet.

Maybe, just maybe friends will reunite on a different level---with better understanding and respect.

Be kind to yourself. You're worth it. You know it. I know it, and so do "they".

Great advice, congratulations on your weight loss. Amazing work and Good luck with your last 10 pounds xx

[ocgirl15 667]

I think it is good advice to leave the friendship door open.... But not following them on FB is good advice too. I think you can unfollow without unfriending. You need to get them out of your head for awhile so avoid their posts. Next LIVE and live well! If you tend to post adventures with your friends FB keep doing it! Don't let them think for a second they bother you. Live up it With your real friends and new friends. Post positive uplifting and the fun stuff on FB avoid the negative. Either after some time they will reach out or they won't. This process reveals who your real friends are. congrats on your success!

[ShelterDog64 2,364]

I agree with @Valentina...if they are truly good friends you enjoy spending time with, don't close that door yet. I have exactly ONE acquaintance, who is very obese, who put a lot of effort into talking me out of this surgery. I've put her aside for now, since I don't want to end our relationship, but she will NOT be a part of my life right now when I need positivity and support.

That said, anytime there's a change in a relationship I have with anyone I care about, the first thing I do is check my own attitude/behavior, to make sure it's not me. Especially when I'm going through some sort of turmoil/large change in my world...I can get a little snarky, snappy and withdrawn. Hell, who am I kidding? I'm always kind of snappy and snarky, it's the 'withdrawn' part that isn't 24/7

[theantichick 2,204]

I haven't lost anyone, and there have been other WLS in my group of friends so I'm not expecting to.

But it's interesting to see what other people think. My sister had VSG a few years ago. My parents were very apprehensive about me getting the surgery. Finally had them over for a chat and found out what was behind it. My sister lectures everyone about what they should do and should eat during meals and get-togethers, and talks constantly about what she can and cannot eat and why. (All the while drinking Coke... but that's another rant.) She has set the expectation that if I have this surgery, I won't be any fun to go out to dinner with or have family get-togethers with anymore. I assured them that it was just my sister... if I don't call attention to what I'm eating or not eating, it shouldn't matter to anyone. After the first couple of months, I don't need special food or accommodation, so it really doesn't need to be a topic of conversation, and I'm certainly not the food police for anyone buy myself.

I don't know your friends, but it could be as your therapist suggests. Having someone around them who has been successful with weight loss may make them feel bad. Or they may have had a bad experience with another WLS person that's carrying over. If they're close friends, reach out to them privately and ask them to lunch or something one on one and ask. If they're not close friends, do as others suggest and un-follow them on FB and move on.

[Womanvsmirror 314]

What i i found so far is my friends don't know what to do with me. I am 3 months post op so no drinking, I'm no longer excited or on the hunt for what restaurant, has the biggest portions for the best price. WLS has forced be to find a way to be social without food and liquor. My friends don't have to,k ive been told they feel bad if they are getting plastered and i cant. I have to keep explaining that drinking and food isnt that big of a deal, if i enjoy your company that is all that matters. But to someone who has not had surgery trying to explain that is hard.

Also for the overweight friends especially if they are bigger than where you started, getting WLS (fixing yourself ), is like saying that they need to be "fixed". keep in mind its an adjustment for them too.

This may sound nerdy but think about the movie Xmen...( not saying we are mutants ) But those who wanted the "CURE" were looked at as traitors. How dare you want to fix yourself right ?

[CSchulden 61]

Thank you all for your kind, supportive advice. I appreciate the positivity this forum provides. Have a beautiful day!

[IMissVegas 23]

It's 9 months after my surgery. I am down nearly 70 pounds, dropped from a size 20 and an XXL to an 8 and a M and I feel FANTASTIC! My confidence is up, my energy is through the roof and I now 'feel' thin (mentally and physically), even though I still have about 10 pounds to go until my ultimate goal. I'm even embarking on a new career path that I didn't have the confidence to pursue previously.

But, I'm losing friends. People who I've been friends with for YEARS suddenly don't have the time for me. They no longer invite me to parties, happy hours, birthday parties, etc yet they are happy to post where they've been and with whom on Facebook for me to find. They don't 'like' any of my social media posts anymore and none of it is weight loss centric (ok, so I made one comment about losing toe fat).

I talked to my therapist about it. Many of the people who have suddenly exited my life are over-weight. Not all, but some. She told me that they are likely jealous and have chosen shunning me as their way of shaming me for bettering myself. It hurts. Bad. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.

Has anyone else had this problem? Or did I just pick some really crummy people to be friends with?

Others, by the way, have been incredibly supportive, amazingly complimentary. I've even made some new friends! So, there are some great people in my life who are there for me; the true friends haven't done anything but support me and they've done so with zest.

Thanks for reading. I wish all of you the best on your beautiful weight loss journey.

This sounds alot like when I quit drinking years ago. My "friends" said I wasn't fun anymore and stopped inviting me anywhere. Maybe they thought I was judging them, but I wasn't. I found new friends, many in OA, and don't miss those old drinking buddies at all.

Sent from my SM-N920P using the BariatricPal App

[LisaMergs 2,854]

I'm going to first and foremost say I agree with what everyone above said.

Now, I'm going to play devils advocate:

Is it possible that whenever you speak to them, it has something to do with your surgery or weight loss? Are most of your FB posts about it too?

I ask for one reason- someone I know who had the surgery a few years ago went on and on with anyone and everyone they could- constantly. After about 6-8 months of this, people either turned their heads and rolled their eyes, avoided being around her, and often gossiped to one another about how sick and tired they were hearing about it. Woman STILL has no clue- and never got the message as she is still so absorbed in her weight loss and her surgery.

Please know I'm not saying you are like this- it's just another perspective.

Of course, if this IS an issue, you can still turn them off in your psyche if discussing it all of the time helps YOU.

Either and any which way- YOU be YOU- and enjoy yourself and all your accomplishments!

Good luck!!

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[CSchulden 61]

I'm going to first and foremost say I agree with what everyone above said.

Now, I'm going to play devils advocate:

Is it possible that whenever you speak to them, it has something to do with your surgery or weight loss? Are most of your FB posts about it too?

I ask for one reason- someone I know who had the surgery a few years ago went on and on with anyone and everyone they could- constantly. After about 6-8 months of this, people either turned their heads and rolled their eyes, avoided being around her, and often gossiped to one another about how sick and tired they were hearing about it. Woman STILL has no clue- and never got the message as she is still so absorbed in her weight loss and her surgery.

Please know I'm not saying you are like this- it's just another perspective.

Of course, if this IS an issue, you can still turn them off in your psyche if discussing it all of the time helps YOU.

Either and any which way- YOU be YOU- and enjoy yourself and all your accomplishments!

Good luck!!

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

Thanks so much! I appreciate your thoughts and your devil's advocate approach. That was/is a great concern of mine. I don't want to make my life all about weight loss. I take GREAT pains to make sure I avoid topics regarding my weight loss specifically for that very reason. I wouldn't want to be around me if all I did was talk about it. But, that said, I have posted a lot more pictures of myself lately with family, with my husband, etc. and perhaps she has interpreted those photos in the way that you're suggesting. That would make sense. Thank you for your perspective and good luck to you as well!

[CSchulden 61]

What i i found so far is my friends don't know what to do with me. I am 3 months post op so no drinking, I'm no longer excited or on the hunt for what restaurant, has the biggest portions for the best price. WLS has forced be to find a way to be social without food and liquor. My friends don't have to,k ive been told they feel bad if they are getting plastered and i cant. I have to keep explaining that drinking and food isnt that big of a deal, if i enjoy your company that is all that matters. But to someone who has not had surgery trying to explain that is hard.

Also for the overweight friends especially if they are bigger than where you started, getting WLS (fixing yourself ), is like saying that they need to be "fixed". keep in mind its an adjustment for them too.

This may sound nerdy but think about the movie Xmen...( not saying we are mutants ) But those who wanted the "CURE" were looked at as traitors. How dare you want to fix yourself right ?

I think you're on to something here. A lot of what our relationship revolved around was drinking and eating. Now, that's obviously changed. Maybe they don't know how to handle my new lifestyle and its changes. Thank you for this perspective; it is very helpful.