Advice needed

[ra_girl 1]

I started the process and hoping in November or December to be sleeved. My husband supports me with my decision and understands why I need to do this. He's not excited though, has fears of surgery and fears of changes in our lives. Did anyone have a spouse feeling this way and did you do anything to get them on board? He's always been fit and never had weight issues. Thanks

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[Armygalbonnie 643]

I will be having surgery in either Oct or Nov and I'm in a similar situation as you. My husband tells me he loves me the way I am, but he supports my decision for surgery because he knows it will help my joints. He worries about me with post-op pain; However, I've had numerous surgeries and I can handle it. I do worry that my husband will get jealous though, once I start losing weight. He already is!!!!! I don't want to lose weight for another man's attention but I know that will be on his mind. I just have to find ways to keep reminding him how much I love him. I know jealousy is not a good quality but it's part of his upbringing (Latin) to take care of his wife and I believe this is where it arises. He just doesn't want anyone to disrespect me or our marriage. It's going to be interesting.

[Pescador 1,374]

I was 67 when sleeved 3 years ago. One thing is for sure, I had no pain, was in the grocery store the day after surgery, spent less than a day in the hospital. I walked a mall four days later. never took a pain pill once I left the hospital. Any surgery is scary but I hope you have it easy like we did.

[BreannaW 50]

I started the process and hoping in November or December to be sleeved. My husband supports me with my decision and understands why I need to do this. He's not excited though, has fears of surgery and fears of changes in our lives. Did anyone have a spouse feeling this way and did you do anything to get them on board? He's always been fit and never had weight issues. Thanks

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

Good morning Ra_girl...

My husband has been completely supportive of the surgery but he has fears of the surgery process as well.

The one thing I have done to help get him and keep him on board his remind him of my long term goals. I remind him that he will be able to fit his arms around me tighter than he can now. I will be able to run, my knee will stop hurting when I workout. I will be able to feel more confident in myself. confidence in myself, will help me stop feeling like he is going to leave me because i am overweight.

Just remind him of how this change will benefit him as well and reassure him that you wont leave when you get thinner. Reassure him that this is the journey you feel is best for the BOTH of you and this is going to be a good thing.

Tell him to find a support group on the bariatric pal website or on Facebook so he can get reassurance from other spouses. Men are a lot more insecure than we know and when they feel insecure or threatened by changes, it tends to make them not be 100% supportive in a positive way... and they definitely dont mean it to be that way...

Ask him if there is something you can do, say or research to make him feel better... thats what i had to do. I had to sit down and research all his fears about the surgery and we talked about them and how we can avoid them, and it made him feel better.

FYI, this is all based on my own husbands actions and feelings. Its taken a while for me to break his barriers down since starting this process and now he cant wait to see how this surgery benefits me. Hope this helps!

[okiegirl1980 73]

@@ra_girl @@Armygalbonnie We are all on a similar timeline!!! I get where you are both coming from and your husbands have reason to be anxious...wls can lead to martial issues. That does not mean that it will in your case. My husband is uber supportive but little things he says makes me know that he is anxious about the attention of other men. We all need to have candid conversations about the surgery perks and not so lovely perks. An open,direct and honest conversation is the way to go. If you need to have a buffer see a therapist. You are a team and should be working through all this before, during and after wls. I'd love to connect w. you both and compare if you are interested.

[frozengrapes 50]

My husband is only worried about the actual surgery and recovery. He knows this will be a big life style change for both of us and im sure he is a little apprehensive about it. He is not worried about me getting thin, he is not worried about other men. He wants me to be happy and confident like I was when I met him. He also knows this is good for my health issues and wants me around.

My surgery is today and he is quietly nervous. (so am I)

Remember this is about you!

[ojibway 203]

My wife wasn't to happy with my decision on having surgery a year ago, I cancelled that surgery. THIS time around she is very supportive, SHE knows I need this tool, I am not very active, not by choice but by limited mobility, I've had 4 different knee surgeries and can only walk for exercise. NO treadmills, stair climbing etc. My weight has been as high as 370 lbs to as low as 240 when we were married. It took some time for my wife to come around with the realization that I need to do something for myself. Please discus every possibility with your future and current health with your spouse. Communication is key to getting your spouses support! plus my kids 17,13 and 11 are very supportive too! GOOD LUCK! I'm having my surgery on the 30th of Aug.

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@ra_girl @@Armygalbonnie We are all on a similar timeline!!! I get where you are both coming from and your husbands have reason to be anxious...wls can lead to martial issues. That does not mean that it will in your case. My husband is uber supportive but little things he says makes me know that he is anxious about the attention of other men. We all need to have candid conversations about the surgery perks and not so lovely perks. An open,direct and honest conversation is the way to go. If you need to have a buffer see a therapist. You are a team and should be working through all this before, during and after wls. I'd love to connect w. you both and compare if you are interested.

^^^^ This

Weight loss surgery can be very difficult on relationships. It's important to communicate. The divorce rate is high after Bariatric Surgery.

[Pescador 1,374]

My wife wasn't to happy with my decision on having surgery a year ago, I cancelled that surgery. THIS time around she is very supportive, SHE knows I need this tool, I am not very active, not by choice but by limited mobility, I've had 4 different knee surgeries and can only walk for exercise. NO treadmills, stair climbing etc. My weight has been as high as 370 lbs to as low as 240 when we were married. It took some time for my wife to come around with the realization that I need to do something for myself. Please discus every possibility with your future and current health with your spouse. Communication is key to getting your spouses support! plus my kids 17,13 and 11 are very supportive too! GOOD LUCK! I'm having my surgery on the 30th of Aug.

I was terrified for my husband, but I was more terrified that I had to call Rescue so often because he was unconscious from. Blood sugar of 40. Over 15 years of WL seminars, the sleeve has changed our lives. We now have a life. Best wishes!

[amyflores 23]

Anything can change a relationship if you let it (I refuse!)

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[Michaiah Halley 0]

My spouse wants to have the surgery, and I'm sturggling to support his decision. I know he needs to lose weight for his health but as a medical student I know the risks. I also lost 100lbs with diet and excercise, so I feel really disrespected by his choice to do this. I know it's not an easy way out, and I know I should support him but I just can't find it within myself to do it.

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@Michaiah Halley I encourage you to continue reading some of the threads on this forum. It's not fair to compare your situations with him and his decision has nothing to do with your weight loss achievements. As a medical student, I'm assuming you also know the risks of obesity. If you look into the statistics of someone losing weight on their own - only 5% are able to maintain that weight loss. Some of us find it near impossible to lose weight at all - never mind keep it off.

I hope that you can support his decision once you've researched more of how this surgery has saved many lives.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

My spouse wants to have the surgery, and I'm sturggling to support his decision. I know he needs to lose weight for his health but as a medical student I know the risks. I also lost 100lbs with diet and excercise, so I feel really disrespected by his choice to do this. I know it's not an easy way out, and I know I should support him but I just can't find it within myself to do it.

Why would YOU feel disrespected? I wasn't aware that someone else's choices related to being healthy have anything to do with you? You have different bodies, different life experience. Just curious.

[Michaiah Halley 0]

My spouse wants to have the surgery, and I'm sturggling to support his decision. I know he needs to lose weight for his health but as a medical student I know the risks. I also lost 100lbs with diet and excercise, so I feel really disrespected by his choice to do this. I know it's not an easy way out, and I know I should support him but I just can't find it within myself to do it.

Why would YOU feel disrespected? I wasn't aware that someone else's choices related to being healthy have anything to do with you? You have different bodies, different life experience. Just curious.

I feel like he's cheating the process of losing the weight, like he just needs to work harder or needs to find more will power to correct his diet. He gets jealous of my achievement and wants the same thing right now. I feel like him doing it by surgical means would diminish how hard I had to work at losing the weight. I don't feel he at all meets the medical criteria that I would recommend this to a patient.

[ojibway 203]

My spouse wants to have the surgery, and I'm sturggling to support his decision. I know he needs to lose weight for his health but as a medical student I know the risks. I also lost 100lbs with diet and excercise, so I feel really disrespected by his choice to do this. I know it's not an easy way out, and I know I should support him but I just can't find it within myself to do it.

Why would YOU feel disrespected? I wasn't aware that someone else's choices related to being healthy have anything to do with you? You have different bodies, different life experience. Just curious.

I feel like he's cheating the process of losing the weight, like he just needs to work harder or needs to find more will power to correct his diet. He gets jealous of my achievement and wants the same thing right now. I feel like him doing it by surgical means would diminish how hard I had to work at losing the weight. I don't feel he at all meets the medical criteria that I would recommend this to a patient.

My spouse wants to have the surgery, and I'm sturggling to support his decision. I know he needs to lose weight for his health but as a medical student I know the risks. I also lost 100lbs with diet and excercise, so I feel really disrespected by his choice to do this. I know it's not an easy way out, and I know I should support him but I just can't find it within myself to do it.

Why would YOU feel disrespected? I wasn't aware that someone else's choices related to being healthy have anything to do with you? You have different bodies, different life experience. Just curious.

I feel like he's cheating the process of losing the weight, like he just needs to work harder or needs to find more will power to correct his diet. He gets jealous of my achievement and wants the same thing right now. I feel like him doing it by surgical means would diminish how hard I had to work at losing the weight. I don't feel he at all meets the medical criteria that I would recommend this to a patient.

you know it isn't about you right?

Edited October 12, 2016 by ojibway