Umm, how do you tell your daughter she might need this?

[lifeofblair 308]

I wish my mom supported my WLS sooner. I know I would have been upset though if out of the blue she said I needed it. I knew she had it when I was 16. But I'm glad I had it at 23, just wish I had done it when I was 18 or so.

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[Babbs 14,681]

Heh, OK so I'm in my early 30s which frankly can be a world of difference from 24 (certainly is a world of difference from where I was at at 24) but to be completely honest I started looking into surgery because my mom suggested it. I would never tell her that though =)

She is the person who wants me to lose weight most in the world, and comments on my weight constantly and has my whole life. We were watching some tv show together where one of the characters had the sleeve and lost a ton of weight. She turned to me and said "why can't you do something like that? you have to do something!"

I waved her off like I usually do but secretly started looking up the surgery that night. I had never heard of the sleeve before.

So, I disagree with some of the others here who say you can't say anything. You sound like a way more supportive and loving parent than my mom and it worked when SHE suggested it.

How mortifying. I will NEVER comment about my kids' weight to them like that. They already know they have weight issues. What good does constantly reminding them about do except make them feel like sh*t?

[siera63 94]

Please please don't make "honest comments" about your child's weight. It is mentally, and emotionally devastating. And brings dark thoughts to mind about their unconditional love parents are suppose to have for their children.

My story:

About 18 months after finishing chemo treatment for breast cancer. I was determined to lose the 92 lbs I gained in 2 years of chemo. I had lose 38 lbs and was super happy about it. {Enter parents for a visit} I joyfully tell them the news 38 lbs gone! The response? "Sweetie, your mother and I will love you when you are thin". My mind raced crazy. Umm. 'When I'm thin'? WTF? The gatekeeper in my head must have taken leave cause I became crazed. I went off about unconditional love of children. I even made my dad repeat the following : "sweetie, we are so proud and happy that all your hard work is paying off. You look great. We love you." With tears streaming I stood there glaring at them. I was emotionally and mentally destroyed after all I'd been thru in the previous 2 1/2 years with little or no support thru therapy, not even helping with my then 7 yr old. Not even bringing a meal on the crappyist chemo days. Only daily arguing with me about my cancer treatment decisions and how badly I am raising my son. Frustrating, fatiguing, demoralizing .

I ran out of the room. I sat on the porch in my rocker for hours trying to forgive them, praying my catholic ass off for that and my own peace. My husband called them later and told them that there is now a list of things that will not be discussed: "politics, sex, drugs, medical decisions, discipline of our kid and the weight of anyone in this house. List subject to change." He hung up and I laughed harder then ever before.

The bottom line- Tough love sux. If you have nothing nice to say, shut up. What you mean and what you say are sometimes 2 different things. And finally, engage brain before engaging mouth.

Peace & Love everyone.

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[MayMarie 349]

My dad had surgery about 4 or 5 years before me. At one point he asked me if I had ever thought about it and gave me the binders from his surgeon's program. That's the only time we had ever talked about it. I had thought about surgery before that and thought about it for a few years after but I was pretty young (19 or 20) and it didn't seem plausible at that point. I had surgery at the beginning of the year, a few weeks before my 24th birthday.

Only you know the relationship between you and your daughter. A one time, "have you ever thought about it?" probably isn't going to hurt anything and is your safest bet if you feel like you have to initiate the conversation.

[sharonintx 1,275]

I agree with saying nothing. She'll bring it up when she's ready.

[Heather I 500]

I think a huge majority of people on this site have had family members do serious damage regarding weight discussions over the years.

I will say, I wanted the surgery a long time before going for it because I thought I had to have a BMI of 40+. I didn't know comorbidities counted to bring the number down to 35.

IDK if your daughter is in the grey zone of 35-40, but maybe mentioning apnea, diabetes, joint issues, BP, etc., can get surgery approved before letting it spiral out of control (only IF it can be introduced naturally into conversation,) might be a helpful thing for her to know.

So IF she complains about snoring, exhaustion, cracking joints, fearing yearly physicals, missing out on age-related activities due to physical limitations, etc., etc., you could maybe offer to talk to her about your surgery if she is interested and let her know your biggest regret (and many others') is not doing this sooner, before you've caused permanent harm to joints, become Type II, had fertility issues, etc.

If she's mid 20s, dating, weddings, spring break/Mardi Gras, bridesmaid dresses, pool parties, etc., etc., I'm sure has been impacted by her weight. She will seek you out in due course I bet if she knows it's a safe place to land:-)

[LipstickLady 25,682]

My mom is one of those naturally skinny people who has never crossed out of the size 6 zone and even then, it was when she was 9 months pregnant with me. She was regularly called "chicken legs", "sticks", "skinny minnie" (which I think is equally damaging) all her life because of her build.

She never talked about my weight other than to call me "Chunky Monkey" when I was a kid. As I grew older, it was never discussed at all.

That said, she sure as hell made derogatory comments about fat people whenever we were out. She was disgusted by the rolls, or made remarks on the quantity random people were eating or how unflattering their clothes were, etc. ALL.THE.TIME. It wasn't occasionally, it was constant. FInally, one day I turned to her and said, "You DO realize that I'm way fatter than the lady you just insulted, right?". She just looked at me like I was stupid. It was almost as if she never saw it on me. AND...she didn't stop the commentary.

Sigh...

[Clementine Sky 708]

I love my 24 year old daughter. She is smart, funny, loving, successful et.al. But she has her parent's gene's. I had the advantage of being in the military when I was her age, and her mom didn't get really overweight until after kids. But she ballooned up in middle school and never has gotten her weight under control. I suspect WLS could be a huge benefit, yet she has not brought up the subject to me and I don't really want to start the conversation either. Any suggestions? (BTW, 3/4's of my kids have kept their weight within reason, it's just my oldest daughter who really has the problem, and I think it was because of some serious stress issues at the wrong moment in her life).

I would only bring up WLS to her if you have the means and the willingness to assist her, not just emotionally but financially if necessary, should she decide to pursue it. She's witnessed how your surgery transformed your life for the better, so she's already in possession of knowledge of its benefits. I'd be surprised if she wasn't acutely aware of her weight. It's conceivable that she actually has considered WLS for herself, but doesn't have the means for it to be a feasible option.

Apologies for writing about myself here, but I thought it might be useful.

The door to having WLS was opened in my mind in the spring of 2015 when my endocrinologist told me that having VSG had benefitted other women my age and size who struggled with PCOS-related fertility issues. She gave me assurances about the safety and efficacy of the surgery, and made it seem like it was something attainable and sensible for me. My hope soared. It then came crashing down after I consulted with surgeons who were willing to perform the VSG on me but would charge $29,000 to $35,000 for it because my BMI was under 35 and my expensive insurance policy wasn't going to shell out a single red cent for it. I spent considerable time researching insurance policies trying to see if I could switch to one that would cover it if I gained some weight to cross over the 35 threshold, and just hit dead ends. From reading about experiences on here, even people who have higher BMIs and co-morbitidies are either flat-out denied coverage, or strangled by insurance red tape. Prior to the conversation with my endocrinologist, I was very self-conscious about my size, but was able to mentally comfort myself with that thought that I wasn't "that big" (size 14 at the time). After having my doctor tell me that I actually was at a size that qualified me for being a WLS candidate and then finding out that the prohibitive costs of the surgery were so far beyond my reach, my self esteem about my body image plummeted even lower. I even gained more weight during that time, in part because of thinking that it could lead to a better chance of getting insurance approval, but also as a salve. I am still grateful that the endocrinologist told me about VSG, and I'm grateful for this forum and others like it for helping me to feel more confident about going to Mexico for surgery where it's a fraction of the cost. I'm grateful that my mom actually paid for the surgery for me, because even though my husband and I have professional jobs, we also have six figure grad school debt.

I don't want to project my own feelings onto you and your daughter, but just make you aware of possible reactions. If she knows you think she's at a high enough weight to need weight loss surgery, but then finds out she cannot afford the surgery, it could be counterproductive.

[higher 966]

Heh, OK so I'm in my early 30s which frankly can be a world of difference from 24 (certainly is a world of difference from where I was at at 24) but to be completely honest I started looking into surgery because my mom suggested it. I would never tell her that though =)

She is the person who wants me to lose weight most in the world, and comments on my weight constantly and has my whole life. We were watching some tv show together where one of the characters had the sleeve and lost a ton of weight. She turned to me and said "why can't you do something like that? you have to do something!"

I waved her off like I usually do but secretly started looking up the surgery that night. I had never heard of the sleeve before.

So, I disagree with some of the others here who say you can't say anything. You sound like a way more supportive and loving parent than my mom and it worked when SHE suggested it.

How mortifying. I will NEVER comment about my kids' weight to them like that. They already know they have weight issues. What good does constantly reminding them about do except make them feel like sh*t?

It wasn't mortifying, because we were alone, and also because my weight was a regular topic. At this point, I was more than used to it. What good did it do? Well, as I said it's what got me to look into surgery which I had never considered before. And although I'm only 6 weeks out I'm very happy with my decision to have surgery.

I think parents who are/were overweight themselves are in a BETTER position to discuss obesity with their children than parents like my mom who is thin. This is because they understand the complex web of issues that are the cause of obesity in a way that others can't. Maybe there's a tactful way to broach the subject. Just offering a different perspective than most of the other comments here.

Is my mom a total b about my weight? Sure. Is she incapable of speaking to me about it in a respectful, supportive, caring way? Probably. But I've spent enough time soul searching alone and in therapy to understand that she has her own issues that come from her own struggles and demons and that's why she speaks that way. So I forgive her.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Thanks for the input. She is settling down in her new job and staying with me a few weeks during the transition. I can pay for it if she wants to have it. She is kind of surprised by how little I eat. But she knows where I was, and where I am now. I'll keep the ball in her court. I thought that just being a good dad was the best course, but glad to get the insight from others (esp. the ladies).

[Babbs 14,681]

@@higher

Fair enought, though you're a much bigger (figuratively speaking lol) person than I and a lot of people who have had to deal with family members unwanted comments about thier weight. You're obviously the type that was motivated by it, and that's okay, too. I just sometimes wonder if parents comments and 'concern' for their children's weight stems more from their desire to control and not from a true place of love?

I dunno. It's not an easy subject to tackle.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

I thought that just being a good dad was the best course,

You're right there. Until you began this topic, I knew only of your 16-year old. Your respect for your children is palpable and will always take you far. You know that.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@Babbs - No kidding young lady. I'd rather talk about hair and boobs than weight.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@Babbs - No kidding young lady. I'd rather talk about hair and boobs than weight.

Which reminds me: Part of your job as a "good dad" is to teach her what baboons men can be.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

I thought that just being a good dad was the best course,

You're right there. Until you began this topic, I knew only of your 16-year old. Your respect for your children is palpable and will always take you far. You know that.

I have four kids. The two boys are in college, and for the moment the two young ladies are living with me. And they are great kids. Very blessed indeed. They all have their own lives, but I'm glad they still enjoy staying in touch and we all want to be part of each other's lives. That is vitally important to everyone: http://www.techtimes.com/articles/174528/20160822/close-family-relationships-more-important-than-friendship-in-extending-seniors-life-expectancy.htm