Lost a Friend This Weekend

[JamieLogical 8,727]

I got word this morning that one of my coworkers and friends passed away over the weekend. Details are still sketchy, since most news is coming second or third-hand, but his death has hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to leave work as soon as I found out, because I just couldn't stop crying. He was in his early 40's, had a wife and a young daughter. I immediately assumed he died suddenly due to some complication from obesity. He was probably over 350 pounds and not very tall. As I said, I don't know anything for sure yet. But he had JUST had a conversation last week with another one of my friends/coworkers about how he and his wife were trying to do everything they could to give their daughter a leg up on life, since they didn't know how long they would be around for her.

He and I had talked a lot about weight loss and getting healthy over the years. Back in 2009 my sister-in-law died of a pulmonary embolism at the age of 41, which prompted me to try to get very serious about losing weight. I managed to lose 90 pounds by summer of 2011 and Ron was very encouraging to me. We talked a lot about how much hard work I was putting in. And he started calling me "Skinny" every time he saw me.

I eventually regained almost all of that weight before my VSG, but we continued to talk about weight loss once in a while. And he noticed once I started losing weight again after my VSG and encouraged me with my running.

In my grief today, I couldn't help but feel a little "mad" at him. He knew he had weight and health problems. He knew that those things might take him out of his daughter's life too soon. Yet he didn't really do much about it that I could tell. Had he been willing to have WLS, he might still be here right now for his daughter!

So this brings me to another thought. I have another very good friend/coworker who is also obese. He's both older and bigger than Ron was. He has chronic knee, back, and neck pain. He's always complaining about how he doesn't sleep well at night because of the pain he's in. Yet, of all of the people I told about my WLS, he was the most against it. Even two years post-op, he still acts like it was a bad decision. And now, in light of what has happened with Ron, I want to shake some sense into him and try to convince him that he should seriously consider WLS. There's no way he makes it to 60 and he's already in his late 40's! I know having such a talk with him would probably doom our friendship and might not have any effect on him. But I can't help but think about how much I might regret NOT having that conversation with him if something happens to him they way it did with Ron.

[sharkgirl 251]

I'm sorry for your loss. IMO, I don't think you should say anything to your co-worker, people have to be ready to make the choice about losing weight. You really just need to pray that the death of your co-worker is the catalyst to get him to do something.

[JamieLogical 8,727]

I'm sorry for your loss. IMO, I don't think you should say anything to your co-worker, people have to be ready to make the choice about losing weight. You really just need to pray that the death of your co-worker is the catalyst to get him to do something.

Yeah. I know that it's really hit home with my other friend at least. He was one of the last people to see Ron alive. If nothing else, maybe it will get him thinking and maybe he'll come to me as a resource?

[DeletedMember 715]

I'm very sorry for your loss, it's very tragic that someone so young has died and left behind children. My heart goes out to those kids as well.

This hits close to home being 42 and 333lbs at the beginning of this year (194 today).

My kids were a main driver for me to make this decision. I want to be around for them well into adulthood if I can.

That being said, I think you are right to wait for him to approach you should he choose to do so, and then be a great resource for him.

I knew I was fat for decades, and I generally resented people who felt the need to remind me of that (and continually shocked at how many people felt it was their place to do so). I needed to come to this place on my own terms. I also see a lot of people who say they wish they had done it sooner, but for me, 42 was the right time. I think I would have struggled more with the changes when I was younger, and not sure I would have had the same success (although I am bordering on paranoid about regain - even though I am still not to maintenance!).

[KristenLe 5,980]

@@JamieLogical I'm so sorry! Unfortunately, you have to let people decide what's best for them and many of us make excuses as to why we are different (than the person who just died or had a heart attack, etc) and that won't happen to us. Praying for you and your friend's family!

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@JamieLogical

I'm sorry for your loss. Like other people have said he has to come to it in his own time and his own way. It won't hurt to say something to him about WLS but I wouldn't push it.

[higher 966]

That really sucks, I am sorry for your loss.

[Hiraeth 515]

I am so sorry about your friend. I really hate that happened. But I am proud of you for losing the weight. Now you are healthier and that's so great.

Honestly, it sounds like your other friend is against it because he's either scared, or he doesn't want to make changes because eating is what makes him happy. I don't know your friend enough to tell you whether or not you should talk to him. He seems very stubborn and unwilling to make any changes.

[James Marusek 5,244]

I am sorry to hear of your loss. But sometimes the decisions of others are beyond our control. But I do remember one time when I changed someones life and I did it with shock.

This happened almost a half century ago. We were about to have our first child and were doing it through natural childbirth. We were having the birth, the Bradley Method. I had close friends Nathan and Gloria. They were married and she became pregnant about a month or two after my wife. They were both obese and she was having a hard time with the pregnancy. Nathan was completely oblivious to his wife's pregnancy and this was driving Gloria crazy and furious. We tried to encourage them to attend natural childbirth classes together to bring them closer together, but it was a lost cause.

Now my wife was a month overdue. She had gained the weight of 52.5 pounds at full term. She was only 95 pounds at the beginning of her pregnancy. For the past several months, we were getting daily calls from Nathan and Gloria about status. We were even getting calls from Gloria's parents. It was putting way too much pressure on my wife. Well, Nathan and Gloria were going away to visit with his parents for the weekend. Thank goodness! Saturday morning arrived, my wife got up and said it was time. I took her to the hospital, she had our child by around noon and walked back from the delivery table. She spent one night in the hospital and then I took her home.

Late afternoon on Sunday, we got a call from Nathan and Gloria. "How is everything?" I said, "The contractions are getting stronger. Oh, by the way, we bought some new shutters for the front window, would you like to come over and see them?" Well I knew Nathan and Gloria could not refuse an invitation to come and visit. They showed up about 15 minutes later. I staged my wife in the middle room on a recliner nursing the new child.

Nathan was a talker. The first time we met we had a 4 hour conversation. Not much of a conversation, he spoke for 4 hours and I listened. Once and awhile I would interject a few words in order to change the subject, but he picked up the new subject and spoke for another hour. That was the way he was - full of excitement and enthusiasm.

They arrived and I brought them into the first room and showed them the shutters. Then we walked into the middle room. Nathan was in full stride talking 90 miles an hour when he turned the corner. He stopped. Dead stopped. I could see the wheels in his head literally turning. He saw my wife sitting on the recliner holding a toy baby. Why is she holding a doll? No, it moved. It's alive, it's a baby. They had a child. He didn't say a word for around 2 minutes. I think it set a world record.

Up to that time, Gloria had been making a big point about all the complications with her pregnancy. It was causing a lot of friction between them. But this experience showed them that it wasn't such a big deal. Life happens. Children happen. And it happens naturally.

After that Nathan and Gloria signed up for classes and a few months later Nathan was in the delivery room welcoming the birth of his new child.

[Dub 10,070]

Very sorry you lost your friend.

It does put you with a tough decision.

Likely the other coworker knows he's at risk and anything you say may not make a dent in his resolve to live as he is.

[Hiraeth 515]

Very sorry you lost your friend.

It does put you with a tough decision.

Likely the other coworker knows he's at risk and anything you say may not make a dent in his resolve to live as he is.

Exactly! It sounds like her coworker is bitter about the whole thing because he knows he's at risk.

[Dub 10,070]

Very sorry you lost your friend.

It does put you with a tough decision.

Likely the other coworker knows he's at risk and anything you say may not make a dent in his resolve to live as he is.

Exactly! It sounds like her coworker is bitter about the whole thing because he knows he's at risk.

I know I surely was in the months leading up to my decision to have wls.

I was pissed at the fact that I"d lost 120 lbs a couple years before and felt great....only to have to sideline it while recovering from a gym related accident that led to surgery.....and failed with my diet and exercise afterwards and gained it all back....and more.

Now....very glad to have made a positive move with the wls and I have been open and honest with everyone about the methods I employed to get here. It's lead to some serious conversations with a few people who've gone on to chose wls as well.

These folks that went to wls knew it was their time and sought me out. They mainly had questions over the logistics of the procedure, billing and how daily life differs now.

[JamieLogical 8,727]

I get so frustrated that there is such a negative stigma around WLS. It saves lives! Lots of them! And it could save a lot more if people weren't so opposed to doing it for fear of judgement.

I feel like with my friend, all of his negativity is because he thinks surgery is the "easy way out" and because he can't imagine giving up all the foods he loves. I eat lunch with him multiple times a week. He sees that I can still eat great food, I just have to eat a lot less of it. And even that isn't convincing him that the sacrifice is worth it.