My mind is completely sabotaging me!

[shrinkingnicola 8]

Hi everyone! I need some help. Please help!

Just some background about me - I'm bipolar and have complex PTSD. I've had tons of hospitalizations and day treatment and stuff, but I've been doing well for 5 or 6 years and had sleeve surgery 8 months ago. Often, my negative self-talk sabotages my efforts and I've been stuck now for quite some time. With the complex PTSD, self-talk can be such a bear, and you work with it and work with it and it is like an abusive partner you can never get rid of.

So here's the problem. After losing about 75 pounds, I hit a really bad plateau and had some really difficult stuff happening emotionally and went on a vacation (and my mother was always so strict about food intake that any trip feels like a massive excuse to have a food party) where I ate lots of junk. Then I've been constantly feeling hungry, maybe due to acid or ulcer issues ( Will soon be having tests) so I've eaten extra (grazing or eating extra snacks) and I feel I've stretched my stomach or something and maybe screwed everything up, although my nutritionist promises me this is not so. Then I started to feel like it's all over - that I've gotten as far as I can and I've screwed it all up and can't fix it. I know comparing isn't helpful but I feel like "everyone else" has done so much better than me. I feel like I've lost my motivation and I can't understand why/how that could happen after going through a massive, potentially life-threatening surgery. My body image is so messed up, I feel really huge and that's demotivating. Then when I feel ashamed, I eat. For the last week, I've been on vacation with my family and just eaten whatever because I can't fight all this while on vacation with 2 food addicts. Including an 11 y.o. who loves I've cream and pizza and while at amusement parks where temptations abound. I tell myself I shouldn't be eating this, and that's as far as anything goes before I'm just dismissing that notion and putting the food in my mouth. What's wrong with me?

I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, a personal trainer, and other good supports. But they can't be with me 24/7. I'm a very spiritual, but not religious person and think I can maybe work with this on that level. Anyway, sorry for rambling. I'd appreciate ANY advice about how to work with my mind to turn things around.

Thanks so much. Sorry this was so long.

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[James Marusek 5,244]

Two things come to mind.

1. As your meal volume increased after surgery, if you concentrated on consuming high Protein meals, then you can begin to offload the number of Protein supplements (protein shakes/protein bars) that you are consuming to meet your daily protein requirement. These supplements not only contain protein but also extra calories. This helped me break a few stalls along my weight loss.

2. I am 3 years post-op RNY gastric bypass surgery. At around 7 months post-op, I transitioned from the weight loss phase into the maintenance phase. The goals and objectives of the maintenance phase are different than the weight loss phase. And it takes a different strategy. Sleeve patients tend to be in the weight loss phase much longer than RNY patients. Some loose weight for 2 years and achieve the same weight loss as RNY patients. This article describes my experience with the maintenance phase. http://www.breadandbutterscience.com/Surgery2.pdf

I probably don't need to remind you that if you want to achieve your weight loss goals, then you need to follow the plan the surgeon's office gave you. It sounds like you are already beating yourself up already about this.

[LuvyDee 24]

I don't have advice, but I do pray that you are able to get the support and answers you need. Just know that you didn't come this far to let a few bad moments sabotage the rest of your life.

I truly respect and understand that your emotions and background is totally different than mine, but what I have found helpful is writing in my diary. I list all my challenges and my goals. Then I write a letter to my "selves" ... the good side and the bad side. For me, it helps to put my thoughts on paper. This is something simple that may not work for everyone.

You will still have to find a way to get back on track. I know with family gatherings, it's hard. We took vacation to beach, I pack foods specifically for me so I wouldn't feel deprived.

Again, keep faith you yourself. Know that we all fail a time or two. Reach out to your support team and therapist, and develop a plan that will work for you.

Many blessings!

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[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

I have no personal experience with bipolar (except for a moment here and there through the decades which, I suppose, make me a rank amateur) or PTSD, so I have nothing that may be answers. I will throw out a few thoughts in no particular order with the hope they resonate for you.

Are you working on these new issues with your therapist? Does the therapist have some knowledge of eating disorders?

You don't mention medication, but I'm guessing that you have meds. Might it be time to re-evaluate the dosage(s) or the meds themselves?

If your vacation is heavy with amusement parks and other stimulating environments, it may help to redirect your family so that you can also have less hectic times. If not, are you able or willing to spend some time on your own while they do the boisterous things? An hour or so in soothing surroundings may make a difference.

Have you tried meditation? I haven't, but it's been on my list for ages. I have yet to check the emails myself, so can't vouch for the quality, but this website is about meditation and other matters that align with weight loss. Of course he's promoting sales of his own materials, but there should be enough in the site alon that's useful. Right now he's running a free, 21-day meditation for weight loss series; I'm subscribed but haven't clicked in. http://www.thegabrielmethod.com/

As an adult, are you now able to cast off your mother's martinet stance on food intake? She sounds like a heavy load to carry around.

[Djmohr 6,965]

I have never experienced the illnesses that you speak of. I just really wanted to reaffirm that you are worth it!

I know you can do it because you already lost 75lbs. I am guessing you did that mostly by sticking to the plan. It won't happen for you if you don't realize that you are worth it and get back on track. I think you likely already know that.

As far as stretching your tummy, not so. If you were to start tomorrow as if it were the day after surgery and get all the toxins out of your body by following the liquid diet for a few days, you would once again feel your original restriction. You simply have to do it.

I really hope you get the proper therapy that keeps you from throwing the baby out with the bath Water. We all have bad days where we go off plan. I don't think there is a person on this site that hasn't or won't. The important thing is you get back on track as soon as you recognize a slip and don't assume that you are broken and cannot be fixed because you can.

It is however up to you to want to make that change. You are worth it! You just have to see that you are worth it and work on those issues that Mama put into your head. I came from a family of "clean your plate" or else and my family is Italian so what was on the plate wasn't always the best options. So I either cleaned my plate or slept at the dinner table and had my dinner for Breakfast. I no longer ever clean my plate. It is my way of simply knowing I don't have to.

Please take care of you. Make an appointment with your therapist and your dietician ASAP. And try going back to the diet you had to follow right out of surgery for a few days, it will help you.

[shrinkingnicola 8]

Answers to some questions:

Meds: my meds are often adjusted for best optimization but cannot take care of everything.

Therapy: I don't have an eating disorder therapist, but he is the most gifted therapist I've ever met and knows a great deal about trauma and addiction and body work as well. However, the shortcoming of our therapy is a lack of structure with problem solving.

Meditating: I have those meditations that were suggested but never got into them. I've just started a Zen / Mindfulness group that holds a lot of promise, but having the discipline to practice at home ...

Mother: I have no contact with her currently but she will always be a heavy burden to bear.

Diary; good idea. I'll try it. I'm also trying to do some recovery scrapbooking and make a running list of all NSVs.

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[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

Therapy:, the shortcoming of our therapy is a lack of structure with problem solving.

just started a Zen / Mindfulness group that holds a lot of promise, but having the discipline to practice at home ...

Mother: I have no contact with her currently but she will always be a heavy burden to bear.

Diary; good idea. I'll try it. I'm also trying to do some recovery scrapbooking and make a running list of all NSVs.

My apology, as I seem not to have communicated well. Rather than asking for answers, I was hoping the question marks would point at things you might find useful to consider. My intention now is the same.

"...having the discipline" -- Some new habits take effort to develop. It often helps to schedule the activity at the same time every day. "10:00 a.m Everyone is out, the house is quiet, time for meditation." When I need to play games with myself to go forward with something, I'll concoct whatever works. That's how I got from initial info seminar to the OR for bariatric surgery, every step of the way.

It is possible to unburden ourselves of bad weight, such as martinet mothers or other toxic people, whether we choose to associate with them again or not. A saddle doesn't have to forever. Again, not easy, but it can be done. I'm not sure, but I suspect that reordering priorities may have a role. Taking a hard, close, disinterested look at the offending party may also help cut him/her down to size.

I'm glad the journal suggestion struck a chord. Your idea for a running list of NSVs sounds great. A running list of things that give you pleasure, whether great, slight or between, can also be a boost. I'm also a fan of thinking about or doing things that are just a little less about me and a little more about others when depression (I have a history) is getting the better of me.

[shrinkingnicola 8]

The other thing too is my physical addiction to sugar. That's probably worse than all the psychological stuff, with cravings that are like a screaming 3 year old. Once I have a thought about consuming something junky, the thoughts don't stop until I've eaten that thing. Quitting sugar is harder than quitting any other substance. But I've done it before. Why can't I do it now? Aarghh!

[Djmohr 6,965]

@

That is exactly why you need to detox. You have to get that sugar addiction under control. I can only share what worked for me but maybe others have ideas.

What worked for me was a lengthy liquid Protein diet in which I was allowed up to 5 SF Protein shakes per day, and Clear liquids as long as they were sugar free. I use homemade chicken broth, SF Popsicles, crystal light, Water, SF Jello. For me I was on it for 2 weeks but honestly I didn't even care after 4 days.

If you can detox from the sugar, you will feel much better and it will be easier to follow the food plan. Only you can decide if you are ready to start again.

[shrinkingnicola 8]

Djmohr, I might give that a whirl, thanks. Maybe not for 2 weeks bc out was hard enough the first time, after surgery. But a system reset sounds like a helpful idea.

[band2sleeve2014 15]

I do not have bipolar or ptsd but do struggle with sugar issues and some depression. This book and the tools it offers really helped me to control my sugar cravings and get back on track. Busy, Stressed and food Obsessed by Lisa Lewtan. I still struggle but this along with my sleeve, this forum, and the guidance of my surgeons office do help. I wish you the best!

[beckygensel 3]

A good book for the spiritual battle of this is Made To Crave by Lysa Terkquirst (sp?)

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[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Since you have a good support team (medical and therapist) and consider yourself a spiritual person, have you considered attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings, too? OA can be a tremendous help with food addiction with tools and resources to help you deal with many of the challenges you are facing. You can find meeting lists (in person and via phone, all over the world), podcasts, literature, and other resources online at OA.org.

[kizzmia 8]

I pray that you find something to work. I'm very spiritual, as is therapist... I've been with her a couple years before even considering surgery. I also suffer from PTSD. She introduced me to tapping. It really helps. Check it out. It may help you.

http://www.thetappingsolution.com/what-is-eft-tapping/

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[shrinkingnicola 8]

My goodness, people have been responding to this and I didn't know ... I hadn't been receiving notifications. I'm just stopping in to give folks an update. I wanted to thank everyone for their input and feedback. I've made some changes and have been feeling more in control of my ability to follow through - that's what it's all about, I think. At least for me, that's why I had the surgery in the first place, because I'd felt so out of control of my weight and my health. I figured having the surgery would make enough of a bodily and emotional shift to put the ball back in my court. But it's so easy to let things spiral out of control again so nothing in my life feels manageable. So I'm working on some of the things I discussed with folks over the weekend and getting back on track. I'm a raging b!+€h, I think because of sugar detox???? and also hormones, but that's just a passing problem. I'm glad I've identified it. That does happen, right ... Sugar detox rage / blues / crankiness???? Time to work on the meditation thing? Thank you all so much again for your support. I'll read the new responses as soon as I can.