Getting over the guilt

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Didn't have a problem with that. But that's the advantage of being a guy. We are all the same in that we are all different.

[Hiraeth 515]

I dealt with the guilt by deciding to have this surgery. I no longer feel bad about it because I know that I will be thinner very soon. Everyone is proud of me because I've already lost 23 pounds in just 3 weeks. I was thin all my life, until I started taking oral steroids when I was 17, because of severe sinus issues. I gained 50 pounds in under 3 months. It was awful and I felt so bad for letting it happen. But there is hope for the future!

[Genr2d2 21]

I also felt guilt b/c I allowed this to happen to me. I even struggled with the fact that my family was pitching in to help me with the cost. I felt so ashamed and couldn't even look them in the eye when they offered b/c this was my fault, I did this to me. It's a complex issue. Some commenters said they were trying to work this out with a therapist, perhaps we should, too. I'm thankful that my program has a psychiatrist that I can talk to. I'm glad you brought the topic up, b/c I might have just pushed it to the side and had it rear its ugly head at a time when I'm low. I am a person who likes to do for others-it's very hard for me to accept help.

[doxaholic 252]

I am with butterfly23 Shame is a good word for how i felt. Although i have not had surgery yet and this topic died down some i am going to revive it again.

I have always been overweight as a kid we had so little that when we did have a little bit of something extra my mom would treat us with going to the store with her and letting us pick out something to keep all to our selves. I had a horrible childhood my father was an alcaholic and would come home every weekend and fight with my mom. When it was over and he was gone again my mom saw how terrified we were so she would give us a snack what ever we had at the time to take our minds off of it.

Well those habbits grew stronger and they stayed with me all through out life. Growing up things happened that made the word horrible feel like heaven.

Growing up and all through out school i had kids teenagers and adults pick on me. They would walk behind me and call me frankenstein i am tall too and buffalo butt. If i had to walk i would have the bigger kids drive by me several times yelling out the worst of the worst. As a teenager in highschool i finally learned that i could use my size to intimidate the bullies. Only so they could do it behind my back i would go out to the parking lot to find my car smeared with cupcakes and ugly names written all over it. So much for intimidation.

I never made friends easily i lacked social skills from the way we were raised . My father finally let my older sister go to a dance he forced me to go chaperone her oh joy. She had grown into her looks and body the last thing she wanted was me hanging around so she left me sitting on chairs on the dance floor. A boy walked over and asked me to dance i got up amd smiled then he said NOT i dont dance with pigs. Well there went my self esteem lol and in went more food.

So time went by i finally grew out of the awkward stage by this point i had thicker skin now but i was so tall that my extra weight did not look like i was obese. You can see i was chunky but i had actually had a pretty face or at least that is what people would say you know, oh you have such a pretty face to bad your heavy. Anyways i met my ex husband married him not sure if i really loved him but seemed like the right thing to do to get away from home. Needless to say i failed at marriage. In went more food since then ive had two failed relationships one i had gotten pregnant with first child out went the man. However pregnancy was something i wanted so bad. I had a miscarriage. I was told it was probably my weight. In went more food.

So now im 41 it is probably to late to have kids you need a man for that, one that loves you granted. I am plagued with all kinds of health problems and i hurt my knees at work. Go see a doctor they say im so bad that in two years i will be in a wheel chair great. Another year later my pops gets sick and passes away now who am i going to blame? In goes more food. 42 years old i fall on my arse at home off the concrete stairs while changing Water outside at 2 in morning i work nights. i am 391 pounds 5feet 10in. I had to crawl back up the stairs after laying there for 10 min scariest thing that happened to me not because of the actual fall but because of what could of happened. Thats it i go see surgeon. I have meeting and he tells me granted mom is in room it is not your fault. Never had i had five words mean so much to me its like i could stop faking being happy and just be happy. I know i had as much to blame for everthing going wrong and how i would deal with it but after so many failed attempts to lose the gut it was nice to hear those words. Now i will see if i can live the rest of my life for me. So yes shame is a good word and regret not making a change sooner.

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[gowalking 10,790]

I am with butterfly23 Shame is a good word for how i felt. Although i have not had surgery yet and this topic died down some i am going to revive it again.

I have always been overweight as a kid we had so little that when we did have a little bit of something extra my mom would treat us with going to the store with her and letting us pick out something to keep all to our selves. I had a horrible childhood my father was an alcaholic and would come home every weekend and fight with my mom. When it was over and he was gone again my mom saw how terrified we were so she would give us a snack what ever we had at the time to take our minds off of it.

Well those habbits grew stronger and they stayed with me all through out life. Growing up things happened that made the word horrible feel like heaven.

Growing up and all through out school i had kids teenagers and adults pick on me. They would walk behind me and call me frankenstein i am tall too and buffalo butt. If i had to walk i would have the bigger kids drive by me several times yelling out the worst of the worst. As a teenager in highschool i finally learned that i could use my size to intimidate the bullies. Only so they could do it behind my back i would go out to the parking lot to find my car smeared with cupcakes and ugly names written all over it. So much for intimidation.

I never made friends easily i lacked social skills from the way we were raised . My father finally let my older sister go to a dance he forced me to go chaperone her oh joy. She had grown into her looks and body the last thing she wanted was me hanging around so she left me sitting on chairs on the dance floor. A boy walked over and asked me to dance i got up amd smiled then he said NOT i dont dance with pigs. Well there went my self esteem lol and in went more food.

So time went by i finally grew out of the awkward stage by this point i had thicker skin now but i was so tall that my extra weight did not look like i was obese. You can see i was chunky but i had actually had a pretty face or at least that is what people would say you know, oh you have such a pretty face to bad your heavy. Anyways i met my ex husband married him not sure if i really loved him but seemed like the right thing to do to get away from home. Needless to say i failed at marriage. In went more food since then ive had two failed relationships one i had gotten pregnant with first child out went the man. However pregnancy was something i wanted so bad. I had a miscarriage. I was told it was probably my weight. In went more food.

So now im 41 it is probably to late to have kids you need a man for that, one that loves you granted. I am plagued with all kinds of health problems and i hurt my knees at work. Go see a doctor they say im so bad that in two years i will be in a wheel chair great. Another year later my pops gets sick and passes away now who am i going to blame? In goes more food. 42 years old i fall on my arse at home off the concrete stairs while changing Water outside at 2 in morning i work nights. i am 391 pounds 5feet 10in. I had to crawl back up the stairs after laying there for 10 min scariest thing that happened to me not because of the actual fall but because of what could of happened. Thats it i go see surgeon. I have meeting and he tells me granted mom is in room it is not your fault. Never had i had five words mean so much to me its like i could stop faking being happy and just be happy. I know i had as much to blame for everthing going wrong and how i would deal with it but after so many failed attempts to lose the gut it was nice to hear those words. Now i will see if i can live the rest of my life for me. So yes shame is a good word and regret not making a change sooner.

Sent from my SM-G920P using the BariatricPal App

I'm no therapist but it's obvious from the poster here that obesity is the end product of often very dysfunctional childhoods and resulting bad choices as adults. It just happened to take the form of food addiction rather than alcohol or drugs.

While I was fortunate enough to have had a better childhood and had a very good life overall, my go-to choice whenever stress or anger or disappointment or pretty much anything upset me, was food. Period, end of story. Believe me...no one my height of five foot nothing gets to weigh nearly 300 lbs. just because she likes to eat.

[GOM123 3]

For me, I don't get over the guilt of being fat.

I do everything I can to not be fat. (the result? 7 years of dieting and my ultimate admission of failure and scheduled for a sleeve this december)

I hate being overweight more than anything. especially because my culture requires women to be about 108 pounds to be considered beautiful.

[ShelterDog64 2,364]

For me, I don't get over the guilt of being fat.

I do everything I can to not be fat. (the result? 7 years of dieting and my ultimate admission of failure and scheduled for a sleeve this december)

I hate being overweight more than anything. especially because my culture requires women to be about 108 pounds to be considered beautiful.

You're not overweight, you have an eating disorder. You're 5'4", 125lbs with a BMI of 21. You're not overweight in any way, shape or form, and it's insulting that you keep pretending to be. Can you stop this charade, please?

[KristenLe 5,979]

For me, I don't get over the guilt of being fat.

I do everything I can to not be fat. (the result? 7 years of dieting and my ultimate admission of failure and scheduled for a sleeve this december)

I hate being overweight more than anything. especially because my culture requires women to be about 108 pounds to be considered beautiful.

You're not overweight, you have an eating disorder. You're 5'4", 125lbs with a BMI of 21. You're not overweight in any way, shape or form, and it's insulting that you keep pretending to be. Can you stop this charade, please?

Wtf! Why is this still being allowed??

[OzRoo 1,492]

For me, I don't get over the guilt of being fat.

I do everything I can to not be fat. (the result? 7 years of dieting and my ultimate admission of failure and scheduled for a sleeve this december)

I hate being overweight more than anything. especially because my culture requires women to be about 108 pounds to be considered beautiful.

You're not overweight, you have an eating disorder. You're 5'4", 125lbs with a BMI of 21. You're not overweight in any way, shape or form, and it's insulting that you keep pretending to be. Can you stop this charade, please?

Wtf! Why is this still being allowed??

Got banned for the 2nd time. Wonder if she will be back as yet another account ...... Sigh ....

[Vinasu 621]

I constantly wallow in guilt and shame about my weight. It bothered my mom so much, my earliest memories are all about my weight. When I was four or five, she kept a scale in the kitchen to weigh me before and after every meal. She called me Miss Piggy and wouldn't allow me the same foods my siblings got. Honestly, it was a self fulfilling prophecy. I actually was normal weight until middle school when the pounds began to pile on. I was tremendously unhappy as a teen.

I don't look in mirrors, don't take pictures. Even now that I've lost the 60 pounds, I am still ashamed of the way I look. I am a successful professional, a great mother, and active in two charities, but when I think about myself, I am just fat.

Two weeks ago was the first time my husband's workmates ever met me, because I was too ashamed to be seen before that.

Yep. I know I sound like a total loon, but for me fat has always been synonymous with failure. I'm working on it though. One day, I will learn to love my appearance.

Edited October 24, 2016 by Vinasu

[gowalking 10,790]

I constantly wallow in guilt and shame about my weight. It bothered my mom so much, my earliest memories are all about my weight. When I was four or five, she kept a scale in the kitchen to weigh me before and after every meal. She called me Miss Piggy and wouldn't allow me the same foods my siblings got. Honestly, it was a self fulfilling prophecy. I actually was normal weight until middle school when the pounds began to pile on. I was tremendously unhappy as a teen.

I don't look in mirrors, don't take pictures. Even now that I've lost the 60 pounds, I am still ashamed of the way I look. I am a successful professional, a great mother, and active in two charities, but when I think about myself, I am just fat.

Two weeks ago was the first time my husband's workmates ever met me, because I was too ashamed to be seen before that.

Yep. I know I sound like a total loon, but for me fat has always been synonymous with failure. I'm working on it though. One day, I will learn to love my appearance.

nope...you're not a loon...far from it. I suspect many many of us have been through similar and I know I struggle same as you regarding fat=failure.

[cat17 57]

I guess I'm in the minority here! I am having the hardest time thinking of this as a disease. 99% of the people in my life would think disagree that it is, so it's hard to feel justified when no one is validating your experience.

I know why I'm fat. I was a fat kid who had zero dietary restrictions enforced by my parents, and just continued this behavior as an adult. I feel tremendous guilt for having abused my body over the years. I wish I could go back in time and yell at my teenage self "Stop drinking those Monster energy drinks, they're killing you!"

If you are in the minority, then so am I. I remember what it felt like to be smaller. And I know everything I've done to get myself where I am today. It's almost impossible for me to admit how much I actually eat, and how badly. And exercise has never been a habit. And I definitely chose these habits. I can diet and lose weight, so I know my body is not broken, but "set point" seems to be a real thing and is worth understanding prior to surgery.

That is why I'm choosing to have surgery. I've been in therapy for two years and look at this surgery, the gym, and choosing the right food as tools to bring my physical health back.

You do not need anyone to validate your journey, but there are many people on this forum.

In answer to your original question; when I feel guilty I listen to what I'm telling myself and try to change my thoughts to what I would say to my best friend instead. Also take the others' advice and seek out a therapist. It helps in so many ways, but especially when making such a huge change in your life.

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@Vinasu That's very sad that your Mom treated you that way. It'd be surprising if you didn't feel the way you do! I hope you feel better about yourself soon and can be proud of what you've accomplished!

[BettyG 75]

Dear OP,

I had guilt for a long time too. It took a while for me to accept that obesity is a disease. I was ashamed of my size. Embarrassed by my lack of self control. I saw myself eating larger portions than skinny people and hated myself for it. I didn't realize the biological factors, such as how the body defaults to maintaining weight so I had 300-lb hunger that my 150-lb friends had never experienced.

I don't think that overeating or being slightly overweight is a disease, but obesity is. And to the people who just say "put down your fork and go to the gym" I reply with this: "That is like telling an anorexic who has been battling their disease for decades to the point of almost death that they should just 'eat more and exercise less' -- clearly there is more to the problem." (Otherwise... alert the media: I just cured anorexia! LOL)

I think that the development of obesity is a complex combination of genetics, upbringing, environment, and triggers. I accept personal responsibility for poor choices at the outset that set me down this path. But I also know that I have done 100% best effort to fix this on my own and I need help (I counted calories and exercised and worked with a nutritionist and lost 91 lbs back in 2012-2013.... but since then I gained when I was put on a certain medicine, then when I underwent trauma, and then again during a period of horrific stress...but when I was losing I devoted my life to the endeavor and gave it my all...it was heartbreaking for me that despite losing 91 lbs I still was in the Obese 2 category....and now I gained 60 lbs of it back).

Just like alcoholism or an eating disorder like anorexia, the causes are complex and the recovery takes dedicated effort. That is why insurance and the clinic requires us to meet with a psychologist and take classes and work with nutritionists and why we need to find a support group and a community such as here on BariatricPal -- we have the best chance of success which a support system to help us learn new skills, recover from obesity, and maintain our success.

I think that I will always be an "obesiac" -- just like someone who is 20 years sober is still an "alcoholic" and still goes to meetings and doesn't take their sobriety for granted.... I need to learn to find comfort outside of food and develop and maintain healthy habits for a lifetime. That might be easy at times and challenging at times of stress or upheaval, but I have faith that after I have my bypass and with the support of my friends, I can succeed.

And I feel very proud of that. :-)

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[K1V990 29]

My guilt comes from having lost 20 pounds some years ago, loving how I was feeling/what I was seeing, only to have gained 50+ pounds due to becoming a sedentary person.

I don't deal with it very well, and I know I definitely need therapy for it, but it is one of the many reasons I am considering WLS.

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