Getting over the guilt

[KaiserKid 81]

@@KaiserKid Where are you having surgery?

MGH, hopefully. Still in beginning stages and no surgery date yet. Here's hoping it works out.

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[KristenLe 5,979]

Does their program have a therapist? I'd think so. Worth asking.

[Djmohr 6,965]

Most Bariatric programs have therapists that specialize in Bariatric patients. I would ask your surgeon or PCP to recommend someone for you.

Feeling guilty is natural but your ability to get past it so you can move forward is important.

The only thing I feel guilty about is all the missed opportunities with my children and grandchildren. My family is very inclusive and if I couldn't do something they didn't either and that just wasn't right.

So, I did something about it and now for the most part I can join in just about any activity or at least walk far enough to keep up.

They are very proud of me and I hear it from them and feel it often.

[CLN.BK 165]

@@Djmohr

That's awesome. I'm very happy for you.

I went to Mexico for my surgery, so I'm on my own with everything. I've already seen a dietician who frequently works with Bariatric patients so that I can have a proper post-op diet plan. My next step is finding the therapist/psychologist. I started the search last night via Anthem's BCBS website so that I can ensure it's in-network. Now I'm in the process of reading online reviews of each potential candidate. It is very time consuming!

[Djmohr 6,965]

@@CLN.BK

I am glad to hear it, they can really help.

Best of luck on your search!

[russm 18]

I don't feel guilt regarding my weight. I don't blame my parents either. About 20 years ago i participated in a weight loss program with a famous weight loss doctor. I started that program at 337 and got down to 255. The program did include counseling and I discovered that many of my issues regarding food came from losing my grandmother who would sit me on the counter to watch her cook. I learned to de associate food with love. I kept the weight off for 15 years.

Over the past 5 years I gained about 30 pounds while I was in a position that required travel 4 days a week. I dieted and could only get to 265 and plateau. So now that i am in my late forties I decided it was time to deal with my weight so I had gastric sleeve.

If you do have feeling of guilt or shame I would suggest you seek therapy. It is beneficial.

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[OzRoo 1,492]

How do you get over the guilt of being fat?

For those of you who used to be thin, and gradually gained weight over the years, how did you handle this?

For those of you who were overweight or obese as children, what is the point where you stop blaming your parents for "making you fat", and actually take personal responsibility?

How do you handle comments from others who simply think that if you "just put down the fork", you can lose all the weight you need?

@@KaiserKid,

I am the one who used to be slim all my life, and in the past 2 years had a rapid, massive gain of 90Ibs!

Yes I felt guilty, and horrified that my appetite went out of control.

I hated myself and my body. Couldn't look in the mirror anymore, as all I could see was this bloated stranger.

Most of the people I knew were good and did not pass judgements, bar 2 people who said to me: go to the gym more, you Have to lose weight and get back to your former self ....

Well, I don't see these 2 people anymore.

Being obese for 2 years messed with my head, turned me into a recluse, isolating at home wearing sarongs and feeling very down.

I could see my weight doubling in no time.

This is why I decided to look into WLS.

When I showed my surgeon my photos from 3 years ago, he did a double take literally!

My BMI at that stage was 32.3

I would have been operated on last July 2015, but the team's endocrinologist discovered my auto-immune Thyroid disease, and so I had to wait 9 months for my thyroid to be destroyed and then stabilised.

I had many sessions with the team Bariatric Psychologist, that were very helpful.

I finally was sleeved early March 2016. Have lost 60Ibs to date, and this surgery saved my life.

Being obese for 2 years created health problems for me, and most of those are now gone!

I can look in the mirror again, I can see my former self coming back, I feel happy again.

So, these are my experiences and my perspective.

I did a little research prior surgery, and I spoke with a lady, friend of a friend, who had a bypass done by my surgeon.

This lady showed me before and after photos, and she looked fantastic 2 years post op!

So, I decided to go with her surgeon, and I am very glad I did.

I wish you all the best in your journey!

[ShelterDog64 2,364]

@@KaiserKid My guilt is all related to what my weight has done to my ability to fully involve myself with my husband and our 2 boys (now 18 and 22). They're active, outdoorsy guys, always on the go and ready for any adventure. As my weight went up and my ability to be active declined, I've removed myself from that part of their lives. I'll never, ever get those years back and just typing this has me all teary and pissed at myself. WHY didn't I decide to do something 10 years ago when they were 8 and 12 and we had so much time ahead of us? I'll never be able to answer it, but my therapist is trying to help me get past it and move on to the positives of my surgery and future. Good luck to you, I always admire people who are introspective and eager to help themselves be a better version of who they used to be

[gowalking 10,790]

@@KaiserKid

I'm with you. I feel a lot of guilt and shame over having let myself get this way. I wasn't fat as a kid or teenager. I had a very nice body, which is why I'm pissed at myself for ruining it. However, I am looking for a therapist right now who I can speak to. I need to figure out a way to move past these feelings, as well as get to the bottom of my emotional and compulsive eating.

If anyone knows a good therapist in Brooklyn or Manhattan, feel free to share.

Hi CLN.BK. I live in Manhattan and see a therapist who specializes in working with people who have food based issues. She's on the upper West Side. Feel free to PM me and I'll send you her info.

[CLN.BK 165]

@@gowalking

I just sent you a PM. Thank you!

[Dub 9,922]

How do you get over the guilt of being fat?

For those of you who used to be thin, and gradually gained weight over the years, how did you handle this?

For those of you who were overweight or obese as children, what is the point where you stop blaming your parents for "making you fat", and actually take personal responsibility?

How do you handle comments from others who simply think that if you "just put down the fork", you can lose all the weight you need?

Got over it by losing it.

Getting past that point.

Getting healthy.

Expending effort in the gym and learning to enjoy life without relying on the false comfort of food. food is simply fuel an yes, it can be tasty fuel, but fuel nonetheless.

Free yer ass and your mind will follow.....................

[esskay77 785]

@@KristenLe I don't think there is one associated with the place I went to. I had originally started out with Beth Israel and they did have the whole team working together but I left that program and went over to St. Elizabeth's in Brighton. Better but not a full program. They have the surgeon and NUT in the same place but the NUT's they have had are kind of useless in my opinion. I did have to be evaluated by the psychiatrist before surgery but I don't think he is really part of the program other than eval. I will call the and ask if they can recommend someone but I seem to recall that I may have in the past but don't remember why they didn't pass along any names/reco's.

Yes, I am in Boston!

[butterfly23 423]

@@KaiserKid thanks for your thought provoking post. I do not feel guilty, but I do feel shame about not taking care of myself and getting to be 421 lbs (guilt is feeling bad about what you do, shame is feeling bad about who you are).

While I know I am not bad intellectually, because of early and repetitive trauma I felt (and sometimes still feel) bad, and used my weight to show everyone I was hurting and to protect myself from further harm.

Like others here, I am actively working with a therapist and this part of my WLS work is just as important as what I put in my mouth and how I move my body. Letting go of my shame is essential to my success.

Now I am building my own protection and boundaries so my weight doesn't have to do it for me. I fight shame every day with self-compassion and making the best choices I can, and trying not to judge myself too harshly for the times I take a step back. I work hard to forgive myself (and others) for the past and try to focus on the present. I try and practice gratitude as much as possible.

Balance of compassion and accountability - still trying to find it, but a little closer each day. Now under 250, I still have a way to go in letting go of both weight and shame yet know I will get to where I need to be if I keep at it.

As @@Dub says, free your mind and your ass will follow (the kingdom of Heaven is within!!)

[Cari Dickenson 148]

I was overweight for 23 yrs. I had five kids... was a size 4 when I got pregnant with my son at 17 yrs old... I gained a 100 pounds on bed rest to try to carry him to term... lost his twin and carried him to term.... had the rest of my kids. Bed rest with 4 of them total... made it really hard to not gain weight... had to have my thyroid removed it would go back and forth... and so weight loss then gain... after I had it removed had a bad doc kept me under medicated for a yr I gained more then a hundred pounds and ended up 351 pounds.... the biggest I had ever been I use to hover at about 220... and I was okay with it... I had my surgery almost a yr ago... 4 days after I turned 40... I didn't want to be unhealthy.... I was leaning fast towards being diabetic... cpap for sleep... and could barely do the things I needed to do.... Before my surgery I went to the gym 4 days a week for an hr and a half in nine months time i only lost 30 pounds didn't matter what I did it wouldn't come off... doc told me i was insulin resistant and that makes it very hard to lose weight...I have lost a lot more then the docs said Was "average" I never felt guilty... I didn't understand why I couldn't lose why It just kept piling on.... I think therapy could go a long way to helping you heal...you are blaming yourself for something that is likely a metabolic issue within your body... Most of us don't want to be fat.... and have underlying issues that we don't know about and they are just learning about... ( medically wise) Like the other poster above Being fat was safer.... I had been raped as a teen and though being fat would make sure it never happened again... there were a million things that caused me to overeat.... unhappiness.... sometimes even being happy...I hope you seek a good therapist any food therapist will do remember food issue is a food issue be it bulimia ( Spelling) and anorexia... are the same coins of over eating.... and keep looking until you find one that you are comfy with they have a lot to offer and healing... I hope you find your happy place and learn to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made and don't let it hold you back you can do this...

[Alex Brecher 10,512]

@@KaiserKid,

Great questions!

I always struggled with my weight, but didn’t really blame my parents. It was pretty clear to me, especially after moving out and going to college and being able to make my own decisions, that my eating was my problem. My parents may not have stopped me from being overweight, but at least they somehow taught me enough to realize for myself that my eating habits were terrible!

As for getting over the “guilt of being fat,” I got over it by not being fat. Actually, I never felt directly guilty for being fat. I felt less guilty over the outcome (my overweight body) than I did over the causes (obsession with food, inability to stick to a diet or healthy eating plan).

Dealing with people who think you should “put down the fork” is tough…very tough! I try to remind myself that they may mean well, that they probably have no idea what they’re talking about, and that they have their own problems in life – that they’re lucky enough to be able to hide rather than display to the world in the form of an oversized body. I also remind myself that if they weren’t doling out advice and judgement about weight, they’d be commenting on and criticizing other aspects of my life that aren’t their business, either.

But really – growing a thick skin is the only way to put up with people. They’ll never stop.