Dealing with Rejection

[Lexigurl82 160]

It's been a while since I've made a post. I filed a divorce after 7 years on 1/29/2016. The divorce was finalized last month. Before I filed for a divorce, a former friend told me my then husband at the time had a girlfriend. Not once did he fight for our marriage. Instead, he reached out to many women and found one who was willing to give him a chance. I eventually found out that his mistress knew all about me and they slept together 2 days after our wedding anniversary. That hurt me a lot. My then husband told so many lies on me and people actually believed him. I had to end up cutting every person we ever came in contact with out of my life because they claimed they were on my side, however they were on my husband's team. Inlaws, so called friends--the majority of them knew he had a mistress and failed to correct him about his actions because they valued his presence more than mine and my kid. Not that I like to talk about people but his mistress is extremely overweight and unattractive. My ex-husband is very controlling and narcissistic, so I am aware that he went after her because she has no self-esteem or confidence. She does everything he tells her to. He did the same with me. When I met my ex-husband, I was slightly overweight. Each year during our marriage, I got bigger and bigger. He seemed to be happy with it, always told me I was beautiful. But that was a lie. Now that we are divorced, family members and friends started coming forth and told me how they despised my ex-husband during our marriage because they knew he was a liar, a cheater, and controlling. They told me how it bothered them to see me gain weight and have several health issues, yet my then husband seemed content. Not only that, he didn't struggle with weight and was not very supportive in me losing weight. When I had my surgery in December 2015, he asked me twice if I would leave him once I lost weight. I told him I would leave him if he didn't change. 3 weeks after my surgery, I packed my and my daughter's clothing in trash bags and left. Everyday I hoped he would call, to see where I went, to see if I and my daughter were ok, to see if he wanted me back home but that didn't happen. When I checked our phone records, I saw he reached out to women he claimed he didn't even communicate with. Not once did I get a call or text asking for forgiveness or for me to come back home. And then, day after day I learned how he had a mistress and he slept with numerous prostitutes. And yes, this mistress knew all about me but just did not care, same as my then husband. My ex-husband did everything he could do to tear me down. Locked me out of our home. Slept with the mistress in our bed. Told lies to everyone would listen. In the end, I was able to move in our home and he had to move out. But the memories in the home was just to much to bear. I had to sleep in the guest room because I just could not sleep in our bedroom, where he had his mistress. How could people be so cruel? How could my husband do this to me and my kid? How could his mistress be ok with being with a married man and him mistreating me and a minor child? I guess I will never understand. Now that I am single, how do I move on? I am terrified to date. People compliment me and tell he how great I look since weight loss, but my ex-husband has destroyed all my self esteem. Therefore, I do not believe people when they tell me I look great. I can't even make eye contact with a man because I am afraid of them. It's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself because I am afraid that if I meet someone, that I won't be able to provide them with a relationship. I am just too torn. How do I move past the hurt? How do I move past the pain that my ex-husband inflicted on me and my daughter? All I can do is hope one day I can heal from all this.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

How do you move on and date?

In my opinion, very carefully and very slowly.

It sounds like you need to grieve and recover from your marriage before jumping back into the dating world.

Do you have a good therapist? Have you considered attending a 12 step recovery group like Overeaters Anonymous? Are you attending bariatric support group meetings?

Take the time to get to know yourself, recover and heal (physically and emotionally), learn how strong and resilient you are, and focus on health and wellness.

Another relationship can wait until you are steady in your own feet.

Yes, I am looking into finding a new therapist since I moved away from where I used to live. Hoping to find a good one soon. You're right, no dating for me until I am healed from this pain. Thanks

[Qwalla 132]

Girl you are soooo much better off now. You and your daughter deserve better than that. Just concentrate on the two of you. Healing takes time. I truly believe that when you take care of you and keep the negative out of your life good things will happen. Just remember one day at a time. Lots of support here. We have all been through similiar circumstances and challenges. Keep your chin up and remember what happened doesn't have to define you. You can't control someone elses actions. Learn and grow and stay positive. When we are at our lowest is how we become our strongest. You can do this girl. Best of luck to a healthy positive life for you and your daughter. Always a friend here in Idaho.

Sent from my SM-N910P using the BariatricPal App

[Andrew0929 1,101]

You were smart to divorce him. It's unlikely that he would change after the kinds of things he's done.

Learn from the experience and try to move on. I agree with the others that you shouldn't rush into anything.

Spend some time getting your head together and establishing your new life without him.

When you're ready to start dating be very selective. There are lots of nice guys out there that will respect you and treat you well. I think you know the types of people to avoid now after going through this...

Edited August 9, 2016 by Andrew0929

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@Lexigurl82, I'm responding only to your opening note, not having read beyond that.

I'll be generous to your former husband and say only that he is and was less than honorable. Is a person of that caliber really what it takes to shatter your confidence and self-esteem? You went into the marriage thinking he was a good guy. He may have been, but people do change. To want to know the why's and how's of the decline of the marriage is unlikely to get the answers, in fact, they wouldn't feel good anyway. The longer you speculate, the longer you'll be going in circles rather than rebuilding yourself and your life.

It would be a mistake to judge all men by that one. There are plenty of truly honorable, worthwhile men in the forest. For now, though, it may be that you're not ready to think about dating. It's irrelevant that you filed in January. The divorce is what counts and it's only a month old. Take time to reacquaint with yourself as an individual in the world. Discover what's important to you now and what you want for yourself and your child. You can think of this time as giving birth to yourself. Date yourself, treat yourself well, with tenderness, compassion, love and respect. The men will be there later on.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am so sorry for your pain. In my opinion, looking to date right now is not ideal. Time helps clear the mind, makes room in the heart for a new and true love. I have observed that when you look for love when you are so freshly hurt, or not in a good headspace, you risk attracting the wrong person.

As to the "why" - I ask myself that about so many people all the time. Just read the news - why do people do such awful things to other people? It is unanswerable, but it is important to believe that they were the ones in the wrong not you. Nobody deserves this kind of blatant disrespect and cruelty and I hope you don't let it make you feel less than desirable.

[Brandi W 21]

It's been a while since I've made a post. I filed a divorce after 7 years on 1/29/2016. The divorce was finalized last month. Before I filed for a divorce, a former friend told me my then husband at the time had a girlfriend. Not once did he fight for our marriage. Instead, he reached out to many women and found one who was willing to give him a chance. I eventually found out that his mistress knew all about me and they slept together 2 days after our wedding anniversary. That hurt me a lot. My then husband told so many lies on me and people actually believed him. I had to end up cutting every person we ever came in contact with out of my life because they claimed they were on my side, however they were on my husband's team. Inlaws, so called friends--the majority of them knew he had a mistress and failed to correct him about his actions because they valued his presence more than mine and my kid. Not that I like to talk about people but his mistress is extremely overweight and unattractive. My ex-husband is very controlling and narcissistic, so I am aware that he went after her because she has no self-esteem or confidence. She does everything he tells her to. He did the same with me. When I met my ex-husband, I was slightly overweight. Each year during our marriage, I got bigger and bigger. He seemed to be happy with it, always told me I was beautiful. But that was a lie. Now that we are divorced, family members and friends started coming forth and told me how they despised my ex-husband during our marriage because they knew he was a liar, a cheater, and controlling. They told me how it bothered them to see me gain weight and have several health issues, yet my then husband seemed content. Not only that, he didn't struggle with weight and was not very supportive in me losing weight. When I had my surgery in December 2015, he asked me twice if I would leave him once I lost weight. I told him I would leave him if he didn't change. 3 weeks after my surgery, I packed my and my daughter's clothing in trash bags and left. Everyday I hoped he would call, to see where I went, to see if I and my daughter were ok, to see if he wanted me back home but that didn't happen. When I checked our phone records, I saw he reached out to women he claimed he didn't even communicate with. Not once did I get a call or text asking for forgiveness or for me to come back home. And then, day after day I learned how he had a mistress and he slept with numerous prostitutes. And yes, this mistress knew all about me but just did not care, same as my then husband. My ex-husband did everything he could do to tear me down. Locked me out of our home. Slept with the mistress in our bed. Told lies to everyone would listen. In the end, I was able to move in our home and he had to move out. But the memories in the home was just to much to bear. I had to sleep in the guest room because I just could not sleep in our bedroom, where he had his mistress. How could people be so cruel? How could my husband do this to me and my kid? How could his mistress be ok with being with a married man and him mistreating me and a minor child? I guess I will never understand. Now that I am single, how do I move on? I am terrified to date. People compliment me and tell he how great I look since weight loss, but my ex-husband has destroyed all my self esteem. Therefore, I do not believe people when they tell me I look great. I can't even make eye contact with a man because I am afraid of them. It's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself because I am afraid that if I meet someone, that I won't be able to provide them with a relationship. I am just too torn. How do I move past the hurt? How do I move past the pain that my ex-husband inflicted on me and my daughter? All I can do is hope one day I can heal from all this.

U pray! God can bring through places u never thought. Seek God, do all you can and let him do the rest.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using the BariatricPal App

[Hiraeth 515]

Thank you so much. I don't feel attractive but I'm trying my best to hear people when I'm told that. I guess I have a hard time because in don't know if someone is being sincere. Your words mean a lot to me. I think it's too soon to date too so I'll do my best to hold off on that. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone because I'm hurt. Thanks again

I'm so sorry you've been hurt like this. You're right, no one deserves to be treated this way. In my opinion what you need now is healing time. don't worry about dating or men....just focus on you and your child, and your health. Time will heal your heart......and you'll know when you're open to new relationships....but don't rush it. The good thing is now you know what kind of man you DON'T want. For now focus on you.

Regarding your bedroom.....I don't know what your finances are like, but if I were you I'd go buy a new bed......and redecorate your bedroom so it's all new and all about you.....throw everything out that has those bad memories and make everything fresh and new.......you know how when we're married we try not to make our bedrooms too girlie.....now make your bedroom all about you, as girlie as you want it!!! After my divorce I painted my bedroom pink...haha

I know the hurt is heavy now but know it will get a little easier everyday......just take one day at a time.

Take Care,

Kathy

You are so welcome! When I saw your profile pic, I was like WOAH! I was shocked to know he did that to such a beautiful woman. He really messed up. I know you are still craving companionship. After my breakup, I really wanted it, too. But I knew I needed to learn to love myself before I tried to love anyone else. It wasn't easy, but each day, I got stronger. Now I know what I need and don't need in a relationship. I know exactly what I won't settle for. Keep us updated, and please let us know if you're having bad moments and just need someone to talk to.

[Hiraeth 515]

I ended up moving out of our home. Our lawyers were able to help us come to an agreement and once that was done, I decided to move out of the city. I'm no longer surrounded by those painful memories and phony people who claimed they loved me yet we're loyal to my ex husband. Now I just need to work on my heart and mind. I hate dealing with trigger moments and thoughts of how he rejected me. It hurts so much. Hopefully it will all heal as time goes on.

Those people are really pitiful. I think your ex has manipulated them into believing anything he says. People tend to believe the person they are related to. I know it may seem like the world is against you, but remember that those people are fools. Maybe one day, they will realize it.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@Lexigurl82

As a single person that has never been married but ends up dating divorced people...

Please work on yourself and become a whole person before dating. Get to know yourself, your likes and dislikes. Learn to love and value yourself not considering other people.

If you are confident and self assured you will attract people that value that, instead of people that want to diminish your shine.

Good luck, it is hard out here.

[Djmohr 6,965]

@@Lexigurl82

You are beautiful both inside and out. You deserve to be with a man who will treat you as a partner not control you. Those people are out there, I promise!

Having come from an abusive controlling first marriage, I found my 2nd husband when I wasn't even trying and honestly wasn't even interested. That is usually the way it goes. Focus on yourself and the rest will happen.

It is time for you to be selfish to you and your daughter. When the time comes, your man will show up. Mostly because you will have your confidence back and it will show whether you realize it or not.

When I packed my stuff for me and my two kids into laundry baskets and actually went into hiding, I was so twisted up inside I did not know if I was ever going to come out of it. I did, and it did not take long once I realized that I was in charge of how I felt and lived and did not need someone to make me feel small and unimportant.

I met my 2nd husband about a year after I left which at the time felt way too fast. We fell in love very quickly and I can even remember crying because it is not something I wanted yet. But it happened.

This man loves my children they were 3 and 6 at the time. They are now grown and each have 12 year old daughter. My husband and I have been happily married now for nearly 29 years.

He is my best friend and we do pretty much everything together. I am thankful every day for my family and I am also thankful that I cut all those other people out of my life.

You will heel, give yourself time an focus on you and your daughter for now. When you are ready, it will show in your confidence and self esteem and that in itself will attach the right guy for you.

Best wishes and I hope you feel better soon.

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@Lexigurl82 You take time for yourself and your daughter! The best thing you can do is make sure your daughter understands that she should never allow anyone to treat her with disrespect or be abusive in any way. I highly recommend therapy (you may want to see if your daughter would like to go to someone too). Prayers...

[pinkypearly1908 16]

You guys rock...I am so glad I signed up for this site. Your words meant so much to me, I was about to get emotional Lol. Truth is, I know I'm not ready for dating but I miss having a companion. I miss holding hands, hugs, I just miss love. It's a sad thing for me to say this but I now know my ex-husband never loved me. Who I fell in love with never existed. Yes he was very controlling. He had every excuse in the world for his porn addiction and how he treated me. I'm also disappointed in his family and our former friends because none of them wanted to correct him. In fact, my ex sister in law felt I was trying to "damn " my ex husband! I ended cutting off every single person who had an attachment to my ex husband, even if they sis nothing to me because I didn't want to take the chance of someone telling me he is doing this and he is doing that. I was tired of that. I thank you guys so much for your beautiful words and compliments. I guess when I look at my ex husband's mistress it makes me feel so inadequate even though I've lost weight. He really did a number on my heart and I hope day I'll be able to have a good time when I go out and be able to move on. I appreciate all of you so much.

Honey, emotional abuse can do a number on your self esteem and confidence. Believe me what your exhusband did was all by design to keep you under his thumb. The moment you started to see the light he found a replacement. Well the devil is a lie. You are none of those bad things. Ditto what everyone has said. Take care of you daughter and do what you like and what you want. Find out what its like to answer to no one. Check in with no one. Try something new and make new girlfriends. Try to find someone close by on this website and have coffee. As far as companionship sure its normal to miss it, but what is companionship if the person would rather be somewhere else. And that old cliche is true (I used to hate it until I understood for mysel) you cant truly feel love or give love until you love yourself first because youll always be depending on that person to fill a void they can never fill. Annd when times get really tough, get a vibrator and keep it moving. Real talk between us girls!! Best of luck to ya!

Sent from my SM-N920V using the BariatricPal App

[Lexigurl82 160]

You guys rock...I am so glad I signed up for this site. Your words meant so much to me, I was about to get emotional Lol. Truth is, I know I'm not ready for dating but I miss having a companion. I miss holding hands, hugs, I just miss love. It's a sad thing for me to say this but I now know my ex-husband never loved me. Who I fell in love with never existed. Yes he was very controlling. He had every excuse in the world for his porn addiction and how he treated me. I'm also disappointed in his family and our former friends because none of them wanted to correct him. In fact, my ex sister in law felt I was trying to "damn " my ex husband! I ended cutting off every single person who had an attachment to my ex husband, even if they sis nothing to me because I didn't want to take the chance of someone telling me he is doing this and he is doing that. I was tired of that. I thank you guys so much for your beautiful words and compliments. I guess when I look at my ex husband's mistress it makes me feel so inadequate even though I've lost weight. He really did a number on my heart and I hope day I'll be able to have a good time when I go out and be able to move on. I appreciate all of you so much.

Honey, emotional abuse can do a number on your self esteem and confidence. Believe me what your exhusband did was all by design to keep you under his thumb. The moment you started to see the light he found a replacement. Well the devil is a lie. You are none of those bad things. Ditto what everyone has said. Take care of you daughter and do what you like and what you want. Find out what its like to answer to no one. Check in with no one. Try something new and make new girlfriends. Try to find someone close by on this website and have coffee. As far as companionship sure its normal to miss it, but what is companionship if the person would rather be somewhere else. And that old cliche is true (I used to hate it until I understood for mysel) you cant truly feel love or give love until you love yourself first because youll always be depending on that person to fill a void they can never fill. Annd when times get really tough, get a vibrator and keep it moving. Real talk between us girls!! Best of luck to ya!

Sent from my SM-N920V using the BariatricPal App

lol the vibrator part made me smile. I also hated those things so I'll pass lol and just pray that God keeps me until marriage. I appreciate your kind words, they meant a lot to me. I do miss having a companion, someone to talk to, someone to hold me and tell me things will be alright. I have been told that I must love myself in order to love and I agree wholeheartedly.

[Lexigurl82 160]

Thank you so much. I don't feel attractive but I'm trying my best to hear people when I'm told that. I guess I have a hard time because in don't know if someone is being sincere. Your words mean a lot to me. I think it's too soon to date too so I'll do my best to hold off on that. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone because I'm hurt. Thanks again

I'm so sorry you've been hurt like this. You're right, no one deserves to be treated this way. In my opinion what you need now is healing time. don't worry about dating or men....just focus on you and your child, and your health. Time will heal your heart......and you'll know when you're open to new relationships....but don't rush it. The good thing is now you know what kind of man you DON'T want. For now focus on you.

Regarding your bedroom.....I don't know what your finances are like, but if I were you I'd go buy a new bed......and redecorate your bedroom so it's all new and all about you.....throw everything out that has those bad memories and make everything fresh and new.......you know how when we're married we try not to make our bedrooms too girlie.....now make your bedroom all about you, as girlie as you want it!!! After my divorce I painted my bedroom pink...haha

I know the hurt is heavy now but know it will get a little easier everyday......just take one day at a time.

Take Care,

Kathy

You are so welcome! When I saw your profile pic, I was like WOAH! I was shocked to know he did that to such a beautiful woman. He really messed up. I know you are still craving companionship. After my breakup, I really wanted it, too. But I knew I needed to learn to love myself before I tried to love anyone else. It wasn't easy, but each day, I got stronger. Now I know what I need and don't need in a relationship. I know exactly what I won't settle for. Keep us updated, and please let us know if you're having bad moments and just need someone to talk to.

lol thank you...I haven't accepted the fact that I am a smart and beautiful woman. I was already broken when I met my ex-husband, and I didn't think he would ever take my issues and use them against me in the way he did. I know in due time I will learn to love myself. I just hope it's sometime soon lol. No dating for me until I realize my self worth.

[Hiraeth 515]

Thank you so much. I don't feel attractive but I'm trying my best to hear people when I'm told that. I guess I have a hard time because in don't know if someone is being sincere. Your words mean a lot to me. I think it's too soon to date too so I'll do my best to hold off on that. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone because I'm hurt. Thanks again

I'm so sorry you've been hurt like this. You're right, no one deserves to be treated this way. In my opinion what you need now is healing time. don't worry about dating or men....just focus on you and your child, and your health. Time will heal your heart......and you'll know when you're open to new relationships....but don't rush it. The good thing is now you know what kind of man you DON'T want. For now focus on you.

Regarding your bedroom.....I don't know what your finances are like, but if I were you I'd go buy a new bed......and redecorate your bedroom so it's all new and all about you.....throw everything out that has those bad memories and make everything fresh and new.......you know how when we're married we try not to make our bedrooms too girlie.....now make your bedroom all about you, as girlie as you want it!!! After my divorce I painted my bedroom pink...haha

I know the hurt is heavy now but know it will get a little easier everyday......just take one day at a time.

Take Care,

Kathy

You are so welcome! When I saw your profile pic, I was like WOAH! I was shocked to know he did that to such a beautiful woman. He really messed up. I know you are still craving companionship. After my breakup, I really wanted it, too. But I knew I needed to learn to love myself before I tried to love anyone else. It wasn't easy, but each day, I got stronger. Now I know what I need and don't need in a relationship. I know exactly what I won't settle for. Keep us updated, and please let us know if you're having bad moments and just need someone to talk to.

lol thank you...I haven't accepted the fact that I am a smart and beautiful woman. I was already broken when I met my ex-husband, and I didn't think he would ever take my issues and use them against me in the way he did. I know in due time I will learn to love myself. I just hope it's sometime soon lol. No dating for me until I realize my self worth.

Controlling men are attracted to women who are not confident. They prey on women like that. Because that means they can control you and make you feel like dirt. Men like him do that to boost their ego and make themselves feel better about how truly insecure they're feeling.

I'm going to add you. If you need anything or just someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to message me.