Dealing with Rejection

[Lexigurl82 160]

It's been a while since I've made a post. I filed a divorce after 7 years on 1/29/2016. The divorce was finalized last month. Before I filed for a divorce, a former friend told me my then husband at the time had a girlfriend. Not once did he fight for our marriage. Instead, he reached out to many women and found one who was willing to give him a chance. I eventually found out that his mistress knew all about me and they slept together 2 days after our wedding anniversary. That hurt me a lot. My then husband told so many lies on me and people actually believed him. I had to end up cutting every person we ever came in contact with out of my life because they claimed they were on my side, however they were on my husband's team. Inlaws, so called friends--the majority of them knew he had a mistress and failed to correct him about his actions because they valued his presence more than mine and my kid. Not that I like to talk about people but his mistress is extremely overweight and unattractive. My ex-husband is very controlling and narcissistic, so I am aware that he went after her because she has no self-esteem or confidence. She does everything he tells her to. He did the same with me. When I met my ex-husband, I was slightly overweight. Each year during our marriage, I got bigger and bigger. He seemed to be happy with it, always told me I was beautiful. But that was a lie. Now that we are divorced, family members and friends started coming forth and told me how they despised my ex-husband during our marriage because they knew he was a liar, a cheater, and controlling. They told me how it bothered them to see me gain weight and have several health issues, yet my then husband seemed content. Not only that, he didn't struggle with weight and was not very supportive in me losing weight. When I had my surgery in December 2015, he asked me twice if I would leave him once I lost weight. I told him I would leave him if he didn't change. 3 weeks after my surgery, I packed my and my daughter's clothing in trash bags and left. Everyday I hoped he would call, to see where I went, to see if I and my daughter were ok, to see if he wanted me back home but that didn't happen. When I checked our phone records, I saw he reached out to women he claimed he didn't even communicate with. Not once did I get a call or text asking for forgiveness or for me to come back home. And then, day after day I learned how he had a mistress and he slept with numerous prostitutes. And yes, this mistress knew all about me but just did not care, same as my then husband. My ex-husband did everything he could do to tear me down. Locked me out of our home. Slept with the mistress in our bed. Told lies to everyone would listen. In the end, I was able to move in our home and he had to move out. But the memories in the home was just to much to bear. I had to sleep in the guest room because I just could not sleep in our bedroom, where he had his mistress. How could people be so cruel? How could my husband do this to me and my kid? How could his mistress be ok with being with a married man and him mistreating me and a minor child? I guess I will never understand. Now that I am single, how do I move on? I am terrified to date. People compliment me and tell he how great I look since weight loss, but my ex-husband has destroyed all my self esteem. Therefore, I do not believe people when they tell me I look great. I can't even make eye contact with a man because I am afraid of them. It's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself because I am afraid that if I meet someone, that I won't be able to provide them with a relationship. I am just too torn. How do I move past the hurt? How do I move past the pain that my ex-husband inflicted on me and my daughter? All I can do is hope one day I can heal from all this.

[melbell2222 244]

Very heart braking, sorry this happened to you but I wouldn't rush into dating until your ready. When you go look in the mirror and say, I'm one sexy girl with confidence! Is when you should take dating by storm. Your ex is a coward and will always be one...so if you get a oz of the man you end up talking to be like your ex runnnn and don't feel sorry for the man! But lol I don't look into men's eyes either bc I don't want them to fall for me, I'm not ready myself b.c I'm not happy with myself yet. I don't want to bring the guy down if I end up changing my interests.. Good luck with it all though

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[Hiraeth 515]

I am so sorry that you went through all of that. Your ex-husband is nothing but a selfish, insecure, poor excuse of a man. He only cares about himself. You are beautiful. And I mean that. I just looked at your profile picture and WOW! Your teeth are so pretty, your skin complexion is amazing, and you have high cheek bones. You have very attractive qualities. I'm shocked that he was so stupid to let you go. He probably knew deep down that you deserved better. He probably thought you would reject him, so he gave up because he has too much pride to embarrass himself.

In my opinion, I still think it's too soon to start dating again. And I'm only saying this because it would be too soon for me. I think you may need to take a little more time to heal before you try again. But, if you think you are ready, then go for it! I know what it's like to crave companionship. Try to understand that not all men are like your ex. There is someone out there who is looking to find his Queen, and I think you are the perfect person. Try slowly to put yourself out there and really get to know a man. Don't settle for small talk. Make sure he wants to know about you, instead of only talking about himself. If he only talks about himself, then that is a bad sign that he is self-centered. He has to want to know about you in order to be interested.

[NeedaBreak4Me 1,755]

Girl! Don't let this man dull your shine!

You are extremely brave and finally found the courage to leave.

This sounds like it was a very controlling relationship, you are lucky you got out after anything serious went wrong.

Unfortunately most controlling people do try to distroy their partners self esteem, making them feel unworthy, having no respect for being loyal etc... very common.

This man is no longer in your life, its time to do things for YOU!

You need to love YOU, respect YOU, be kind to YOU, do things for YOU.. because YOU deserve it.

Accept the fact that you are looking fabulous, take up a hobby you enjoy, get out there and live life....

Once you do this, you will feel more comfortable in your own skin...

Don't let this man take anymore of your happiness or self worth, you deserve better ????

Love and dating will come when you are ready, focus on living, loving and enjoying life..

[kmorri 1,689]

I'm so sorry you've been hurt like this. You're right, no one deserves to be treated this way. In my opinion what you need now is healing time. don't worry about dating or men....just focus on you and your child, and your health. Time will heal your heart......and you'll know when you're open to new relationships....but don't rush it. The good thing is now you know what kind of man you DON'T want. For now focus on you.

Regarding your bedroom.....I don't know what your finances are like, but if I were you I'd go buy a new bed......and redecorate your bedroom so it's all new and all about you.....throw everything out that has those bad memories and make everything fresh and new.......you know how when we're married we try not to make our bedrooms too girlie.....now make your bedroom all about you, as girlie as you want it!!! After my divorce I painted my bedroom pink...haha

I know the hurt is heavy now but know it will get a little easier everyday......just take one day at a time.

Take Care,

Kathy

Edited August 9, 2016 by kmorri

[Shi-Shi80 73]

Disheartening yet empowering. You're hurting now as expected but you are going to push through this phase of the pain quicker than you know. I'm so glad you left before your daughter saw you being mistreated and started to believe that's how a relationship with a man was supposed to be. Most people stay in unhealthy relationships and things only get worse. You made the right decision and he's going to regret his actions as well as those who fail to correct him when they knew what he was doing. As stated by others, fall in love with yourself again and the right man will come to you. Infidelity and rejection have a way of destroying parts of you that are hard to rebuild sometimes so give yourself time to heal. I've been there and it's a struggle some days but you're going to be just fine with a little more time. Congrats on regaining control of your life. Take care!

[Lexigurl82 160]

You guys rock...I am so glad I signed up for this site. Your words meant so much to me, I was about to get emotional Lol. Truth is, I know I'm not ready for dating but I miss having a companion. I miss holding hands, hugs, I just miss love. It's a sad thing for me to say this but I now know my ex-husband never loved me. Who I fell in love with never existed. Yes he was very controlling. He had every excuse in the world for his porn addiction and how he treated me. I'm also disappointed in his family and our former friends because none of them wanted to correct him. In fact, my ex sister in law felt I was trying to "damn " my ex husband! I ended cutting off every single person who had an attachment to my ex husband, even if they sis nothing to me because I didn't want to take the chance of someone telling me he is doing this and he is doing that. I was tired of that. I thank you guys so much for your beautiful words and compliments. I guess when I look at my ex husband's mistress it makes me feel so inadequate even though I've lost weight. He really did a number on my heart and I hope day I'll be able to have a good time when I go out and be able to move on. I appreciate all of you so much.

[Lexigurl82 160]

I am so sorry that you went through all of that. Your ex-husband is nothing but a selfish, insecure, poor excuse of a man. He only cares about himself. You are beautiful. And I mean that. I just looked at your profile picture and WOW! Your teeth are so pretty, your skin complexion is amazing, and you have high cheek bones. You have very attractive qualities. I'm shocked that he was so stupid to let you go. He probably knew deep down that you deserved better. He probably thought you would reject him, so he gave up because he has too much pride to embarrass himself.

In my opinion, I still think it's too soon to start dating again. And I'm only saying this because it would be too soon for me. I think you may need to take a little more time to heal before you try again. But, if you think you are ready, then go for it! I know what it's like to crave companionship. Try to understand that not all men are like your ex. There is someone out there who is looking to find his Queen, and I think you are the perfect person. Try slowly to put yourself out there and really get to know a man. Don't settle for small talk. Make sure he wants to know about you, instead of only talking about himself. If he only talks about himself, then that is a bad sign that he is self-centered. He has to want to know about you in order to be interested.

[Lexigurl82 160]

Thank you so much. I don't feel attractive but I'm trying my best to hear people when I'm told that. I guess I have a hard time because in don't know if someone is being sincere. Your words mean a lot to me. I think it's too soon to date too so I'll do my best to hold off on that. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone because I'm hurt. Thanks again

I'm so sorry you've been hurt like this. You're right, no one deserves to be treated this way. In my opinion what you need now is healing time. don't worry about dating or men....just focus on you and your child, and your health. Time will heal your heart......and you'll know when you're open to new relationships....but don't rush it. The good thing is now you know what kind of man you DON'T want. For now focus on you.

Regarding your bedroom.....I don't know what your finances are like, but if I were you I'd go buy a new bed......and redecorate your bedroom so it's all new and all about you.....throw everything out that has those bad memories and make everything fresh and new.......you know how when we're married we try not to make our bedrooms too girlie.....now make your bedroom all about you, as girlie as you want it!!! After my divorce I painted my bedroom pink...haha

I know the hurt is heavy now but know it will get a little easier everyday......just take one day at a time.

Take Care,

Kathy

[NeedaBreak4Me 1,755]

Purging your friendships and relationships seems to be very common after life changing experiences, such as divorce, illness and including weight loss surgery.

8 years ago when i had my band, i had a group of friends for years that became very controlling, judgemental and mean after i lost weight... we were all the chubby funny people, so we had a lot in common... we would eat and be fat and lazy together.

Once i lost all the weight, i ended up regaining my confidence and stopped taking their crap, in turn i lost every single one of them.

To be honest, yes i was lonely for a short time, but then i took up new hobbies and interests and made new friends..... friends for life who give me love and support i deserve.

The purge of all the negativity was the best thing that ever happened to me! Hindsight is a wonderful thing... i realise now that they were never truly friends, and got off on putting me down subtly.

My point... it might hurt now, but this is a necessary process for bigger and better things... yes, it might hurt now, and it might always be a sore spot, but open yourself to love, take small steps, do small things for you because you deserve it.

And remember... not every man will cheat on you, not every person will hurt you... do not allow this horrible experience to cause you to build walls around your heart and mind... because this will only hurt you in the end.

The mistress and him deserve each other.... you have bigger and better things waiting for you... jump up and embrace the change... you will be better for it.

Through hardship comes ease, through trust comes love, through love for yourself comes happiness.

[Lexigurl82 160]

I ended up moving out of our home. Our lawyers were able to help us come to an agreement and once that was done, I decided to move out of the city. I'm no longer surrounded by those painful memories and phony people who claimed they loved me yet we're loyal to my ex husband. Now I just need to work on my heart and mind. I hate dealing with trigger moments and thoughts of how he rejected me. It hurts so much. Hopefully it will all heal as time goes on.

[NeedaBreak4Me 1,755]

He did not reject you.... you are not the problem.....

HE cheated

HE Controlled

HE had the porn addiction

HE was abusive

HE decided to be disloyal

HE damaged your self esteem

HE chose to be with someone else

HE had family and friends keep this from you

HE did not respect you or your daughter

Stop blaming yourself, it is not rejection of you personally, it is a rejection of the idea of loyalty and commitment.

[kmorri 1,689]

He did not reject you.... you are not the problem.....

HE cheated

HE Controlled

HE had the porn addiction

HE was abusive

HE decided to be disloyal

HE damaged your self esteem

HE chose to be with someone else

HE had family and friends keep this from you

HE did not respect you or your daughter

Stop blaming yourself, it is not rejection of you personally, it is a rejection of the idea of loyalty and commitment.

This exactly!!! It is not your fault!!! This is all due to him being a sorry excuse for a man!! You are way way too good for him!

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

It's been a while since I've made a post. I filed a divorce after 7 years on 1/29/2016. The divorce was finalized last month. Before I filed for a divorce, a former friend told me my then husband at the time had a girlfriend. Not once did he fight for our marriage. Instead, he reached out to many women and found one who was willing to give him a chance. I eventually found out that his mistress knew all about me and they slept together 2 days after our wedding anniversary. That hurt me a lot. My then husband told so many lies on me and people actually believed him. I had to end up cutting every person we ever came in contact with out of my life because they claimed they were on my side, however they were on my husband's team. Inlaws, so called friends--the majority of them knew he had a mistress and failed to correct him about his actions because they valued his presence more than mine and my kid. Not that I like to talk about people but his mistress is extremely overweight and unattractive. My ex-husband is very controlling and narcissistic, so I am aware that he went after her because she has no self-esteem or confidence. She does everything he tells her to. He did the same with me. When I met my ex-husband, I was slightly overweight. Each year during our marriage, I got bigger and bigger. He seemed to be happy with it, always told me I was beautiful. But that was a lie. Now that we are divorced, family members and friends started coming forth and told me how they despised my ex-husband during our marriage because they knew he was a liar, a cheater, and controlling. They told me how it bothered them to see me gain weight and have several health issues, yet my then husband seemed content. Not only that, he didn't struggle with weight and was not very supportive in me losing weight. When I had my surgery in December 2015, he asked me twice if I would leave him once I lost weight. I told him I would leave him if he didn't change. 3 weeks after my surgery, I packed my and my daughter's clothing in trash bags and left. Everyday I hoped he would call, to see where I went, to see if I and my daughter were ok, to see if he wanted me back home but that didn't happen. When I checked our phone records, I saw he reached out to women he claimed he didn't even communicate with. Not once did I get a call or text asking for forgiveness or for me to come back home. And then, day after day I learned how he had a mistress and he slept with numerous prostitutes. And yes, this mistress knew all about me but just did not care, same as my then husband. My ex-husband did everything he could do to tear me down. Locked me out of our home. Slept with the mistress in our bed. Told lies to everyone would listen. In the end, I was able to move in our home and he had to move out. But the memories in the home was just to much to bear. I had to sleep in the guest room because I just could not sleep in our bedroom, where he had his mistress. How could people be so cruel? How could my husband do this to me and my kid? How could his mistress be ok with being with a married man and him mistreating me and a minor child? I guess I will never understand. Now that I am single, how do I move on? I am terrified to date. People compliment me and tell he how great I look since weight loss, but my ex-husband has destroyed all my self esteem. Therefore, I do not believe people when they tell me I look great. I can't even make eye contact with a man because I am afraid of them. It's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself because I am afraid that if I meet someone, that I won't be able to provide them with a relationship. I am just too torn. How do I move past the hurt? How do I move past the pain that my ex-husband inflicted on me and my daughter? All I can do is hope one day I can heal from all this.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

How do you move on and date?

In my opinion, very carefully and very slowly.

It sounds like you need to grieve and recover from your marriage before jumping back into the dating world.

Do you have a good therapist? Have you considered attending a 12 step recovery group like Overeaters Anonymous? Are you attending bariatric support group meetings?

Take the time to get to know yourself, recover and heal (physically and emotionally), learn how strong and resilient you are, and focus on health and wellness.

Another relationship can wait until you are steady in your own feet.

[theantichick 2,204]

I married two narcissistic men, wasted 10 years on each of them. When I think about the life I could have had, it makes me sad. However, it's also been part of what's molded me as a strong independent woman. Here's what I've learned in the process, FWIW. Take what works for you, leave the rest.

My self love and self esteem HAS to come from myself, not from my relationships.

As scary as it is, it really is better to be alone than to be in a crap relationship.

I need significant time (like a year or more) after a relationship ends to get the right perspective on it, and get back to who I really am, because good or bad, I do change when I'm in a relationship. If I don't get back to my normal before starting another, then it's really going to be messed up.

Alone doesn't have to mean lonely. There are people out there who will be my friends and chosen family. Not to mention my blood family. And if I want, I can even have physical relations without being in a relationship. (But I urge great caution with that one, I've only had 1, maybe 2 situations that truly worked out as friends with benefits and didn't get really messed up, and that's in 46 years of life (so a little under 30 years of dating) so the odds aren't good).

There *ARE* good men out there, and even a few that are perfectly right for me. The trick is to recognize them when they show up, because they aren't typically the ones that make my heart flutter at first sight. (That is actually a red flag, because it means I'm playing into my emotional baggage and picking the exact WRONG ones.) The right ones are the ones where the relationship gradually gets deeper and stronger as you get to know the person.

Very often, the right ones don't start showing up until I decide to quit looking for love and just enjoy my life.

And last but not least

Everything Will Be OKAY.