Infidelity (long)

[Candygyrl 637]

Please forgive me if this is long.... And some of you might nail me to the cross for this I've been married going on 15 years. I'm 35 years old with 2 Children 12 and 15. 2 years ago almost to the day I met a guy. Now I may have been what society considers a fat girl but only now am I able to actually express that. I truly did not see myself that way. I was very confident, dressed well, hair did nails did everything did and although I was married-- NEVER had a problem attracting men. I was doing some shopping and kinda ran into this guy and looking back I think he may have strategically planned it but when I looked up there he was. I felt like I had been hit by lightening. He looked me in my eyes and said hello, then walked away. He had me at hello. He was extremely attractive. Why extremely? I could see him being on tv, or a music entertainer and it wouldn't surprise me he was that kind of attractive. My heart was fluttering and I was just a mess. Thinking why I didn't spruce up a bit before I left the house ugh!!! I mean wth, it's just a little harmless flirting. After trying to figure out 50 ways to sunday how I would tell this guy he was cute without coming off as thirsty I ultimately decided against it. I mean guys tell me how attractive I am all the time and it's normal but if a woman does it, it's an automatic signal that she wants you and that's not the message I was trying to send.

Well he found his way over to me again and struck up a conversation. We chatted a few brief moments then I'd shut it down and sashay with my basket over to another isle. He'd find me again. He never came out and flirted with me off rip but these random conversations were a big giveaway. After all he was obviously younger, he must've been nervous and didn't know how to approach me. Well he finally got up the nerve and found me in another isle walked up behind me and whispered in my ear Damn Ms ______ you look so good. Why did he call me Ms. ______ Because I had on a football jersey that had my sons last name and number on the back and I guess he just went from there. Here was my opportunity. I looked over at him as he walked away, tossed my hair, laughed very nonchalantly and said, yeah you too.

Well within moments he had come back with a piece of paper with his name and number written on it. he asked me to call him if I ever needed any home repairs, flooring or tiling. So I smiled and said sure I might just do that. Finally he asked me if I was married and I was truthful and told him yes and he made a case about wanting to be a friend to me, and just be someone I could talk to if I ever needed and that he would never overstep his boundaries. I politely declined and decided it was time to wrap this shopping trip up quick fast and in a hurry. As I was leaving the store I got to my car and popped the trunk I looked up and he was walking toward me eyes fixed. I got scared for a minute and asked "what are you doing?" he said I wanted to help you with your things. Please allow me. (Just like that. No lie) So he put my groceries in the trunk, pleaded his case once more and asked me to just give him a chance. He opened my car door so I could get in, and asked again would you please give me a call. I agreed and pulled off.

I could go into details about how this whirlwind affair unfolded but lets just say it was the best of times-- it was the worst of times. He was 22. No kids. Lived on his own. Had 2 jobs. Very responsible, a real gentleman, Old school. he was everything I never would have expected. I fell in love. lust. whatever. My world had been turned up. side. down. My husband found out, it tore him apart. Our family was broken and it was all my selfish fault. Did we have issues? yes. Nothing major. Nothing worth him being cheated on.

One day. He stopped calling and texting. he just disappeared like a thief in the night. I thought I would have a nervous breakdown. I didn't know what happened, why was there someone else? Did I say something do something? NOW things needed to end don't get me wrong they should have never began. But I started to wonder... would this have happened if I were say 75-100lbs lighter? For the first time I began to feel insecure about the way I looked. My weight never came up. He always told me I was beautiful, attractive, whatever but nothing else made sense. We reconnected and he just told me he had a lot going on with his job and he had to move out of his place and that he just needed to deal with it all and that he would never just leave me without saying a word.

He asked me about my husband and I told him we were working things out. He said I just want to make you happy (whatever that meant). then one day he said listen sweetie, its getting too hard for me not being able to have you when I want and spend time with you and I can't do half relationships. So I said fine. I understand no hard feelings. 8 days pass and I'm heartbroken he calls and says, I miss you so much. I love you, I'm going crazy, I can't sleep, I've been shutting people out cause I only want to be with you. He said he would be in the city and wanted to see me that weekend and it never happened. Then I didn't hear from him anymore. I called, I texted cause I thought he cared. He never responded. Once he returned my call, and I left my phone in the car. He left a message hey baby, call me when you get a chance. I miss u and I love you. Talk to you soon. I called him back, texted him... nothing. So I told myself # 1 I'm trying to work things out with my husband-- why keep this going on. ( I was addicted to him and I could not stop) # 2 He clearly is not that into you. His actions do not line up with his BS words if he really wanted to spend time with you or talk to you he would. #3 LET HIM GO... there must be someone else or he isn't attracted to you or something.

That affair tore me apart mentally. There was no closure. I was left with a empty feeling inside. 4 months later I see him on FB with a girl who and he was now "in a relationship". He was calling SOMEONE... texting SOMEONE just not me.

My husband and I are back together. I won't say he's fully recovered there are definitely trust issues there that will take a lot of effort on my part to restore. I do regret that affair. If I could do it over I would have run for the hills!!! I have convinced myself that (although it was wrong my ego was hurt still the same and my confidence completely SHAKEN) he did that because I was fat and he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I've had a problem with flirting and getting myself in trouble with the hubby in previous years before I gained weight. Then I started gaining weight as a way to keep me honest, thinking guys wouldn't be as attracted to me and I could be content in my marriage and not wander off. it was working although I still got hit on.

I never want to go down that road again. But honestly 2 months after things ended I decided to have WLS. Now I didn't have surgery until 1 year later because although that was the catalyst I didn't want that to be the only reason. I needed to do it for me. My health, and my well being. I'm much better today. But I was just curious if anyone else had the feeling a relationship ended or never took off because of their weight. Or if you've had trouble staying faithful since weight loss. I will be honest, when I get to goal. I will have a professional photo shoot as my reward. My friend agreed to post a pic of me as her WCW as he is her friend on facebook-- to ensure he see's the new and improved me. (I know, petty) but It's only for my personal satisfaction but trust me I will never travel that road again. EVER again.

My hubby has loved me through it all and he deserves my LOYALTY. But sometimes I don't trust myself and wonder will old habits find their way back when I lose all the weight?

[Christinamo7 4,042]

I think you have to examine all the reasons you went down that road in the first place....... what was going on within yourself and at home that made you feel like you needed this other thing?

also, secondly - you have to decide what *your own* values are, what kind of a woman you want to be and what you want your own future to look like.

my husband and I recovered from a bout of infidelity oh, about 12 years ago? because we both addressed the reasons within him and within our marriage why he strayed - set new boundaries on interactions with those of the opposite gender and decided what we *really* wanted out of life was to be together, to raise our children together and to be together for our grandchildren to come. That was how we saw our lives and values and we have never regretted doing the hard work to fix things. If you two decide that is what you want, you can do the same.

[sharonintx 1,275]

I'm gonna tell you the answer to your problem in 4 words. It isn't worth it.

Mind your business and realize that the issue lies within you. You won't find what you seek through sexual relationships with men other than your husband. Whatever it is you seek can only come from within.

Be good to yourself and don't engage in behavior that is hurtful to your loved ones or to you. In hurting someone else you will only hurt yourself more.

[higher 966]

I wouldn't chalk his behavior up to your weight honey. He was a young guy actively seeking a relationship with a married woman - if he was looking for something serious and long term to be devoted to he wouldn't have proceeded with a MARRIED woman.

Plus, he was clearly attracted to you as you were.

There are definitely guys out there who chubby chase in secret, they go after the big girls but have the skinny wife at home. That behavior is messed up - but that doesn't sound like it was the case in your situation at all.

It sounds like you had a fun, frisky, thrilling affair until it wasn't fun anymore. Just try to remember the good stuff when you need a turn on and leave it at that.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@Candygyrl - Yep, sounds like you were seduced. Some guys are predatory and they seem to spot low hanging fruit, not saying this was the case, but I've seen it. Now recovering from an affair is hard and it does require a great deal of investment.

An affair to a woman is very different than it is to a man. His hurt is that you disrespected him. That would not be your hurt if the situation was reversed. So please look at it from his perspective. (And this is interesting, nearly every book I see about recovering from infidelity and healing is from a woman's perspective. Guys who have been cheated on seem to leave, kill, or get over it. I'm sure there are exceptions, but not much written about it.).

At least you are not being tempted at this point. So you don't have lust playing with your emotions. But you have body issues as well as healing in the relationship. Those are two very different things. Deal with these separately. If hubby suspects you are losing weight so the 22 year old's will keep coming, he is going to resent any positive change. If you succeed at losing and he knows this, well it would be difficult to keep going IMHO.

I am not one to judge because to me monogamy is not natural. Never has been. I've met very few people that have only slept with one person ever. And when I have they have all been that way because of perceived social pressures, not because they were not tempted. I was faithfully married for 21 years. It has only been post marriage where I started really re-examining my beliefs towards marriage.

With my ex, we had negotiated complete fidelity within the marriage. I won't do that, nor expect in future relationship. I am completely happy with it now, but this has been a subject I have discussed with my significant other, and we are coming to a meeting of the minds in this area. I am of the mind that relationships should not be ruined because of sex. In the course of the marriage, kids happen, too much work happens and one partner can just lose interest...does that mean you have to rip up a relationship because one has needs and the other doesn't? It is worth discussing down the road, but for now you have some healing to do. Good luck.

[Dub 9,922]

I'm gonna tell you the answer to your problem in 4 words. It isn't worth it.

Mind your business and realize that the issue lies within you. You won't find what you seek through sexual relationships with men other than your husband. Whatever it is you seek can only come from within.

Be good to yourself and don't engage in behavior that is hurtful to your loved ones or to you. In hurting someone else you will only hurt yourself more.

Succinct

Accurate

Well said !

[higher 966]

You won't find what you seek through sexual relationships with men other than your husband.

Really, that depends on what you're seeking!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So painful. I did not have an affair so I can't exactly relate, but I think I relate to that feeling of an empty spot in your heart that you try to fill. In my past I have tried to fill it with food, even alcohol but those were short term fixes. I wonder if the tendency toward "flirting" is something similiar - trying to fill a painful, empty spot in your own heart. I am not a huge counseling advocate, but it seems to me that examining yourself right now, perhaps with a counselor can be super beneficial. I lost 150# and I call 2013 as my crazy year because I was so disoriented. If I was prone to using flirting/temptations/men to fill that emotional void - it would have been bad. It might be helpful to tackle this stuff BEFORE you lose weight because WLS, rapid weight loss, becoming thin is a head trip for some of us ... and you may go through some tough, and emotional times.

So, I had a past relationship that I had just a hard time letting go of. It wasn't even the relationship, it was the IDEA of the relationship that was painful. So, there was a phrase that I found hurtful "move on let go" and I made it my password on something I logged onto daily. It stabbed me in the heart everytime I typed it, but in about 1-2 months it stopped doing that. I changed the password, and I no longer felt that wanting.

If I were you, I would remove yourself (or him or whatever) from any contact, any social media, delete his number. There is no reason you should even know who he is dating...

Good luck in working this out. I am single after being in 2 long term relationships basically my whole adult life... and although there are things about singledom I love; having a loving supportive husband is a lot better.

[Candygyrl 637]

OMG thank you guys for your words of support. This thing has been weighing heavy on my heart for the last 2 years. There's not a day that passes that I don't think of him, but as time goes on I think of him far less.

@@Christinamo7 I agree. I went into counseling for severe depression for about 4 months. She helped me to let go and identify why I landed here to begin with. She gave me the tools to recover my self esteem and improve myself, my thinking and my responses so that I could be a better partner to and for my husband.

@@sharonintx you couldn't have said it better... coming out the other end of this-- it took me a year to finally say if I had the choice to do it all over again. I would NOT!!!! I had deluded myself into thinking if I had done this differently or said this or wore that then maybe this, and maybe that... NO. It was not worth it AT ALL. It wasn't worth the pain it caused my husband-- he took it so hard he acted very irrational and told our children and anyone who would listen. The energy it took to lie and deceive, the mental anquish, the constant fighting, the embarrassment, the pain, It just wasn't worth it.

@Higher--Thanks but my heart tells me otherwise and I'm at peace with that.

@@OKCPirate You're absolutely right! I was seduced... I made it more than what really was because I was trying to have the things I was missing in my marriage fulfilled through him.

@@CowgirlJane I have deleted all contact and will highly reconsider posting "After" pics to my friends FB page in the hopes that he see's it. WHO cares-- I'm happy, he was a kid, there was never any future with us. He deserves to have fun and share his time and life with someone who is available for HIM whom he can build a life with.

That doesn't mean my marriage is perfect, because it's far from it. I'm working on the issues I have now before the weight loss so that I'm prepared when the changes come about because lets face it they will come and I don't want to be another statistic.

[Dawnislas 74]

I will say as a woman whose husband cheated 13 years ago, I truly learned what a broken heart felt like. We separated, divorced, and eventually reconciled. But there are few days that go by that something doesn't remind me of that time in our life. I see my life as before the affair and then after. After I am still a bitter woman and sometimes can't stand him because of this huge betrayal. Some days I hate that I fought so hard to reconcile that marriage. Other days I am fine and see how hard he tries to make it up to me. He has changed but that trust is so broken that it will never be repaired. He knows if it ever happens again, I will be gone and he will be left to pick up the pieces. This time it is just me, before we had a teenage daughter that had to be cared for. I think if you want the open relationship then both sides have to agree. If you married with fidelity being an understood or unspoken expectation of the marriage, it has to be honored or end the relationship and then move on to the next. I hope my weight loss doesn't cause other men to pay attention to me but if it does I'll probably be so oblivious to me I won't even know it.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

Edited January 11, 2017 by Dawnislas

[Candygyrl 637]

Never Say Never.... I created this topic in August of 2016. Today is Feb 2017 and as I read back over this I think I knew all along it could happen. Lets just say I did travel back down that road. I've lost close to 85 lbs and with all my newfound interests... I never stopped thinking about "him".

Soooooo one day I was out with friends and I got the impulsive urge to reach out to him So I did by requesting him as a friend on FB. He responded the following day on fb messenger and seemed very happy to hear from me. He text me his phone number and explained how much he missed me and was so happy to hear from me. So we went back and forth and although we didn't have a lot of time he was eager to meet up with me if only for a hug and quick hello. I was super excited to reveal my new self to him and he seemed already excited to see me the way he knew me. We met up briefly and the smile on his face was worth it all. We hugged and agreed to keep in touch and link up real soon. When I walked away he grabbed me again, hugged me and said damn baby you look soooo good I miss everything about you. I was satisfied with having just seen him. I figured he wouldn't follow through with further contact.

Well we remained in contact. We did meet up all the old feelings never left and I was once again in love but very cautious. What was I doing? The man I'm married to has gone through enough already. BUT I couldn't stop myself I was already in too deep. This time it was different. I was getting what I needed from him. He was highly responsive to my texts, He initiated. almost like he had a 2nd chance to make a 1st impressionHe even said I thought I would never see you again. I never forgot you and don't think I haven't tried to find you. COme to find out when we started texting through FB messenger I saw 4 previous attempts over the last 2 years where he attempted to reach out to me. The most recent attempt prior to my December contact to him was May 2016. For some reason I never got them. It looks like he sent them and I just never responded.

Anyways Everything was awesome I was having my cake and eating it too. I know it wasn't fair to my husband but I really needed to obtain closure from this situation. I needed validation, affirmation and I was getting a little more than that. Well a little more than a month since we reunited, my husband found out that I had been back in contact with him and he was of course devastated, heartbroken you name it. He did reach out to the young man and he was very apologetic to my husband. He did continue to contact me and even though I shouldn't have I welcomed his contact and we continued to make plans to spend time together. Several days after my husband found out... I received a text message from the guys phone. I guess his girlfriend was notifying me that he had one.

She then left a vm on my phone screaming at the young man and demanding he tell her he has a GF and a baby on the way. I was hurt because he lied to me. I asked him several times if he had someone and he adamantly told me no. He knew my marital status therefore he had no reason to lie. He later told me that he thought if he admitted to having a GF he would lose me. I told him that we both need to go fix our lives accept that we are not meant to be in each others lives and I wished him the best.

I did not feel bad about the GF because if he had been honest she may not have ever found out. (twisted thinking) Because I thought he was single, I contacted him when it was convienient for me. If id known about his GF I would have been more considerate. I do feel bad for my hubby although he understands how this guy affected me and that I needed closure I hate stepping on his heart to get it. Well I got it. It never had anything to do with the way I looked-- he just wished things were different because he developed feelings for me. The best way to get over what he could not have was to move on. He did think I looked amazing but did not comment on the weight loss.

My husband and I have patched things up and you would think that he was the one that messed up because I've been getting flowers and candy and edible arrangements, trips to the jewelry store etc. My husband says he feels relieved and believes he finally has me back totally as he knows how I had been previously tormented.

In the end I know it was wrong, it was very selfish of me to have an affair in the first place it was dead wrong for me to reach out to him recently. it all worked out though and I do not regret it. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders-- I don't really think about him anymore. Really now-- I could care less.

[dredfern 24]

Boy, I sure do feel sorry for your husband, he deserves better...

[Candygyrl 637]

@dredfern I wholeheartedly agree. My husband deserves better than what I gave him. he deserves better PERIOD. We're in counseling now. My contact with the young man has stopped. He did reach out to me last week to check on me but I told him I was fine and that he shouldn't call me again. He wanted me to know that he loved me and really wish things could be different because I truly make him happy. I feel the same-- but I know it would never work. Its all just a fantasy. I choose to be a better partner to my husband and work to fix our issues so that we can have a healthy and happy relationship, or agree to let it go and move on. No one deserves to have their heart crushed. I am doing whatever I can to repair, rebuild and restore.

[tomi71 581]

[mention=307585]dredfern[/mention] I wholeheartedly agree. My husband deserves better than what I gave him. he deserves better PERIOD. We're in counseling now. My contact with the young man has stopped. He did reach out to me last week to check on me but I told him I was fine and that he shouldn't call me again. He wanted me to know that he loved me and really wish things could be different because I truly make him happy. I feel the same-- but I know it would never work. Its all just a fantasy. I choose to be a better partner to my husband and work to fix our issues so that we can have a healthy and happy relationship, or agree to let it go and move on. No one deserves to have their heart crushed. I am doing whatever I can to repair, rebuild and restore.

I'm going through something similar only I'm on the business end of the situation and I'll spare you the lecture of how horrible it feels to be cheated on by someone you love so dearly. What stands out to me is you're taking responsibility for your actions, that both you and your husband are in counseling, and equally important is you've stopped contact with the young man. That is SUPER important if things are to work.

I hope in counseling the therapist is getting you to address and explore that part of you that compelled you to have the relationship with the man. It's important to get to the bottom of why and your husband needs to know why. It may seem obvious but there's usually a lot more to the story than meets the eye.

For me, it's flattering...very flattering...to be fancied by a man but I love my husband and want my marriage intact. So when temptation shows up I've to think of how hard divorce can be & ask myself do I really want to live with buyers remorse that can come with an affair and that usually does it for me.Lol

Plus.......

my husband is struggling because of my PTSD. I've suffered with the PTSD monster for many years which has caused me to come across as uninterested towards him, which couldn't be further from the truth. What is the truth is that I was viciously attacked in Mexico while he was out to sea (Navy) and almost killed. I had to defend myself or die. As a result the anxiety and OCD I've had since childhood exacerbated into crippling anxiety, OCD and major depressive disorder for which I take meds. The weight of it all killed my soul and it wore him down.

The attack happened 24 years ago and I only told him 2 years ago. I never got help to really deal with the issues until very recently because I was scared about what exactly was going on with me and what his reaction might be when he found out.

At any rate, because of my behavior of being distant and untrusting and cold, instead of turning in to me, he turned away from me, which devastated me greatly. I think he was/is scared, angry, definitely feels rejected and hurt that I didn't tell him and he says he feels guilty that he wasn't there to protect me.

We are working through it though and I have learned that his decision to turn away from me is his $hit not mine... his actions are not my burden to carry & visa versa. So I make no apologies for waiting so long to tell him. Hell, it took me 5 years to even tell my psychiatrist. I do make amends for the bad decisions I've made because of my PTSD.

What I'm trying to say is after a loss of 100+ pounds and getting into shape and going on a fabulous cruise just a few months ago, I thought we were on the right track.

The woman he was "involved" with was 100lbs bigger, married and miserable. Lol so he definitely wasn't thinking straight either. Jumping from a frying pan into a fryer wouldn't have helped him.

We are slowly healing, taking it day by day.

My belief is that some couples need periodic counseling whether they're in a good place or not, to help keep the foundation strong. Had we done that I really think we'd not be in the spot we are in now.

Marriage can be hard at times so counseling as needed gives a safe place to air out dirty laundry, teaches how to set healthy boundaries, which in turn can strengthen and keep the marriage bond growing.

My "lecture" probably sounds pontifical but I really hope you guys make it and move past this and Celebrate a life time of marital happiness together. Don't give up!

[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

I think fantasizing about other people is perfectly fine. But if one feels compelled to take it a step further and cheat, or try other things, they should examine the relationship they're in, presuming it's monogamous. Monogamy isn't natural anyways. But, when one marries a person, whether you want to call it a religious bonding or a contract, it's something to be 100% honest about, with yourself and your partner. There's nothing wrong per se with that desire to be with other people, but it would be fair to the partner to end the relationship first. Rest assured if my wife had cheated on me (and I caught it or she told me), that would have broken our marriage contract and that would have been the end of it, no questions asked. Likewise, if I ever felt compelled to be with anyone else I'd tell her first. Don't see it as an issue really.. while we've been married 7 years, I'm perfectly happy and apparently so is she. While it's commendable OP (who may be gone after this post which was done like 8 months ago) found a way to counselling after cheating, if I was the guy I'd not have bothered. If one is willing to try out other fish in the sea it's only fair the other person have that chance as well, and since I'm not willing to cheat in a relationship I entered into with a sole person, only makes sense to break it off.