I am not a cryer: The Food Bucket List

[gina171 626]

You're doing really good, really difficult, work....good for you. I think I can speak for many of us and say we're proud of your hard work.

It will pay off, in spades.

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[AMS3188 33]

@@KristenLe I did the exact same thing with my food bucket list, now my "things I want to do" list is super long, and it helps me to go back and look at it when I am feeling blue about this whole process. p.s. OMG calzonneeeesss.

@@fatgirlsvelte I feel like we might be the same person, lol. Do you know when your surgery date is going to be? At first I wanted to get mine over with asap, but now I feel sort of lucky to have had the time to do (some of) the emotional work before the physical stuff. If I look back, I've really been working towards this for years.

[fatgirlsvelte 217]

Thanks Gina, appreciate it.

We have some pretty incredible hurdles to scale...and that's why we are all here together, I think.

You're doing really good, really difficult, work....good for you. I think I can speak for many of us and say we're proud of your hard work.

It will pay off, in spades.

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Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[fatgirlsvelte 217]

AMS3188—maybe we are

No surgery date yet—five more months of this class and then I'll know. (Maybe a bit sooner since I'm doing Bariatric seminars this Wednesday, pretty far ahead of schedule).

Am really thrilled that there is much of a time period that my insurance requires for backleg work on the surgery. I've already frequented the psychology department for two years prior to making this decision for Bariatric to address Binge Eating Disorder, but now that I'm in it deep; around people who are dealing with the same issues with 1-3 times per week, that are the same weight and/or heavier, that have co-morbidities that are terrifying...it makes everything "real," not just a few of psychiatrists who are lean telling you that you have an addiction and an eating disorder and walking through DSM procedural advice...but it's worth it.

Wouldn't be comfortable going into surgery at this point, especially after this exercise. I've got a lot of work to do yet, and none of it involves eating all the food on this list.

Well, except for citrus and coffee. I'm holding on to those for dear life right now.

@@fatgirlsvelte I feel like we might be the same person, lol. Do you know when your surgery date is going to be? At first I wanted to get mine over with asap, but now I feel sort of lucky to have had the time to do (some of) the emotional work before the physical stuff. If I look back, I've really been working towards this for years.

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[AMS3188 33]

@@fatgirlsvelte I'm really impressed by all the work you are doing, and I do believe it will benefit you so much after surgery. I'm pretty young and healthier than my docs expected, but some co-morbidities are already creeping up on me. Personally, I've been in treatment for psych stuff almost my whole life, and finally dealing with my weight seems like just one more thing that can liberate me. For me, depression/suicidality made my world so narrow, even though I couldn't see it at the time. I think that my weight has done a similar thing, and once I get it down some I will truly realize how much it was cutting me off from the rest of the world. I also have struggled with eating disorders including BED and have hit so many check marks in the DSM, but when it comes down to it, what matters the most is my lived experience. It helps me to remind myself that I deserve to live a full and happy life; I don't need to limit myself in the ways I did before. I am brave enough to stop hiding within my depression, and part of that for me is hiding inside of my weight and self-soothing with food. Not to be too sappy, but I think I just need to keep telling myself that I deserve better than the life I have created for myself so far. Anyway, that was a ramble, lol. All I really meant to say was that I hear you!

[IMissVegas 23]

I am not a cryer.

Today, I made the food Bucket List...and when talking myself through it in my YouTube vlog, I cried.

I have avoided doing this because the initial idea of the exercise was terrible to me. We are fat...so why spend the six months we are supposed to be learning to disconnect with food eating our desires? The Options program leader said it was time for me to finish the assignment, as the others in my class already had and were talking about it gleefully; rolled my eyes and said I'd have it done before the next class.

Never before has my brain comprehended it's learned reality that food equals happiness; that food was the bright spot in a lifetime of a lot of pain...and the grief washed over me. It was totally unexpected. I tried to recover, but it killed my energy, and I had to have a long heart-to-heart with myself this afternoon about reality versus perception; that food truly is not happiness, and that I (we) are addicted to it.

I've been told this countless times in eating disorder counseling the last two years. I could recite the words...but today, I comprehended them.

The exercise of going through writing down all the foods that will be off limits in five months, or that I won't be able to have en masse with family and friends...coming through to the other side was too much to handle. Psychologically, my brain literally connected the following foods to the best moments in my life: traveling, NY Fashion Week, celebrations, love...and for just a brief moment, it thought that I was writing happiness off as a death wish.

Well, I took a really long nap (emotional exhaustion?), and now I'm through to the other side of this, and can see how amazingly wonderful this exercise was for the process—it was hard, but I made the connection:

With this, now I can go back to the past in a way, and address each of these foods as I travel not as happiness, but simply as fuel for the experiences around me. I don't desire the foods, I desire the flashes of brilliance surrounding the food. It's going to be a long five months—but here I go.

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The good news is that it does get easier to give up favorite foods, but in my case, it forced me to find other things that made me happy. I started with hot bubble baths. Then it was loom knitting. Then Water walking and swimming. I recently discovered that I enjoy classical music. And now I'm playing Pokemon Go. Who knew there was so much fun in the world?

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[eliminnowp 113]

Who knew there was so much fun in the world.

I love this.

[LaDivaDev 129]

Note: this is totally hitting the nail right on the head, btw. Sent the list to my best friend, and her response was, "OMG—such awesome memories of us at Olive Garden and Buffalo Wild Wings!" Then, "...what a realization to have."

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I totally understand you on this! But also remember, you will have some seriously fun and awesome moments with your loved ones again in the future, you'll just be making different food choices. AAANNNNDDD, let's not forget that there are some amazing resources out there for us regarding Bariatric cooking...including WLS-friendly desserts!

I'm rooting for you, every rough step of the way!!!

[piemonade 25]

I love you all. Many of us have identical struggles.

I cried reading this. I'm one week in, plus 2 weeks liquid preparation diet.

I thought I couldn't live without Dr Pepper and sugary Venti hot Chai from Starbucks. I sip, sip, sipped one or the other all day every day.

When I started the 2 week diet, I didn't do any "lasts" because I'd been doing "one last pigout" every Sunday before my Monday failed diet started for years. I made this one different.

The shocking thing is... I downed so much caffeine and sugar constantly BECAUSE I felt so tired and run down... then I started the 2 week pre op diet, and I felt amazing. I didn't feel worn out, sick, constantly exhausted anymore after the first 2 days. It hit me...

The stuff I thought was keeping me surviving busy days with five kids? It was actually the stuff that kept me on a constant sugar crash and unable to sleep well at night, so I was exhausted mombie by day.

This week, I found myself wishing I'd truly done a high Protein diet without any sugary drinks years ago. It never would've gotten this baf. But then again, without surgery looming... I probably never would have stuck to it long enough to know.

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