First Time Dating... Ever

[Steph0625 50]

So I'm 22 and have never been on a date before. I decided to try POF (online dating) and have guys messaging me now. I've been interested in a few and they always ask why I'm single. I like to be honest so I tell the ones I'm really interested in that I was shy and overweight most of my life (or something like that) and that I recently had VSG. Some take it well, others don't ( I don't really care lol)

My problem is that this is completely uncharted territory for me, and I'm just not sure how to act. I don't really want it to be obvious that I've never dated when we go out. Because I have no idea how to be with someone as more than friends.

It's bad enough to deal with that, but I'm also hesitant because I have quite a bit of loose skin. Most guys in their 20s aren't used to this being an issue. It has become my biggest insecurity now. But I don't want that to hold me back either...

Any advice for me? Anyone else experience this?

[4u2nvyme 96]

Girl you are young, live it up and have fun. You dont have to tell them about your surgery. Truthfully I wouldnt say anything unless am going into a serious relationship with the person. Let the insecurities go and go on dates if it works out great if not their loss. Congrats on the weight loss and hope all works out for you.

Sent from my SM-G930T using the BariatricPal App

[Steph0625 50]

Thanks! I'm not ashamed or hiding any aspect of my journey. I believe in honesty and would rather they know and still go forward with it than have to explain why I eat so little later (or why I need to eat so often). But I don't tell every single guy that messages me either. Just the ones I think might become something more.

I just feel like it's really rare nowadays to be 22 and never have dated before. It makes the idea of a first date even more nerve wracking.

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@Steph0625 Do fun things, get out with some friends, go dancing, join a club (running, biking, hiking, etc). You're young and will meet many guys that won't mind some extra skin and will love you no matter what!!!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Trust me, you're not the only late bloomer in the world.

For now, just think of all this as "practice." You gotta practice to get good at anything.

Have fun. But be appropriately skeptical.

[lifeofblair 308]

I was the same way! I started dating in March. it's been fun go see what's out there and to go on dates. Nothing has stuck yet, but it's fun trying!! I've never brought up surgery or anything. I just say I eat healthy and work out just general stuff. Now if it goes anywhere I would, but nothing has yet.

[Justin Curtis 78]

Dating has been difficult for me since the surgery. I was sleeved back in december and started dating in the spring. I have dated 3 different people and this last one has been going on 2months now and i think its going well. I feel like i can trust someone better that i knew before i lost all my weight. You tend to get a lot more attention now than you do before you lost the weight.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

(online dating) and have guys messaging me now. I've been interested in a few and they always ask why I'm single.

I'm just not sure how to act. I don't really want it to be obvious that I've never dated when we go out. Because I have no idea how to be with someone as more than friends.

I just want to throw a few thoughts out. Whether you find them worth considering is up to you.

It seems odd to me for an age-appropriate man to ask a young woman why she's single. I don't do dating websites, but have been told that many phrases are code. "Why are you single?" may be another way of asking "What's wrong with you?," which leaves the same question for the male to answer. Regardless of that, I do believe that "Why are you single?" has one result only: To put the party being asked on the defensive in one way or another. My point is that you don't have to turn cartwheels for anyone; you don't have to pass anyone's test.

It sounds as though you have male friends. Why not ask for input from the one or two who are most sensible and comfortable to talk with about this?

As far as how to "act," pretty much as you do in other social situations. If you're hoping to feel a pitter-pat in your chest or butterflies in your tum, well, that often is part of the process. Those feelings do tend to diminish over time as the people learn each other better and don't feel the pressure of "first date syndrome." A good relationship always has a spark, but some time along the way, there still is laundry that needs to be done.

I believe in honesty and would rather they know and still go forward with it than have to explain why I eat so little later (or why I need to eat so often). But I don't tell every single guy that messages me either. Just the ones I think might become something more.

I just feel like it's really rare nowadays to be 22 and never have dated before. It makes the idea of a first date even more nerve wracking.

Honesty, a good thing in general, but timing is everything. It's healthy that you feel no shame about surgery or having been obese. When it comes to meeting someone after some talks, however, it seems to me that to reveal your weight/surgery history up front is, in effect, preparing or apologizing to the new person, as though there is something shameful. You have nothing to explain or apologize for.

It's not as rare for a 22-year old not to have dated as you may think. The others just aren't as open as you or haven't found a non-threatening venue to discuss it.

@@Steph0625 Do fun things, get out with some friends, go dancing, join a club (running, biking, hiking, etc).

Excellent suggestions. If you put yourself in places doing what you enjoy, you'll be among people who share the interest. It's the old "two birds with one stone." At worst, you'll have had a good time.

I'm sure you know all the caveats, but they bear repeating.

- Meet only in public places that are well-populated

- You pick the place, one familiar and comfortable for you

- Suggest first get-togethers that will offer maximum options for conversation, e.g., a bike ride or hike (again, in a populated park) has built-in topics. Bars and restaurants aren't all that conducive unless the people really are comfortable and have much to say to each other.

- When meeting someone for the first or third time, let a reliable friend know who, where and when. Be sure your cellphone is fully charged before you start out. Check in with your friend when you head back home and maybe even once you arrive.

- This last tip is from a man. When it's time to go, be sure that he drives off first so that you can feel reasonably confident that you won't be followed. For someone to follow out of curiosity but no ill intent is ill in and of itself.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@Steph0625, I forgot.

You'll come across the good, the bad and the ugly on the websites and other dating options. Always apply high standards. You have the right to choose; it's your responsibility to yourself.

You also wrote that, at 22, it's nerve-racking. Let me whisper this: It was nerve-racking at 16 or so and it stays that way whenever someone wants to get into the dating pool. Mostly.

@@KristenLe, I tried to give you a "like" on your note, but my "like" function isn't registering there.

Edited July 24, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@Steph0625, one other thing.

If you come across someone who sounds meetable, but there is any geographic distance, he's the one to make the trip. This is a subsection under "choose a meeting place that is comfortable for you." If you're in Houston and Mr. Fortunate is in LaGrange, let him make the trip. Your comfort level and peace of mind when meeting strangers come before anything else.

Have a good night.

Signed,

Your doting mother hen

Edited July 25, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[FinallyFit50s 202]

Awhile back, OKCPirate wrote something that made a lot of sense for me. It's a numbers game. Go out have fun and date...date...date. Enjoy all that dating has to offer. Meet new people, have new adventures. You'll find out quickly enough what you like, don't like, and your must-haves. I'm a whole heck of a lot older than you, but I feel like I've started anew. This dating thing is FUN!!! (All the safety hints are true...) Addtionally, I take a pic of the guy and send it to my friends. We also agree that after X amount of time, I or they will call just to check in. (My daughter loves doing the check in...lmao)

[IMissVegas 23]

Please be very careful of POF. I used to find dates there but now there are a lot of scammers. Try meetup.com for events in your area.

Sent from my SM-N920P using the BariatricPal App

[Steph0625 50]

Thanks everyone for the advice! Of course you have to be careful when meeting people you've spoken to online. I was skeptical because of that.

For those that say to just do things I enjoy, I do try to meet people that way. But when the only thing you do is go to the gym after work, and occasionally go out to the bars (country dancehall) it's kinda hard to find people to connect with. I just don't have a lot of people that have time to go do things with me, or our schedules don't match up very well.

I'm also very shy when it comes to flirting and getting to know a guy that I might be interested in. Idk if thats from lack of practice, being overweight/unnoticed my whole life, or just a quirk of mine. So I have a hard time meeting guys when I am doing the things I enjoy. I'm pretty sure I have resting b*tch face when I'm at the gym lol

[FinallyFit50s 202]

Lol, I have the mean face too...it's not like I am trying to be that way. It's usually I'm in thought. There is Tinder, an app that you can try. It's known as a hookup site, but I've met some really nice guys off of it. It links to your Facebook page, so I would suggest you make a new one just for dating, also get a new email and a google number...again, just for dating. Once a guy is deemed "worthy" you can give him your real number.

I've had to take myself off of discovery as I was chatting with too many guys. Aww, heck,,,it has been an absolute BLAST!!! I actually told my mother that I'm dating. This morning I realized that I have had more dates in the last 3 1/2 months than in my entire teenage years...

Try it, you both have to swipe right to be connected. Can't hurt...I also put in my little profile (not that guys really read them...No marrieds, separated, open relationships and NO Hookups!)

Good luck...enjoy the you that you've always wanted to be!

[KristenLe 5,979]

Thanks everyone for the advice! Of course you have to be careful when meeting people you've spoken to online. I was skeptical because of that.

For those that say to just do things I enjoy, I do try to meet people that way. But when the only thing you do is go to the gym after work, and occasionally go out to the bars (country dancehall) it's kinda hard to find people to connect with. I just don't have a lot of people that have time to go do things with me, or our schedules don't match up very well.

I'm also very shy when it comes to flirting and getting to know a guy that I might be interested in. Idk if thats from lack of practice, being overweight/unnoticed my whole life, or just a quirk of mine. So I have a hard time meeting guys when I am doing the things I enjoy. I'm pretty sure I have resting b*tch face when I'm at the gym lol

Have you thought about therapy for dealing with self confidence issues? I think we all could benefit from it.

Now, if I were 22 again - I'd smile at a cute cowboy at the dancehall and see what happens. ????. But I'm 48 and in a relationship and so thankful I don't have to do the whole dating thing again (although I wouldn't mind flirting with a cute cowboy or 2. I avoided relationships for many years and finally decided I needed to do something and joined online dating.

Just relax, be yourself and have fun!