Go public or stay private?

[gpjess 15]

How did you decide to go public or not to go public?

I am one who gets embarrassed easily but I am also one who feels closer to people when I can relate to them.

Trying to decide if I should keep this a private matter or be more open with the process.

Any suggestions?

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[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Keep is private until you are sure. Once you go public you can never go back, plus it is for the rest of your life. 10 years from now you will still be that person that had WLS to other people, even when you feel normal.

[BarefootDrummer 108]

My surgery is July 27th and I've really struggled with this. I feel like people tend to think they can spew their opinions at you if you're having WLS. I think because they see it more as surgery than weight loss/personal decision. I think there are a lot of people out there who have never truly struggled with obesity and who also do not know anything about WLS who feel like WLS is taking the easy way out or cheating. When in reality it is a really hard thing to do. I feel like it's committing to a diet for life, like it's so much bigger and harder than any other diet I've ever committed to. I just don't want to deal with their judgement or negative comments. I told my best friend (who also struggles with obesity) but then I didn't even tell my husband about it through 5 months of my required supervised diet. I finally told him last month, a day before I went in for my EGD. He is being super supportive and I need him on my side. I think I will not tell anyone else right now. I feel like it is such a personal thing. What business is it of theirs? Maybe after surgery, when I've lost a lot of weight, I will feel different about that. But for now, this was a hard enough decision to make, I don't need their negativity to get in the way.

I talked to the psychologist about this at my appointment and he said you have people who go both ways, those who tell anyone and everyone, sharing every step on social media, and those who keep it totally private. He said there really was no wrong way and to do what feels best to you.

I do agree with the post above though - you can't take it back. So sit on the thought for awhile and make sure of your decision before you tell anyone. Word spreads fast.

[gowalking 10,790]

Here's the thing.... When someone who is obese, starts to lose alot of weight fast, everyone knows that person likely had bariatric surgery.

Believe me...you're not keeping anything secret. Especially with women. I work in an office that's pretty evenly split between males and females and there is a good sized number of both who's first language is not English. So I've gotten very personal questions from many of the women...they can zero in on it very quickly. The men...not so much, but especially the men who are not from here and are not aware that telling me I'm not so fat anymore is not acceptable. Yes...I've heard that statement more than once. I can laugh now, but at the time...nope.

What I eventually did at work was tell the truth to those who I knew were in need of it. I'm talking about others struggling with their weight who I know really needed an honest answer. The others I told only what they needed to know, and no more.

Now...as far as family goes...same thing. They'll know something is up when the weight starts to literally melt off. You can do the same as with co-workers and tell or not based on individual circumstances, or you can have a mother like I do who told everyone..and I mean everyone, about my being banded. Hell, even her neighbors know me as the 'banded one' when they see me and my sister. Even my financial planner knows because my mother has no filter. Really.

[AvaFern 3,516]

I agree with the first post- wait until you are sure. I chose to keep my surgery private. I told my three best friends, and three years later, those are the only people that know. I did not tell my boyfriend, several of my very close other friends, or anyone at work. Part of the reason for this was because a few years earlier a girl at work had lapband. When she lost weight it was just because she had surgery, not because she worked hard, and when she gained it all back, all anyone said was, well she cheated, of course it didn't work. Are those things true? Of course not, but the fact that you will always be the person who had weight loss surgery is something that is true and it is something I did not want to deal with.

A few people who knew I had lost a lot of weight and had plastics have flat out asked me if I had bariatric surgery and I have lied. I feel no regret. It is my call who knows about my medical history and aside from my plastics surgeon who knows about it, I did not even tell my other doctors because it is not relevant to my care. To be fair, I have a medical background so I know when it matters and when it doesn't, so not telling your PCP is not the greatest plan if you don't have a medical background.

People will judge you and they will be rude. If that is something you feel won't bother you, then tell people, but I knew that I did not want to be known for the rest of my life as being the girl that was only thin because she had her stomach cut out. There is no shame in having the surgery or in telling others, but keeping it to ourselves is our right and a decision that I am extremely happy everyday that I chose to make.

[Pup 217]

I've kept it private except for a couple close friends....I didn't even tell my mom. I simply didn't want her to worry about me having surgery...I may tell her sometime.

I chose to keep it quite so I didn't have everyone judging me on everything thing I put in my mouth., wondering if I should eat that are not. I also get embarrassed easy and I'm not comfortable with attention, i didn't want people to always be asking me how I am, is it hard, do you miss food, how much have you lost ect....

I'm so happy with my decision.

I would not lie if anyone ever ask me straight out, if I had surgery.

I think it's completely your call. We are all so different.

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[8petals 57]

It's definitely a personal choice. For me, I'm choosing to keep it private. Only my fiancé, siblings, and two close friends (one who has had bariatric surgery) know. I'm a very private person, and don't want the negativity and unnecessary comments that can be very cruel. Some people are open books and share with everyone. As I said, it's a very personal choice, so think about down the road too. My one friend told everyone and now regrets it. She's 7 yrs post-op and to many people, she's still the "girl who got weightloss surgery." It doesn't define you as an individual.

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[mngreeneyes 674]

This is such a private decision. I am not usually so tight lipped, but I even struggled with telling my parents who I am close to because I was afraid of their reaction. They have had their moments, but overall I'm glad I told them. I waited to tell most people at work until after surgery. I think the rumor had gotten around, but I confirmed it in the last few months. Everyone has been great, but I am glad I waited. Mostly I just said I had abdominal surgery. If they guessed, so be it. I guess I approached it as its not a secret, just not something I widely shared.

Whatever you decide, there will be reactions both ways. There is no getting by that. Some people are going to be negative and some are going to be supportive. The thing I found is that it is not always the ones you expect on either side. Good luck with your decision and you surgery. Whatever you decide, don't let anyone talk you out of your decision to have surgery. This is about you as it should be.

pam

[cbrr 70]

I didn't tell a lot of people before my surgery. Only those that I needed help from or who I had dealings with that would be affected by my downtime from surgery. Along the way, as I have lost the weight, if someone compliments me on this loss, I tell them I've had surgery. I feel it's important to be honest and place the credit where it's due. Yes, it has taken willpower on my part to follow the plan, but it's the surgery that has made the difference between this weight loss and all the others that I've "dieted" to achieve. I want people to know that this is not a shameful, cheating way to accomplish a healthy weight. I want the word to spread to those that struggle, like I did, with feeling ashamed to go this route. I am so much happier now. Truly, no one's criticism, pettiness or snarkyness can take this joy away from me. If they have issues with weightloss surgery that is their problem, not mine.

[gary5862 208]

I told nobody except my wife. When people ask how I'm losing weight, I explain my meal plan and work out routine. That satisfies them.

[malq1990 170]

I guess it depends on the person and whether or not they have a good support system. I told everyone close to me, and only told others if they asked, or as someone said before, if it could potentially help them to know. I just adapted my outlook on what people thought to the 'I don't give a f***' attitude. Having wls was a choice I made for both my physical and mental health, and no one has to like or accept it other than me.

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Edited July 19, 2016 by malq1990

[thatmeanone 240]

Now...as far as family goes...same thing. They'll know something is up when the weight starts to literally melt off. You can do the same as with co-workers and tell or not based on individual circumstances, or you can have a mother like I do who told everyone..and I mean everyone, about my being banded. Hell, even her neighbors know me as the 'banded one' when they see me and my sister. Even my financial planner knows because my mother has no filter. Really.

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This is exactly why I am not telling my mother....

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[LowBMISleever 381]

Getting sleeved 7/22.

I told my closest friends whom I spend a lot of time with and my parents about 3 weeks prior to surgery. I figured I'd be accused of anorexia or bulimia from - what I expect to be - huge changes in both my eating habits and appearance. I didn't want to deal with lying constantly (that would give me an ulcer).

After I had already paid and really committed to the surgery (self pay in Mexico), I had a small get together at my house, let everyone get a few drinks in, and then told everyone (8 people). This method is NOT for the shy or the easily dissuaded. It went like this: "I have some news that no one is going to like, but I'm telling you all because you mean a lot to me and your support will really make or break my longterm success with this (that was me being a bit euphemistic bc I will cut off friendships with people that do not support me). I'm getting a VSG (explained what it was, why I was doing it). I will no longer be able to join in binge eating or binge drinking, but I know our friendship is based on much more than that. I really appreciate everyone's support."

I felt like a politician letting the US know we were going to war! But the good part about telling a bigger group is that they all held back their gut reactions at first and listened. After they - I'm sure - talked about it with each other, half of the group reached out to me personally offering to help me lose weight by cooking for me, taking me to the gym, etc, ANYTHING besides the surgery. I really did appreciate their concern, but told them nicely that I was a binge eater and drinker and this surgery was the only way I could break my habitual issues with lack of impulse control. It's hard to admit this stuff publicly, but it felt really freeing once it was out there.

A couple friends were super supportive from day one. I feel like if people really are your friends, they will end up being supportive because you're doing something positive for your longterm health. And, if they can't, then screw 'em - they weren't really your friends.

I'm also making my friends feel like they're part of my journey. I created a whatsapp group with all of them to give them updates on my surgery from Mexico and will keep the updates coming throughout the first couple months. First, I won't get attacked with questions when I first see them, and, second, I feel like if people feel like they're on the journey with you, all they'll want to do is contribute in positive ways.

Aside from close people, I've told people that needed to know where I would be for the 10 days of surgery/recoup (like work, my personal trainer, acquaintances) that I was getting my gallbladder removed. I had to come up with something!

Hope this is helpful to someone!

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[OKCPirate 5,323]

I felt I had to tell a few that I was partnered with and major consulting clients. I also felt that I needed to tell my kids and ex-wife because we shared custody and I was going to Mexico for elective surgery. I found from telling this small group[ of people that I felt I "had to" that telling the rest of the world is a bad idea. There is so much misinformation and screwy opinions, it just wasn't worth it. When an obviously heavy friend asks me what happened, I will pull them aside and explain the ins and outs, but for someone who has a weight related vanity problem, I just stick to "I ate less, moved more" which is technically true.

[Swamprat 50]

My kids and wife know, plus one good friend.

No one else needs to. Anyone asks, "I'm on a Dr. supervised weight loss plan.".

Which is completely true.

Edited July 20, 2016 by Swamprat