New relationship after sleeve surgery

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Thank you for this! I didn't plan on telling him anything about it until we are engaged and/or married. I think the only way it would come up sooner is if something serious happened that would force me to tell him.

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If I got engaged to someone and he hadn't told me he had had such a life-changing surgery, I would re-evaluate whether I really knew him at all.

I agree. Honest and open communication is a critical success factor for any intimate relationship.

[justhere4theshow 462]

I'm going to be very unpopular after this post, but that's fine...Could someone please shed some light on why it's such a secret if you had WLS or not? I don't care who knows, because at least they know I am taking action to correct a major health issue. How will we ever reduce the stigma if we make it such a dirty secret? Who cares if they judge you or don't "understand"? I understand keeping certain things to yourself, but for the life of me I can't imagine worrying about what other people think of my decision to have weight loss surgery. If they don't like it, that is their problem, not mine.

[AvaFern 3,516]

@@Sharon1964

@@Inner Surfer Girl

I think we have the right to our own privacy, regardless of how far into a relationship we are. If you do not tell someone that you had a form of cancer that is genetically linked, that you had a sex change, that you have a major disease, or any other form of medical secret that will impact their life and the lives of their children, if they happen to have children with you, then this is wrong. If, however, you choose to keep the fact that you had your stomach cut out to yourself, this will in no way impact their future and has no relevance on their life or the future of your lives together. While I think we all certainly have the right to agree to disagree, my point is that every person has the right to keep their secrets when those secrets have zero impact on their partner's life or health. If someone broke up with me because I did not tell them I had a sleeve, I would find them to be fantastically clingy and insecure in themselves and I would be over it fairly quickly. If a man cannot respect my privacy and my right to my own past in the same way that I respect theirs...then that is not someone that I would be compatible with. Everyone has a past and everyone has the right to keep some of that past to themselves...for some people like me, the sleeve falls into that category.

On a further note, I told my most recent ex about the plastic surgery I had because my scars were fairly new and one was still healing. It seemed fair to give him a heads-up. The next time I am intimate with someone I will feel no need to delve into why I have scars all over my naked self. If he asks, I will tell him, since obviously you can see these scars and you can't see my sleeve, but past that it is my body and my business. I feel no need to go into detail about how I had a bunch of skin removed and how I used to be fat when ultimately I now look fantastic (sort of fantastic at least). My last ex asked me why I had so much work done and I told him that as I had gotten older I was unhappy with how I looked and had it fixed. We left it at that, and had he pushed for more info I would have gotten annoyed and distanced myself quickly. Everyone has secrets and when they have zero impact on my life, it is not my right to demand to know what they are purely because I happen to be in a serious relationship with that person. If someone I dated did not have that same understanding, we probably never would have gotten to the "serious" part anyway.

@

Your question doesn't make you unpopular..it's a valid point. I chose not to tell people because I know I would get my feelings hurt when people made judgey comments. Much as I say I don't care what people think about me...part of me does and I knew that it would bother me if all I ever heard was that I got thin because I had my stomach cut out. I also hid all of the old pictures of me when I was fat too, lol, because I am ashamed of that part of my life and I would prefer that it not be a point for conversation if I meet new people. Being fat is not who I am, it's just what I was at one point, and I did not want it to factor into my future. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being open about your surgery and it will likely empower others to do the same. I am just a very private person and I knew that having that big of a personal detail as public knowledge would cause me far more hurt than I was willing to deal with. That is why I chose to keep it largely secret and it is a decision that I have time and time again found to have been the right one for my life and my situation.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

@@Sharon1964

@@Inner Surfer Girl

I think we have the right to our own privacy, regardless of how far into a relationship we are. If you do not tell someone that you had a form of cancer that is genetically linked, that you had a sex change, that you have a major disease, or any other form of medical secret that will impact their life and the lives of their children, if they happen to have children with you, then this is wrong. If, however, you choose to keep the fact that you had your stomach cut out to yourself, this will in no way impact their future and has no relevance on their life or the future of your lives together. While I think we all certainly have the right to agree to disagree, my point is that every person has the right to keep their secrets when those secrets have zero impact on their partner's life or health. If someone broke up with me because I did not tell them I had a sleeve, I would find them to be fantastically clingy and insecure in themselves and I would be over it fairly quickly. If a man cannot respect my privacy and my right to my own past in the same way that I respect theirs...then that is not someone that I would be compatible with. Everyone has a past and everyone has the right to keep some of that past to themselves...for some people like me, the sleeve falls into that category.

@

Your question doesn't make you unpopular..it's a valid point. I chose not to tell people because I know I would get my feelings hurt when people made judgey comments. Much as I say I don't care what people think about me...part of me does and I knew that it would bother me if all I ever heard was that I got thin because I had my stomach cut out. I also hid all of the old pictures of me when I was fat too, lol, because I am ashamed of that part of my life and I would prefer that it not be a point for conversation if I meet new people. Being fat is not who I am, it's just what I was at one point, and I did not want it to factor into my future. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being open about your surgery and it will likely empower others to do the same. I am just a very private person and I knew that having that big of a personal detail as public knowledge would cause me far more hurt than I was willing to deal with. That is why I chose to keep it largely secret and it is a decision that I have time and time again found to have been the right one for my life and my situation.

That is your choice.

I just happen to believe what I posted.

You have to decide what is right for you.

[justhere4theshow 462]

Thanks for giving me that insight. Best wishes to you all!

[RILEYSMOM22 344]

I talk openly about my surgery with anyone who seems interested. I sometimes feel the need to explain when a man buys me dinner and I only eat a small amount of it. "Didn't you like it?", etc. Frequently, there is no second date and I blame it on that (because it cannot be that my sparkling personality turned them off!).

I have had a couple men immediately mention skin removal after I've told them about the surgery. I wonder if they have seen TV shows or articles about weight loss and all that excess skin is what they envision....I don't know.

[Sharon1964 2,530]

I think we have the right to our own privacy, regardless of how far into a relationship we are. If you do not tell someone that you had a form of cancer that is genetically linked, that you had a sex change, that you have a major disease, or any other form of medical secret that will impact their life and the

I respect your opinion, and the choices you make for yourself. My most successful relationships have been based on transparency, and pretty much a "no secrets" way of life.

I know that doesn't work for everyone.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

One thing I have so enjoyed about my WLS journey is learning via the odd intimacy that happens at online message boards that people "just like me" (who were overweight / obese and struggled with all the health and social issues that usually come with that condition) actually aren't all *just like me*.

My continuing appreciation for the diversity of obese people and those who are recovering from obesity has expanded my tolerance of those not like me in ways I would not have anticipated.

From obesity's causes to successful maintenance programmes, I've learned over the last few years to STFU (at least sometimes) about what "everyone should do."

This doesn't mean I luuuuv everybody who's had WLS. Nor does it mean I think every approach WLS patients have chosen post-op is wise. And yes, I do think some people who've had WLS are dumbasses. But my observations have taught me that I can't assume my way that worked for me is the *only way* that works.

The value of our approaches and our choices is visible in the results we each obtain. Whatever a WLS patient needs to do to get the results they want is what they should be doing. That includes eating / drinking / exercise / therapy / friends and family / privacy / spiritual and religious ideologies / etc.

(Gee, don't I sound all evolved and s**t!)

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Thank you for this! I didn't plan on telling him anything about it until we are engaged and/or married. I think the only way it would come up sooner is if something serious happened that would force me to tell him.

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If I got engaged to someone and he hadn't told me he had had such a life-changing surgery, I would re-evaluate whether I really knew him at all.

How long does it take you to provide your credit report to them?

Also, @@Nikki Monroe why did you make the exact same thread twice?

Edited July 15, 2016 by OutsideMatchInside

[nickisleeve 127]

I plan on treating this surgery like my past surgeries. I'm not telling anyone because it's no ones business. IMO but I'm kinda a private person....

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[krazy kat 107]

I'm old and don't give a s**t what anyone thinks about me getting surgery. ..my body my life!

Sent from my SM-G730V using the BariatricPal App

[hopefulvspgirl 35]

I would be really put off if someone I was dating for more than a couple months hadn't told me that they had this huge, life changing surgery. I think it is important to know the history of the person I'm seeing seriously because that's what made them who they are. However, I'm not opposed to keeping it on the DL for other people in your life like coworkers, extended family, and acquaintances.

@@OutsideMatchInside I think you mentioned the credit report in jest, but in all seriousness, I think everyone should show their partner their credit reports and financials before making any huge steps together (ie. buying a house, having children, getting engaged).

[leag78 469]

I'm 15 mos post op and I'm currently in a new relationship. I did tell him I lost a lot of weight, but I never told him how. I know that my scars are gonna raise questions one day, and when that day comes I'll tell him then. But we've been intimate and because I still am insecure about my body and excessive skin he really hasn't seen my scars, because I never fully get naked, and plus the lights are always off, but I'm expecting that I'll eventually have to tell him about the weight loss surgery. He did say that I shouldn't be insecure about getting naked in front of him because he loves me just the way I am, but I see all this excess skin and I'm scared that he's gonna take one look and be totally disgusted. So far he has been very supportive so I think he'll be ok when he finds out about my surgery. If not he can kick rocks with an open toe shoe.

Edited July 15, 2016 by leag78

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@leag78 I'm sure the extra skin won't bother him as it does you! Sounds like you have a great guy there!

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@OutsideMatchInside I think you mentioned the credit report in jest, but in all seriousness, I think everyone should show their partner their credit reports and financials before making any huge steps together (ie. buying a house, having children, getting engaged).

Unless I am going to be joining my finances with someone, there is no reason for them to know my credit. I live in my own home, pay my own bills, own my car and multiple businesses. I don't need financial support from my partner, so my finances are none of their business.

Likewise, I don't need someone to make medical decisions for me, I already have a person, my best friend, and it is likely to stay that way for some time.

My point is there is absolutely no reason to disclose things to people that don't involve them and area none of their business. There are levels to relationships and personal disclosure, there is no reason to tell someone your whole life out the gate.