Emotionally abusive relationship not fixed by weight loss

[provenzee 262]

This should probably be posted in the relationship section, so I apologize in advanced if you find it rude that I posted it here, but I just needed to vent.

When my significant other and I met, I was thin. Over the course of our three year relationship I gained almost 100lbs. Needless to say, he was not pleased. He reminded me constantly about how I was "not what he signed up for" and how bad I looked, and how I was embarrassing him by being overweight. I thought surgery would help, but really all surgery did was help me realize that he was emotionally abusing me all along.

I did not realize it then, but he was pushing me further and further into gaining weight. By him reinforcing what I already thought about myself having low self esteem to begin with, I began to isolate myself with food even more. Between daily reminders of how big I was getting, him cheating on me multiple times, and the name calling, I was broken and felt worthless. I hoped surgery and losing weight would make him "love me" again, the way he did for the first month of our relationship before I started putting weight on. Now that I am almost the weight I was when we first met, I realized I was wrong, thanks to one encounter.

I was waiting for my boyfriend at the stairs of my job. A woman came up to me just as he walked over to me. She told me how amazing I look and reinforced that statement several times. She congratulated me on my weight loss, and even used the words "wow! you look incredible". Hearing the conversation, I thought my boyfriend would be happy for me. Instead, when the woman walked away, the only comment he made was "You look terrible. How many days is this in a row now of you not wearing makeup to work? Five? Why can't you ever look classy".

Obviously I was upset. I know what I need to do is leave this relationship. For as much as I love him, I can see now that the weight was never the issue between us. His cheating, lying, and name calling was all because he seeks someone to emotionally abuse. Even when I reach my goal weight, it will never stop. There will always be something else. Just another reason to be thankful for my sleeve.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Wow! You nailed that right!

You have his number now.

Isn't it amazing when the clouds suddenly part and you see how things REALLY are?!

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I am really proud of you for realizing you deserve better, and sooner rather than later.

Also that comment about makeup, you are amazing, because I can't imagine not punching him in his face. And this is coming from someone that wears makeup to walk the dog. If a dude ever commented on me not wearing makeup, it would be WWIII.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

This should probably be posted in the relationship section, so I apologize in advanced if you find it rude that I posted it here, but I just needed to vent.

When my significant other and I met, I was thin. Over the course of our three year relationship I gained almost 100lbs. Needless to say, he was not pleased. He reminded me constantly about how I was "not what he signed up for" and how bad I looked, and how I was embarrassing him by being overweight. I thought surgery would help, but really all surgery did was help me realize that he was emotionally abusing me all along.

I did not realize it then, but he was pushing me further and further into gaining weight. By him reinforcing what I already thought about myself having low self esteem to begin with, I began to isolate myself with food even more. Between daily reminders of how big I was getting, him cheating on me multiple times, and the name calling, I was broken and felt worthless. I hoped surgery and losing weight would make him "love me" again, the way he did for the first month of our relationship before I started putting weight on. Now that I am almost the weight I was when we first met, I realized I was wrong, thanks to one encounter.

I was waiting for my boyfriend at the stairs of my job. A woman came up to me just as he walked over to me. She told me how amazing I look and reinforced that statement several times. She congratulated me on my weight loss, and even used the words "wow! you look incredible". Hearing the conversation, I thought my boyfriend would be happy for me. Instead, when the woman walked away, the only comment he made was "You look terrible. How many days is this in a row now of you not wearing makeup to work? Five? Why can't you ever look classy".

Obviously I was upset. I know what I need to do is leave this relationship. For as much as I love him, I can see now that the weight was never the issue between us. His cheating, lying, and name calling was all because he seeks someone to emotionally abuse. Even when I reach my goal weight, it will never stop. There will always be something else. Just another reason to be thankful for my sleeve.

I am so glad you are able to see this clearly.

It is interesting to me how many of us accept someone else's bad behavior as acceptable or even deserved. Now, that you realize he doesn't get to use you as an excuse for his bad behavior you can really drop a lot of "weight". How much does he weigh by the way?

Stay safe. If he is this controlling when you are compliant, he may show a much nastier side when you aren't. Take care of yourself first.

There is a reason I am single.

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@provenzee I know it will be difficult to end this relationship - but it's necessary! You will never meet up to his "standards" - and that's because he will always have higher standards - he needs you to have no self-esteem and be "controllable". He won't change - he's abusive and it will only get worse. Kick his ass to the curb and you will be so much better off!!! Congrats on your weight loss success!!! You're beautiful and deserve so much better!!!

[chrisredjeep 357]

I'm right with the other posters. Get rid of this waste of space he is not worthy of you.

[kmorri 1,689]

Wow wow wow! Like someone else said....I have no idea how you kept from punching him in the face! Holy crap! What a jerk! I'm very happy that you've got him figured out.....and hope you end it very very soon....like today! :-) You go girl! You are way way better than he deserves!!!

[Sophie74656 1,572]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I know it's hard but you should be with somebody better. Someone who will respect you. I understand how you feel. After surgery I had the confidence to leave my husband of 10 years

[SilentBotts 138]

It's really good that you can see it for what it is. I understand what you're dealing with. The last relationship I had been in before surgery was very emotionally abusive and manipulative. It took me months to see it for what it was. I realized that I was accepting so many red flags and terrible behavior because of two or three moments that I was holding onto. It was really hard to come to terms with the fact that everything she said and did to me was just about maintaining control, so she could use me for approval, sex, money.

[Valentina 2,642]

just a thought----

If we go deep enough into the woods, no one will ever hear the chainsaw...

[provenzee 262]

just a thought----

If we go deep enough into the woods, no one will ever hear the chainsaw...

Valentina, you sound just like my friends and family (who hate him, by the way!). Thanks for making me laugh though

[Valentina 2,642]

You are most heart felt welcome!

Sometimes ---just for a moment----laugh is all we should do.

I DO care, my friend.

I'm here and I'm listening. I hope--at times---that helps.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

emotionally abusing me all along

@@provenzee

he's not good enough for you

he was mean/nasty before you gained weight

his nasty comments won't change now that you lost weight

the sleeve is a resource that helps you!!

it's not around for his benefit

you were NEVER the problem

he is using you as a punching bag!!

kick the dude to the curb, NOW

good luck

kathy

[Fredbear 397]

Leave now, or you risk botching your chance to lose the weight under his continued abuse.

You're better off alone than abused.

"When all is said and done, usually more has been said than done. "

[TYRey12 27]

Too many people judge themselves by what others have done or think of them. It's good to see that you are strong enough to know you are better than what you have been getting.