I'ts a Secret

[Essence36 0]

<p>Hello. Everyone. </p> <p>About 5 years ago when I stopped smoking. I gained so much weight. i tried everything. Nothing seemed to work. After gaining over 50 lbs . I had a baby putting on another 21 lbs. Family and friends try and spare my feelings by not telling me how big I've gotten. Well I finally came to the decision about getting banded. No one knows. I will tell my husband after I get it done. Because I know he would freak out the thought of a weight loss surgery. I told him that I'm getting a procedure done. I'm doing this for me. I'm 5"3in 248 lbs that is not cute. I'm only 35 yrs old. </p> <p>I want to enjoy my children, my husband and my friends. I went to a bachalorette party I was so out of breath with just seconds on movements. I went with my daughter on a out door trip with her school I had to keep stopping the walking was killing me. I love having sex but with the weight gain, I'm limited to one position all others tire me out. I want my old back. Give me 9"s and 12"s not 18"s and 20"s. So I will keep my secret until its over. Oh god I hope nothing goes wrong.<img src="http://www.LapBandTalk.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Roll Eyes (Sarcastic)" smilieid="8" class="inlineimg" /> Sep 6 is my date.</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Essence36</p> <p>Long Island , NY<img src="http://www.LapBandTalk.com/images/smilies/kiss2.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Kiss2" smilieid="154" class="inlineimg" /></p>

[lepez 0]

<p>Hello. Everyone. </p> <p>About 5 years ago when I stopped smoking. I gained so much weight. i tried everything. Nothing seemed to work. After gaining over 50 lbs . I had a baby putting on another 21 lbs. Family and friends try and spare my feelings by not telling me how big I've gotten. Well I finally came to the decision about getting banded. No one knows. I will tell my husband after I get it done. Because I know he would freak out the thought of a weight loss surgery. I told him that I'm getting a procedure done. I'm doing this for me. I'm 5"3in 248 lbs that is not cute. I'm only 35 yrs old. </p> <p>I want to enjoy my children, my husband and my friends. I went to a bachalorette party I was so out of breath with just seconds on movements. I went with my daughter on a out door trip with her school I had to keep stopping the walking was killing me. I love having sex but with the weight gain, I'm limited to one position all others tire me out. I want my old back. Give me 9"s and 12"s not 18"s and 20"s. So I will keep my secret until its over. Oh god I hope nothing goes wrong.<img src="http://www.LapBandTalk.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Roll Eyes (Sarcastic)" smilieid="8" class="inlineimg" /> Sep 6 is my date.</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Essence36</p> <p>Long Island , NY<img src="http://www.LapBandTalk.com/images/smilies/kiss2.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Kiss2" smilieid="154" class="inlineimg" /></p>

Dear Essence36,

Please take this with a grain of salt because it is only my opinion. I hope you change your mind about telling your husband and children. God forbid you experience any complications from the surgery and need your husband to care for you, take off work or make child care arrangements last minute. It is kind of unfair to him since he Will find out about it afterward and possibly resent you or have trust issues with you. This is Surgery and things can go wrong. Maybe he will freak out about the surgery or maybe he will help you cope with it but it is unfair to just spring it on him when you need a ride to and from the hospital.I am not sure what ages your kids are but they will also need to know because there will be some big changes in your eating, exercising, and in their lives too.

Whatever you do know that we will support you and hope that the decision you make is one that you AND your family can benefit from.

[GayleTX 1]

Don't do this alone......it's not as simple as the infomercials make it sounds!! You'll need support and cooperation and lots of love and understanding as you go through it. If he doesn't know what is the problem when you start sliming and vomiting...and you will...and suddenly losing your appetite and dropping pounds.... he'll think you're dying!! You may think so, too, but you're not.....this is not a lot of fun especially in the beginning. Get some support and help and don't do him the disservice of not trusting him. You'll need each other through this.

[blahblahblah 4]

I agree with the other two ladies...You need support and your husband is the perfect person to give it to you.

Honestly, if my husband ever had surgery without telling me, I would be BEYOND hurt. And, I don't know if I would ever be able to trust him again.

My best to you,

Lorraine

[allaboutme 0]

I am not sure, but how can you not tell your husband? He must be overseas or something? Am I right? If you live with him, how can he not know? For me this is a personal decision. My husband and I know and no one esle. I don't want to hear what they have to say about it. But you do need someone to help you afterwards. My children, I am not telling either. ( they are 21 and 18 ) If something happens, then we will deal with it. It is all about how you look at it. You do what is right for you. It's your body and your life.

Mary

[losingjusme 12]

i agree with everyone else. dont go through this alone. it is SURGERY. i know it may be difficult because you think he will not understand, but think of how he may react if you do it without telling him.

if my DH did that to me, i would be livid!

when you sit him down, maybe tell him not to interrupt you and give him your reasons why you want it. tell him that it IS safer than bypass, etc...

you can still plan on having the surgery, even if he is not 100% on board with the idea of banding, ask him to be there for you the day you have surgery.

best of luck to you and keep us posted.

[Wendell Edwards 73]

Hello. Everyone.

About 5 years ago when I stopped smoking. I gained so much weight. i tried everything. Nothing seemed to work. After gaining over 50 lbs . I had a baby putting on another 21 lbs. Family and friends try and spare my feelings by not telling me how big I've gotten. Well I finally came to the decision about getting banded. No one knows. I will tell my husband after I get it done. Because I know he would freak out the thought of a weight loss surgery. I told him that I'm getting a procedure done. I'm doing this for me. I'm 5"3in 248 lbs that is not cute. I'm only 35 yrs old.

I want to enjoy my children, my husband and my friends. I went to a bachalorette party I was so out of breath with just seconds on movements. I went with my daughter on a out door trip with her school I had to keep stopping the walking was killing me. I love having sex but with the weight gain, I'm limited to one position all others tire me out. I want my old back. Give me 9"s and 12"s not 18"s and 20"s. So I will keep my secret until its over. Oh god I hope nothing goes wrong. Sep 6 is my date.

Essence36

Long Island , NY:kiss2:

Hi, this is just my opinion. I have talked about the women who choose to not tell their husbands with my wife, and this is what I told her:

"I would divorce my wife if she had surgery without telling me"

I believe that a solid relationship is based on a few fundamentals, specifically honesty and openness. If my relation doesn't have honesty and openness as fundamentals, I believe that relationship has already failed.

But that's just me.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

I understand where the OP is coming from, I did the same thing. I didn't tell my husband when I had surgery. Actually, I tried to talk to him about it and he went off the deep end. We started fighting. THEN I told him the surgeon I wanted was in Mexico. Then the real fight was on.

It was something I was going to do and nobody was going to stop me, including my husband. It is my choice and my decision. I just didn't want to fight about it anymore so I waited for him to go out of town and when he left town, so did I.

The hard part comes when you have to tell him. In my case he figured it out quickly but didn't say anything. Finally, it all came out and we worked through it.

Then I told him I wanted plastic surgery and the drama started all over again.

I can't say I would certainly do things differently, I was going to get the surgery and nobody was going to stop me so what's the use in fighting over it? It really is MY decision, nobody else. He can either accept it or not, but it was going to happen. Same with plastic surgery. It WILL happen and there isn't anything he can do about it.

His fear is unnecessary surgery. I disagree that it was unnecessary surgery, I see it very different from him.

[Careypea 0]

Wasabb...is your husband happy about your surgery now that you are down to 164lbs? Sorry you had to fight so hard about it. I had to fight tooth and nail for a year before my husband jumped on the band wagon.

Wendell Edwards, my husband and I went through a really rocky patch, where I was afraid to tell him anything, I no longer felt secure in our marriage, and that the bottom could fall out completely, because he was always saying, "I would divorce my wife if...." I acutally started hiding stuff from him because of it. I don't know if you are doing that, but just in case, I would like to save someone from that. My husband doesn't say it anymore, thank goodness! Please don't think that I am harping on you! No insult intended, I just don't want anyone else to go through that!

Essence36, my husband had such a hard time because he didn't know anything about the surgery. He didn't know the differences between them and thought that they were going to cut my insides all up and rearrange everything, and then after we got past that part, he still believed that if I ate sugar or something like that that then I could die. Pray, that is what I do, that the good Lord will give you words to say and that your hubby will be receptive, and then make him watch an online seminar...there are lots out there. Maybe you could write him a letter. If after that you have to get stubborn, then that is what you have to do. My husband believed that it would be one more diet that I would fail, but I looked him in the eye and told him that with the Lap band I WOULD be successful, after that he was still really scared but he started supporting me. Hope this helps...sorry for the book!

Carey

[Careypea 0]

Forgot to add that the reason my husband was so against it is becuse he is scared. He loves me very much and something happening to me is very scary for him...and a lot of the time when men get scared it comes out as aggression and fighting (not physical). So be sensitive to that.

Carey

[Daisalana 33]

I think it would raise serious trust issues in my relationship if either of us did some sort of surgery without telling the other.

This is just my opinion, because I can't imagine deciding not to tell my husband..

But it's better to tell him, fight about it, and say.. I'm doing it with or without you.. and that may be hurtful, but I would think more livable than to do it without even letting him know.

God forbid anything goes wrong, you need to have the support.. and as your husband I think he has the right to at least know--even if he doesn't agree. The beginning is rough, you do need someone to take care of you at least for a few days.

I was going to get RNY.. my husband and family were not behind me at all.. but I made the decision, I'm doing it. It's my decision, I'm tired of the life I'm living. Then I found lap-band and they were supportive of lap-banding.. but if lap-banding wasn't an option or if they weren't behind the idea of that.. I WOULD have done it anyway.

Does your husband not understand why you would want it?

[TracyinKS 7]

I thought for sure DF would freak............ he laughed when I tried to get back on my LC eating plan........ he got pissed when I didn't eat two helpings of what ever he cooked...... (long story) anyway..... one night before bed I told him that I was thinking about getting banded and would he please go to the seminar WITH me so that he could learn about it too. I was pleasantly suprised when he agreed. It was at the seminar where the doc explained the 4 top WLS and really made him realize that of the 4 .. the band was the least invasive and the laymans terms helped DF UNDERSTAND it........

He told me that he loved me no matter my size but he knew the weight really bothered me and that if it was what I wanted then he would support me............... and he has.

[OH Juli 15]

Wow, not telling your SO something that important boggles the mind. Either you think the surgery is a cake walk, which it is not, or you don't trust your husband, which is very sad.

The band will change your life immeasurably. Doing it alone when you have a partner for life, to have and to hold seems very selfish and cruel. Something is amiss.

Harsh words I know...

[Candle 11]

I don't see how it would be possible to not tell him?

When you said you were getting a "procedure" he didn't want to know what it is?

Most doctors have you go to a TON of appointments for a TON of tests before hand. There's pre-op diet, most likely liquid. I had to spend 2 nights in the hospital for sleep apnea studies. There are a lot of variables.

I don't think you are going to be able to NOT tell him. Unless you are self pay like WASaBubbleButt and get it all done in one shot. I can't imagine that's the case though because you'd have to tell your husband you were spending that kind of $$$.<O:p</O:p

<O:p</O:p

Best of luck.

I'm on LI too. Have you looked for a surgeon yet?<O:p</O:p

<O:p</O:p

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[WASaBubbleButt 41]

Wow, not telling your SO something that important boggles the mind. Either you think the surgery is a cake walk, which it is not, or you don't trust your husband, which is very sad.

The band will change your life immeasurably. Doing it alone when you have a partner for life, to have and to hold seems very selfish and cruel. Something is amiss.

Harsh words I know...

I agree, those are very harsh words. You have to walk in the shoes of the OP before you can make blanket statements such as you have. You don't know her, I don't know her, how can either of us say what is and what isn't within their relationship? Com'on... you have to admit, that is quite a leap. If you said the same about my situation you would be dead wrong.

The OP hasn't claimed she isn't going to tell him ever, she isn't going to tell him until after surgery. It's her decision.