holy hell **Confrontation or Enabling ?**

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

I'm just going to say it like it is! ......so take it or leave it.

I don't represent this site

The members on this site helped me to be successful. I am just another bariatric patient. Most people ( newbies and vets) have been giving great support. Anyone who has been here for a while can see a definite decline on BariatricPal. Can we get this community back together? I would like to think so....

What does support mean to you? Is your participation in the negative posts working for you or anyone else?

Support: to give help or assistance

Enabling. Promoting self destructive behavior by denying, minimizing, or ignoring its harmful personal effects or outcomes.

Confrontation. To bring together for examination or comparison.( I'm not talking personal attacks) urging him or her to commit to their program. Asserting your compassionate perception that the person is slipping into behaviors that will have harmful effects or outcomes.

Without confronting personal self destructive behavior, you greatly reduce odds for long-term success.

[Dub 9,922]

Well said @@jenn1

The level of whining and hostility from new members does seem to be elevated.

I am also seeing a lot of comments where it's evident they aren't committed to the effort it's going to take for them to be successful.

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

@Dub I want you to know this isn't directed at you. You have been amazing.

I have to be honest.....Even confrontational (see what I did there)

The pointing fingers that its ALL the Newbies or its ALL the vets is ridiculous. People need to be accountable for their part of the decline on the site.

I see the that the majority of members are here to help and want to succeed.

[Djmohr 6,965]

@@jenn1

I am with you on this. You are either committed or not and if not, you will likely get feedback you don't want to hear.

That is support in my book.

I got off this site for about 8 weeks for that very reason and I finally decided that I missed the people who helped me through the first 18 months so here I am.

Bariatric Pal has been there for me since the beginning of my journey and I certainly believe it has helped me as well as many others. It is a part of me now and I look forward to reading posts and supporting people who want to be supported.

People who don't want to hear the truth are the ones that clearly are looking for permission. Permission is not support.

Just my two cents.

[Tssiemer1 549]

I'm a newbie. I feel like a lot of people are throwing pity parties.

"What do you mean I can't have fried chicken and mashed potatoes and chocolate cake for dinner????"

I think the thing I miss the most is grilled cheese. But tough titties I can't have it. I miss Sprite when I'm nauseous (which is like all the time) tough crap I have to live with diluted Gatorade.

I knew I couldn't be around food early out so I skipped 4th of July and Memorial Day bbqs. Did it suck? Yeah! But I ate my oatmeal and Soup like a champ. food will always be there later.

Edited July 8, 2016 by Tssiemer1

[Christinamo7 4,042]

so - I left and rejected all the other bariatric support sites because you were not allowed to say someone was making a dangerous choice.

this was the ONLY Bariatric support site I found where people are allowed to be real. I value that highly.

[kmorri 1,689]

@Dub I want you to know this isn't directed at you. You have been amazing.

I have to be honest.....Even confrontational (see what I did there)

The pointing fingers that its ALL the Newbies or its ALL the vets is ridiculous. People need to be accountable for their part of the decline on the site.

I see the that the majority of members are here to help and want to succeed.

Well said!

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@jenn1 - yep I am with you.

Jenn, please allow me to take a moment to hijack your threat for a second: I want to remind the males who probably are not understanding why this is a problem...hint hint men and women are different and we discuss and solve problems differently. Men if you have not figured out that sometimes the women in your life just need to vent, NOT have the problem solved you really need to see this if you don't know this http://www.alldeaf.com/threads/mark-gungor-exerpt-from-his-laugh-your-way-to-happy-marriage-part-one.70954/ Note this guy is a pastor, but I think he is dead on right). There are many women who are seeing a problem, and while I can ignore an occasional idiot or troll, it is hurting them. The effect of these assaults is to wear down the soul of many, women in particular. (I hope this is not seen as sexist, but guys do need to be reminded occasionally that there are two sexes). This is a voluntary association. To women, TRUST is vital to relationship. When that trust is eroded, they no longer feel safe and they will leave. Keep in mind, far more women have WLS than guys, so men must be mindful of this difference IMHO.

Jenn, I hope this rant was helpful, I'll shut up now.

[fernandfj 469]

This site and all its members have been a part of my journey since it began over a year ago. The people who seek justification for not following instructions bother me, especially when they get offended when reminded that eating an entire pizza the day after surgery might be a bad idea. But I also remember how crazy and confused the early days were and how reading about others' experiences gave me a notion of what I needed to do. This site, and its honestly, have been a blessing for me. Many are at their most vulnerable when seeking advice and hence the emotional over-reactions. One does get a sense,. however, of when a topic will be heading the wrong way and then you can just switch to the next one. I am definitely a fan of keeping things real.

[BigViffer 3,544]

I'm going to lump myself into the vet category since I am over a year out and surpassed goal. I think one thing that has not been mentioned is that as vets is that it is not our place to save anyone. We should strive to comment dispassionately on things that are known to be wrong.

I'm here for me. If I help people along the way, mores the better. If someone is self destructive, let them fail. Let them be the example to the others that don't want to listen to reason, wisdom, and experience.

Yeah, I know. I'm the @sshole.

Edited July 8, 2016 by BigViffer

[ssflbelle 829]

I came on this site one year ago June 15th 2015. I too have seen the changes in the type of postings, the replies and have seen the veterans leave because of the lack of respect toward them. I am not good at expressing myself but I am very grateful to the veterans as they were there for me when I had a zillion questions. Without their help I wouldn't be where I am today. I read and listened to everything they had to say and as a result I was better able to adjust to my new way of life. I hope those veterans who have left will come back in awhile like you did Djmohr as the veterans provided me with so much knowledge, wisdom and support and I would hate to think what these boards would be like without them.

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

@@OKCPirate

I'm not sure why you felt the need to post about the differences between women and men, I would not be confident that ALL the men agree with you. Men on this site have not been exempt from "idot troll behavior" We will just have to agree to disagree on your thoughts about women. IMHO

Here it is...All of us should be accountable.

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

@@fernandfj

I agree with your statement "when a topic will be heading the wrong way and then you can just switch to the next one"

My hope is more people will be selective on what they read, respond to and post on any forum.

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

@@BigViffer

Not an @ss at all. I am selective if I'm going to respond to a post.

I just posted this a few days back.

Posted July 6, 2016 - 9:44 PM

#18

Correct me if I'm wrong...I don't think any of the veterans feel the need to rescue people that don't want to be successful.

Now that many of the vets feel they are not supported in confronting or giving an opposing perspective. We seem a bit gun shy to respond to many posts.

I'm now a vet in the distance...I'm not involved like I have been in the past.

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

@@ssflbelle

The newbies are just as valued as the vet's. When I need a high. They remind me of the honeymoon phase. Some days the reminder of the basics of bariatric life keeps me on track.