Keeping surgery a secret?

[john925 175]

Hi everyone!!

I finally made an account after reading posts on here for the last several weeks … WLS has always been in the back of my head for the past few years ever since my PCP suggested I go to a consultation. I always thought I could do it on my own but have failed time and time again. I am 26 and have now come to the conclusion that if I haven't done something that has worked by now after being overweight my entire life, what is going to change this time? I am fortunate to not have any other comorbidities related to my weight but want to prevent myself from ever getting them in the future. I have made up my mind to have the sleeve done but the only thing is that I have zero support from my family. I think highly or at least used to think highly of their opinions being a close family but ever since I mentioned that I was going to a consultation all I have gotten from my mom and siblings is backlash and condescending, demeaning remarks insinuating that I am stupid, no common sense, etc etc…. Mind you none of them have any healthcare/medical knowledge and are too ignorant to educate themselves. Also I am a RN soon to be nurse practitioner that has done countless hours and research on all aspects of the procedure. So my question is is it possible to keep this a secret from people that you see often? I love my family but have decided I do not want them involved or know that I have decided to get the procedure. After their initial reactions and a few weeks later when it was readdressed nothing has changed. I am used to doing everything on my own anyways so this will be no different. I have friends and coworkers that have been supportive and I know I will have them for support before and after the surgery. I just hate lying to my family but after their reactions I feel like they no longer deserve to be a part of this in any way. I just worry and feel very very guilty that I am lying to them and if something were to happen to me they would be completely blindsided…. Any comments, thoughts, and suggestions I would greatly appreciate!!! Thank you everyone this site has been a blessing.

-John

[ML573663 18]

Hey John! So I am hoping to get the sleeve surgery, as my first consultation is next week. I am not planning to tell anyone who doesn't NEED to know. As long as you have someone you trust like a SO or close friend to bring you to/from the hospital it shouldn't be that much of an issue. People will wonder how you lose weight but that's not really any of their business. The only way I would be concerned about keeping it a secret (and this has crossed my mind too) is if you at some sort of event where you have to eat and are on your post surgery diet where you can only have certain foods.

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[MissKay 329]

Honestly, having WLS is an extremely personal thing in my opinion. I braved it enough to put it on Facebook after weeks of debating with myself because I knew that opened the floor for people's opinions that weren't necessarily welcome. I was more surprised by the out pour of support I received than anything else. Most just questioned my decision to use the BariatricPal Mexico team because Tijuana has a bad reputation (which is unfortunate, because the trip was great). There are still a lot of people in my life that don't know I had surgery, or if they do, they don't know what kind of surgery I had. I don't tell them because if they needed to know, they would. Really only my SO needed to know, and he was by my side the entire time. The first few weeks post-op would be the hardest since you're restricted on what you can eat. In those times I'd say, lay low. After, if someone comments on what little you're eating, you can just say you're dieting and smaller portions more throughout the day are helpful in keeping you from overeating. Which isn't even a lie, it just doesn't address the underlining reason; the surgery.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, and really it's a shame on your family for making you go to such drastic measures of having to hide it from them. They should be supporting you on a journey to health as long as you're not doing anything counter-productive (like eating disorders). Which it sounds like you're not, and you've obviously done the research, which is great!

[Valentina 2,642]

Now, I simply answer people's questions---upfront, honestly and to the point. That way everyone gets the same answers.

I'm too old to have to remember what I told to whom.

It's an individual situation. You have to decide for yourself what you will look back on in the near and distant future.

Just one question:

Once you are a NP, what are you going to tell your patients about WLS? Do you have any concerns within that realm?

[Oak Park Lorena 162]

@@Valentina said: "I'm too old to have to remember what I told to whom.

I think I like you

[Oak Park Lorena 162]

First, kudos to you for being so self-aware. Not everyone who embarks on this crazy WLS journey is, so you've already got a leg up there! Second, sometimes our biological families drop the ball in the support department and we have to lean on our chosen families, and that's okay. I don't know that you have to keep it entirely secret from your family, maybe just let them know very close to your surgical date that you're having surgery, but make it clear that it's an FYI only, not that you're asking for them to come to your bedside. Mind you, I don't think you "owe" them that, just think you might feel more comfortable letting them know and not feeling the burden of having to keep a secret. Good luck with whatever you decide!

[unique_cathy 13]

john i think that you should do what you think is best for yourself. at the end of the day no one is going to hold you down like you will. no one has ever gotten this surgery done in my family and in the beginning my mother was the least supportive and even though that hurt alot i was determined to do what i thought was best for myself. you have nothing to prove to anyone else just do you and know that even though i am not physically there i will be here to support you ever step of the way. the best of luck to you

[Laughkc11 107]

Hi John. My surgery is on 7/27. I have also decided not to tell anyone. I only told one friend because I needed someone to take me home from the hospital. I chose not to tell my family, but not because of backlash. I chose not to tell because I didn't want it to be a topic of conversation every time I spoke to them or saw them. I think most people assume you want to talk about the surgery, your experience, how hard it is, etc. My mom is a typical over-bearing Italian mother and she would want to be involved in every stage, and would also want to talk to other people about it. To save her the torture of not being involved and having to keep it a secret, I opted not to tell. I just want to get it done and start living my healthier happier life. I guess I'm just done talking about losing weight. Now I'm just going to do it.

If you see your family really often, it might be hard, especially since you've already mentioned it. At this point I'd stand your ground with those judgmental family members and tell them you are doing it regardless of their uninformed opinions, and they can either love you and support your decision or say nothing at all.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Laughkc11

[bellawlsjourney 10]

I got my surgery a month and a half ago and my SO is the only person that knows. He's the one I go to to rant and discuss this whole journey with. Everytime someone mentions my noticeable weight loss I saw I am constantly exercising and eating a high Protein low carb diet which is technically the truth. It's your body your personal business.

[john925 175]

Now, I simply answer people's questions---upfront, honestly and to the point. That way everyone gets the same answers.

I'm too old to have to remember what I told to whom.

It's an individual situation. You have to decide for yourself what you will look back on in the near and distant future.

Just one question:

Once you are a NP, what are you going to tell your patients about WLS? Do you have any concerns within that realm?

Hi Valentina,

Thanks for the reply. When I start working as a NP I will definitely be open about it if its pertinent to the individual and if its indicated I would recommend and will tell them about my experience and support my patients with whatever they decide. I am not ashamed or embarrassed of it and think it is a great tool for the right person. I just don't want to deal with any more stress in regards to my family on the topic. My close friends are all for it.

[ashleypriv 11]

Hey john. I didn't tell a soul except my boyfriend and dad, they were so supportive but it's no ones business to know. But it might be hard to cover up drastic weight loss since they know you were looking into it. Just a thought. Good luck! It's been 3 months with my sleeve and I love it.

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[john925 175]

First, kudos to you for being so self-aware. Not everyone who embarks on this crazy WLS journey is, so you've already got a leg up there! Second, sometimes our biological families drop the ball in the support department and we have to lean on our chosen families, and that's okay. I don't know that you have to keep it entirely secret from your family, maybe just let them know very close to your surgical date that you're having surgery, but make it clear that it's an FYI only, not that you're asking for them to come to your bedside. Mind you, I don't think you "owe" them that, just think you might feel more comfortable letting them know and not feeling the burden of having to keep a secret. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Thank you! That is a great suggestion.

[ironpoorer 88]

I am sure every case is different and every person is different. I chose to be very open about my surgery and have not had rude or bad comments from anybody. Everybody I know has been very supportive family, friends, coworkers. Many have been curious and asked questions about the surgery. Others have even asked for the name of the doctor as they are considering the same thing. If you don't want to tell family members them just don't tell them.

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[okiegirl1980 73]

@ Tell don't tell its completely personal. This is your journey don't allow negativity into you bubble. I would suggest talking to your psychologist...family dynamics can be brutal.

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