Who to tell

[WitchySar 244]

How did you decide who you were going to tell about your WLS? So far my husband knows (obviously), one of my best friends, and another really good friend. That's it. When I first made the decision to have the surgery I was sure I'd tell everyone, but now... I'm not sure. I keep going back and forth on who to tell. I have a couple friends locally that I'm considering telling since they'll know I'm having surgery (we're in a pagan group together so it's going to be obvious if I miss ritual for appointments and then for surgery) but I find I'm so nervous. I'll also be telling my birth mom since she also had WLS in the past and I know she'll be supportive. Not sure about my half-brother and half-sister though, though I believe at least my sister was supportive of my mom's surgery. So many factors to consider. Argh!

How did you decide?

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Benjamin Franklin said, "To whom thy secrets thou doest tell, to him thy freedom thou doest sell."

[NeedaBreak4Me 1,755]

There is no right or wrong answer to your question. This is a completely personal choice based on what you are comfortable with.

I personally have done both... i told everyone when i had the band. And now that i have the sleeve i told only my family and 1 close friend.

I choose not to tell the 2nd time around because i was sick of being known as the girl who had wls.

Everything revolved around my weight and what i ate... i was no longer "me" my wls became what defined me, and i received a lot of negativity and pressure.

I would get judged if i ate something naughty

People felt it was okay to comment about everything and give unwanted advice

I was constantly being watched when i ate, and criticized when THEY thought i ate too much or badly

The pressure was overwhelming and i just didn't need it, especially when i am so hard on myself anyway.

I felt that i wasn't given credit for my hard work, and was constantly being told i took the easy way out.

I also lost many friendships as they felt i "changed"... because i was no longer their doormat and got my confidence back..

During arguments i had people use my weight loss against me when they ran out of ammunition.

These were the main issues for me.. so when i was revised to the sleeve after having it removed for 12 months... i decided that it was no ones business and i didn't need the additional drama.

This time... its all about me... i am choosing to be selfish for a change and do what is in my best interests. I have decided not to hand over my power to other people as i am a sensitive person who takes things quite personally.

However, my experience is exactly that. .. my experience... people in your life might be supportive... they might suprise you. It really depends what you actually want.

Which way are you feeling? How have these people handled things in the past? Are they jealous? What type of people are they?

[Sophie74656 1,572]

Very few people know about my surgery. This was a hard enough thing to do without the possibility of unsupportive people and negative comments

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@WitchySar

When you tell people you can never take it back and you have no control over who they tell. So telling one person can mean telling everyone. Just keep that in mind.

[James Marusek 5,244]

In general, I told everyone - even strangers walking in the street. The reaction that I received was either supportive or curious. The only negative reaction that I received was from my mother. This made sense because she relied on me for support and anything that could interfere with that continues support was view in a negative light.

I think that the hesitancy of "not informing" was driven by individual's experiences with the culture of dieting. Generally people go on diets lose weight and when the effects become visible, they open up about their diet. Many pats on the back later and as the months drag on, they eventually plateau, gain the weight back (and then some) and feel like a failure. They then regret ever talking about it in the first place.

[8petals 57]

There is no right or wrong answer to your question. This is a completely personal choice based on what you are comfortable with.

I personally have done both... i told everyone when i had the band. And now that i have the sleeve i told only my family and 1 close friend.

I choose not to tell the 2nd time around because i was sick of being known as the girl who had wls.

Everything revolved around my weight and what i ate... i was no longer "me" my wls became what defined me, and i received a lot of negativity and pressure.

I would get judged if i ate something naughty

People felt it was okay to comment about everything and give unwanted advice

I was constantly being watched when i ate, and criticized when THEY thought i ate too much or badly

The pressure was overwhelming and i just didn't need it, especially when i am so hard on myself anyway.

I felt that i wasn't given credit for my hard work, and was constantly being told i took the easy way out.

I also lost many friendships as they felt i "changed"... because i was no longer their doormat and got my confidence back..

During arguments i had people use my weight loss against me when they ran out of ammunition.

These were the main issues for me.. so when i was revised to the sleeve after having it removed for 12 months... i decided that it was no ones business and i didn't need the additional drama.

This time... its all about me... i am choosing to be selfish for a change and do what is in my best interests. I have decided not to hand over my power to other people as i am a sensitive person who takes things quite personally.

However, my experience is exactly that. .. my experience... people in your life might be supportive... they might suprise you. It really depends what you actually want.

Which way are you feeling? How have these people handled things in the past? Are they jealous? What type of people are they?

My surgery is scheduled for July 25th, and so far the only people who know are my fiance, two close friends (one who has had bariatric surgery,) my ex-husband (he'll be watching my kids while I'm in the hospital and for a few days after,) and my brothers and sister. Reading what you went through is exactly why I decided to only tell my close family members and a couple friends. The judgement and ridicule my friend went through was unnecessary, cruel, and horrible, and as you stated, I'm also very hard on myself so I don't need the extra scrutiny. Thank you so much for sharing this; it explains exactly why I didn't choose to share with everyone.

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[ocgirl15 667]

This is personal preference and make the discussion that fits your life. Don't let people sway you one way or the other. Just listen to their decision and reasons. I told 3 local friends and my husband. Who does not know: My parents, larger family, young children, co-workers, boss or general acquaintances. Why didn't I tell anyone? Well I live 3 hours from my husbands family and 9 hours from my parents so they really can't support me. In the beginning I did mention the possibility to my mom and her response, "oh you have more will power than that". Well I made the decision to exclude family because she loves me more than anyone and worries about my health to no end and yet is too ignorant to get it. Believe me I tried the traditional way and wasted so much money. My husbands family are a bunch of gossips and neither my husband or I wants to tell them. I am virtual application developer and never see my co-workers or boss in person. They don't even know I was fat. Work was not an issue. From responses of others work can go either way depending on your work culture keep that in mind when you decide. I am an introvert who is very very private, I never discuss my business with anyone (other than my husband and 3 friends). It would literally cause me great aniexty to be asked about this constantly. One of my friends says she is proud of me and that I look great every time I see her.... And it stresses me out. I say thank you and change the subject. I can't wait until it is a non issue. Most people don't known about any of my numerous surgeries so why would WLS be different? Basically I hate to be the center of attention and I knew I would be for quite awhile if I told. With of that said my inner circle does know. It is a small but supportive circle and I have no shame because the people's who's opinions mean something to me do know.

[Pup 217]

How did you decide who you were going to tell about your WLS? So far my husband knows (obviously), one of my best friends, and another really good friend. That's it. When I first made the decision to have the surgery I was sure I'd tell everyone, but now... I'm not sure. I keep going back and forth on who to tell. I have a couple friends locally that I'm considering telling since they'll know I'm having surgery (we're in a pagan group together so it's going to be obvious if I miss ritual for appointments and then for surgery) but I find I'm so nervous. I'll also be telling my birth mom since she also had WLS in the past and I know she'll be supportive. Not sure about my half-brother and half-sister though, though I believe at least my sister was supportive of my mom's surgery. So many factors to consider. Argh!

How did you decide?

I chose not to tell but a handful of close friends. I didn't want anyone judging me or what I'm eating.

I had RNY May 24th and I'm soooooooo happy I chose not to tell a bunch of people or co-workers.

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[theantichick 2,204]

I'm someone who is pretty open about things, and tend to over-share.

At work: My boss knows because I need to coordinate being out for all the doc's appointments and also prep for being out for surgery. She's been super supportive. I haven't discussed it with any of my co-workers because I haven't been here long and haven't really formed any relationships. If it comes up, I'll likely share.

Family: I haven't made a point of telling family I don't see regularly, but the ones I do see know about it. My sis had the surgery, and she's been pressuring me to do it. My Dad thinks I should just have more willpower, and my Mom is just worried because my sis has had a bunch of medical problems that Mom attributes incorrectly to the surgery. The rest of the family just want to support me whatever I do.

Friends: I have a group of very close friends, IRL and online, and I posted about my decision process. A few are very worried about complications. One has a sister who died and he blames the WLS even though it was years before her death. Another of our friends also died several years after hers, and some blame the WLS as she had all sorts of struggles after it. Besides concern for me, they're all very supportive.

I think the decision is very personal, and there's no "right" answer. I know that by being open about it, I leave myself open to criticism and negative feedback. I'm fine with that, as I've always been a matter-of-fact person who stands by my convictions and will argue my position with anyone, and I don't let people's opinions of me impact me. Much, anyway. I very well may regret being so open about it down the road.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@WitchySar -- I told my husband and two close friends. Obviously, my PCP, his nurse, my bariatric surgeon, his team, and my shrink know. That's all.

My family doesn't know. Other good friends don't know. Clients don't know. Random strangers don't know.

I couldn't be happier with this approach. This approach allowed me to focus on me and my needs, not on others' issues.

Final comment: There are a lot of people out there who can go crazy and and become quite abusive when you do something THEY don't understand or agree with. And as we all know you can't fix crazy. I also didn't want to have to listen to anyone's crazy.

[Cape Crooner 589]

I'm not sure I agree with the "no right or wrong answer" comment.

I think telling everyone is fine if that's your thing.

I chose to tell 6 family members and I wish I had either told everyone or just my wife.

I was very successful and went from 281 to 185 in about 6 months. The change is startling and everyone asks me "how did you do it?"

The "wrong" in my choice is now I'm lying all the time to my closest friends.

The other wrong was telling my 93 year old mother. I know she told at least 4 other people and doubt she stressed the importance of secrecy.

So, now I live in a world where I'm forced to lie every time someone asks (which is still daily) and know that someone out there knows I'm lying.

This was the wrong way to handle it.

[Pup 217]

This is personal preference and make the discussion that fits your life. Don't let people sway you one way or the other. Just listen to their decision and reasons. I told 3 local friends and my husband. Who does not know: My parents, larger family, young children, co-workers, boss or general acquaintances. Why didn't I tell anyone? Well I live 3 hours from my husbands family and 9 hours from my parents so they really can't support me. In the beginning I did mention the possibility to my mom and her response, "oh you have more will power than that". Well I made the decision to exclude family because she loves me more than anyone and worries about my health to no end and yet is too ignorant to get it. Believe me I tried the traditional way and wasted so much money. My husbands family are a bunch of gossips and neither my husband or I wants to tell them. I am virtual application developer and never see my co-workers or boss in person. They don't even know I was fat. Work was not an issue. From responses of others work can go either way depending on your work culture keep that in mind when you decide. I am an introvert who is very very private, I never discuss my business with anyone (other than my husband and 3 friends). It would literally cause me great aniexty to be asked about this constantly. One of my friends says she is proud of me and that I look great every time I see her.... And it stresses me out. I say thank you and change the subject. I can't wait until it is a non issue. Most people don't known about any of my numerous surgeries so why would WLS be different? Basically I hate to be the center of attention and I knew I would be for quite awhile if I told. With of that said my inner circle does know. It is a small but supportive circle and I have no shame because the people's who's opinions mean something to me do know.

Reading your post almost seemed like I wrote it. I feel the exact same....don't like attention or for anyone to call and check on me, feel pity or even give me a compliment.

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[IrishGermanRN 151]

I was selfish and scared because I didn't want to be judged as a cheater. Then I said screw it.. I know who I am and it's gonna get out sooner or later. So anyone who asks... I tell them

[Pup 217]

I'm not sure I agree with the "no right or wrong answer" comment.

I think telling everyone is fine if that's your thing.

I chose to tell 6 family members and I wish I had either told everyone or just my wife.

I was very successful and went from 281 to 185 in about 6 months. The change is startling and everyone asks me "how did you do it?"

The "wrong" in my choice is now I'm lying all the time to my closest friends.

The other wrong was telling my 93 year old mother. I know she told at least 4 other people and doubt she stressed the importance of secrecy.

So, now I live in a world where I'm forced to lie every time someone asks (which is still daily) and know that someone out there knows I'm lying.

This was the wrong way to handle it.

Do you feel your lying if you were to say, "I've cut way back, I watch my sugar and carb intake and eat a lot of protein"

I struggled with the issue of possibly feeling like if could be lying too but came to the conclusion to be honest about how I'm eating....if for its someone seriously wanting to know because they also have struggled, I think I would be discrete and tell them about the surgery

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