Emotional Turmoil /Depression

[Tiffany2015 26]

So where to start...I've feel like I have been on a roller coaster ride for the last 6 months or so. I had Gastric Bypass Jan 2015. So far I have lost 210 lbs as of about a month and a half ago. Truthfully been afraid of weighing myself lately.

So I'm 36 years old, don't have any children, not for lack of trying. So I figured my chances of getting pregnant after losing weight were very positive. So went to the Dr. for check up and woman exams and all that. Well I've had abnormal results, pre cancerous in the uterus, before but Doctors always said lose weight and then we can talk about a treatment plan. So here I am 6 months ago, Test came back abnormal, they did another biopsy and the worst news I could have received. Endometrial Cancer Stage 1. So options, hormone treatment or hysterectomy. The tears came, depression reared its ugly head and my hopes of having a biological baby were crushed. So i finally accepted my fate and decided hysterectomy was what I needed to do. Well I go to my follow up appt and Dr basically tells me that I should try a hormone treatment so I can hang on to the possibility of being able to have a baby. So against my better judgement I did. 5 months later after hormone therapy, I go for follow up biopsy. And mind you during this time I tried to not think about babies and possibilities, But since I strive to be optimistic deep down , buried I had begun to hope and visualize what it would be like. Turns out the hormone treatment did nothing, Cancer is still there, no change. So yeah basically my only option is to have a hysterectomy. Again I felt like another piece of me has died. Not to sound so dramatic but ever since I was a little girl, I have always pictured myself with kids. Dr. says I have options, I can freeze my eggs, and still have a biological baby. But truth be told and me trying to be realistic with myself, That is just not an option for me. Aside from that I do not want to give myself false hope. There is no way I will be able to afford any the cost associated with freezing my eggs, surrogacy and all it entails. If I had money and was able to afford it then yes I would definitely do it.

So about 3 weeks ago I had a pity party which lasted a couple of weeks, depression hit me, I stopped going to gym, couldn't sleep, basically went to work , came home and locked myself in my room. Didn't feel like seeing or talking to anybody. This week I'm emotionally in between still but I guess I have finally accepted my fate and accepted that it just wasn't meant for me to be a mother in that sense. I have a great relationship with my nieces and nephews and I absolutely in love with my furbaby Gyzmo. Yes he is a spoiled.lil doggy. I started getting back to my work out routine and trying to get back on track physically. Mentally preparing myself while waiting for my surgery date sometime next month. So now I need to concentrate on continuing to lose weight, maintain my sanity in the process of everything that is coming my way. Oh did I mention, I will be having a full, total hysterectomy, so yup you may have guessed already. That means I will be a 36 year old going through early menopause. I have done some research on symptoms and reactions. When I was 200 lbs heavier I was always hot and sweating because it would be physically exhausting for me to mover around. 200 lbs lighter I didn't have to worry about that. Now I may be back to those hot flashes and mood swings? Really? O not to mention that they say woman who have this surgery tend to gain weight after. So the odds are yet again stacked against me. Nothing new there. But I am desperately trying to be optimistic and prepare for what awaits me. I do not want to go back to the 517 lb girl that I was 16 months ago.

I have tried to talk to some friends and family about what I am going through but they really don't get it. Having the WLS itself was one thing, I was getting my self confidence back but now dealing with infertility and another surgery and potential weight gain and mood changes. I fely like I needed to reach out and I guess I just want to feel like I'm not alone in this struggle. Has anyone experienced the same type of situation I am currently facing? Any insight or advice you can share with me? I'd appreciate it. I'm trying to hang on to my sanity. :-)

Thanks for reading my ranting here. lol

[biginjapan 647]

Tiffany, I'm so sad to hear about your news. Of course you will need time to grieve for your loss. However, as you have already said, you should also try to focus on the positive things in your life. You've lost an amazing amount of weight, are much healthier than you were before, and you still have other options available to you.

I haven't gone through what you are currently experiencing, but I've already had to come to grips that I would never have children - being morbidly obese doesn't stack the odds in my favour of finding somebody to share a life with (especially in Japan where most women are stick thin), and even if I did have someone, getting pregnant at this weight, and now age (I'm a bit older than you), would be very difficult and problematic. But that's okay. It's not what I thought my life would be like, but then again, being obese is not something I dreamed of either when I was younger. :-)

I suffer from clinical depression and when I go through tough times my mantra is "think of the solution, not the problem." I think sometimes we (or at least I) get upset and depressed when I feel I lost control of a situation. Maybe you feel the same way too? If so, doing something, anything, might help you feel better.

Are you really meant to be a mother? If so, even if surrogacy is not option, adoption and fostering are. So is spending more time with your nieces and nephews. It may not be your first choice, but you still have choices out there.

Is your biggest fear re-gaining weight after the surgery? Do some research, talk to your doctor about finding tools (including support groups) and strategies to help you deal with what's ahead.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope you can get through this.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@Tiffany2015 ... sending you a great big hug!

You've had some serious things to grieve about. You also sound like you have tremendous courage.

As a 70-year-old I've never been in your shoes. But I can offer one small bit of encouragement -- menopause symptoms vary considerably person to person. It wasn't that big a physical deal for me, and hot flashes were a very small and brief part of it. Your response to it won't necessarily be what you're imagining it might be.

Again, for what it's worth ... HUGS!

[gowalking 10,790]

Hi Tiffany. So sorry for what you are going through. I can tell you that I had similar feelings when I got a breast cancer diagnosis. I didn't have to deal with loss of my reproductive future, but the future was similar to yours in one specific way.

My tumor was ER+ which meant I had to go on anti-estrogen meds to stop the cancer from feeding on what estrogen I still had even as a post-menopausal woman. So I now have symptoms of menopause again...hot flashes, sweating, etc. and I also was told I might gain weight from taking the meds. I actually was more afraid of weight gain than cancer re-occurrence. I begged my oncologist to agree to let me go on without taking those meds as absurd as that sounds.

I actually went into therapy after the diagnosis because I felt as though my body was betraying me so please consider if necessary, getting professional help to assist you while you are dealing with such a devastating situation. It's not a sign of weakness, but strength when you know you need help. Good luck to you dear and know that we are thinking of you here on the forum.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis. If your family and friends don't understand, pay someone to and go see a therapist that can help you with this.

Also, you can still be a mom just because you don't have a bio child. Some of my friends that are the best parents in the world, are parents to children that are not biologically theirs. Just think you can pick a cute one Seriously consider adoption, there are so many children all around the world that need homes. Even if you are of limited means, you can always adopt through the state.

[Montana Gal 448]

I am sorry for all that you are going through. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process. Like others have said, maybe a therapist to help you during this difficult time is an option. I found out when I was 26 that I would not be able to have children, it does feel like a part of you has died....that I understand. But like @@OutsideMatchInside posted, there are other options. Adoption is a beautiful act of love or becoming a foster mom. Even finding out the cost of just freezing your eggs. Later, if you find someone you want to have children with, the possibility of being able to afford all the rest of the cost that goes with it increases with two incomes. You have a lot to deal with right now. One day at a time and breathe!

[Tiffany2015 26]

Tiffany, I'm so sad to hear about your news. Of course you will need time to grieve for your loss. However, as you have already said, you should also try to focus on the positive things in your life. You've lost an amazing amount of weight, are much healthier than you were before, and you still have other options available to you.

I haven't gone through what you are currently experiencing, but I've already had to come to grips that I would never have children - being morbidly obese doesn't stack the odds in my favour of finding somebody to share a life with (especially in Japan where most women are stick thin), and even if I did have someone, getting pregnant at this weight, and now age (I'm a bit older than you), would be very difficult and problematic. But that's okay. It's not what I thought my life would be like, but then again, being obese is not something I dreamed of either when I was younger. :-)

I suffer from clinical depression and when I go through tough times my mantra is "think of the solution, not the problem." I think sometimes we (or at least I) get upset and depressed when I feel I lost control of a situation. Maybe you feel the same way too? If so, doing something, anything, might help you feel better.

Are you really meant to be a mother? If so, even if surrogacy is not option, adoption and fostering are. So is spending more time with your nieces and nephews. It may not be your first choice, but you still have choices out there.

Is your biggest fear re-gaining weight after the surgery? Do some research, talk to your doctor about finding tools (including support groups) and strategies to help you deal with what's ahead.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope you can get through this.

Thank you for your input. It does help in the sense that I know I am not alone. I am trying to focus on the positive but I do have a tendency to bet upset when I'm put into a situation where I do not have any control. I feel helpless then get depressed. I was anti depressants for years and just last year stopped taking them. I felt at piece with myself because I was seeing the changes my body was going through and in doing so also helped me change my mindset.. But now I'm not too sure about how I will be after all this. I am grateful for everything that I have. I'm trying to make peace with that which I can't have.

Re-gaining weight after hysterectomy is a big concern for me. But I'm going to continue to push through it and do what I can to get to a healthy weight and stay there. I've been through alot of obstacles so far in my 36 years here, I guess I can learn from this too and keep moving forward.

[Tiffany2015 26]

@@Tiffany2015 ... sending you a great big hug!

You've had some serious things to grieve about. You also sound like you have tremendous courage.

As a 70-year-old I've never been in your shoes. But I can offer one small bit of encouragement -- menopause symptoms vary considerably person to person. It wasn't that big a physical deal for me, and hot flashes were a very small and brief part of it. Your response to it won't necessarily be what you're imagining it might be.

Again, for what it's worth ... HUGS!

I have heard that woman do not necessarily have all the same symptoms. My mom for instance is always cold. I was just concentrating on all the negative bad parts. One good thing I guess I won't have to deal with having a period anymore that is a relief of sorts in my situation. I have to keep myself motivated an positive. I appreciate your sharing your experience.

[Tiffany2015 26]

Hi Tiffany. So sorry for what you are going through. I can tell you that I had similar feelings when I got a breast cancer diagnosis. I didn't have to deal with loss of my reproductive future, but the future was similar to yours in one specific way.

My tumor was ER+ which meant I had to go on anti-estrogen meds to stop the cancer from feeding on what estrogen I still had even as a post-menopausal woman. So I now have symptoms of menopause again...hot flashes, sweating, etc. and I also was told I might gain weight from taking the meds. I actually was more afraid of weight gain than cancer re-occurrence. I begged my oncologist to agree to let me go on without taking those meds as absurd as that sounds.

I actually went into therapy after the diagnosis because I felt as though my body was betraying me so please consider if necessary, getting professional help to assist you while you are dealing with such a devastating situation. It's not a sign of weakness, but strength when you know you need help. Good luck to you dear and know that we are thinking of you here on the forum.

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis. It feels like being slapped in the face of your reality. Then add t that the very real possibility of re-gaining the weight you worked so hard to lose. It's a lot to handle, alot of emotions to deal with. I think if after the surgery I find myself in a negative state of mind I will definitely seek professional help. I think that may be my breaking point. In 2004 I was attacked my my younger brother while he was on a drug induced episode and he cut my throat. Dr. said I survived because I was fat, if I was thinner the knife would have done worse damage and I would not be here, go figure that one. lol. It took me a couple of years to deal with that and be able to re-join the living from my hermit status. I never sought out professional help which I should of but just was in a weird state of mind. I feel myself on the verge of having a breakdown. I'm fighting it and always have said I've been through so much stuff and it as just made me a stronger person. But sometimes I just want to be held, hugged and comforted but in all honesty I do not think I would feel comfortable in having that happen. I have always been the one to do that for people. People that know me say that I'm a giver and that comes natural to me. That's also why they say I would be a good mother. I will definitely consider professional help If I find myself not being able to cope with everything going on in my life. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It's very much appreciated.

[Tiffany2015 26]

I am sorry for all that you are going through. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process. Like others have said, maybe a therapist to help you during this difficult time is an option. I found out when I was 26 that I would not be able to have children, it does feel like a part of you has died....that I understand. But like @@OutsideMatchInside posted, there are other options. Adoption is a beautiful act of love or becoming a foster mom. Even finding out the cost of just freezing your eggs. Later, if you find someone you want to have children with, the possibility of being able to afford all the rest of the cost that goes with it increases with two incomes. You have a lot to deal with right now. One day at a time and breathe!

One day at a time! Since I had my GBP surgery back in Jan 2015, that has been my mantra. I now have started to use it for my current situation. That's all I can do. Take it one day at a time. I have no control what may happen tomorrow. Thank you for reminding me that.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Tiffany, I'm going to offer an observation / thought with a little sense of humor attached to it, which I hope you will smile at a little:

We don't get any extra credit for surviving with the least possible resources. We deserve to have all the resources in life we can possibly throw at our challenges -- effective therapy, effective antidepressants, and even real-live hugs.

You deserve to thrive, not just survive. Please gift yourself with everything you can find to create the life you would like to have. This sounds trite, I know, but our lives aren't dress rehearsals for anything. They're the show!

(more hugs)

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@Tiffany2015 I'm so very sorry! One thing that is positive is that your cancer is Stage 1 and not further advanced. With surgery, hopefully you will be cancer free and be able to move forward with your life! If you hadn't lost weight - I wonder if they would have found the cancer this early. You are lucky (in that aspect)! I don't have children even though I've always wanted them. It just wasn't in the cards. I have my nieces, nephews and now great niece & nephew that I am extremely close to. I also have my dogs - who are my children! At times when my sister is going through a challenge with her son - I do think that I'm glad I'm just an Aunt! Prayers for a successful and complete recovery following surgery! Stay strong and positive!!!

Edited June 26, 2016 by KristenLe

[ciaobella707 5]

Tiffany, I am so very sorry for what you are having to go through. :-(

Sent from my SM-G935V using the BariatricPal App

[Djmohr 6,965]

@@Tiffany2015

HUGS x 10! I am so very sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I hope that you take the time to speak with a therapist who can help you with the grief that you feel.

You seem like a very positive person and positivity always helps me through tough situations so leverage it as much as you can.

As others have said, menopause sucks but it does differ for each individual. I had a hysterectomy in 2003 but they left my ovaries. Now I am going through menopause and I have some pretty severe symptoms.

I have chosen not to take anything for them. One thing I will tell you is gaining weight is not one of them.

Leverage what you learned to help manage your weight. I actually am struggling to stop losing at this point having reached my goal in the spring.

There are tricks that you learn to deal with the hot flashes which for me truly are the worst. They leave me soaked to the bone and then of course I get very cold. So I try to ensure that I do things to not trigger as many of them.

I have a fan next to me in the living room and I sleep with a fan on in the bedroom. I try not to wear clothing that I know will make me warmer because just being overly warm will trigger one for me. I always have a light jacket with me because if I am not flashing I am freezing cold to the bone.

Hopefully you will have little to no symptoms, you have certainly had enough stuff to deal with and you deserve a break.

I will say prayers to help you through this.

We will be thinking about you. Please keep us posted and reach out if you need anything.