Dealing with spouse who also has weight issue but not having surgery

[bdejong 30]

Here is the situation. I decided to have VGS surgery at the beginning of this year. I discussed this with my wife and she was very supportive of the decision and was happy that I was doing something about my weight.

Fast forward to the present. I had my surgery on 4-29 and all went very well. I am making good progress and am excited about the physical and emotional changes, yes, I am a guy and I have emotions. The issue has become that my wife also has her own struggles with weight but is not at the level or point where surgery is an options available to her.

She has shared with me that its hard to hear me talk about it and hard to see me sit at the table, eat my tiny portion while she eats a normal portions. She has started to feel self conscience about what and how she eats and it is a struggle for her. I understand the issues and I feel for her but I am clueless as to how to help her.

It is hard right now for BOTH of us.I feel the need to talk through what I have going on and share with my wife while also being very careful to not make her feel bad. I find myself just bottling it up and that will not be good over the long term... What can I do? Who has had similar situations?

[KristenLe 5,979]

Would you consider couple's counseling? I think she's probably more afraid of what will happen when you lose weight and she hasn't. Maybe you can start doing physical activities together. Is she willing to eat less and healthier - so she can benefit from your journey as well?? I'm sure she's feeling insecure. Talk to her.

[Christinamo7 4,042]

communication is really important - especially as you two adjust to the changes in your life.

my husband is not overweight. but there have been issues where he will put his bag of potato chips right between me and him. REALLY? I can not eat them, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. (he has gotten better about this)

I don't expect him to change his eating because I have changed mine, but it is not too much to ask him to put the bag on the other side of him.

she needs to know you don't expect her to change her eating if she is not ready to do so. but she also needs to know that if seeing you eat less makes her think about her own portions that you will support whatever measures she is ready to take to make changes in her own life.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

She still has a full-sized stomach to feed, and by default will need to eat more than you. Disregarding portions, does she recognize that you eat your lean Protein first, then your non-starchy veggies, with limited dessert, mostly fruit if anything. Does she see you drinking Water instead of soda pop?

The best thing you can do is to just have the healthy foods available. You've heard of "Bible Thumpers"? Well, as much as you care, you can't be a "Menu Thumper"! Just set a good example and let her know you love her as is, but will be supportive if / when she may be ready for a different approach to health and a better quality of life. I wish you both the best.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@bdejong - That is going to the heart of several issues. The biggest problem I always had in these situations is my feelings got hurt and I didn't do a great job of hearing what her feelings were or making sure she was properly understood. I learned a great deal about how women think with this book: https://www.gottman.com/shop/the-mans-guide-to-women/

Gottman also has some great resources for couples on how to improve communications: https://www.gottman.com/shop/7-principles-for-making-marriage-work-revised-book/

If you notice the ladies are all saying...talk and LISTEN to her. (Hint, hint)

[Valentina 2,642]

communication is really important - especially as you two adjust to the changes in your life.

my husband is not overweight. but there have been issues where he will put his bag of potato chips right between me and him. REALLY? I can not eat them, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. (he has gotten better about this)

I don't expect him to change his eating because I have changed mine, but it is not too much to ask him to put the bag on the other side of him.

she needs to know you don't expect her to change her eating if she is not ready to do so. but she also needs to know that if seeing you eat less makes her think about her own portions that you will support whatever measures she is ready to take to make changes in her own life.

Exactly! What she ^^^ said!

I wish I had been able to communicate all of that to my SO before my sleeve surgery. Now, I think not only is communication important, but VITAL!

Please try to find a way to build a bridge between your difference---not a wall.

You two have your whole marriage life to walk together. Make it as joyful as I pray your WLS journey will be.

Walk both journeys together.

Prayers going up.

[bdejong 30]

Thanks for the replies! We have been married for 29 years this year and the importance of communicating cannot be underestimated. We talked quite a bit about this when I initially talked to her about going the surgery route and she was not only excited but very supportive. We "cleaned" out the house and fridge together. She adopted some of my new eating requirements mostly around paying attention to the nutritional values and making good choices on what we buy and where we eat.

It was when I started to really loose weight that things got weird. She shared with me her feelings(I never debate feelings, learned that in the first 25 years) about the drastic differences in our portion sizes and eating styles. She understands why but says it still makes her feel self conscience and uncomfortable. I try to console her and tell her its ok but I can tell she is still struggling with it.

I know its still an issue and I am clueless as to how to help her. We do talk about it and she does tell me when she is bothered by things but right now its more that I don't know how to help her. I have looked for support groups for spouses but most seem to focus on what the non-surgery spouse can do to help the spouse who had the surgery. I think we both underestimated the impact on her that this would have. There are no regrets at all, this was necessary for me and was the last option I had. I just want my wife to be happy in this journey. She is looking for ways to help her deal with the weight issue in a way that works for her and I will do anything to help her. I just am unsure of how to express my happiness with the progress that I am making with it being at the expense of her emotional well being.

[Christinamo7 4,042]

if she needs a friend she can talk to openly I would be more than willing to email with her.