SAHM VS Working Mums

[Kelliebelly 13]

I am asking this question because I genuinly want to know.

I have 4 children. I was a SAHM to 3 of them, but as times have got a little harder we found I needed to go back to work.

My youngest is 3. I work in the afternoon. I drop her off with hubby at his work and he comes home with her an hour or so later.

In the last few months of working I cant believe how many times it has been bought up about Mums working - some good opinions, some bad.

I dont have my kids in daycare 5 days a week all day. She is not in daycare at all, which by the way I believe in every individuals families choice to make whether they do that or not and what is best for them.

So do you think when you have kids the Mum should stay at home and look after the kids while Dad works or do you think that is sooooo 1970s??

[anonemouse 1]

I don't necessarily think that it's bad that a mother stays at home with the kids, but I wouldn't do it. My mom didn't when I grew up. I spent time in daycare, at relatives' houses, and at my parents' business. I think that in order for a relationship to be healthy (even if it's parent/child), there should be some separation.

One thing that I don't think is fair, though, is that it's generally expected that the mom is the one that stays home. Why not the dad? Unless a mother is breast-feeding, he can care for that child just as well as the mother can. Why should she be the one to sacrifice her earning potential?

[Alexandra 55]

The only thing that would be 1970s about this issue is if there were any foregone conclusion about what's "better." This is a question that every family has to explore and answer for themselves.

I know for me, staying home with my kids past the first few months was NEVER an option. It just wasn't something that appealed to me, and in any event I had to work to support the family. If it had been financially feasible, my husband was open to the idea of being a SAHD, but as it turned out his income was also needed. (I changed jobs to be closer to home, and took a significant pay cut to do it.)

Both of my daughters thrived--first in a family daycare setting, and then went to preschool at age 3. IMO, staying home all day with a cranky, deprived parent who would rather be working would be WAY worse than spending time in a nurturing and encouraging social environment.

Any parent who criticizes the choices of others needs to get a life. We all do what's best for our own families, period.

[demsvmejm 5]

I see moms all around me that stay at home with their kids, and I wonder...how do they afford that? What does

their DH do for a living to be able to live/afford 1 income? I'm sure some of it is necessity, I mean I pay $176.00 a week for daycare in the summer.

I have to work because DH owns his own business and my job offers the health insurance. So basically I work for the insurance (paid for 90% of my LB) and enough $ left over to pay for daycare and to put gas in the cars & a groceries.

I'm sure a lot also depends on how you manage your money and how much debt you have.

If I had the opportunity to stay home with my children I probably

would have. They are both in school soon so the daycare bill will go way down! Yippie! Extra $ to pay off the mortgage faster.

If circumstances were different, and it would benefit the family, my DH wouldn't have any problem with staying home and raising the kids.

[NanaRenan 0]

I think the answer to that question is as individual as the family who's facing it.

I have four kids and I did not work full-time outside the home until my youngest was in first grade. And then I only did it for four years before I went BACK to being a SAHM.

I don't think I did something right and everyone else is doing it wrong, I think I did what was best for me.

Here are some of my reasons:

• I was raised by a SAHM and frankly, that's about the only really good thing I can see in my upbringing. I thank God she stayed home because she was too old-fashioned to work.
  
• My husband's mother worked and he was kept by his grandmother whom he adored. But his mom still worked and mine was in another state, so barring one of them keeping our kids, it would have to be me.
  
• I got married at the end of my Junior year and didn't graduate. I did get a G.E.D. but not until just before my first was born. I frankly couldn't make enough to make going to work worthwhile.
  
• My husband was fortunate to work for a corporation with good benefits AND have an immediate supervisor who owned a side business and could schedule him to work as much as he was able...for nine years he worked both jobs and would only have one Saturday and Sunday off every five weeks.
  
• We called those our B&B days and it ain't Bed and Breakfast, it was Beans and bologna. With him working two jobs I had to work twice as hard to make what he made stretch!! I taught myself to sew so I could make mine and the children's clothes and I took in sewing for people. I babysat. I have carpel tunnel from clipping coupons. I've sold tupperware, Mary Kay and House of Lloyd. I bartered for goods and services. I cooked everything from scratch because we couldn't afford hamburger helper. And frankly, it hurt to have people assume that because I was at home he must make a lot of money. Because all of our friends and family that were double income brought home WAY more than he did -- and they all had only two or three kids. We chose to have four and we did what it took to survive.
  
• Bottom line: I'm not a high energy sort of person. If I sell the best 40 hours of me each week, then what's leftover is the scraps. I don't like me when I work. And what little extra income I bring in working full time ended up going to pizza Hut and Taco Bell because I was too exhausted to shop or cook. Plus I hated not being able to help a friend when they were sick or attend a funeral because I couldn't get off work. Take my kids to the doctor when they needed it. So, that's why I decided to go back to staying home. Plus, my granddaughter had come along and I wanted to be able to keep her for my daughter. We got transferred and we down-sized dramatically on our house so that our payment dropped enough to make my check unneccessary. We ate out less and hung out together more and reconnected as a family. We survived.

And I always look at it like this. If something were to happen to my husband's job, or he was suddenly unable to work, I can go out and put in 40 weeks. But if I was already working 40 and spending all of that, how could I generate more hours to work?

Sorry for the ramble. Each family has to make the choice what's right for them. It's like losing weight -- if one diet fit all, none of us would be here today. But we each know what we're capable of doing, how much we're willing to sacrifice and hopefully, can correctly assess how our family is impacted and make the best possible decision accordingly.

[Wheetsin 714]

All IMO...

So do you think when you have kids the Mum should stay at home and look after the kids while Dad works or do you think that is sooooo 1970s??

If a parent is going to stay home, I don't think it should automatically be the mother. Some fathers are much better parents than mothers. Some mothers make a lot more money and have much better benefits than fathers. Some mothers love what they do, while the father is indifferent. You get the idea.

If either parent wants to stay at home with their children, go for it. It's the right thing for some people, and not the right thing for others. Whatever you can afford, that fits with your personal values, and that you're comfortable with - have at it.

Children raised in daycares turn into exceptional adults every day, as do children raised by stay at home parents.

[areellady 1]

I have been a SAHM most of my childrens lives, with the exception of a few times when financially I had to work to make ends meet. My oldest is 19 and youngest is 13. I am currently in school and will graduate when DD is a freshman in HS. I am glad that we made the decision to do this. My DH likes me to be home when he gets home too. I know that some people can't afford to do that, and that is ok. I know we ate Ramen noodles A LOT when the kids were little. My DH doesn't make a whole lot of money but we get by on what he makes. One child moved out and DH makes more money now a days, things are okay......I sure hope that my kids will be able to have one of the parents stay at home with their kids when they are babies.

[green 6]

I grew up during the traditional 1950s when there was a sharp division of duties between men and women. Men were expected to work and women were expected to be homemakers. It was true that as a little kid I took great comfort in the fact that our mum was at home for me and my brothers, that dinner was prepared and on the table at the same time every evening and that we could come home for lunch. I believe that young children do require routine in their lives; I think they find it reassuring and calming.

My mother was a terrific homemaker. She knew how to cook, bake, make preserves, sew, repair, knit, clean, and tend to the garden. I don't think that she enjoyed being a SAHM and I think that her other talents, the ones which she valued more, were wasted. She was bright, organised, charming, and creative, and I think she was bored senseless raising children and looking after a house. In short, that she was a SAHM was great for my brothers and myself but not so hot for her. However, that was the '50s and she didn't really have a choice.

Now women do, and this is a wonderful thing. At the same time the economy has radically changed and fewer families have the choice to have a stay at home parent. And the truth is that some women aren't psychologically built to be patient and nurturing parents of young children; some men do much better at this work. It is a wonderful thing that our society is progressing in the direction where this can be recognised without prejudice against either parent.

Certainly young children do need to feel secure, loved, and protected. It is arguable that daycare may not satisfy these needs simply because there are too many children with like needs. A child undergoing an emotional crisis may feel that he or she is being lost in the shuffle. A nanny, a parent, or a granny is probably a better option for very young children if such an approach is possible.

At the same time, this isn't an ideal world and children are now being raised with much more care and attention than was the case in any past era. And yet our ancestors survived and often thrived and went on to do many extraordinary things with their lives.

My hunch is that raising kids is a crap shoot. Giving them your love and attention, consistent discipline, and encouraging them to enjoy life and learning is probably about as best as anyone can do. There are other factors and these are entirely outside of your control: these have to do with genetics and with peer group/social pressures.

[Jachut 487]

I think its personal choice - and I dont believe childcare harms children.

I was pretty much a SAHM when I had jsut the two boys, I did have some very part time jobs here and there, but nothing really significant. However, Eliza came along five years later, totally unplanned, and honestly, I just didnt have it in me to give that much one more time. I was ready for my own career and my own goals again so she does indeed go to family daycare 2 days a week so that I could return to uni to do a Bachelor of Primary Ed. She's none the worse for it, she's every bit as happy, well adjusted and secure as the boys were.

I just think its a different world now, and its a choice people have to make.

[blahblahblah 4]

In our family, it is preferred that I stay home with my children. We struggle financially because of it, and I tutor on the side (was an English teacher), but it is all worth it for us.

I am a terrible homemaker...but that is not how we divide chores in my house. My job, as mom, is not to clean my home and make dinner etc...but to nurture and enrich my children's lives. I spend my days playing, singing, teaching, walking, reading to and loving my kids. The housework gets done at night after they have gone to bed (by both dh and myself) and dinner is cooked after dh gets home from work.

There are some days I question the decision to stay home...I have three girls under 3.5...but the doubt is quickly erased as I think of the relationships I am fostering between not only my children and myself...but among them as well.

We wanted children for a long time and "worked" hard (and expensively) to have them...I just don't want to miss a thing.

All that said...that is what works for my family...Far be it from me to even suggest how things should work for other families. Life is tight, we cut many corners, and there is some debt...but I have the rest of my life to work and repay that debt...there are only a few years where I will be able to hold my children this close.

I sound like Ma Ingalls...don't I? Trust me, there are days I dread it!

Rain

[Kelliebelly 13]

Thanks everyone for your opinion.

It is not an option for us for DH to stay at home. He is the main breadwinner and I couldnt even bring in half what he does.

I am really surprised there was noone that was adamantly oposed to women working when they have young children at home...there seems to be quite a few people like that around here.

The statement I hate the most and hear the most is -

" I just go without the luxeries...I make sacrifices etc so I can stay at home and be with my kids".

Or

"I didnt have my children for someone else to raise".

Yes, I could stay at home and look after my kids and we could still live. That is what I have done pretty much the last 14 yrs....but, and dont get me wrong, I love my kids and I would do anything for them.

It was lonely, I had no independence. I felt as if I was just a MUM and thats it....and yes just a MUM is a big thing. I am person too though, my own person. I have changed so much since I started working, I am happier in myself and with everything else and I think the time I spend with my kids now is so much better than it has ever been before.

[Marimaru 7]

My husband and I agree that for the first few years of our children's lives, one of us should be home, and someone should be home when they get home from school. Which one of us it is really is going to depend on who's making more money or in more of a position to do it. Right now, we both work for my mom, and even though we are moving out of state it's likely we'll still work for her, which may very likely mean working from home, which to me, is totally ideal. Our work is very project based (software development), so 8 to 5 doesn't mean anything, so if I work 4 hours on a Tuesday and 6 hours on a Saturday, that will be fine, as long as I get my project in on time. My sister is the office manager here, and her son is 5 months old. She stayed at home for a month, and her son comes to the office every day (WHICH I LOVE), and so, it's kind of the best of both worlds for her, because she was going stir crazy at home with just her and the baby. My sister's husband works here too, so he's got his whole family here.

My mom was stay at home when I was little. She bred arabian horses for a living, so she could do that from home. When my dad went bankrupt, she did work at a private school so I could go there (the days she was lunch lady EVERYONE was excited, lol). When the private school called her in because I was being obnoxious, she pointed out that I was being obnoxious because I was bored, and FINISHED with my work, and the teacher told her that all 2nd graders had to be at the same level, so she pulled us out of that school and home schooled us for a year before we went to public school. After that she went to work, and there were lots of afternoons of walking my younger sister home from school and walking to the daycare to get our youngest sister to take home. I didn't realize it at the time, but that part of my childhood was very latch-key, and I would really like to avoid that with my kids one way or the other.

[only4me 0]

I have 4 children ages 19,17,13,10...I was always home with my children during the day, and had odd jobs at night to help bring in some extra money. I have been a waitress, worked in a coffee shop, worked the 11pm-6am shift at the IRS in the mail room.............What ever it took for me to be home with the kids. It was never easy, because most of the time I was exhausted and wondered if I had a day job would I be able to give more quality time to them because I would have proper rest. When my youngest went back to school that is when i started to work full time, and that is still hard because I no longer can go to their schools for parties or trips, I work until 9 at night 2 days a week, so sometimes I cant go to the PTA meetings or an event at the school. Lets just say I work because I have no other choice. If I were able to I would choose to work Part time.....but I can't.

[Jachut 487]

We put so much pressure on ourselves too I think, this ideal Leave it to Beaver style existence is still what we intrinsically value, yet so many of us simply cannot afford to live on one income anymore.

And I think both partners working can sometimes make for better relationships between fathers and children - being the sole breadwinner may appear to be making a sacrifice to give the best to your kids - their mother at home - but in many ways it takes away from them too. Many happy families have both parents working more moderately instead of one gone all the time and one at home.

But when people say "Just give up the luxuries" as if working mothers are selfishly amassing money to spend on themselves they deserve a punch in the face, honestly. Lucky them! For many people, they dont have the luxuries to give up in the first place. And to be honest, I think peer acceptance, fitting in, having what other kids have is important. Lots of kids would grow up remembering THEY didnt have the game boys, the playstations, the birthday parties and the $150 skate shoes, not remembering warm and fuzzy memories of home baked cakes. There's got to be a happy medium there.

Although being on full time teaching rounds at the moment and with ongoing course work to keep up with too, its given me pause to consider how lucky my kids have been to have me basically at home these last 12 years. They absolutely couldnt have the lives they do - the sport, the activities, the friends, if I werent around to drive them to it all, provide it all, etc etc. If I had this much pressure on my full time, I wouldnt be able to do it all. I'd also still be obese and unfit - I havent been for a run in a week and we've eaten convenient crappy food all week too!

[juliegeraci 7]

I couldn't be a stay at home mom at all. I am not patient enough. That being said, my 6 year ols is thriving. He has been in daycare since day 1. He is very bright and has learned a lot in the daycare environment. He started preschool at 4 and is doing great in school. I used private daycare initially then moved him to more of a school setting later. Either way, you sound like your life is balanced which is really important.