Failed completely. Deeply ashamed.

[meyouus 415]

Hello. It's been a long time since I came on this site or posted. I am scared to death to write this post, as I already know what many of you will say and I also know most of the answers. I'm so scared of all of you because everyone has success stories and I am a complete, dire failure. I had my revision from band to GB last June. I have a lot of emotional problems that are being treated with many medications and weekly therapy. My really good therapist has little experience in WLS or food addiction. We've tried to communicate my issues, but seriously, each time I go in there is a new legitimate crisis that must be addressed first. She speaks about using EMDR to combat my complete refusal to follow my WLS program. But that has yet to be done. I'm completely and profoundly ashamed of myself and it has made me ditch the whole GB life that I was absolutely excited about in the beginning. You're all such a success, even the ones who struggle are doing laps around me. Please don't beat me up for being such a failure, I do that every day.

My highest weight was 372. I put myself on a diet before even applying for WLS and lost 35 pounds. I had the bypass in June a week before my Father died of cancer. I tried so hard. After surgery I lost 35 more pounds, leaving me at 300. And in the deepest shame, I must admit that I only lost 8 pounds since my WLS a year ago. I have never gained, just maintained. At first, I was totally committed, then more crises occurred and I slowly let go of the rules. I know, it's awful. I began to eat a little larger meals at dinner and did not eat all day. It's like torture pushing food into my mouth in the morning. I made egg muffins, did them for a while but gave up. I had a hard time eating at all. Food did not appeal to me. I was doing my Protein and Vitamins religiously, oddly still am. My bloodwork was perfect. If you knew me and my life experiences, you would wonder why I didn't kill myself. But I am. I let go. My stomach never rejected extra food or made me sick. I had hoped I would dump on sugar or something, but that never happened. I began to eat a little sugar and that escalated to more and more. My stomach must be very large as it holds a standard adult meal. I always held in more food than those of you here on the forum. It was suggested that I eat three meals a day and two or three Snacks. I also drink a lot, even pop. By all accounts I should have blown up by now. I did damage and did not care.

I don't really care what I eat. You know the destructive thinking of not caring even though you know it is only killing you. I'm super messed up. I'm a very honest person to others but not to myself. Yes, I hate myself, sometimes. I don't even care (or so I force myself to believe) if I ever lose weight. But honestly, I wish I could get it straight in my head that that is the path I chose with such enthusiasm.

I was diagnosed with severe asthma and put on supplemental oxygen, in and out of the house. Yes, I felt sorry for myself. I have two replaced knees that prevent me from walking well or far. I had to use a walker to get around and do my job. It sucked. But, having lost the weight I did, I was taken off the oxygen, and with a lot of work, began to walk on my own, though not well. I want to go to PT so bad. I lost my job a long time ago (which has taken a mean toll on me) I was denied unemployment, took them to court and am awaiting the judge's decision. If I am denied again, I will request yet another hearing. My husband has been taking care of us on a $9.00 dollar an hour job. The past few months we have been surviving on all the cheapest food, which does not offer much nutrition at all. We are so poor, we sold everything we owned on craigslist for pennies. My husband cooks all our meals, but doesn't really support a WLS diet. I hate to say that he doesn't support my necessary diet. Not cruelly, but just not "think" of it. Especially since I'll eat anything. I can't stand long enough to cook. I tried to sit on a bench to cook, but my legs ended up hurting more. I do the housework I can, and try to walk the supermarket when I can. Good, healthy food is more expensive than we could afford. I'm still managing to get all the protein I can. But financially, we are screwed.

Back to my failure to desire to get back on my diet...I want to care, but my mental health has deteriorated so much I can't. Even my psychiatrist feels for me but I've been on most of the meds that there are no more options. He is worried, as am I. I've looked for groups in my area, found and tried a few, but people don't get bariatric surgery. I was in groups of anorexics, etc. I just don't fit. Like I don't fit here, but I'm reluctantly reaching out. I have a dual diagnosis of severe mental illness and obesity. Its hard to fit in when the two are inter connected and I don't understand how to manage the two. But no weight loss after an entire year is an emergency in my opinion. I'm so hard on myself. I drink so much Water that I float, take in enough supplemental protein and take my prescribed vitamins. I just can't seem to get in a regimen again. I can't even believe I'm sharing this deeply personal and shameful post to you. Keep in mind my dual diagnosis, it is very, very hard for me to care about myself. Even with therapy. I don't regret the surgery at all, as I'm hoping with all my heart that I will make this happen. I'm a survivor. But coasting on no weight loss or gain is not good enough. I did not have this surgery to only fail. But I did. Please don't berate me. I'd just like to see how you successful people would respond to such a post. And, no, there is no easy answer. I need help.

[mimiski 10]

Sweetheart. I feel so sad, but not because of your presumed "failure". Rather because you have lost sight of yourself. I know this because I lost sight of myself as well. I identify so strongly with my failures that I simply cannot see my successes. I don't have any answers for you, I only have support and encouragement. You are worth it. You are strong. You are able. You are humble. You are broken. You are fixable. You are loved. There is never a point at which you can no longer regain yourself. All is not lost, as crushing as today feels, you only have to remember two things: Inhale. Exhale. Repeat (ok, three things). You are so lovely, WLS or not...you, sweetheart, are an incredible beauty. Prayers lifted for you tonight.

[meyouus 415]

@mimiski....I really, really needed to hear that. Bless you.

I was just hoping more people would respond, but they never do. So, again Thank You for caring enough to respond and with such beautiful sentiment!

[Thecloude1 342]

Don't underestimate yourself! You are obviously a strong person to write this post...please don't feel ashamed! You will find yourself...like you said...you are a survivor!! Good luck! [emoji4]

[Sheriberi 21]

I'm sorry that your life has thrown you so many curve balls. You were given an opportunity some are often denied , so use your tool. You won't be able to get it together if you don't get it together! Also, I won't get into details but I will say, I understand hard life and the school of hard knocks, I also know how it feels to lose yourself and disconnect. Maybe it will help to start focusing on the blessings in your life and when you think of a sad thing, try to flip it around and find the good in it. I'd first see your surgeon and explain that you do. It feel satisfied with the tiny appropriate sizes that you should be eating, also, it is hard to give up sugar but if you wa t to have a different result , you have to make the changes. Oh how I wish someone could take my food loving mind, but only I can do that . We are totally in charge of our own life race. You are not a failure until you stop trying . Get your head around the idea that you have the strength to get up! You have the power somewhere inside you to make small changes ..... Stop drinking calories! Just quit . Water is free and soda costs. Eat your meat if someone else cooks for you and skip the rest. If it's processed .... Skip it. Comforting yourself is self abuse and only you can stop it . I'm not trying to be harsh on you, I'm saying only you have the power to change your situation. Somethings in life are not control and some things we CAN ! You can do this if you try

[Sheriberi 21]

I meant to say comforting yourself with food is self abuse. Love yourself, one of the great things women do is put them selves first and be kind to ourselves . We usually give to everyone all the kindness and love we have and have nothing left over for ourselves .

[meyouus 415]

@@Sheriberi

Wow. That was intense, and spot on. I'm bipolar type 2 among other diagnoses, so I hope this will work, My Dad died a year ago today and I'm a mess, plus being unemployable because I can't stand for long and need to walk very little. So, stress. And I'm sure others have more stress than me that made their WLS work. I try to remind myself of that.

I want to make this work. No more pop and a lot more Water.No sugar, which will be very hard as you know. I'm trying to find something to do on Pinterest to divert my attention from food, but cant find anything I can afford to start. Where do I start to get myself on track? My stomach (I feel) is large. I find it next to impossible to eat a cup of this or a cup of that and feel satiated. Should I try anyway? Also, we do eat processed food because it is all we can afford, no Protein there. I thought about eating those egg muffins at meal time, but wonder if that is a good move since I'll get sick of it. Because I'm unemployed, depressed and am an insomniac I sleep in till 1:00, 2:00. I just can't fall asleep. I'm on a lot of meds to get me to sleep but they do not work. So, morning eating starts at 4:00 or 5:00, if I eat at all. I can try to get up earlier, but it makes me feel light headed. So, start eating some sort of Protein in the AM, or when I get up? I don't know what to eat for protein Snacks. Or for lunch, as I never was a lunch eater. dinner, I can see if I can afford chicken again. I'm stuck with canned vegetables for now. I can stop eating white rice and Pasta, which are cheap fillers. And, off the diet list, which I lost. My husband and I are/have been at the point where we talk only about the dire straights we're in, and he is at a loss as how to get the "right" food on our budget. How can we eat healthy when healthy food is so expensive? Also, he never quite grasped the idea of how to cook for two when I (was) eating so little. How do we fix that? I'm afraid of leaving the house, but I'm thinking I need to re learn how to walk. Just petrified of people seeing me struggle to walk. I live in a mobile home park, there is no privacy or anonymity. People gossip. I'll have to work with my therapist about that. I was told by my knee surgeon not to do many exercises that I feel I need. But he's adamant. I don't know what to do for exercise. I mean, I do have hand weights, I can do that. But I need to do something aerobic to lose weight. I tried youtube, but I can't find anything. I'm scared to move, does that make any sense? I don't think so.

I'm so in the dark as to how to start anew. I could use everybody's help. I can no longer afford my Protein Shots and that worries me because food alone does not fulfill the grams needed. I know I can do this, at this moment. But my bipolar plays games with me and I fail. I'm in the grips of a serious depression because I'm mourning the loss of my Dad. I know it will pass. But it takes time, and I need to do things NOW. My priorities are all messed up.

CAN ANYONE HELP ME START OVER? HOW?

[deb.13 2]

Don't give up, find a local weight watchers meeting . I went twice a week when I had my lap band 10 years ago. The support from the other people as well as the accountability of getting weighed made me work harder. At the beginning you can just sit and listen , eventually you will talk. Do not have to tell anyone you had surgery if you don't choose to. No one will ask. It is just a room full of people trying to lose weight

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[aussiekye 12]

Ur not a failure. Do not be ashamed. I'm in the same boat as u and even though I can give u advice I feel exactly the same. It's hard to rise above the mental stuff. I'm in the process of looking at a revision of my revision as I've had advice that it was not done correctly. I had this surgery as a tool to combat my eating addiction and even though I exercise regularly and eat accordingly it ist won't budge. Maybe it's time u went back to ur wls and get it checked out too. Good luck. Big hugs from me to u.

[BuffaloBill 168]

Why arent you getting government assistance with food stamps ?? It would also help if you got a job doing anything, that will help. It will give u purpose.

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[melbell2222 244]

Go to social services Monday and file for food stamps! Or do it online so you can get food. Even if ur the skinniest person eating cheap food is very unhealthy causes clogged arteries, blood pressure issues, and diabetes. Do what you have to do to get out of the hole... Best of luck to you. Remember to think positive

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[Gungirl1385 63]

The best thing is you had the surgery. You can start over apply for food stamps to help you family if you need them. Also bipolar disorder is a disability you can get on disability I also suffer from bipolar 2 with manic rapid cycling. There's hope you can do it

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[BigJohn58 135]

Everyone on this forum has failed at losing weight that's why we're here trying again. You fell off the wagon it's not the end of the world you can do it. You had the guts to write this post and that took a lot of guts. I'm going to pray for you.

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[Carrie P 24]

You've already gotten some great advice. I'm a failed Lap Band patient and am waiting for insurance approval for gastric bypass. So, I'm no expert with weight loss, but I am an expert at being poor. Once upon a time, I was in very bad financial shape.

eggs are cheap. They don't have to be cooked into muffins. They can be prepared a lot of different ways. Cottage cheese, Beans, etc. You can do a lot if you add in broccoli, edamame, lentils (you can season this like taco meat for a mexican twist), peas, and asparagus are all pretty high in Protein for vegetables. Frozen vegetables are usually less expensive than fresh. I'm not sure what you can have for Snacks that might not cause problems. I'm assuming pretty much anything since you don't experience dumping. Apple slices with a little Peanut Butter?

I understand how bad bipolar 2 can be. My daughter suffers from bipolar disorder and there are some days that she can barely get out of bed. Keep getting up and trying each day. Be kind to yourself and break down overwhelming things into small jobs. Lists help too. Sending good thoughts!

[doxaholic 252]

Meyouus, i had a friend who dod the gastric but for x amount of reason she quot loosing weight she only lost about 60 pounds after her doctor told her that she could try resetting her pouch. I asked what does that involve she said she would have to go back on her liquid diet like she did when She first had the surgery and try to start all over again.

How is the therapist getting paid because if the above suggestio. Does not work maybe you could have a revision or the one where they scope you and just make your pouch smaller by stiching it up. Something to look into. As for eating healthy on a budget. I am with the rest ask for assistance. Not sure what you can eat on your surgery im sure if you google it or even call the doctors office where but start buying chicken Beans in bulk

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