Depression has returned and struggling with grief

[crazygoose 190]

I know it's been a while since I've been active on these forums but I have been depressed lately and didn't really realize it until yesterday when I had a break down. It just sort of crept up on me, before I was very motivated and active on these forums and active in my weight loss journey and other goals in life such as furthering my education and bettering myself etc. I just lost interest in all of that, I mean I still obey the rules of my diet but I haven't been exercising. Then two weeks ago I started getting anxiety attacks while out in public, I stopped answering my phone, texts and started avoiding people, I started skipping appointments, I let myself go again I look like a cavewoman and all I wanna do is stay inside my apartment and watch netflix and play games, anything to feel safe and escape reality.

What is my fault and that I need to take responsibility for is that I stopped taking my meds, the reason for that is that I was told because of the weight loss surgery I would now have to break the capsules in half and take my meds in it's powder form but the taste is unbearable and makes me throw up so I just quit taking them thinking I would be okay. Another thing I'm dealing with is that my grandma, the woman who raised me is dying, like we're not sure if she'll make it another week let alone this weekend. While everyone tries to spend every moment with her that they possibly can me and my sister have been doing the opposite.

See I do visit my grandma at least twice a week but all she's seems to be doing is getting worse. It's like I've been doing everything I can to avoid dealing with this fact. The last 3 times I visited her I had anxiety attacks. I think I'm in some deep level of denial because my emotions and my mind are sort of detached when I see her because I'm calm but my body reacts and I start to feel sick like I'm going to faint, vision gets blurry, I feel dizzy and start sweating a lot and it even triggers my period and all I want to do is get out of there as fast as I can.

During visits all she does is cry in pain the entire time and the other night I visited her she was crying loudly and praying out loud "God just let me suffocate tomorrow." over and over again. I think she tried to ask me to end her life at some point. My sister on the other hand has been doing everything possible to avoid seeing my grandma and everyone gets mad at her and calls her selfish but I think she might be having trouble coping as well. People in my family have implied that I need to stay with my grandma longer during my visits and I try but its very difficult, I try to comfort her but I feel helpless. I don't even have the strength to pray and I faith in God but I've been avoiding him too.

I know this is a long post but from 2011-2015 I didn't leave my room at all except to go to the bathroom and eat so I don't know if this cycle is starting up all over again I don't want it to but I think it's possible. I also wonder if I've been compartmentalizing my grandma being sick and dying, and if all this depression and anxiety attacks is because of it. It's like everyone else in my family has been crying and stressing out all along, but me I just stay in my apartment watch netflix I feel "happy", then I go visit my grandma and get a nasty dose of reality and nearly lose it. The last two days though I have been moments when I think about her and I burst out crying hysterically. So yeah that's what's been going on with me.

Edited May 28, 2016 by crazygoose

[dianeheartkitty 6]

First of all I want to say, my heart hurts for you. You are caring for someone you love so much and being a caregiver is one of the hardest jobs there is. That being said you have also said you know you need to take better care of yourself so I am glad you posted on here. Do you have someone to talk to ? A pastor, or friend just to get out and vent would be really good for you. Talk to your doctor and get back on your medicine with their advice. There are a lot of on-line resources for caregivers. please take care of yourself and know that you doing great!!!!

[Read2016 658]

My heart goes out to you as well... It's hard to watch someone you love being so sick at the hospital... I'm a doer in a crisis, so when my dad was sick he was often sedated and not sure if he never I was there but in my heart I believe he did know.... Often while I was there talking with the doctors was the most important thing I was doing... One doctor says why not bring he some music he likes, I downloaded some music he would like and would play it very low... People in the hospital often get dry skin, I would often spend the visit just massage his legs and arms with lotion, the doctor often joke he had the most moist skin of anyone in the ICU... As for pain, a person in the hospital should not be suffering with pain, there's so many things they can do.... Prayers are with you

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Edited May 28, 2016 by nyteacher125

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

... I wanna do is stay inside my apartment and watch netflix and play games, anything to feel safe and escape reality.

What is my fault and that I need to take responsibility for is that I stopped taking my meds,... take my meds in it's powder form but the taste is unbearable so I just quit taking them thinking I would be okay.

Another thing I'm dealing with is that my grandma, the woman who raised me is dying,

See I do visit my grandma at least twice a week but all she's seems to be doing is getting worse. It's like I've been doing everything I can to avoid dealing with this fact

During visits all she does is cry

from 2011-2015 I didn't leave my room at all except to go to the bathroom and eat so I don't know if this cycle is starting up all over again I don't want it to but I think it's possible......like everyone else in my family has been crying and stressing out all along, but me I just stay in my apartment watch netflix I feel "happy", then I go visit my grandma and get a nasty dose of reality and nearly lose it.

Dear CG, do you really think you're fooling yourself? I don't believe that you really felt "safe" from 2011-15 and, therefore, certainly don't buy that disappearing into netflix and games now is making you feel safe. We don't feel safe when we have no idea what's going on around us. Reality, the nasty and and the nice parts, is far better. Feeling alive is better. Taking a stand is better. Taking action is better. Reality is going to happen whether you hide your head in the sand or not. As you describe the way you're feeling or trying not to feel is far more arduous than reality.

I hope your grandmother has medical care, but it does sound as though she's nearing the end of her life. She's been a towering presence in yours. You'll both do better if you, CG, acknowledge its entirety. I won't dare tell you how much time you 'should' be spending with her now, as it isn't my place and I have no idea. I will say that if, when you are with her, you use start up conversation about the things she's interested in (interested, not used to be interested!), there' a good chance you'll be taking her mind off pain. Both of you can enjoy being real people together. She'll recognize your love and appreciation between the lines. You'll learn a little more about this wonderful woman.

As to you, call your prescribing doctor first thing Tuesday. Stopping medication suddenly isn't good, as you know. It may be that your medication is available in a form that's compatible with surgery. If it means pre-approval from your medical plan, take the steps. Consider, too, ongoing therapy. You're done well since 2015. Letting yourself backslide will be too terrible. None of what's ahead of you right now is easy, but you found the determination and strength before. You can find them again.

[James Marusek 5,244]

After RNY gastric bypass surgery I lost my ability to swallow large or even medium size pills. This lasted for about 2 months and then I was able to swallow them again. If the reason why you are unable to swallow capsules is because of their size, you might experiment and determine when you are able to again. Being off your meds is a bad situation.

[Read2016 658]

A compounding pharmacy often can create a prescription in the form you it in need such as liquid or maybe a smaller sized pill etc...Ask the doctor if they would be of any help with your prescription

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Edited May 28, 2016 by nyteacher125

[sharonintx 1,275]

@@WLSResources/ClothingExch

I tend to agree with the reply from WLSresources/clothing exchange.

I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. It is terribly difficult to watch someone you love reaching the end of their life. Ask yourself how many times she was there for you when you needed her. I know it's hard dealing with everything you are going through and I understand the feeling of wanting to hide. At this moment it isn't about you. It's about her. I don't want to make you mad or hurt your feelings. I have the utmost sympathy for what you are feeling but I'm going to tell you what I would tell one of my kids, family, or close friend - pull yourself together, suck it up, and go do the right thing for your grandmother. Nothing else is acceptable.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

At this moment it isn't about you. It's about her. I don't want to make you mad or hurt your feelings. I have the utmost sympathy for what you are feeling but...

CG, I came back to add pretty much what Sharon began above. I was neglectful of people in my life and will never have the chance o do it over. They are my grandmothers. Lately, and I haven't determined why now especially, I think about them often and although not a 'believer,' apologize to them endlessly for what I lacked when all they wanted to do was love me. I cry for having been neglectful and despise myself for crying, which I see as self-indulgent -- all about me and not about them. In more recent years I discovered that, if we think a tiny bit less about ourselves and a tiny bit about someone else, we benefit greatly. The first couple of steps are hardest, but please don't squander this opportunity to support your grandmother, to kiss her and hold her hand, to sit by her side so that she feels your love and appreciation. Push to put her first now and I promise that you'll to be able to hold your head high forever after.

[melbell2222 244]

Don't just stop the medication put it in your Water, Protein drink, soft foods so many options! a few weeks ago I lost my grandma and never dreamed of the day, but Ik how that feels to see her decline. Just do what you can and don't worry about your sister she will be the one who will live with the fact she wasn't there,not you... But get back on your meds so you can see the light again, being in a funk is never fun I know that

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Edited May 29, 2016 by melbell2222

[crazygoose 190]

Thank you all for your advice and support. Unfortunately my grandma passed away last night while under a medical induced coma. I was able to kiss her and say goodbye before she was gone. One thing I did not mention was that in the beginning and through the middle of her illness I was at the hospital with her every day spending 4-8 hours with her but as she got worse and worse and her pain and suffering took over and she began to seem less and less like herself it became harder and that's where I fell off because I knew she was not going to get better. I get the gist of where many of you are coming from saying I should've sucked it up and concentrated more on her and I'm beginning to see my failures in that and realized more things that I could've done but now it's too late.... I appreciated the small things posts where someone said they lotioned their dad's feet and played music he liked that was sweet my mom and my aunt did that for her. I was devastated when I learned my grandma had passed, but now waking up the next day I look at her pictures of when she was alive and well and along with sadness I feel a strange sense of peace that she is no longer laying up in a hospital bed suffering. That the worst has already happened and there's nothing more to dread. I know maybe it hasn't hit me fully yet. Even though she's gone I think I still got another chance to do right by her. I still have my grandpa, I can check on him, go over and tidy up their house and bring him meals. I'm gonna honor her by doing what she would've want me to do, move forward, get my life together,work on my health, pursue my education. I'm starting this morning by taking my medication I'll try mixing it in with something. Anyways thanks to all who took the time to read my post and reply.

[jennmonterrozo 139]

So sorry for your loss.

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[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am so sorry for your loss. I was able to be with one of my grandmother's the last week of her life. I was at her bedside with my mom and it was one of the most bittersweet experiences I have ever had.

Sending hugs. I hope you will make an appointment with your doctor to talk about your meds and depression. You may also want to find some grief counseling. That can be another life changing experience.

Unfortunately, we all experience grief at different times throughout our lives. There is a great benefit to learning how to grieve in healthy ways.

[sharonintx 1,275]

So sorry to hear that. I think your idea to move on with your life and do what she would have wanted you to do is a great plan. Go out there and make her proud.