OMG, How Crazy Am I????

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

Okay, it finally sinks in!

A couple of weeks ago I was shopping. You know those huge pieces of glass outside of stores? They are allllll about windows.

As I was walking I saw the reflection of a person and realized if I could get to THAT size, I'd be thrilled.

Holy crap, that reflection was ME! I didn't realize.

Yet, if I see myself in an actual mirror, I can't see a difference. If I see all me, my feature, my picture, I still look 88 pounds fatter. I see NO difference in me today vs. me yesterday. It's been a fantastic eye opener. I finally realize how an anorexic feels. They are 78lbs and look in the mirror and see 300lbs. *I* look in the mirror and while I am 164lbs I SEE 252lbs. I can't wrap my brain around it.

I realize... I know, I am fully aware, I am having a really hard time getting beyond this point. But the reality is, I can't get beyond this point.

I could seriously use some words of wisdom from those that are there or have been there.

[Jachut 487]

I have had a similar revelation recently. I suddenly realised I'm a tall skinny person. My brain suddenly caught up.

It started when the teachers at the school I am doing practicum at were talkng diets, and somone said to me, you dont need to worry, you're so tall and thin. Moi?

Then I saw myself in the shop window, and failed to realise it was me. Holy crap, I got such a shock. I really AM thin. I only ever really look in changing rooms and of course everyone looks awful in changing room mirrors. I focus on the slightly too big skin and the flabby bits. But overall, yeah, I'm very tall and I'm THIN.

Far from thinking OK, I dont need to lose anymore, its really really motivated me to just get that final 10lb off.

I just hope that every now and again I can continue to have these sudden glimpses of reality to make me appreciate just what it is I've achieved. Becuase normally I see some sort of weightless, ageless, neverchanging "me" that really bears little reality to how I am - the same me I saw nearly 100lb ago.

Its bizarre. But its made me realise that picking a "realistic" goal and sitting there for a while before you keep going really CAN help your head to catch up. I really needed the breather I got at 79kg.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

I have had a similar revelation recently. I suddenly realised I'm a tall skinny person. My brain suddenly caught up.

It started when the teachers at the school I am doing practicum at were talkng diets, and somone said to me, you dont need to worry, you're so tall and thin. Moi?

Then I saw myself in the shop window, and failed to realise it was me. Holy crap, I got such a shock. I really AM thin. I only ever really look in changing rooms and of course everyone looks awful in changing room mirrors. I focus on the slightly too big skin and the flabby bits. But overall, yeah, I'm very tall and I'm THIN.

Far from thinking OK, I dont need to lose anymore, its really really motivated me to just get that final 10lb off.

I just hope that every now and again I can continue to have these sudden glimpses of reality to make me appreciate just what it is I've achieved. Becuase normally I see some sort of weightless, ageless, neverchanging "me" that really bears little reality to how I am - the same me I saw nearly 100lb ago.

Its bizarre. But its made me realise that picking a "realistic" goal and sitting there for a while before you keep going really CAN help your head to catch up. I really needed the breather I got at 79kg.

Jachut...

Okay, I have read your response *at least* 5 times. It's not sinking in. How did your brain catch up?

I'm really feeling very nutty right now. I'm feeling like I need hubby (the psychiatrist) to come home and fix me. We decided to split for a bit. Suddenly I want him home to tell me I'm not as crazy as I feel right now.

I realize that if I don't know it is me in the window reflection, I'm happy with that size. Once I realize it is me I'm back to being MO.

I thought everything in life would be magically fixed once I lost weight. I knew intellectually that was not the case, but deep down, I thought life would be perfect once I was fixed. I'm almost fixed and nothing has changed. I still want hubby gone as much as I want him home. I feel fat, I look fat, I am fat. Yet I see someone's reflection in the window and don't realize it is me. I feel nutso.

[Jachut 487]

I just had this sudden moment of utter clarity. Its gone again now, lol. For a split second, I really saw myself. I liked what I saw, it wasnt perfect, I'm still me, not Cindy Crawford (god that shows my age, lol), but it was OK.

I just think perhaps if I can do it once, it will become easier?

[JulieNYC 4]

I have almost nothing helpful to contribute here, except to tell you you're not alone. I don't see a 350 lb person anymore when I look in the mirror, but I still see a 220-ish lb person. My clothes say 6P and 8P but my head doesn't. I had a similar experience with your store window. Someone sent around pics from a birthday party I attended and I saw a "girl" and thought, "wow's she's thin -- I'd like to get to that size" and, as you can see it coming, it was me in the pic.

Now in my head I just say, yeah, but that pic was taken from a really flattering angle -- you can't see my arm flab or my thigh flab or this or that. Whatever. I'm so sick of myself. It's time for my head to catch up.

[sweetviolet 0]

NOONE is alone in this feeling--we always want what we think we don't have...I keep reminding myself that I am not on 18 pills a day--the looking better is a side gift!! I recently had a new photo taken for my drivers liciense and thought they gave me the wrong photo w/ my info!! ......and I am no different on the inside, nothing has changed except my clothing size...my thoughts/fears/concerns/opinions/concept are the same!! Guess if I want any or all of those things to change, I will have to adress THOSE issues. Life is a constant adjustment....

[certifiedcoder 11]

I was banded 9/05 and went from my highest weight of 288 to 170 currently. I exercise and lift weights 6 days a week and have gained significant muscle while reducing my body fat% to within the normal range. The band is the best thing I have ever done for my self and for my family. I did not realize however that I was going to go through an identity change! Not that it is a BAD thing but it has been scarey and wonderful for me at the same time. I have experienced feelings, emotional and physical that I havent in years. I even started seeing a councelor to help me sort through a few things.- Its funny that a lot of people experience the same sort of changes. Everyone is like enough already, you dont need to lose anymore weight and I just cannot comprehend that that can be possible. I am waiting for my authorization for a Tummy Tuck and I really feel like if that comes through for me I may actually feel finished/complete. I hope so, really it is the extra skin and fat on my abdomen that keeps me pushing to keep losing when in fact having the skin removed I think will take care of that feeling.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

I have almost nothing helpful to contribute here, except to tell you you're not alone. I don't see a 350 lb person anymore when I look in the mirror, but I still see a 220-ish lb person. My clothes say 6P and 8P but my head doesn't. I had a similar experience with your store window. Someone sent around pics from a birthday party I attended and I saw a "girl" and thought, "wow's she's thin -- I'd like to get to that size" and, as you can see it coming, it was me in the pic.

Now in my head I just say, yeah, but that pic was taken from a really flattering angle -- you can't see my arm flab or my thigh flab or this or that. Whatever. I'm so sick of myself. It's time for my head to catch up.

Actually, you are contributing here because just knowing I'm not going crazy and this is part of the process is exceedingly helpful. This was still bothering me at 2AM and honestly, I almost called my husband to ask him if I am crazy. I didn't because I was afraid he'd tell me I am.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

NOONE is alone in this feeling--we always want what we think we don't have...I keep reminding myself that I am not on 18 pills a day--the looking better is a side gift!! I recently had a new photo taken for my drivers liciense and thought they gave me the wrong photo w/ my info!! ......and I am no different on the inside, nothing has changed except my clothing size...my thoughts/fears/concerns/opinions/concept are the same!! Guess if I want any or all of those things to change, I will have to adress THOSE issues. Life is a constant adjustment....

Life is a constant adjustment. But I still had no idea there would be so many head issues FROM losing weight. I have worked so hard to deal with the head stuff, I read every study on obesity I can find, I have been able to undo a lot of old myths that let me justify more calories. I have thought through issues, dealt with stress issues, I have done everything I know how to deal with head stuff and this one just really hit me hard. I knew there were body image issues but when I didn't recognize my own reflection and was happy with that size until I realized it was me then the reflection instantly turned to a fatter person I was floored.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

I am waiting for my authorization for a Tummy Tuck and I really feel like if that comes through for me I may actually feel finished/complete. I hope so, really it is the extra skin and fat on my abdomen that keeps me pushing to keep losing when in fact having the skin removed I think will take care of that feeling.

I've wondered the same thing. I wonder if the TT will fix these final head issues.

What if it doesn't? Holy crap, makes ya wonder if your head ever catches up.

[chimboree26 24]

WasA, first of all, how awesome is that?!?!?! You didn't recognize yourself! You are doing so well. But, don't beat yourself up. It will take time to break free of our old ways, including how we see ourselves. It's almost like we've been wearing a mask for all these years, or been in a cocoon. And now, we're emerging butterflies. We're still the same people inside (somewhat), but in new packaging. We've just gotta get used to it.

Think about when we get a new haircut or new color. It takes us a minute to get used to it, right? No different here. We've gotta get used to our new bodies. Stay positive, remembering all that you have accomplished thus far! This, too, is part of our LB journey.

And BTW, you and Jachut are beautiful ladies! I've never seen any pics of you, WasA, but I can tell that both of you are awesome just from your posts. Both of you inspire me soooo much!!!! And congrats, again, to both of you for not recognizing your reflections! That's when you know you have really worked your butts off!

Hope this helps, coming from a relative newbie! I can't wait until I have to deal w/this 'problem'!

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

Chimboree...

Thank you for the support.

I'm SOOO glad Jacqui was on line at the time I was going through my "I'm a crazy loon" moment or I would have called my husband. That is not what I would have wanted after the fact so thankfully, people like you and Jacqui and everyone else are here.

We all have needs at odd hours. People here are great.

[NanaRenan 0]

I've wondered the same thing. I wonder if the TT will fix these final head issues.

What if it doesn't? Holy crap, makes ya wonder if your head ever catches up.

It takes a long time and that works both ways!!

I'm newly banded, but I had significant weight loss in 1988 to have the same affect -- saw a photo of an Easter picnic and wondered, "Who's that in the cool hat?" It was me.

Now, I don't know if you've been overweight all of your life, but for those of us who haven't, we have the same HEAD ISSUES on the way UP the scale. Something happens one day and you realize, "Good grief, when did I get so fat?" It'd been happening for years, but your head wasn't paying any attention.

Once you convince it of the "new" reality and then that reality changes -- you have to start all over convincing it again.

Meanwhilw, BRAVA my friend!!! I'm sure you're GORGEOUS and look GREAT!!

[Chickie 15]

It takes time to see the new you. It's only in the last couple of months that I have really started seeing me the way other people see me.

It's almost like if I admitted that I was skinny, I would get fat again. It's weird.

I am still getting there, but most days I have at least 1 or 2 "skinny" moments. You are not alone.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I am so glad that I am not the only one who doesn't know who they are! I still try to shop in the plus section, what am I thinking?? I still see 300 plus when I look in the mirror, and I hate it. I am constantly tearing myself down and I am so scared I will never look better if I realize I am a skinnier girl. I feel like I am never going to be happy with me. I do have good days, but almost everyday I pick up my clothes and say "that won't fit" but guess what the size 12s do. I don't know why I always think fat....blah!