Spilling the beans

[lakegirlmn 20]

I have only told my mother and my husband about my surgery. I come to find out that my husband has been sharing this news with many of our close friends and family without my knowledge. I am hurt and feel betrayed. My spouse stayed he did not know this was a "secret". I wanted to disclose this to people when I was ready. I am not prepared for the scrutiny of my decision for those who don't support it. Has anyone else ran into this issue?

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[Icantbelieveit 955]

My husband told his family. I was mad as hell. But being mad didn't help. He said he didn't think it was a big deal. But his mom has been nothing but supportive.

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[lakegirlmn 20]

That's exactly what my husband said!

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[Icantbelieveit 955]

I dont think men understand what we go through being heavy and how catty people can be. Right now the hard part I'm going through is his family calling me asking how I am. They have been nice, but giving updates isn't me. I'm very private. Now I feel very exposed.

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[Pedro Valle-Inclan 275]

Yeah I've had the same thing happen, family members spillin thinking it's no big deal. Pissed me off at first, but

what can you do? people talk. And in truth it ISN'T that big a deal. I know people are weird and judgemental etc. and definitely don't understand the issue of obesity, but it's certainly not a big strong word like "betrayal."

Relax, I had to also.

I'm 12 weeks post-op and now the comments have started about how I look TOO THIN, and my face and neck DO look quite thin now, but doctor says it'll fill out when I stay at this weight after a while.

[cherryw9 5]

I have feelings both ways about disclosing my surgery. I'm still pre surgery. I want people to think I can lose the weight "myself". But I can't, duh?! So, the nice part of me says be an example. So much shame is associated (for me) with my inability to control my weight. I should just put it out there. Then, the other, private part says it's my journey. I would be upset with people disclosing my truth. But ultimately I know I can't lose the weight and keep it off permanently. So I think I "should" be an open book. Not sure where I'll end up with this disclosure. Just know I feel for you. And appreciate your openness here with how you are feeling. I just see more and more emotional growth in everyone's posts. So much going on other than weight loss.

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[Ginger84 1]

My mother actually spilled the Beans to my brother about me. I wasn't ready because he can be extremely judgmental but he hasn't been about this. She did say she didn't know it was a secret too. I just want to make sure I get the approval and maybe even have the surgery before I tell a bunch of people.

[DeletedMember 715]

I can totally relate. I very specifically asked my wife to NOT share with anyone. I was very adamant and clear. Then she went and told pretty much everyone I see on a regular basis. I was very upset, and it definitely caused issues at our house. There was literally only one set of friends she didn't tell. Then, about 2 weeks after this all blew up, she went and told those people as well. I am beyond upset.

I think betrayal is a very adequate word for what I feel.

It's less about the fact that people know. In the end, it's not that big of deal if people know. But I didn't ask my wife not to share because it was a big deal. I asked her not to share because I am a very private person and don't want everyone knowing my business. It's a betrayal because I very clearly asked the person closest to me in life to respect me and my wishes about my medical issues. She agreed, then she violated that trust over and over and over. It has become a trust issue. If you can't trust someone to not share what you explicitly ask them not to share, how can you trust they show any discretion around things you don't specifically ask them not to share.

Even going to a therapist to work this out, I have no faith she isn't sharing everything I say in therapy to everyone I know. And to feel like me asking her not to doesn't really make any difference, it certainly didn't in this case.

Yeah, betrayal is an accurate term.

[KristenLe 5,979]

@ Sorry this happened! What was her excuse for going against your wishes?

[DeletedMember 715]

The first time(s) it was just "I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that. I apologize." The second time it was "They asked me point blank if you had surgery. I wanted to be upfront about it. I figured it was ok." When I told her it was not ok she said "Well, then, I guess I screwed up again." I didn't even get an apology with the second one. In fact, she told me I was going to have to tell her exactly what to say since she obviously didn't know what to say. Basically putting it back on me as my responsibility to give her specific words to say for any scenario. Sort of irrelevant now as essentially everyone knows.

[RouxDude 20]

My wife was the same way, but what I have to remember is I am ashamed of my weight and I have carried that with me for a very long time. My wife and those she told (mostly family) have been super supportive. I didn't even tell my oldest daughter and she was hurt. I didn't tell my parents until three weeks prior and I've been in this process for almost a year! I have to be more understanding because this is a family issue and I've come to accept that my wife might need to share for her own sanity!

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[gina171 626]

The first time(s) it was just "I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that. I apologize." The second time it was "They asked me point blank if you had surgery. I wanted to be upfront about it. I figured it was ok." When I told her it was not ok she said "Well, then, I guess I screwed up again." I didn't even get an apology with the second one. In fact, she told me I was going to have to tell her exactly what to say since she obviously didn't know what to say. Basically putting it back on me as my responsibility to give her specific words to say for any scenario. Sort of irrelevant now as essentially everyone knows.

Msujester....asking this question honestly, not trying to poke at you here but....when those people asked her point blank if you'd had surgery, what did you truly want her to do?

Did you want her to say "ask him" BC that's giving it away really.....if she said "I don't know" that would seem unlikely......or did you want her to lie and say "no"?

I'm not saying it was ok for her to share it with everyone in your social circles, and the fact that she told so many people certainly points to the reality that she's not good with secrets (small ones or serious ones)....but did you expect her to lie? Did you want her to lie?

And if you did want her to lie.....I think a lot of us can understand that.

But if it's true that those folks asked her point blank and when she was alone, she was in a weird situation. AND they weren't so respectful, either.

Sorry this is going on.

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[DeletedMember 715]

I would have hoped she would answer in a way that didn't disclose I had surgery. A couple of examples would be "He's eating less and doing more, that's the only way I know of to lose weight." Or, "He's just following his doctors plan". Or something along those lines. Or she could be more direct and say "wow, I'm really surprised you'd ask such a personal medical question, how about we discuss your last gynecological exam instead". Really, there are lots of ways to answer that question besides "Yes". Especially since this had already become an issue in our relationship prior to this.

And I did tell my children and both our parents so she definitely had people to talk to about this should she have a need to discuss it with someone.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

He is under doctors care would have covered it without it being a lie.

PEOPLE ARE NOT ENTITLED TO KNOW YOU HAVE SURGERY JUST BECAUSE THEY ASK.

Do people walk up to women without children and ask how they are keeping their uterus on lockdown? Pill? IUD? No, they don't because it is rude, a personal issue and affects them in no way.

I don't understand why people don't get this. Other people are not entitled to your life.

I told my friend in pre-op I was thinking about surgery and she told people she thought didn't count even though I told her to tell no one. I have kept so many of her trifling secrets and she couldn't keep this on for me. Our friendship is totally different in my eyes. I will never ever trust her again. Trust once broken can't be regained, at least not with me. She went from bestie to associate.

I have no idea what I would do if my spouse violated me like that.

[Pedro Valle-Inclan 275]

No, hearing you say that, guess you're right; damn it's irritating as hell!! My wife did the exact same thing, guess that was why I felt a need to just find a way to shrug and rationalize it away. You're right, it's not just THIS issue, she just can't be confidential about anything.... she grew up that way with this huge disfunctional family