The journey to health.....

[her1981 448]

I don't even know where to begin. Mentally, I am drained...

I had been trying to lose weight for the last 15 years or so, with many, many, too many ups and downs; and in the process gained over 100 pounds. Now in the past year, I have lost almost 150 pounds. As I sit here 2 pounds away from 150 pounds lost, I am amazed (see ashamed, dumbfounded, embarrassed) that even with that much of a loss I have so much more to lose. I don't even know how to feel about it. How did this happen? How was I so far gone? I'd been 300+ since I was 17. This is just mind-boggling.

During all the testing for the sleeve, a bunch of health issues were uncovered. Things that I feel like should've been found or addressed over the years as I've had other ailments and such that have required testing, but I digress.

Anyway, after the sleeve was performed, I was notified of a malignant tumor on my stomach that was cut away with the sleeve,and a humongous staghorn kidney stone that had taken up residence in my left kidney. I have to follow up with an oncologist to make sure all is clear, and I've recently had 2 surgeries to get rid of the kidney stone. I feel like the sleeve has saved my life, truly, but my God this journey has shown me how bad off I really was (am?). I'm 34 and there were things happening in my body that don't typically affect people until later in life. (I've got a couple other issues not addressed in this post...) I had literally fallen apart! I'm grateful that none of this is fatal and the doctors are "rebuilding" me piece by piece.

So as I'm trying to define what is healthy for me weight-wise, I have all these doctors in my head and it is literally driving me crazy. Bariatric surgeon gave me a goal, pcp has another goal, urologist has a goal... Meanwhile, I have tons of dietary restrictions due to the different health issues. I'm overwhelmed mentally and emotionally. This process has become far more than I bargained for. I'm grateful, for sure, but this journey is...just that. A true journey.

Anyway, I guess this post is long enough. I just needed a place to put my feelings. :-)

[KristenLe 5,979]

I'm so glad that you had surgery so that they discovered the tumor. How scary! This journey is difficult alone never mind with the scare of Cancer on top of it. If you don't already - I would encourage you to go to a therapist who has experience in Bariatric Surgery. Maybe they can help you get your thoughts together. Congrats on the weight loss so far - that's definitely something to be proud of!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

You have been through alot. Something to consider; how about NO weight goal for now? Or perhaps a near-term goal and then set a new one? You are reclaiming your health, your life and it seems to me that the real goal is making those lifestyle changes. The scale is just a measuring stick; and not the only one.

When I was in the 300-350# weight range I could hardly fathom being normal sized. I decided my success criteria was getting and maintaining under 200#. I did eventually get down further,but it helped to think in less overwhelming chunks.

Stay positive, I know you are grateful but don't let the negatives bring you down!

[Christinamo7 4,042]

I think the end goal has to be put one foot in front of the other and continue to move forward! I posted a picture a few weeks ago of my uncle who is an inspiration to me. He probably had close to 200-250 to loose when he had the sleeve a few years ago. He is, well he's got to be around 70, and he is not going to get down to "goal" weight. but the surgery has saved his live. The last time I saw him before sleeve I cried for an hour as my husband drove towards Tennessee, convinced I would not see him again this side of heaven. He was so ill. heart disease, kidney disease, bad diabetes.

I did not know he was having the sleeve. Since the sleeve he has lost over 100 pounds and had a kidney removed for cancer. His wife had colon cancer discovered and he was able to do what he needed to do to care for her and to be present as she declined. The surgery saved his live, and gave him back a life worth living. Recently my cousin posted that her daughter and niece spent the night at Grandpa's house after Prom (because he lives in town) - what memories! I know he is thankful to be there for them.

For me, as I went on my journey to WLS it was discovered that I had a high WBC - it was bad. So, PET scans, cat scans, blood tests, repeat repeat. End of the day I have enlarged lymph nodes in my abdomen. It is either Cancer, a serious kind of infection or sclerosing mesenteritis. Right now they think the last thing is most likely. I thought I was never going to have the sleeve, even though my oncologist said getting the weight off was the best thing for me in order to fight off whatever it is. I was confused and scared. Finally had 1 !!! normalish WBC and was able to get approved. but it ain't over. I go back to oncology in July.

We are two of the ones for whom the cosmetic benefits are a BONUS - no longer a diabetic, almost off bp meds, and I really feel this surgery has given me the best chance at a future where I can enjoy my grown kids and grandchild. I am so thankful. I am thankful for you too.

[gowalking 10,790]

You're not alone..believe me. I knew I needed knee replacement prior to having WLS. After losing nearly 70 lbs...and still needing to lose alot more, I found out that it was my hips more than my knees that needed replacing. My joints were disintegrating and I felt almost betrayed by my own body. Then less than three months after the hips were replaced (yes..both hips) I was diagnosed with cancer. Really?? What else?? At that point, I had lost over 100 lbs. and felt like an old and sick woman...who had no control over her body at all.

For me, the next step was therapy. I saw a therapist for two years and we discussed a number of issues both food and non food related. I'm not saying you should do the same, I'm just saying this might all be too much for you right now and speaking with a professional might be a good option to help you sort out all you are going through.

{{Hugs}} and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[her1981 448]

@@gowalking I feel totally betrayed by my body. I'm trying to forgive myself for the abuse.

[Christinamo7 4,042]

@@gowalking I feel totally betrayed by my body. I'm trying to forgive myself for the abuse.

we all do the best we can with what we know when we know. life beats us up. forgive yourself and try to move forward. <3

[gowalking 10,790]

@@gowalking I feel totally betrayed by my body. I'm trying to forgive myself for the abuse.

Yup. I sure do understand where you're coming from. It's not so easy to forgive...I'm still working on it. The self hatred is still a huge burden.

[Montana Gal 448]

​Like @@gowalking, I too saw a therapist for about two years to sort out my past and figure out my future goals. Through my therapists help I came to believe that the choices we made in the past, good or bad, was a mechanism for survival. You, myself, all of us did what we had to do at that moment to survive. Now is the time for you to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you have too. Now is your time @1981, please consider seeking a good therapist to help you sort out your goals and thoughts to bring you to a place of forgiveness and peace. You are young, it's time for you to thrive instead of just survive. Please keep coming back to this forum and know you are not alone.

[her1981 448]

I so appreciate the encouragement and support. No one I know seems to understand these burdens.