Unfriendly friends

[tnovak29 3]

I have made the decision after years of being overweight to have the sleeve, I'm 29, 5'4", and 245 (highest 270). My best friend, who is also severely over weight, is totally against surgery. She says people all look like big wrinkly messes after because of the skin, they gain the weight back and it's the easy way out. I disagree with all of this and know it's the best decision for me and my family.... I want to tell her I'm going through with it and have her be supportative but I don't know how, any suggestions??

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[Andrea72 510]

Congratulations on your decision.

I'm only 6 weeks post op, but I can assure you that it is not the easy way out. At least for me anyway. There have been a lot of ups and downs, but I do not regret my decision.

I too encountered a lot of negativity but I'm hoping to use that to my advantage in keeping me determined to stay on track.

I'm the worlds worst at giving advice, so I can't offer any suggestions, but I will say please don't take it personally. Sounds to me as if your friend is a little jealous.

Maybe she isn't fortunate enough to have it, so she claims to be against it just to make herself feel better.

I've realized I'm guilty of doing the same thing when it comes to certain situations.

Unfortunately you might loose friends during the process. I have and I'm just starting out, but we are doing this for ourselves. For our health.

You just continue doing what you need for you, and I know things will be better than ever.

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[evelyn1470 37]

I think it should be ur decision not nobody else and this is really about getting Heathy u will feel a lot better with the weight off. Good luck God Bless

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[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

You may have to do this without the support of your "friend." In fact, it sounds like you'd be better off taking a break from her for some time.

I've been on these boards for almost 3 years now, and a pattern I see that's undeniable is that one's heavier friends are the ones who rail against WLS and, if they don't know about the WLS, simply getting slimmer.

Our healthier, slim friends usually cheer us on -- whether any of them know about the WLS or don't know about it.

Not hard to figure out why this pattern is the way it is.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Ask her to tell you everything she knows about bariatric surgery. Guaranteed it won't be much.

Give her your surgeon's phone number and tell her to call him and tell him that she disagrees with his diagnosis.

Tell her that some people do look like basset hounds when they reach goal....but that is what skin removal surgery is for. Then go buy a pair of skinny jeans in your goal size, to give yourself some incentive.

Geeze Louiz. Why can't people just be happy for us? Bariatric surgery has a way of exposing the raw dynamics of our relationships. Through this process you will have to seriously re-evaluate who is in your corner and who needs to keep their distance.

Don't give away your power. This is your journey.

[2goldengirl 2,076]

What she may be objecting to isn't you having surgery, but the change that you've begun in the relationship between the two of you.

While both of you were overweight and struggling with all that being obese in our society means, you had something in common that you won't have in common any longer - partly because by making the decision to have surgery, you've signaled that you aren't happy staying the same. You've decided on permanent change for yourself.

That leaves her potentially alone in a way she wasn't before. It may be hard for her to be as supportive as you would like for her to be under those circumstances.

[dcd1397 12]

I have made the decision after years of being overweight to have the sleeve, I'm 29, 5'4", and 245 (highest 270). My best friend, who is also severely over weight, is totally against surgery. She says people all look like big wrinkly messes after because of the skin, they gain the weight back and it's the easy way out. I disagree with all of this and know it's the best decision for me and my family.... I want to tell her I'm going through with it and have her be supportative but I don't know how, any suggestions??

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Ur going to experience negativity but try not to take it personally, that's what they want. The negativity is in hopes that u will change ur mind bcuz they are jealous or just too afraid to do what u decided to do which is take back ur health and life. This happened to me and I'm sure many other people on this forum can agree. Stay strong, stand by ur decision and be OK with the fact that everyone is not going to support u the way u wish they would. Cherish the people in ur life that have genuine support and rock out! Once she sees ur success she's gonna jump on the bandwagon...... Good luck to u!

Mrs. Hollis

[rosestara 48]

I went through a similar thing with one of my closest friends. She is close to me but she has only known me for 4 years so she didn't know me for the 20 years that I have been trying to lose weight. I am 44. Anyway, I just explained to her the reason why I want to have the surgery and then I told her how long I have been researching it and I told her about the long term statistics for people keeping the weight off. I also told her about some of the stories here. I even talked about some of risks and complications and the diet before and after so she would see that it isn't an easy way out. After several weeks of me talking, she said she would never have it herself (she is also very overweight) but now she understands why I am having it done and she will be there to support me. She even offered to go to the informational session with me. She is great friend.

[Clementine Sky 708]

Ask your friend how many times she's climbed 10 floors of stairs when she's in a tall building with elevators in solid working condition. How often she uses a microwave to quickly warm up food. How frequently she rides in a car, even for shorter distances, instead of walking or biking. When she's wanting to communicate with someone, does she send a text or email, or write out a letter and put it in the mail? I'm willing to bet she uses tools all the time that were designed for efficiency. It's logical. She doesn't construe any of that as being the "easy way out" even though it was all designed to make life easier, and to utilize time more wisely. The VSG isn't a quick-fix, easy way out. It's an efficient tool that has proven benefits in helping obese people to lose weight, and equally importantly to maintain weight loss. It's not pursued for vanity, but for profound medical and emotional benefits. It has been proven to help reduce the risks of serious weight-related diseases and health struggles that can substantially impact one's quality of life, and even shorten it by years. It has helped to decrease the risk of clinical depression, which can be as detrimental to your life as some medical diseases. Not only does having WLS help you, but it can actually help any children you might have in your future. I recently read a study about how women of reproductive age who lose weight following bariatric surgery can reduce the risk of obesity in her children through epigenetic mechanisms. If you already have children, then the more vitality you have the more active you can be with them. Taking care your own health is a part of benefitting their lives.

Statistically, few people who are obese lose weight and maintain that weight loss long-term. It's why an increasing number of doctors are recommending bariatric surgery because of the proven efficacy. It's not uncommon for some people to gain a bit of the weight back over time, but most still maintain a substantial weight loss. Nothing about WLS is easy. It requires significant dedication and self-discipline. It will require you to retrain your eating habits and how you think about food. It will cost you time and money. For me it's definitely been a worthwhile investment.

I definitely don't look like a "big wrinkly mess" post-surgery. I'm eight months out and my skin is even firmer than it was prior to the surgery. I had a lower BMI and have lost weight at a slower pace, and I believe that's helped my skin. Still, I'm a couple of years older than you, and I'm getting carded again. I can wear shorts with confidence. I am a professor and have been mistaken for a student many times since losing weight. I felt older last year.

Your friend's negativity could be a projection of her own insecurities and subconscious fears that if you have the surgery and shed weight, she'll lose something she has in common with you now. I'm not saying she's misery seeking company, but I do think her objections to you having surgery could be more about her than about you. At any rate, it's your body, your wellbeing, your life, your decision. Arm yourself with knowledge and then make a choice that is right for you. Best wishes.

[evelyn1470 37]

Omg!!! U already have a big group of friends that are supporting u!!! I think is best not to tell nobody and just say ur exercising and eating healthy.

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[SalOdyssey 441]

ANYONE who said these words "It is the easy way out" already doesn't know what they're talking about and frankly all other "advise" they give should be ignored.

Best of luck to you on your journey!!!

[ecornwall 4]

Your friend is probably afraid that you will change after and not be her fat buddy any more. She needs to change. If she will not support you, you may need to distance yourself. Your health is more important.

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[smg 471]

Congratulations on making the decision for yourself! The decision on whether or not to discuss with your "friend" is one you will have to make.

The only thing I can say is that the process brings a lot of emotions front and center, and you want to surround yourself with positive people, and leave the negative behind. Best of luck!

[KristenLe 5,979]

Misery loves company...

Your friend wants a fat buddy and is afraid of your weight loss changing your relationship. It might but you need to do what's best for you. And I'd much prefer having extra wrinkles and skin than fat (and die sooner) - that sounds like a very childish response.

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,900]

I have made the decision after years of being overweight to have the sleeve, I'm 29, 5'4", and 245 (highest 270). My best friend, who is also severely over weight, is totally against surgery. She says people all look like big wrinkly messes after because of the skin, they gain the weight back and it's the easy way out. I disagree with all of this and know it's the best decision for me and my family.... I want to tell her I'm going through with it and have her be supportative but I don't know how, any suggestions??

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It doesn't sound like her weight loss plan is working very well for her.

Don't let unsupportive people influence you or affect your efforts. An opinion is one thing, being very pessimistic and unsupportive is another.