Spouse unfaithful AFTER your Lap-Band?

[green 6]

I have chosen to call the other woman the whore because this thread is all about Zannie and her feelings and her pain. It is in no way intended to be an even handed anaysis of what may have gone on. Zannie does not need this at the present time. What she does need is practical advice and friends who are on her side. This is why I have also advised her to engage herself in a little bit of creative revenge on the whore. It will engage her intellectually and empower her by allowing herself the fun of knowing that the other woman is not getting away without experiencing some difficulties of her own.

If Zannie were still to be finding herself locked in the same state of pain and outrage a year or two down the road my advice would be much different. This is when one wants to see the sufferer start to move on, to rebuild her own emotional life, and to regain a sense of peace and contentment. Right now, however, Zannie is in the thick of it and though your advice is rock solid, TerriD, I personally believe that it might possibly be a little premature. I only say this because I still vividly remember the phases I went through during my own horrible break-up, a break-up caused (I felt at the time) by my husband's infidelity.

Time does pass, Water does flow under the bridge, and the most painful event of one's entire life can end up looking like a fortunate escape or the chance to grow closer together depending upon how things play out.

For sure healthy people will move on with their lives. It sounds like Zannie is trying to do so by giving her husband her heart and her goodwill. I agree with you: it is in her family's best interest to do so. If vilifying and avenging herself upon the whore is what it takes for her to get over this affair, then I think that she should go for it and enjoy it, too.

[TerriDoodle 6]

I definitely see your point Mz Green!

May the whore suffer the body odor of 1000 camels!!! :heh:

[Elaine The Great! 23]

I absolutely agree with Zannie doing everything in her power to save her marriage. Nobody knows better than I the despair of losing the man you love to another woman, be she a whore, a screaming bitch, or a mother with 4 kids who changed her mind and wants her husband back (as was my case). My point was that in the 9 months of heartbreak and despair it took me to get over being left for another woman, I had many moments of selfish spiteful get-even-pleasure plotting my revenge against the screaming bitch he left me for. I never acted out on any of them, for I, too, always choose the high road. But never underestimate the healing power of knowing that you could, if you wanted to, cause disruption and chaos if you really wanted to. I have and always will refer to the other woman as the "screaming bitch" even though the rational part of me knows that she is much more than that. I choose to hate her; it makes me feel better. She is the enemy. To this day, she has screaming fits every time someone mentions my name in her presence. She is persona non grata with mutual friends, they prefer me to her and I get immense childish immature pleasure from it. But at the end of the day, he chose her and the kids over me. Let me clarify that I was not then nor will I ever be the other woman in that relationship. They had been separated for months when we got together. She was relentless and never gave us a moment's peace and in the end, he went home. Her main problem was that it was ME, someone she has always felt threatened by because he told her once that he has been in love with me since we were teenagers and I never gave him the time of day. Then when they broke up, we got together and she went balistic and began her campaign to get him back. I will never again underestimate the power a woman has to manipulate a man. I've seen it first hand.

The "whore" is obviously unbalanced and I believe that in the end, Zannie's husband will reach his breaking point and be done with her. My advice to Zannie is to stick with what she's doing; be rational, set boundaries, don't wheedle, whine, threaten, cry, beg, or bargain. Showing him that she is still his best friend will have far more lasting impact than the whore bringing her estranged husband to beat up the brother in law did. And I still think the restraining order is a splendid idea.

I will now bow out of this thread; just wanted to put my two cents in...

Elaine

[green 6]

I definitely see your point Mz Green!

May the whore suffer the body odor of 1000 camels!!! :heh:

A friend of mine who has made a study of herbs claims she knows of one who will make the person who eats it stink like a 1000 camels. :bounce:I've never tried it out on anyone.....yet.

(Congratulations on your weight loss, TDoodle. Your new avatar looks great. )

[green 6]

And welcome to BandLand, ElaineU.

[Elaine The Great! 23]

Thanks green! I'll be seeing you around, I'm sure.

Elaine

[BJean 16]

These last posts since zannie signed off for vacation have been great. All have made excellent points on different sides of the picture. I think zannie will appreciate them when she gets back. But I gotta tell you guys, if I didn't know better (in my heart, I guess) I would think that the whole zannie story was made up. It just keeps getting more and more insane. Like just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. Gawd my heart goes out to the whole family.

Elaine I loved reading your posts.

Terri: I have been uncomfortable with the "whore" label we've put on the hussy too. But Green made the good point that we're here trying to comfort zannie and having us as her allies against the other woman is far more comforting than for us to show any sympathy for the skank.

I really do believe that it isn't a one-way street and that the husband isn't a victim. I think zannie's complaint should be with her husband. After all, her contract and vows aren't with the other woman, they're with her man. In a perfect world, women would stick together and they wouldn't be home wreckers, ever. But the world isn't perfect and our primal urges are stronger than we are sometimes.

I just keep hoping that the 3rd person in this whole affair will continue to act like a maniac and zannie's husband will realize how insane the whore is.

[Anastasia B 0]

I'm hoping you got the band for you, and not in hopes to strengthen your marriage. I can relate sooo very well to your pain. I promise you will get thru this..but let me ask you this..do you want your husband to stay because he wants to or because he feels obligated and guilty? I stayed with my ex for many years thinking it was easier than being alone. But I was lonilier with him.

[smilin_apple 0]

Interesting post to say the least, Elaine! Woke me up on this Sunday morning!

I don't agree with the concept of 'revenge' at all. It keeps you stuck in the situation when you really should be working on how to move on. My mother always taught me to take the high road in bad situations and so far it has worked for me pretty well. At least I find that I am a forgiving person and don't harbor many resentments, which makes me feel lighter. And I have endured quite a bit in my life.

Hello... I am new to this thread. I stumbled upon this topic when I was looking for something else. I, fortunately, have never had to deal with infidelity, at least that I know of. I am currently seperated and trying to divorce my husband. We were together for 9 years married for less than 3 of those years and have been seperated, officially since 9/2001. He was a very bad GAMBLER, and I tried everything to make the relationship work besides becoming homeless due to his addiction and was NOT going to do that to my daughter. Even though she still doesn't like the fact the her father and I are not together I know one day she will understand, she is still young (12 1/2). And it made it worse because she was always a Daddy's little girl, and after the seperation he has not been there for her at all. Even though he only lives 6 blocks away and has always had our number, he NEVER calls. Matter of fact if she is missing him she tracks him down and calls him to see if she can come over to see him, which I am the one who takes her there and picks her up. I HATE DOING THIS!! I feel so responsible sometimes for her lack of relationship w/ her dad. But then I remember that he is the one that broke up the relationship due to his addiction. I just wish he cared more to even call and say hi baby girl how are you doing, or daddy loves you...she gets nothing!!! This is the reason I HATE DIVORCE, but I know sometimes it has to be done. I just don't like what it does to the children. So I have vowed that I will make sure my next serious relationship will be as close to perfect as it can be, as far as all that her father did wrong. Sorry for venting so much...back to what I was going to say when I started typing........ I really do agree with you on the whole revenge thing, I have never taken action when it comes to revenge...I can't say how many times I have thought about things to do but I don't follow through. What I wish is that I could just let things like that go easier and not even think about it in the first place I think it relieve some of my pain if I could. I hope you all have a great evening and just remember to ALWAYS keep your head up Zannie...NO MATTER WHAT happens.

[DonHoll1 0]

Zannie, So sorry you are going through this. My husband did the same thing about two years ago. He left me for her and of course she was much younger than me and thin. I did not have my band at the time. She told him she was pregnant, but it turned out the baby was not his. Too late we are divorced, but i am doing fine now. It is all very hard and my heart goes out to you. Big hug!!! Donna

[mbanja 1]

Oh Zannie I so feel for you. Are you postive that she is pregnant or could this be a plot on her part to test him into leaving you? What is his thoughts on this? First let me vent....What a stupid idiot for not using protection. What was the dumba$$ thinking...I guess he wasn't. How could he be so stupid. Not only did he throw a wrench in a good marriage but he didn't even care that he might and now maybe has brought a new child into this mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGGGGHHHH! Sometimes men have no sense. Ok now, what you need to ask yourself is do you want to go on with him if he is willing. If you do and he is willing we all support you! Sometimes, and I am sure I don't have to tell you this, when people get together so young and have not experience other relationships it leads one's mind to wonder what it would be like. That being said, sometimes it is better on everyones part to be seperated. Sometimes going each their own way for a time will make things seem "new" again when 2 people get back together. Like you know each other from being together so long, but you don't really KNOW each other anymore. Do you understand what I am trying to say, I can't get it out like I want it. Like instead of growing together you have grown apart. Anyways, I am a firm believer in "Everything happens for a reason!" It will work out for the best in the end. I will be praying for you, and remember we are here supporting you with whatever you decide. If we always stay in our comfort zone then there is no room for us to continue grow as a person, our lives get stagnant. If you choose to end it or are struggling with what to do, maybe you need to get out and regrow as a strong beautiful woman inside and out! Taking that step is scary but focus on you getting HAPPY. BIG HUGS TO YOU! I know it seems right now that there is a tornado in your life and all you want is the sun to come out, in time you will weather this storm and be a better, stonger, happier person! One day you will look around you and see the sun, and the world and think "This is what I have been missing for so long." Everything is beautiful again and I CAN weather anything that comes my way. I can do it because I am a STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, SELF-SUFFICIANT WOMAN and no man will ever bring me down again!

[Donnajade 0]

Has anyone heard from Zannie? I'm worried about her. Zannie, if you read this, please let us know how you are.

Donna

[erikadawn 0]

shes probaly lying, they usually are.