Spouse unfaithful AFTER your Lap-Band?

[Kat817 19]

Seems to me if you have the emails, and backing them up in hard copy, and keeping a log, are both EXACTLY on target---and excellent advice---but anyway, seems to me, you should be able to take them to the police, if an actual threat of physical harm was made, against your brother, and if nothing else, have a peace bond, or a restraining order put on her, at least against your brother. He may not be afraid of her or her husband, BUT it would be prime evidence for you in the future!

If the woman is a true psycho, and she sounds as if she and her husband could both be---you need to document everything. And having police involvement, may not be a bad thing.

Pay attention to your surroundings, and be EXTRA careful of what you do and say---put yourself above reproach.

green--I think--I may be wrong (it would definitely not be the first time!!!) that maybe Laura read it in an earlier post in the thread...I can't scroll back, I am on quick reply, but I remember reading it too, and thinking at the time that the number was skewed. When I read Laura's post tho, the # seemed familiar to me.

Kat

[Zannie 6]

NOTE:

I began exploring LapBand about 6 years ago now. The doctor at the 1st seminar (of 6!!) that my husband & I attended (for bypass & LapBand) brought up the staggering statistic of divorce among WLS patients.

His theory was that "we" realize we married our partners for reasons that the "new ME" people we become no longer find to be valid/enough/necessary. That, by in large, WE leave our partners. He also said that partners who've never really "had to be" jealous over their WLS spouse, are suddenly faced with other people finding that spouse attractive -- which raises insecurity & jealousy issues within the partners themselves.

I remember hearing that, looking over at the love of my life, making eye contact, & patting his thigh where my hand was resting while he squeezed me on shoulder his arm was slung over. The doctor even commented on our reaction, saying that we didn't look like a statistic.

Again, the info is about 5 or 6 years old now. The source of the statistic is not listed in the materials I have from that presentation. I have come across it elsewhere over the years, but never really thought enough about it to look into the source.

I was positive that divorce was not in :love:MY:love: future. I still hope it isn't...:think

[green 6]

Thanks, Kat and Zannie, for clarifying the info on that 80% statistic. Anyhow, Lauraj, please don't be worrying that the band is going to be wrecking your brand new marriage. You will be just fine, grrl. :biggrin1:

It strikes me that Kat has a very good idea. It would be both amusing and useful for your brother to issue an official complaint with the cops concerning the threats she made to him. A peace bond would mean that the whore would be legally unable to get in touch with your husband while he is working at your brother's place of work.

As for the phone calls which she makes on the cell, is it possible to get a different cell number, an unlisted one?

I am very pleased to hear that the two of you are working on saving your marriage. A renewed and stronger marriage would be the best outcome for all of you including the children. Good luck and keep us in the loop, eh.

[anonemouse 1]

Zannie, you are a stronger woman than I would be, if I were in your position. Knowing myself, I would probably have thrown him out, filed for divorce, and been as vindictive of a bitch as I could possibly be (and I can be quite a vindictive bitch). Hell, I probably would have sued the woman for alienation of affection. So kudos to you for trying to save your marriage.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

NOTE:

I began exploring LapBand about 6 years ago now. The doctor at the 1st seminar (of 6!!) that my husband & I attended (for bypass & LapBand) brought up the staggering statistic of divorce among WLS patients.

His theory was that "we" realize we married our partners for reasons that the "new ME" people we become no longer find to be valid/enough/necessary. That, by in large, WE leave our partners. He also said that partners who've never really "had to be" jealous over their WLS spouse, are suddenly faced with other people finding that spouse attractive -- which raises insecurity & jealousy issues within the partners themselves.

I remember hearing that, looking over at the love of my life, making eye contact, & patting his thigh where my hand was resting while he squeezed me on shoulder his arm was slung over. The doctor even commented on our reaction, saying that we didn't look like a statistic.

Again, the info is about 5 or 6 years old now. The source of the statistic is not listed in the materials I have from that presentation. I have come across it elsewhere over the years, but never really thought enough about it to look into the source.

I was positive that divorce was not in :love:MY:love: future. I still hope it isn't...:think

WOW Zannie

I never knew the real thing behind that stat, but I agree. I ahve come to the realization that I do deserve better, something I never thought of fat.

[kellygirl13 0]

Zannie~

I admire you for wanting to work on your marriage, and I truly do hope that it works! Please, though, don't throw away the emails you've collected, or the journal, or any of the "evidence" you have. Those things could be invaluable to you with a judge in the event that the reconciliation attempt doesn't work. Given all that has transpired, it is pretty unrealistic and "Poor advice" in my opinion, for your therapist to be telling you to "trust". You can be open-minded and open to saving your marriage, but you must also be realistic and "hope for the best but be prepared for the worst". That means holding tightly to the emails, your journal (and keep writing....it can be very cathartic!) AND continue to take care of business (getting your medical, dental, etc. things done and paid for, AND buying the grocery gift cards - and maybe some gasoline gift cards, cards from your favorite clothing stores for you and kiddos, pharmacy gift cards, etc. and stash them away in a very safe place.) I'm not trying to be pessimistic......just realistic. A year ago, you would never have dreampt that you'd be in this situation. It is always best to be prepared and there is nothing wrong with looking out for yourself. If everything turns out OK, you can have an email-burning party in about 10 - 15 years. But, in the meantime, your husband, if he truly wants to save your marriage, has to EARN back your trust. You are not obligated to give it blindly. Please, take care of YOU and your kiddos!

Blessings to you!

Kelly

[green 6]

Zannie~

I admire you for wanting to work on your marriage, and I truly do hope that it works! Please, though, don't throw away the emails you've collected, or the journal, or any of the "evidence" you have. Those things could be invaluable to you with a judge in the event that the reconciliation attempt doesn't work. Given all that has transpired, it is pretty unrealistic and "Poor advice" in my opinion, for your therapist to be telling you to "trust". You can be open-minded and open to saving your marriage, but you must also be realistic and "hope for the best but be prepared for the worst". That means holding tightly to the emails, your journal (and keep writing....it can be very cathartic!) AND continue to take care of business (getting your medical, dental, etc. things done and paid for, AND buying the grocery gift cards - and maybe some gasoline gift cards, cards from your favorite clothing stores for you and kiddos, pharmacy gift cards, etc. and stash them away in a very safe place.) I'm not trying to be pessimistic......just realistic. A year ago, you would never have dreampt that you'd be in this situation. It is always best to be prepared and there is nothing wrong with looking out for yourself. If everything turns out OK, you can have an email-burning party in about 10 - 15 years. But, in the meantime, your husband, if he truly wants to save your marriage, has to EARN back your trust. You are not obligated to give it blindly. Please, take care of YOU and your kiddos!

Blessings to you!

Kelly

This is wonderful advice. :clap2::clap2::clap2:

[BJean 16]

Zannie: I know how it must have felt to find out that he was continuing to talk to her through emails. Terrible!

Just remember that your husband has been told many things to make him feel better about himself (as simply a man) than he has ever felt. Nevermind that it is all stuff that this wack job woman is using to get him. As phoney and ridiculous as it all is, it still feels very flattering and it can be a major problem in your husband getting her put back in the place that she deserves. When she reveals enough of her true self, he will be good and done with her. And he'll feel like a complete idiot for having fallen for it.

Now this could come soon or it could come sometime much later, probably after a divorce because you will get worn out with it. Hopefully she will continue to pull idioitic stuff and it won't take too much longer for him to see who and what she really is.

We all have very fragile egos and nothing feels much better than for someone of the opposite sex to find us attractive and smart.

Hang in there. You are actually doing very well. Just keep your own self-esteem in good shape and keep on looking out for yourself and your kids. I'm pulling for you and no divorce!

[green 6]

I have often been surprised by the capacity which some men have when it comes to putting up with stupid, incompetant, greedy, neurotic, and manipulative love interests. This lunacy of standing by a truly lousy choice holds equally true, by the way, for my gay friends; it is not just a straight guy thing. It does seem that many men are wired to be nurturing towards their sexual partners - they can't just f*** and run - and it may well be that although your husband's prime desire is to be with you and his children, he still feels something in the way of an emotional responsibility towards this ghastly woman. He may feel that because he did have a sexual relationship with her he cannot simply toss her in the garbage can. Remember that she still wants him and is applying her entire array of theatrical skills to this end. A loving and caring man is bound to feel guilty and concerned. A womanizer would have had no trouble kicking her to the curb when he was done with her but then you yourself wouldn't want to live with a man who is cold and uncaring and who is able to disengage himself from other people sufficiently that he can use them as sexual toys and then toss them aside.

I may be expressing this poorly but it seems to me that your husband's desire to treat the whacked out whore with kindness and respect may simply be a sign that he is a very good-hearted, loving, and decent human being. If this is true then he is still the same man with whom you fell in love and have spent many years. He will be unable to be cruel to her because he is a sensitive and loving man, and because they did have a thing and because she was and still is needy. But then you love him because he is a caring and sensitive individual and not a hard-hearted a**hole.

Nevertheless, keep your wits about you, take care of your financial business, and hang on to those hard copies of the emails. Trust that the very the best will happen, but prepare for the worst. I am always surprised by how many women opt to leave themselves in financially precarious positions, and divorce isn't the only event which can leave a woman dangling, widowhood can, too.

Of course we all want to see you and your husband back together. (The above advice was just in the nature of taking care of business advice.) It does sound like you two have a pretty good shot at it. Keep us in the loop.

[lepez 0]

Seems to me if you have the emails, and backing them up in hard copy, and keeping a log, are both EXACTLY on target---and excellent advice---but anyway, seems to me, you should be able to take them to the police, if an actual threat of physical harm was made, against your brother, and if nothing else, have a peace bond, or a restraining order put on her, at least against your brother. He may not be afraid of her or her husband, BUT it would be prime evidence for you in the future!

If the woman is a true psycho, and she sounds as if she and her husband could both be---you need to document everything. And having police involvement, may not be a bad thing.

Pay attention to your surroundings, and be EXTRA careful of what you do and say---put yourself above reproach.

green--I think--I may be wrong (it would definitely not be the first time!!!) that maybe Laura read it in an earlier post in the thread...I can't scroll back, I am on quick reply, but I remember reading it too, and thinking at the time that the number was skewed. When I read Laura's post tho, the # seemed familiar to me.

Kat

- I agree whole heartedly with Kat817. Your brother NEEDS to get a restraining order against her because it will help your case. If she threatens you in one of your husband's emails then You can get a restraining order for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. that would take care of the problem with her seeing your children.

- Forward ALL 1000 emails to a good friend or family member to print in hard copy. You never know what threats you might find in them or evidence of her being truly psychotic and unfit to be with your children. She might talk about drinking or addictions ( you never know). SEND THEM ALL.

- Don't keep hard copies in your house because he could destroy them and delete the electronic version.

- ALSO, don't tell your therapist anything that can incriminate YOU!!!!!! If you were to go to court then both you and him could supina( I know I spelled it wrong) the therapist or her notes to court.

[BJean 16]

lepez: Is that really true, a party to a lawsuit (divorce or other) can supoena a phychologist and make him/her produce his notes in court? I thought that was only in the case of a homocide.

As for forwarding the emails and having someone else copy them, I suggest that she be very careful about that. It is much better if she would take care of the copies of these emails herself. You don't want stuff like that floating around with others to read. If she cares one shred about her husband, and if the marriage stays in tact, it's a mighty huge elephant that they'd have to bury. I'm not saying this even so much as to protect her husband's respect from others, but also because if other people read these highly personal emails, they become a party to their relationship in a way.

It's sort of like one friend bellyaching to her other friend about some awful something-something her husband did that hurt her feelings, or was stupid. The friend forms a strong opinion about her husband and what a stupid louse he is. Then when the wife gets in a good mood toward her husband again, the friend is still thinking he's a jerk and the wife doesn't want her friend thinking those awful things about the man she loves. Not well put, but you get the point.

[Zannie 6]

Argh! We're supposed to be leaving in a 1/2 hour for a beach vacation with my parents & brother -- my 1st real vacation since 2001 (well, there was that weekend trip to see Thomas the Tank Engine last fall). But we're nowhere close to ready, and I've been totally distracted (wonder why?) & really let the preparations fall to the wayside... And I think I broke my pointer finger last night while doing last-minute laundry!! Plus, I just got disturbing news...

This was supposed to be a week without electronic communication capabilities -- leaving the cell phones & laptop at home, that sort of thing. But the brand new laptop that my dad ordered earlier this week arrived yesterday (damn the efficiency of Dell, wasn't supposed to arrive until next week!) & he's bringing it with him to play with setting it up!!!!! If I have yet to say so, my philandering husband is a computer tech. So not only is the "well, just set a password" thing a complete farce as far as security goes, but e-mail was "their" primary mode of communication!

I was supposed to have a week "off" from my vigilance & worry -- taking time for myself, for us, for our family & just relaxing... But now I'm just taking my vigilance & worry & my 2 young kids & my adulterous spouse & my harboring-hostile-feelings-toward-HIM parents & brother to a new house and letting everything stew for a week! I am suddenly dreading what, in its May conception, was supposed to be the long overdue vacation during which I reignited the passion in my marriage, re-proposed to my husband that we renew our vows on our 10th anniversary this x-mas in my made-smaller wedding dress, and was physically able (thanks to the Band) to enjoy rough-housing with my kiddies on the beach (even if that meant my saggy baggy elephant body being seen publicly in a swimsuit)!!! :hurt

I know I'm whining to all of you. :phanvan Thanks for listening... I've got to get this all out now because I know my anxiety & preoccupation with his adultery & very recent declaration of commitment to have no contact with the home-wrecking whore is enough to ruin this trip on its own -- without his doing a single additional thing wrong!!! It's not right nor fair to ask my parents to leave their much anticipated brand new toy at home so that my husband isn't tempted to start cheating again on our family vacation... But WHYYYYY did that damn computer have to arrive early?!?!?!? ARGH!!!!!

Okay, this will be my last post for a while. Can't wait to read all your back-n-forth upon my return! I don't reply nearly as often as I check in -- but I appreciate your support & constrictive advice/feedback very much. Y'all have really helped me keep MY sanity over the last moth...

Until my return...

Zannie

[Elaine The Great! 23]

Hi everybody, I'm new here. Just banded on 8/24 and still adjusting to the changes happening and those to come. I've been exploring this forum and found myself here this morning. I took my time and read all of the posts related to Zannie's happenings and I must say, I am amazed that there are others (especially you green) who think like me. I've never been married; been the other woman a time or two (ok..or three or four...), has some crazy romances, good and bad, and haved't given much thought to being cheated on until last year. My ex (a friend since 7th grade who finally left his wife and I finally said yes) cheated with his ex after a year of living together and left me to go back to the screaming bitch "for the kids". Right. Anyway, I just had to chime in and say I perfectly understand Zannie wanting to save her marriage. I understand forgiving the cheater. I don't agree with him still being in contact with the "whore", as she has been tagged, but I do understand the concept of it not being the end of the world to be cheated on. I know couples who have come out of it stronger and more committed to each other than ever. I do think that Zannie should plot her revenge, because no matter what anybody says, there really is nothing sweeter. I have mastered the art of getting even and am a firm believer in the saying, "revenge, my dear, is a dish best served cold". Let them think you're over it. Let them get on with their lives thinking they've gotten the best of you and then WHAM! right when they least expect it, something that only you can do. For Lannie, she should start with the restraining order. As for the laptop going on vacation, I'd hide the power cord as soon as we got there. Put it in the vacuum cleaner bag. Wish I could have told her before she left!

Looking forward to getting to know you all. I have stories for days. I like knowing that the support is here, but to tell the truth, I don't want to obsess about this band thing and let it become my life. I want it to be the thing that opens the doors to new things IN my life... Life for me is never dull, even at a solid 304 lbs. (294 on day of surgery!) Men, sex, fun, excitement, I have all of that, I just wanted to do this for me. Ok...yeah, I want better men, better sex, better fun and better excitement! Sorry... This is about Zannie. Can't wait til she gets back!This is good stuff...!

Elaine

[lepez 0]

lepez: Is that really true, a party to a lawsuit (divorce or other) can supoena a phychologist and make him/her produce his notes in court? I thought that was only in the case of a homocide.

As for forwarding the emails and having someone else copy them, I suggest that she be very careful about that. It is much better if she would take care of the copies of these emails herself. You don't want stuff like that floating around with others to read. If she cares one shred about her husband, and if the marriage stays in tact, it's a mighty huge elephant that they'd have to bury. I'm not saying this even so much as to protect her husband's respect from others, but also because if other people read these highly personal emails, they become a party to their relationship in a way.

It's sort of like one friend bellyaching to her other friend about some awful something-something her husband did that hurt her feelings, or was stupid. The friend forms a strong opinion about her husband and what a stupid louse he is. Then when the wife gets in a good mood toward her husband again, the friend is still thinking he's a jerk and the wife doesn't want her friend thinking those awful things about the man she loves. Not well put, but you get the point.

Yes. My friends lawyer did it but fortunately never needed to pull the therapist in because he settled right before they went to court.

[TerriDoodle 6]

Interesting post to say the least, Elaine! Woke me up on this Sunday morning!

I don't agree with the concept of 'revenge' at all. It keeps you stuck in the situation when you really should be working on how to move on. My mother always taught me to take the high road in bad situations and so far it has worked for me pretty well. At least I find that I am a forgiving person and don't harbor many resentments, which makes me feel lighter. And I have endured quite a bit in my life.

One thing you said did prompt me to write today...and that was that the other woman has been tagged as "the whore". That really has stuck in my craw ever since this thread began....like nails on a blackboard. Why? Because it seems to throw the full responsibility for this situation onto her when it is clearly a 50/50 deal. As if he is some kind of victim and she is the devil personified. We are all just himan beings and we "grow" by trial and error. It's very simple. If the DH were as mature as Zannie his boundaries would have been much stronger. But the DH and 'other woman' were probably destined to find each other and get ensnared in this mess....and everyone involved should be learning very valuable lessons indeed.

Everyone in this drama has choices to make and the ones who make the loving choice will be the ones to grow and flourish. If the 'other woman' truly loved the DH then she would let him go. But she is immature and selfish (maybe even mentally ill) and she is learning the hard way. Zannie is being forgiving and trustful (?) because she is more mature and has more at stake ...it is in her family's best interest for her to endure pain, uncertainty and hardship for the sake of others. DH is trying to get there....he is being manipulated not by the other woman but by his own primitive ego (i.e., the Freudian ego). He is no victim.