Spouse unfaithful AFTER your Lap-Band?

[Zannie 6]

It does sound like he wants you and the children. It is just that the whore has got him under some kind of spell. I think that it is a good move on your part to let him participate in the family vacation with you and the kids. It will drive the whore nuts! :heh: Anything which stops her from getting what she wants is a good thing in my opinion. Don't get mad, get even. :whoo:

Green -- you ought to read the e-mails -- she's a manipulative bitch. And That's not just the scorned wife saying it -- these e-mails are huge pitches - "fight for ME instead" - she's even asked him to marry her in one of them ====== she's still married (though supposedly separated from her husband)!!!!!! It's just the opposite of what you said about being the perfect lover because you didn't WANT attachment... She set out from the beginning to steal my husband for herself & despite his initial NOs, she kept coming on strong (using a different tactic)... And now that their lies & his betrayals are exposed, she's trying every trick in the book to keep him. His e-mails to her have said "I don't know you like this" and "I've never seen this side of you before" and "it scares me to hear you talk like that"..... She's pulling out all the stops & while he hasn't left home, and continues to tell her he doesn't intend to leave ME, he still hasn't cut it off with her...

Until she's out of the picture, what chance do I have? I don't know why, but I feel like if he could just shake her off & refocus HOME, then the choices we make would be OURS together to stay & fight or to let it go -- but right now the choices are a tug of war between the greener side where somebody else is mowing the grass & home where he's expected to do the yard work! Years & years of yard work are what he faces before home has a flowering garden again...

And I can't help but feel like owe it to everything I value in this world to fight... I'm just delusional, I guess...because I know this isn't a fight I can fight (let alone WIN) alone.

[Daisalana 33]

Wow.

Being newly banded AND newly married, this thread has got my jaw dropping.

In my mind, and from what my doctor told me, it's the patient that ends up leaving their spouse, due to feeling like they settled and now they can get better, etc.

I am so baffled about this. I personally see our sex life getting better with the surgery, and him cheating on me never crosses my mind.. maybe I'm young and naive??

Why is it do you think the spouse of patients cheat????

Also, where did the 80% statistic come from?

I'm just floored, trying to take in this whole thread

[green 6]

Zannie, this whore sure does sound like a nutbar! I am kind of surprised that your husband isn't running away from her. Maybe he is a man who suffers from a lot of guilt or maybe he just loves all the attention.

While I was still married to my ex-husband he got involved with another woman and started spending far too much of his time with her. He ended up being unable to break it off with her and yet he wanted us to remain married. I was plenty pissed off. I phoned her mate to tell him all about the affair. My husband and I went on a trip to Cuba with friends, something which had been arranged long before my discovery of his infidelity. This was a very weird experience as we were in the middle of self-destructing.

After we came back, and while he was out seeing her one evening I packed up all his stuff and put it on the porch. During this period I went to our bank, drained our joint account, set up a new one in my name, and told the tellers to honour any cheque with my signature and bounce his. I felt I had the right to do this; I was working, you see, and he was a musician. As a matter of fact, after we split up I found I had a lot more money. He was one expensive husband!

He moved in with the other woman but kept on trying to get back together with me. When he received the divorce papers he phoned me at work threatening suicide if I proceeded. He was hysterical. The other woman was, according to him, unhappy and feeling insecure because of his continuing attachment to me. I enjoyed hearing this, of course.

Nevertheless, I did divorce him and eventually we became pretty good friends. In fact he has met any number of the men with whom I have been involved over the years. His relationship with the other woman, a real skank, eventually fell apart - he left her - and he became involved with a fabulous woman who is now one of my best friends. But his cheating ways never stopped. He was addicted to the excitement of romantic attention. His fabulous woman, my wife-in-law, loved him enough to put up with this behaviour although this hurt her very much.

In general when the other woman is successful in stealing her man away from his wife she will end up suffering in the long run. He will eventually cheat on her, too.

Zannie, I don't know what your husband is up to and I doubt if he knows, either. Continue to keep your wits about you but try to avoid feeling too many negative emotions if you are able. Remember that he is the father of your children and whether you do split up or not, they will need to have a positive picture of him for their own emotional well-being.

But certainly do feel free to be creative about finding ways to drive the whore around the twist, sez Green. It's intellectually stimulating, it's a way of taking back control, and it's fun. :heh: Just remember to stay inside the law and to retain your dignity. Your children need their mother and you need your self-respect.

[Kat817 19]

:heh: Just remember to stay inside the law and to retain your dignity. Your children need their mother and you need your self-respect.

Could not have said it better myself!!!! WoooHooo---relieve some of your tension with revenge!!!

Back towards the begining of this thread, someone, it may have been green, maybe BJean, not sure, mentioned if he was not dissing her then you could be confident he would not do that to you either. Makes me think, that is your best info for the fight you are in. While she manipulates, and makes wildly differing demands from what she hooked him with, you make your demands known....to be faithful, a good husband and father, to attend counceling...etc...serious, necessary demands. Either he keeps them, or it is over. No wild emotions, no theatrics. The same stable, loving woman he married, the same good mother to his children.

Show him there are differences in the 2 of you besides the ones between the sheets. Make him use the head on his shoulders.

It is my opinion that while he has made some serious mistakes, and changed to a point through this, he has not changed 100%. The stable best friend is there....wanting back what he had. He needs to see it there, just beyond reach...and know it CAN be his again...when he works hard enough to attain it.

I do not mean make him jump through silly hoops---that sounds like her game. I mean, let him know what exactly it will take to be a family again, and let him either do the work, or make the walk. YOU and your children are worth that---he has a past with you, he has extended family with you---he needs to see what exactly he stands to lose.

Have you discussed property division with him? How he will be expected to help financially if he finds the wild life too appealling? Has he fully faced the consequences of this do you think, or is he just wanting to wait it out, and let the chips fall where they may?

Does he know you have read the email? Good for you----keep informed of it all! And I would let her know I do read them....well maybe not, then she might temper what she says.....hmmmmm

Kat

[Kat817 19]

But certainly do feel free to be creative about finding ways to drive the whore around the twist, sez Green. It's intellectually stimulating, it's a way of taking back control, and it's fun. Just remember to stay inside the law and to retain your dignity. Your children need their mother and you need your self-respect.

Missed part of the quote I wanted----the first part of this---I loved it!!!!

Kat

[TerriDoodle 6]

The thing that strikes me about his behavior is that he seems to be indulging the other woman's need for attention even though he says he wants to work on his marriage. To be blunt, it says to me that he doesn't have the gonads to be FIRM with her and tell her, with finality, that it is over....not necessarily that he 'misses her' and is torn between the two of you. The fact that he succumbed in the first place (that she "worked on him until he gave in" ) tells me that he has an issue with boundaries...coupled with his depression...makes for one helluva weak fellow. He's got 2 women...one is wiley the other is strong and intelligent. The guy doesn't stand a chance until he grows some kahunas and takes a stand. It is not easy by any means. It is, however, entirely necessary. The same goes for you, Zannie. I agree that you should outline your terms but without drama or tears or sarcasm or spite. You are simply defining your boundaries. That is way healthy for you and maybe will push him into some sort of meaningful action.

BTW, I am not a licensed health professional!! My advice is worth exactly what you pay for it! Just been there, done that and have at least 1 T-shirt.

[BJean 16]

zannie: Something you said a few posts back struck a chord with me. My Ex definitely wanted me to make the decision to split. I didn't realize it at the time because I was such a mentally beaten, emotional wreck. But the fact is, he SAID that he didn't want a divorce. He told all his friends and family that he didn't want a divorce. He told our pastor he didn't want a divorce. He said he couldn't understand why I wanted a divorce. Yet his behavior was a different story. He did everything he could to push me over the edge. Then when I finally did tell him I wanted a divorce, I was the bad guy - for all the world to see. He was able to convince himself and the people in his church that it was I who was incapable of making our marriage work.

That was 40 years ago!! And a couple of years ago my former sister-in-law, still married to my ex's brother, came to town and invited me to lunch. I hadn't seen her in almost 40 years! Over lunch she asked me the question, "Please just tell me one thing... have you ever regretted divorcing him?" What??!! OMG, I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that after all these years and my practically total disconnect from him, that she could wonder if I regretted divorcing him.

I have been happily married to my current DH for 34 years and he adopted her brother-in-law's biological son (with my ex's complete consent) and my DH and I have a gorgeous daughter. We have enjoyed a beautiful, solid family life for 34 years. What in the world would make her think that I regretted the divorce???!!! In case you're wondering if she asked because my Ex is wealthy, although my Ex has enjoyed a great deal of success as an architect, my current DH is a brilliant man who has had an extraordinary career and provided a wonderful lifestyle for us and our kids.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I told her that I didn't want to seem callous or mean, but that frankly divorcing him was the best decicion that I have ever made! I told her that there were so many things that I could tell her that would help her to understand, but she very quickly said she didn't want to know any of that. Well, that was fine with me... she can continue to believe that he's a saint until the day she dies if she wants to. I am just glad that I had the opportunity to assure her that I very definitely made the right decision, period, end of story.

I'm not trying to convince you that your course of action should be what mine was, but I am saying that I was up against the same thing (although different specifics) you're up against with him trying to get you to make the decision. If you do wind up making the same decision I made, be prepared for the whole world to think you're the bad guy. It was tough at the time, but for me, worth it a million times over.

And although it may have taken a really long time, my son learned all on his own why I divorced the guy. I never had a bad thing to say about his biological father because I didn't think it was fair to my son. Thank goodness I didn't ever become so angry and bitter than I ran my Ex down or fought with him in front of our son - and man there were sure times that I wanted to. But I felt my responsibility was first and foremost to my child. It has paid off in spades over these many years.

Btw, my Ex even went so far as to tell our son that "If it weren't for his mommie, we could live together as a family." That was when my son was 4 years old. He never paid a dime of child support unless I begged him. His child support debt was $85 a month. He wouldn't have even noticed a blip in his checkbook. He only saw our son when I suggested it because our son wanted to know if he could see him. And when he was with him, he was talking me down. And his sister-in-law wants to know if I regretted divorcing him - it boggles the mind!!!

[BJean 16]

lauraj23: Please do not think that 85% of people with the band get cheated on by their spouses! It just isn't true.

This is a thread for that particular topic, and you're reading many cases of it here, but it is a very small percentage of the people who post at LBT, certainly not the majority!!

Good luck with your band.

[lepez 0]

Green -- you ought to read the e-mails -- she's a manipulative bitch. And That's not just the scorned wife saying it -- these e-mails are huge pitches - "fight for ME instead" - she's even asked him to marry her in one of them ====== she's still married (though supposedly separated from her husband)!!!!!! It's just the opposite of what you said about being the perfect lover because you didn't WANT attachment... She set out from the beginning to steal my husband for herself & despite his initial NOs, she kept coming on strong (using a different tactic)... And now that their lies & his betrayals are exposed, she's trying every trick in the book to keep him. His e-mails to her have said "I don't know you like this" and "I've never seen this side of you before" and "it scares me to hear you talk like that"..... She's pulling out all the stops & while he hasn't left home, and continues to tell her he doesn't intend to leave ME, he still hasn't cut it off with her...

Until she's out of the picture, what chance do I have? I don't know why, but I feel like if he could just shake her off & refocus HOME, then the choices we make would be OURS together to stay & fight or to let it go -- but right now the choices are a tug of war between the greener side where somebody else is mowing the grass & home where he's expected to do the yard work! Years & years of yard work are what he faces before home has a flowering garden again...

And I can't help but feel like owe it to everything I value in this world to fight... I'm just delusional, I guess...because I know this isn't a fight I can fight (let alone WIN) alone.

Zannie,

I am so sorry that this has been so out of control. I haven't followed for a couple weeks so I had some catching up to do. First of all, you have every right to still be devistated. This is such a huge change for you. I agree that you shouldn't make any major changes unless you are ready. However, there is one thing I want to suggest. Just in case he were to serve you papers( and he probably WON'T but you never know) you need to get a few things done for yourself while it is still BOTH of your money. Things that you would not want to pay for yourself like new tires on your car, major dental work, new clothes in a few smaller sizes, gift certificates for the grocery store, clothing stores or toy stores for presents and stuff later, a new camera and flashcards, etc. It can't hurt to be prepared and even if you work it out you need that stuff anyway. I hope you take care of yourself. You are in my prayers

[TerriDoodle 6]

zannie: Something you said a few posts back struck a chord with me. My Ex definitely wanted me to make the decision to split. I didn't realize it at the time because I was such a mentally beaten, emotional wreck. But the fact is, he SAID that he didn't want a divorce. He told all his friends and family that he didn't want a divorce. He told our pastor he didn't want a divorce. He said he couldn't understand why I wanted a divorce. Yet his behavior was a different story. He did everything he could to push me over the edge. Then when I finally did tell him I wanted a divorce, I was the bad guy - for all the world to see. He was able to convince himself and the people in his church that it was I who was incapable of making our marriage work.

Excellent point, Bjean. I've seen this happen at least twice to good friends of mine. Sounds like your ex was a bona fide narcissist. Yuck.

[Zannie 6]

Zannie,

Just in case he were to serve you papers ( and he probably WON'T but you never know) you need to get a few things done for yourself while it is still BOTH of your money. Things that you would not want to pay for yourself like new tires on your car, major dental work, new clothes in a few smaller sizes, gift certificates for the grocery store, clothing stores or toy stores for presents and stuff later, a new camera and flashcards, etc. It can't hurt to be prepared and even if you work it out you need that stuff anyway. I hope you take care of yourself. You are in my prayers

Yeah -- I just took my car in for the 60K work up & to fix most everything that had been wrong with it ...... to the tune of $2000. I've been suffering with all those problems for over a year now, just not having the actual cash to fix them. His charge card (on which I am still an authorized user) took care of that. I am well over due for new glasses & have some dental work needed, too...

What I'm worried most about in terms of "papers" is custody of our children -- specifically keeping the wacko whore away from my kids! He's far too wrapped up in her to see this psyco-bitch as anything but a saint, and that means the well-being of my kids is in jeopardy should he choose to leave. (Again, I think he's waiting for me to hand his walking papers so he won;t have to actually make the choice. I am safe in our home, as are our kids. Well, unless SHE comes crawling around -- she made a threat to "kick" my baby brother's (29 :biggrin1:) "ass" because he hung up on her when she called to DH's 2nd job (where she knows my bro is manager), introducing herself as his girlfriend & wanting to speak with my husband. He told her politely that "DH was unable to accept calls from her at this number" & when she kept talking at him, he hung up. Her next e-mail is all about how she & her estranged husband drove from her town to where they work to "handle it", but that the place was already closed for the night by the time they got there. Um, uh.... WHAT THE F*CK?!?!? DH says he didn't believe she'd really harm anyone, and didn't tell anybody about this threat. (I did FWD it to my folks, brother & his folks when I found THAT e-mail!) But back to the bigger point: I don't want her anywhere near my babies! And I'm trying to keep that focus at the forefront of my actions...

Oh, I don't know WHAT I'm doing...........

Zannie

[green 6]

Zannie: don't let your husband or the whore know that you have access to her emails but do print these out in hard copy. You will require them as leverage at the time of your divorce should you decide to go this route.

You should also keep a diary/log where you note down the day and details of such incidents as the threats made to your brother, the times when your husband spends his time with the whore, the frequency of her phone calls, when and how you first learned about his affair, etc. You might also enter into this book everything which you have come to learn about her and her association with your husband; her claim that she was pregnant with his child would be a good place to start.

Remember that proof of her emotional instability, her threats, etc will certainly assist your case when you request sole custody and that your children be kept clear of the crazy bitch.

It seems that her estranged husband is actively pushing for the success of her relationship with your husband. Perhaps he is anxious to see her married and off his hands. That way he will be free of this crazy chick and will also be able to avoid paying out alimony. A double win for him.

Lepez's advice about getting all your financial ducks in a row is superb advice.

I know that you are feeling pretty much at sea at this time. This is normal. But it seems to me that you are doing a fine job of keeping your wits about you. You are much luckier than I was when I went through this: you have the rest of us to use as both a support group and as a source of advice. I went through my divorce solo and often felt as though I was losing my mind. I had no friends who had ever gone through a split, you see.

Anyhow, keep on keeping us in the loop. We are all here for you.

[TerriDoodle 6]

Brace yourself Zannie....there's not a damn thing you can do to stop him from introducing them to her. Not in Texas, anyway.

[edit: Oh, that's right! If you can support that she is half crazy then that is your best chance! Especially since she has made threats. Sole custody is very hard to get unless he is a drug addict, alcoholic or otherwise is shown to pose a risk to the children.]

[green 6]

Wow.

Being newly banded AND newly married, this thread has got my jaw dropping.

In my mind, and from what my doctor told me, it's the patient that ends up leaving their spouse, due to feeling like they settled and now they can get better, etc.

I am so baffled about this. I personally see our sex life getting better with the surgery, and him cheating on me never crosses my mind.. maybe I'm young and naive??

Why is it do you think the spouse of patients cheat????

Also, where did the 80% statistic come from?

I'm just floored, trying to take in this whole thread

Lauraj, I am surprised to hear about this statistic of 80% and would love to know where you dug this up. If you will look at the results of the poll which is part of this thread only 3 individuals have responded that their sexual relationships have altered post-banding. The vast majority of us report that life continues as usual. In light of this I really don't understand why you find the contents of this thread to be disturbing.

There is one individual who is currently suffering marital difficulties and she was the one who began this particular thread. The rest of us who have responded with our own stories of ghastly failed marriages experienced these bum marriages in our past, and not as a result of the band.

I suspect that big changes can place intolerable stress on relationships which may already be vulnerable. Such changes will include the loss of a job, a new baby, a big promotion, major illness, and the change in the physical beauty of one or the other mate.

[Zannie 6]

Not to worry -- I have hard copy put away. Not of all their e-mails (about 1000 over what is now almost a 3 month time period), but of the ones directly related to having sex with each other & the ones in the beginning as they were establishing their "relationship" beyond that of co-workers. And, of course the one threatening to kick my brother's ass. (Laughable since she's 5'7" & only 117, but her hubby-dear came with her to "handle it" which my DH presumed meant defuse her or that he's be the physical one. Wish I really knew which.....ya know? The whore & her estranged-DH have a 2-1/2 year old son, BTW.) She really was institutionalized for about a week, one week after the SEX began/2 weeks after the flirting started -- I'm not just making that up. So I hope that will help me if it comes to that. Threats against members of my family ought to come in handy, too. Wouldn't you think?

Back to the e-mails..... my husband GAVE to me a great many e-mails, printed them out himself in an "effort" to prove full-disclosure as I have repeatedly requested. No, he did not immediately give me everything,...not the secret e-mails from the 3 "adultery" accounts (that I know of to date), but plenty of "juicy" stuff from his work account (they were co-workers until she was fired for unrelated reasons & immediately sent to the loony bin) & from his regular "personal" account. At some point he got freaked that their identities were determinable in the e-addresses of those long-standing "regular" accounts, so they made "matching" yahoo accounts for the adultery. Only after I spotted that one of the messages had been FWD out of the regular account did I realize there was more he had still not disclosed, such as her psychiatric institutionalization. He created another "cheating" account a few days after my initial discovery of the adultery. They have been in constant contact (apx. 200 e-mails since Aug 6th) at that new account. He confessed that account to me last week because A) I'd already overheard the 2nd "discovery" that he was still in contact with her, and because his shrink said to give me access to all his e-mail accounts & voice-mail if he wanted to really put effort into saving our marriage. Granted, he could have easily created another adultery account that I'm not aware of at this moment.

But I've also been told by the marriage counselors that if I am really "100% committed to saving our marriage" then I need to extend trust so long as he "continues to have no contact with the other woman"... She e-mailed him Tuesday morning (which I was sure he replied to under a new screen name), Wednesday afternoon (saying why didn't you reply - why aren't you at work--yes, she called a co-worker to find out why he wasn't answering his phone, pretty much "proving" he hadn't replied), called his cell at 12:45am (cell in my purse, didn't hear it) & our home at 1AM last night when we were expecting a buzz from his parents (where he used "can't" several times & "I'm sorry" in telling her he couldn't talk to her -- not WON'T statements like the counselor advised), but he did hang up on her very quickly. Does that mean he's really, finally going to TRY for our marriage? I don't know, but I'm being asked to trust that it does. And for some reason I still want to save my marriage... So, there you have it.

Zannie