Spouse unfaithful AFTER your Lap-Band?

[green 6]

My comments concerning infidelity may well be unpopular and unwanted but I feel that I may as well wade into this topic. I do believe that people are unfaithful for many, many reasons. While it is true that some individuals may be shallow, careless of the feelings of those close to them, and greedy for sexual experiences, most individuals engage in outside relationships for any number of other reasons.

I have known at least two men who had chosen to fool around on their mates because they were sexually inexperienced when they first fell in love and settled down. After some number of years their sense of having missed out on a vital "masculine" part of life began to grind these men down. In one case the wife, my good friend, sent her husband over to seduce me while she was out of town. At the time I was a single woman and according to her husband, once he confessed all, they figured that my friendship was expendable.

I had, while I was single, had a few sexual relationships with married men. To tell the truth, I was the perfect "other woman." This is because I was happy with my lifestyle and had no desire to steal anyone's mate. Because I was alert and interested as to what was going on with these men, I learned that these were individuals who deeply loved their wives and kids. Much of what constituted these adulterous affairs consisted of friendship and psychotherapy. Indeed, I really did feel like a sex therapist. There was only one instance where the individual wanted to jump ship in order to live with me, something which I was absolutely against. Ugh!! for me because I had no desire to settle down.

In all other cases the adulterer was profoundly attached to his mate and to his family. I found this deeply touching and this is why I would be unable to cast my mate adrift if I were to learn that he had been sexually unfaithful even though I would be left feeling terribly hurt and jealous on the short term.

What many people don't understand is that people are often unfaithful for reasons which have everything to do with their own private issues, pains, and insecurities: infidelities of this nature may have nothing at all to do with you. Please listen to me: I have been both the wife and the other woman. At the moment I am a wife and have been for the past 22 years. I tell you this because I would like you to know that I am not biased in either direction.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

My comments concerning infidelity may well be unpopular and unwanted but I feel that I may as well wade into this topic. I do believe that people are unfaithful for many, many reasons. While it is true that some individuals may be shallow, careless of the feelings of those close to them, and greedy for sexual experiences, most individuals engage in outside relationships for any number of other reasons.

I have known at least two men who had chosen to fool around on their mates because they were sexually inexperienced when they first fell in love and settled down. After some number of years their sense of having missed out on a vital "masculine" part of life began to grind these men down. In one case the wife, my good friend, sent her husband over to seduce me while she was out of town. At the time I was a single woman and according to her husband, once he confessed all, they figured that my friendship was expendable.

I had, while I was single, had a few sexual relationships with married men. To tell the truth, I was the perfect "other woman." This is because I was happy with my lifestyle and had no desire to steal anyone's mate. Because I was alert and interested as to what was going on with these men, I learned that these were individuals who deeply loved their wives and kids. Much of what constituted these adulterous affairs consisted of friendship and psychotherapy. Indeed, I really did feel like a sex therapist. There was only one instance where the individual wanted to jump ship in order to live with me, something which I was absolutely against. Ugh!! for me because I had no desire to settle down.

In all other cases the adulterer was profoundly attached to his mate and to his family. I found this deeply touching and this is why I would be unable to cast my mate adrift if I were to learn that he had been sexually unfaithful even though I would be left feeling terribly hurt and jealous on the short term.

What many people don't understand is that people are often unfaithful for reasons which have everything to do with their own private issues, pains, and insecurities: infidelities of this nature may have nothing at all to do with you. Please listen to me: I have been both the wife and the other woman. At the moment I am a wife and have been for the past 22 years. I tell you this because I would like you to know that I am not biased in either direction.

See green, this is why I love you! :car: Hugs. I could not have said it better in any way myself, and I thank you for saying what is in your heart unpopular or not. I agree with you, entirely. No one ever knows the real reason people cheat, not even the cheater themselves.

[faithmd 14]

I agree with you both, Green and Boo Boo.

[green 6]

Thanks, ladies.

[BJean 16]

Good job Green. You said much better what I've been trying to get across here.

Many women are so hurt by their husband's affair, they are willing to throw everything they have, including the well being of their children down the drain. If they would stop and consider the reason for the affair, they will probably find out that their husbands needed something for themselves and that it is often not because they don't love their wife and children.

Wronged women are quick to fill up with hurt and bitterness and it makes them feel better to "kick him to the curb". Unfortunately her friends and family are usually in support of that action.

When one part of a couple has been "wronged" it would be better for both people if they would step back and take a good long look at the whole situation before they make any major decisions. Believe me, this is the voice of experience talking here. If we had not been willing to do that when our marriage broke down, we would have missed out on over 30 years of having a better marriage than we ever dreamed possible.

As for the man or woman who has been stepping out with someone who has, over the course of a few months made them feel great, the odds are completely against that new relationship ever working out, even if a divorce occurs.

[Kat817 19]

If this other woman had been satisfied being the other woman---our OP would not know, and perhaps the other woman would have helped her DH out of the mental funk he was in or whatever. BUT she come after him from the get go! She wanted him...and she had him, and is now working on keeping him. I have lived this situation out in person!

I tried to get past the adultery, and felt I could get on with our lives from that point. Then come the child---the one in my life, was and is a real child, obviously his, (he and my DD look alike!) Then things changed yet again---he wanted to be involved in the childs life, the woman refused an abortion, to his delight---was my suggestion! He wanted us to adopt and raise the child, she refused. Then he finally admitted to what he really wanted, he want us both he said. Finally.....honesty. Not something I was ok with, but honesty! At one point I told him, I just didn't get it, when this girl first started working for them, he made fun of her for being dirty, and she never shaved her legs or armpits, and he was grossed out, and from that he went to being intimate with her??? His reply? That the 2 of us are like apples and oranges, very different, but he likes them both, and was not willing to say he would never want to eat oranges or apples again, he wanted a balanced diet. At the time it was devastating, now it strikes me as a bit comical!!! I looked into my future and realized this was not a one time thing, either I accepted an open marriage, and all that that could entail, or I needed to get out. We divorced...after he fought it every way possible for the next 3 years! He had 3 kids besides ours together by that time!

I fully believe there is a difference in how and why men have sex outside of marriage, as there is with women. The OP's situation was just like a serious deja`vu thing!!!

My DH's former wife screwed around on him with his "best friend". She actually left he and the kids to go with the guy. We were very open and honest that the cheating was something that was a deal breaker. In the end, we are very well suited to one another, have a wonderful sex life with one another, and personally I have no desire to go elsewhere, and sincerely hope he feels the same. Were he to stray---and it be a sex only thing. As an example, you see lots of movies, with the guys being drunk at a bachelor party, and landing in bed with someone. There are no whispered words--at least none he is likely to remember---let alone keep! Something of that nature I would entertain the idea of working through. Someone, he snuck around to meet, or bought things for, or shared an emotional bond with as opposed to strictly the physical bond....that I would not even consider living through again. At 20 something it was a blow to my likley oversized ego of the age---now, my ego could not take the beating.

While I understand, and in theory agree with much of your post green, I know my own heart to be to fragile to take it again.

At one time in my past, I found I was in fact the other woman. I had no idea he was married, we had dated for 2 months, and he took me out of town, and he kept using the pay phone rather than the room phone, and my gut went uh-oh! Sure enough, I found out he was married. I ended it, but I never EVER would have said anything to the wife.

I think working through it with a therapist, not taking the other woman at her word...insisting on testing--both STD, and eventually paternity---is definitely called for. Back in the day I went through it, AIDS was just presenting itself, and Maury didn't have "Who's your Daddy?" shows on every other day. Paternity testing was an expensive, and seldom done test.

In relating my experience, I did not mean to encourage the OP to divorce her DH. I just wanted to loan her some strength, and let her know one way or another she will survive this, and be stronger for it.

I too appreciate knowing we can count on you for an honest, and well thought out response to any situation green. I do look forward to your posts, they often times make me think things through a little more thoroughly!

Kat

[BJean 16]

Wow Kat, it sounds like you were married to a guy that is just one self-centered, selfish SOB. Since he obviously had no intentions of changing and didn't think it was a problem, and that you should adapt to his wanting a "balanced diet", I don't think you had any choice but to extricate yourself and try to have a happy life without him. I'd be willing to bet that your former husband is a man who is still involved in lots of messed up relationships. Must be a control thing as well as an ego thing.

When we had problems, they paled in comparison to what you were dealing with!!

Congratulations for being able to get on with your life, both for your sake and those of your children! You must be a strong intelligent woman, thank goodness!

[green 6]

I always appreciate your posts and enjoy hearing your voice, Kat. You are wise and kind and experienced. And you are also right: while it is true that many individuals may stray for reasons which are entirely personal and have nothing to do with their loved ones, it is also true that if this needy and perhaps emotionally fraught adulterer happens to choose to dip his d!ck in the wrong well, he will end up by smashing what he does prize the most, his wife and family. This is certainly the risk that all adulterous individuals are up against and this is why society strongly prefers that we don't fool around. All of the major world religions stress the value of chastity outside of the framework of a stable union.

A few religions, most notably Islam, do allow for multiple marriages and some cultures have accepted the concept of concubinage. Though this is a crummy deal for women what is acknowledged in these set-ups is that both women and their children must belong in a secure and stable setting. They must be protected.

Child support payments and alimony were originally devised in order to protect those women and children who found themselves cast off by careless and callous mates.

The problem with any sexual engagement, apart from masturbation, is that it involves 2 people and these 2 people may find that they have very different emotional needs. A married man who decides to have a fling with a sexually very aggressive single woman is likely going to run into grief. This is a chick who is anxious to mate and to settle down. Her clock might be tick, tick, ticking down, you know. A married guy with a wife and kids may indicate to her on some kind of subconscious level that he will make for a stable mate and parent...and thus his allure, eh. Or she might be competitive. Or she might enjoy destroying stable relationships.

When I was a single woman I would always run away from men who showed no love for their mates or ex-mates. I figured that a man who was unable to love the other women who had filled his life would be unable to love me. My plan was never to leave and then be dissed. Whether a relationship is going to last a lifetime or just a few hours it is a fine thing to understand that you will be remembered and valued.

This brings me to an awfully strange place with respect to Zannie's present situation. Certainly Zannie has been horribly damaged by her mate's behaviour. She may well wish to move on. Should Zannie and her mate choose to resume their life as a couple, she might wish to take comfort from the fact that her husband has never dissed his mistress. A weird and kinda grotesque comment on my part, Zannie, but remember that such a man will never, ever diss you.

[Kat817 19]

BJean---he was a jerk, and continues to be a jerk. He currently lives with a former friend of mine, and claims multiple girlfriends on the side. I cannot count the number of times, he has contacted me and tried to tell me what a mistake he made! He would not have changed, even if I had fallen for the line one of those times!

He has so many problems!! He actually bragged to my DD when she was in High School, and had been to his house with friends of hers and her brothers (1/2 brother technically---he is just over a year younger than she is) that in High School they called him Doc, because he had every kind of drug available, and if he didn't he could get it. He bragged this up, like it was something very cool. Now I dated him from his sophmore year until he quit school as a senior---and aside from occasionally smoking some pot....he did not do drugs, let alone sell them....and to a point of being called Doc??? puhleeze! Not to mention even if it had been true---telling that to teenagers? The man is mentally unstable, he is a serious alcoholic, as is the woman he lives with now. She says she lets him stay because she knows he is faithful....says he can't get it up anymore!!! Sorry I have to laugh over it! Wonder who is fooling who? On second thought, who really cares!!!

It is never fun to live through marital problems. At the time they are all consuming. I wish there was a way to help the OP get through the tough times ahead....just know we are here!

And BJean, some days I do feel strong, and occasionally even mildly intelligent---others, I still question my own judgement! I went from this moron to another even worse. WAAAAY worse! Then I took a total break, quit dating, and finally turned to a life long friend---and found out what love and marriage really were all about!

Kat

[green 6]

My ex-husband, the only guy whom I actually legally married, was a chronic sexual cheater. Though I came to understand the reasons behind his neediness I also decided that I didn't love him enough to live with his ways. When I sued him for divorce he was devastated and threatened to kill himself if I proceeded.

He didn't kill himself and the woman who had done the most damage to our marriage didn't last all that long. He dumped her pretty damn quick and later on became involved with a woman whom he adored and he was anxious that we meet each other and become friends. By this time enough Water had flowed under that bridge that my ex and I were buddies. I met his girlfriend and thought that she was fabulous. We had a lot in common and we have remained very, very close up to this day. She also ended up having to deal with his infidelities but she had a very different reaction to them. While they hurt her badly she chose to struggle on with the relationship. We all do something in the way of a cost analysis when we make our choices; my wife-in-law felt that his love for her, a profound love, was worth the infidelities. I hadn't and so I had dumped him. Whenever she talked to me about her relationship with my ex I always made a point of avoiding imposing my viewpoint on her. I simply listened to her and I asked her questions. I wanted her to talk is all.

My ex died a little over 3 years ago from cancer and his wife hung in there until the very end. She was aware of some of his infidelities before he died and after he had died she came across all sorts of distressing material.

She was shattered by his death and she was shattered by these further signs of his infidelity. Over the past few years she has talked to me at great length about all of these traumas; this is because we are close friends but also because we have shared a husband and a set of in-laws. Nevertheless, this is a woman who had made her choice: she loved her mate and she has been suffering from his absence.

I made a different choice. I chose to move on when I was confronted with these difficulties and my life has been interesting in a fashion which would not have been possible had I opted to stick with this marriage. I should mention that I was very young and very idealistic when I discovered that my husband was cheating on me. At the time I felt that I would never be able to survive the shock, the pain, and the humiliation.

And it may be much easier to function in the aftermath of a crashed marriage when one does not have to worry about children. I indulged in some irresponsible behaviour and then arranged for an unpaid leave of absence from work in order to spend 7 months lumbering around Europe.

It was thanks to those 7 months and the friendships which I made during that time that I later ended up in my 2nd disasterous domestic relationship, this time with a French guy. This time around I rented out my house, quit my job, and left home in order to live with him. On the short (2-year) term this move turned out to be absolutely disasterous. But life is life and most experiences, even those which are painful, turn out to be useful and entertaining and much, much better than nothing at all. :mad: Eh? :mad: It is always better to have a story to tell, I figure............

[Kat817 19]

I too was very young and idealistic, when faced with my ex husbands cheating. Add to that, both sets of grandparents were still married to their original spouses! There was zero history of divorce in my family. I had also received serious flack from my family for wanting to marry so young, and for giving up scholarship money for school. So to admit I screwed up, was extremely difficult! I tried sticking it out because of those reasons---but cannot honestly say I tried sticking it out for the right reason. I never tried because I loved him too much to call it quits....he effectively shut down that emotion. It made the actual divorce easier, but the interim time was horrid. In hind sight, much of it was concern over how it would look to others, what my family would say or do...seems pretty petty now, but it sure didn't feel it then.

I can honestly say I would still be glad even if I had never found my DH now, to not have been like your wife-in-law. I found amazing stength between dealing with him, and the evil man who followed him!

Now him....he made my cheating husband seem like a dream! Ironically I chose him due to the 1st experience. He was obssessed now I see....with me. He wanted to be with me 24/7, he didn't look at other women....I loved it. Then came the fateful night that he was convinced I had looked at another man, and he beat the crap out of me. It only got worse. Hospitalized a few times. He managed to get me to stay by threatening, not me, but my family. He'd tell me he was going to pay a visit to my old grandpa...or my crippled brother. And he meant it...I have full faith he would have done it.

Now I told you the first husband was worthless---here is proof. I called him and ask him to take our daughter, I wanted her to be safe, and told him everything---he refused, he laughed at me for screwing up again!

Eventually he wanted to move to TX to be near his family.... unknown to me he was a wanted man there....he went on a rampage one night, I ended up in critical condition, he stabbed me 8 times. He is still in prison for my attempted murder as well as the other issues he had been wanted for...armed robbery and shooting with the intent to kill.

If he ever gets out....I will face one of my worst fears.

Then several years went by---keeping in mind I was still a kid pretty much then....and met up with current husband. We had been school mates since 4th grade! We talked until 4 in the morning on the phone! We dated. He moved. We dated long distance for 2 years. Finally we joined families, and I have never for a single day regretted it.

This was the first time my family supported my decision---I HAVE learned to listen to them finally!!!!

Boy did we HAVE to learn all this the hard way????

Kat

[TerriDoodle 6]

My God, Kat! How in the world have you turned out to be such a warm and loving individual? Un-freaking-believable. I am at a loss for words.

[Kat817 19]

Ya know Terry, for the short time I was married to my 2nd husband, I simply prayed for, wished for, a normal, boring life. I began trying to gain weight back at that time, and girl I founs something I was good at!!! We passed an overweight woman in the store one day, and he told me if I ever looked like that he'd leave my ass---I bought weight gain products, I started packing it on! Pretty easy thing for me to do!

Years later, I don't in any way consider my DH or our family, or life in general, boring in a negative way. But I love that there is not constant drama. We are kind to one another. We spent this last week working very hard...as I said on the other thread, but it felt good! Much of what we did was for our parents, and today he worked with my handicapped brother---he is anything but boring in my heart---but to others our lives may be just that...boring---and I love it!! I am not sure I would consider myself warm and loving all the time, but when you experience the worst, you truly do appreciate the best...at least I think I do. I appreciate the love of a good man. I appreciate the caring, supportive, friends I have in real life and on here. I have healthy children and grandchildren, and am alive to be with them. I won. It may seem childish, but I won!

Kat

[TracyinKS 7]

Kat: you are simply amazing!

[green 6]

My current mate would have been far too boring for me to look at when I was young and immature. But we have been together for over 22 years now and I consider myself to be a very lucky woman. He is loving, kind, nurturing, and generous. He has nursed me through a major depression, a few operations, and the deaths of my mum, aunt, dad, and my kid brother. He helps with the housework and he knows how to fix things. And he doesn't keep me on a tight leash. (The French guy was very possessive, something I had never encountered before.) He also loves to travel to exotic parts of the globe which works out well for me because this is something I love, too. An added bonus is that he is good looking.

He ain't perfect. He is the most disorganised man I have ever met and creates messes wherever he stores his things. He also loses stuff, important stuff like keys, cameras.... He only reads the newspaper headlines and then figures that he is an expert!?!

Kat, I have been in some bad relationships but your second husband sounds absolutely terrifying. You are lucky to be alive and well, and luckier still to now be in such a fine relationship. That second husband could have spooked you off men forever! You sound like a very strong, intelligent, and brave person to me.